jay bee:

Do you actually listen to your wife when she is angry?

Didn't you read the story? He leaves home when she gets mad.

i just dont think she gives me the chance to talk becos she starts shouting. when i got home from work 2 days ago she just started shouting even before i removed my tie and i had to leave because she was not going to stop.
i will listen if she talks to me. i'm not a lunatic

I have to get ready to go to the police station now

but honestly, it really baffles me when some guys go on ahead and marry gals they dont really know and vice versa, and  then later on they start crying fowl! and complaining. well the deed has already been done. like almost everyone has been advising, u really need to put your acts together and have some serious talks with her. Try playing the nice guy and see if that will touch her to be nicer, you know, even the bible tells us that soft words can turn a heart of stone around. on the one other hand if u try being extremely nice and very romantic like buying gifts, taking her out, suprising her with extreme niceness and patience when she shouts and expects u to also get angry, and generally playing the mugu to seeif that would touch her to be a nicer person.

besides i really wanted to touch some sensitive points u might be ignoring.
what were her expectations before she married you, did she marry you because she loves you or becos you are her childs dad or simply because u live abroad and she sef wan travel answer person wen ldey live for abroad, if that na the case, then u are really in trouble because we women are really funny when we are tripping for stuff (like above) and then it turns around what was glittering wasnt gold at all but GL .this is very important as u are crying about having some financial stress while on the other hand the chic was expecting to come to a land of plenty where money litters the streets, (u know naija mentality esp from a lady that is so unexposed and enlightened cos education is not the only criteria).

search deeply inside, if that is the case, then stop chasing shadows and pretending u dont know the source of your problem, il just give u a quick fix that might work

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[/list]use the nice ness trick i mentioned earlier
if it doesnt work then know that this is a case of "no love" cos if she loves u then there is still hope left
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[/list]prepare for war!!!
this is called the "holy marriage war" and abruptly also change over night. if she does not also have her papers, stop any moves to provide it for her and send her back to naija on a visit. come back alone or dont even go back with her and let her cool off for a while. i bet you that it will now be your turn to do shakara and with all the shame she will feel., if she eva comes back she will be a changed person and besides it will give you both a chance to know what u really want.

this is your life and marriage is for enjoyment not management. so put it right once and for all.
you really sound like you are a nice guy and you want the best for your self and your family.

i hope it works and you guys are back together again and very happy especially for the sake of your son.

hope God sees you thru this odreal with the authourities and your family. PRAY!!

dude where u at?
hope the police didnt detain you

geez, I'm so hoping the whole thing is just a bad dream from the OP 

I really wouldnt mind if it were.

when I read his story, my heart almost skipped a beat. I just thought, OMG not another one.

Once when I tried to tell her family about this they sounded very hostile to me so I decided not to discuss anything with them again.

I think the way she behaves is due to the way she was brought up, since you say her people are hostile. I wonder whether she shouts at her parents or brothers or sisters too?

Where is he?

Are you guys married legally or are you just intending to marry her?

I feel so much pain on your behalf cos the bible is against a quarrelsome wife. The bible only supports divorce if one spouse is cheating - think of these facts well and may you find peace soon.

I was detained by the police but now released on bail

wifepalava:

I was detained by the police but now released on bail

so i guessed you've been bailed pending a court appearance now?

@ Wifepalaver

Have you heard of an ass whooping??

When next she starts nagging you bout shit, just loosen your belt, lay her out and flog the devil out of her. Next time she starts nagging and you reach for your belt, she'll recognize whos boss and shut the Bleep up!!
If you are not a wife beater like myself, then the only other option is to go buy a dog _{(a very big a verocious dog preferably a rotweiller, doberman, mastif or pitbull)}. Anytime you feed the dog, make sure a picture of your wife is on plate of food. When next she pisses you off, set the dog loose on her ass. That will teach her to shut the heck up when you are around.
Or if you prefer the non-violent option, then I suggest you get yourself am MP3 player with an insanely loud earphone. Whnever she starts bitching, just put on the earphones and play your favorite tune.

Or just kick her out of the house and dont look back.

Points to note - Never marry a woman you do not know.
- the devils here (obnoxious as they are) are far better than the angels you all rush off to marry in Nigeria.
- It is better to dwell on a roof than share a large room with a quarrelsome wife.

Wifepalava, no one here can help you . . . your best bet is to get a divorce.

@ wifepalaver

It's very obviuos that you can't have a future with this lady. Please let her go. She is obviuosly NOT enjoying her marriage to you too.

Loose yourselves from this bondage

He has to straighten out the girlfriend's charges first.The court wont care whether its the wife who made him go there or not. All the judge will focus on is the fact that there was some kind of contact between him and the ex girlfriend, which the woman is calling assault. This is no longer about the wife alone.

@ wifepalava:
What your wife can do now is strongly vouch for your character, in writing. If you can also get some friends or family members to do the same, it may help although maybe not in a big way. If not, then just the wife.  Present the letter/s to the judge or whoever is handling the case outside the police station. Make sure you emphasize the fact that you've always been a law abiding citizen and never had any issues before now(?). Any documented evidence on the ex girlfriend's drug use is also important. _{provided you're not also a user of course.}

I'm not too familiar with the British system, but I think you have to explain to your wife the effect her shouting is having on you. Under some circumstances, she could also get arrested as well if the fighting turns physical. Let her know what's at stake here- your job, and everything you've both worked for. You did the right thing by leaving the house if the argument was escalating uncontrollably, but then you made a wrong turn to your ex's house.

And try to understand what triggers the fighting. Most women will definitely mind if their husband is cheating on them- a lot of times women's intuition will tell them something is wrong somewhere, even though they may not be able to pinpoint or prove exactly what. And then react in a way the husband may see as unnecessary. Maybe she feels you don't care about her.


Even if or when you divorce her, you can still get in trouble with another wife or another woman. Neighbors can also call the police if they hear fighting.

Personally, I think you should both sign up for anger management classes. I don't know if relationship counseling actually works or not, or I'd have suggested that too. Then as someone said, your wife needs to get an education. Even if there's no money, surely she can get a loan to put her through school? And plz stop calling her a devil's agent. Or else she can turn into one, since you're calling her that.

The situation is bad, but its not the end of the world. If things look too bleak, utilize a lawyer.

So you were just playing and touching and suddenly she started shouting for you to get out? There's something very amusing about hearing one party's version of events. i've had guy friends come to my house after having fallen out with the wife or girlfriend. they arrive upset and in need of 'loving' and reassurance. why they think im the one to provide that, i have no idea. They usually are really gropy and touchy and are oblivious to the fact that you are unresponsive. Could that have been the case?
I'm sorry you married someone you don't know. Real sorry because that one na real bad market.

and oh, there's this old saying in my village. "where ther's a nag, there's a fool. "

If you can't get along, get a divorce.

NO!! But you are

Number one thing you need to do is never leave the house when "she starts shouting" cause you only come back when she must have calmed down but still the underlying problem hasn't been solved. It will always spring up. You both need to get to the root of the matter. There's no need to take flight in such situations. You can't tell me that she shouts for no good reason. Otherwise, you take her to see a psychiatrist 'cause it's not normal.

You need to face the situation. She's your wife, educated or not. You knew her status before you married her. May be she's mad at the fact that you don't have as much money as she expected or may be there are things you do that she doesn't like??
Being a calm person is not enough. Quiet people could be annoying sometimes but that's by the way though.

You need to let go of pride. Take her out for dinner or wherever and TALK! Both of you need to open up to each other. Tell what you hate in the other and learn to adjust to the likes and dislikes of you two. It's not easy to live with someone you don't really know. Problems must arise but there has to be a solution and running away from home or getting strangers to talk to her isn't one of them.
quote
@poster
this is the most sensible and practical advice i have seen on here,if after this you r still having some sort of reservations then i think you have made up your mind already,from your answers after each advice,i think you have that nigerian older man thing of "im older and im right"
i think like it happens often in your kind of situation,the woma might have had higher expectations and came to uk to find something else
also,you said finances is a big problem for you,even if you marry a phd older who is the most beutiful girl in the world and any colour,she will nag and shout at you if theres a problem with the finances
the woman is not a pshyciatric patient so she cant just see you entering the house and start shouting like a robot,i personally think you are not saying the whole thing and you r trying to absolve yourself of any blame and painting her in bad light
whoever is to be blamed,a woman shouting is not reson enough for divorce or seperation,and you can certainly sort it out without outsiders as a family in addittion to the advice u v been given,sit her and your 13 yr old down and have a family meeting,let her listen to what your child has to say about the whole thing and how its affecting him/her,ask her what she wants talk about it and then come to an agreement
its not an habit she will drop in a day,its something you will help her with day by day,had an ex gf who was like that and each time she starts shouting i start laughing,the more she shouts the harder i laugh then she gets so pissed off and starts crying

all these people saying someone shouldnt leave the house when there's a fight.

That works in Nigeria. Not so sure about overseas, where anyone can call the police on you. If your case goes to court, you'll get a restraining order anyway, telling you not to go near your wife and kids in the meantime.Violate this order and you risk jail.

Some men ignore the orders but its at their own risk. I learnt the police and courts are getting tougher on domestic violence reports these days. Maybe not in Britain  though.

If an argument is escalating with neither party willing to back down or placate the other, then better leave the house. I don talk my own.  Though of course its better to try and defuse the argument and restore peace, if possible at that time.

Divorce isnt the only alternative, but sometimes I'm forced to agree with spoilt: if you can't get along, then you might have to get a divorce.

But from what the OP has posted here,he was the one who was cheating, not his wife. All she was doing was shouting. Since when do you divorce someone on those grounds? Educate me plz.

The girlfriend also ended up shouting and accusing him of assualt, on top of her own. Yet few people are questioning the girl's actions.

@Poster,

From what you have said so far,you are the cause of your problems.Your wife problem is not from her lack of education or your financial situation but because you a cheat.You have no respect for your wife and i am sure u treated her like a second class.If there is a problem in your home you can go and sleep in a hotel instead of going to your EX house.From all indication is not just a one off time,you have been seeing your EX behind your wife that is why your wife is always in your throat.
Please come back home,apologies to your wife and make her happy.
Wish you the best

brownbonno:

@Poster,

From what you have said so far,you are the cause of your problems.Your wife problem is not from her lack of education or your financial situation but because you a cheat.You have no respect for your wife and i am sure u treated her like a second class.If there is a problem in your home you can go and sleep in a hotel instead of going to your EX house.From all indication is not just a one off time,you have been seeing your EX behind your wife that is why your wife is always in your throat.
Please come back home,apologies to your wife and make her happy.
Wish you the best

WELL SAID!!

tpia:

all these people saying someone shouldnt leave the house when there's a fight.

That works in Nigeria. Not so sure about overseas, where anyone can call the police on you. If your case goes to court, you'll get a restraining order anyway, telling you not to go near your wife and kids in the meantime.Violate this order and you risk jail.

If an argument is escalating with neither party willing to back down or placate the other, then better leave the house. I don talk my own. Though of course its better to try and defuse the argument and restore peace, if possible at that time.

Mister, it doesn't work only in Nigeria. It works for many people and not peculiar to certain people. Never make that mistake.

The poster never mentioned both of them "shout" at the same time. He made it clear to us that he's a calm person while his wife is the one always shouting and because "he can't stand her when she shouts" his only option is to leave home either to a girlfriend or else where. He doesn't stay around to listen to what she has to yell about and expects that when he returns home the matter must have resolved magically.

Now tell me, on what grounds will the woman call the cops 'cause from what we know there's no abuse? And again, tell me how you "restore peace" when you're outside?

tpia:

But from what the OP has posted here,he was the one who was cheating, not his wife. All she was doing was shouting. Since when do you divorce someone on those grounds? Educate me plz.

What d'u know about law and divorce? He can get a divorce if he wants.

You obviously did not know this woman before you married her. Looks like an arranged marriage to me. They almost always never work. Good luck!

EDIT: Ok, I just read more of your posts. It's a good thing that you spke to an attorney ASAP. Sorry about your plight. As long as your ex does ot have any evidence against you, there is no case for her.

you have to understand that we all have weaknesses. that, probably is hers so u just have to be patient with her also bearing in mind that she is not educated. she will always have myopic thinking in certain issues. all u have to do is to know how best to handle her when ever she starts ranting. divorce is not the best issue my dear, remember it is for better for worse. besides there are several ways/strategies to make one change.
try being very sweet and loving to her whenever she starts, i believe that u do raise ur voice too when she raises hers. two barking dogs can never hear each other. so find a means to calm her down and explain well to her.

i hope this will be a warning to those out there that dabble into affairs with uneducated spouses cos they will never see things the western way.

Jaybee seems to be full of stories. Why would a man go to Nigeria and bring back a woman that is not educated. Maybe he thought he could control her but she pushed back like he did not expect. Why would a woman who is not mentaly unstable just call the cops because you quietly walked into her house and absolutely nothing happened? And why are you guys even encouraging him to blame his wife because of the choices he made. Now you want to call her the agent of the devil when you carried your penis to another woman's house to do the devil's work.

to be frank,some wives can push their husbands into doing wat they dont want to do,wt their nagging and childish behaviour,lets be reasonable and honest here we r all human beings,im not in support of a man cheating on his wife,but sometimes they r some things one can't stand,when a wife does nt give her husband peace ,shes sending him into another womans arms,its as simple as that

I can't help much on the shouting part,maybe one day you need to shout back.You have to enter her territory to deal with her(shouting territory).Just might work.
She's uneducated's no excuse to behave like dat, and are you telling us the whole story or just the side that favours you. If not to relate to her you have to reason like an "uneducated person"
All in all sorry man but i fear if nothing changes its for better for worse till death helps you part either yours or hers.

Outstrip:

Jaybee seems to be full of stories. Why would a man go to Nigeria and bring back a woman that is not educated. Maybe he thought he could control her but she pushed back like he did not expect. Why would a woman who is not mentaly unstable just call the cops because you quietly walked into her house and absolutely nothing happened? And why are you guys even encouraging him to blame his wife because of the choices he made. Now you want to call her the agent of the devil when you carried your privates to another woman's house to do the devil's work.

Am i being mistaken for wifepalava?

Sorry Jaybee. I meant wifepalava

Now that this is all out in the open my wife knows about it and she is standing by me. We have prayed that this bad period should blow over and I already promised God I will never cheat again no matter what my wife does.
She also feels bad because she realises that I would not have lefy home if she did not start the shouting again. We are hoping that we can start our lives anew.
Thanx to those who had harsh words for me because I deserve it. For those who think I should not have gone to marry an uneducated woman I can only say if you meet my son you will not be able to say such a thing again. He is the best boy in the world and I don't think it would have been good to make him a product of a broken home. On the whole I have regrets for going to a woman who is now trying to get me into trouble but I have no regrets for deciding to marry my wife.
I am awaiting a possible court appearance but I dont believe that I can be found guilty of something that I did not do. God is in perfect control.

I'm happy for you two. Keep it up and good luck with the court case.

wifepalava @ Try "PRAYER" these time cos almost every thing is at stake now,even ur marriage MEN!!!!!!!, and see if there is anyway u can cos ur EX to withdraw her legal suit against u ,l wish u the best.Genny wyne