///

@Oyinda and CC, why did I fell in love with him and "promoted" fiance and husband? Because I saw some great traits in his character: he is endurant, patient, he thinks twice before opening his mouth, he always have feelings for people around him (even when he had only 10 bucks in his wallet he could buy a meal for someone on the street), and he has strong faith in God. When we dated, we never had the kind of clashes we had on our first years of marriage. He was very quiet but very caring too, he wasn't very imaginative, but was constant in his behaviors. As we moved in together, we had our first serious fights, and again when I got pregnant. Guess I was weaker at that time and needed him more, and he probably felt he was failing at taking care of me and our unborn child.  But at that time, we also talked much more than now, and I know he was trying to understand me, and was making efforts. He was not perfect, but he was trying, and [i]that [/i]was what mattered to me.

I did the same and tried to please him, as I already said. It worked for some time. I really believed we were on the right road and had already overcome the worst. My problem now is that he has stopped all of his efforts/caring. He is doing less and less, I thought marriage would be about never giving up. Myabe he's tired about my constant request, but I never hide it from him. He knew well from the begining what I considered important in a marriage and what would make me happy.

Anyway,  it seems the only answer I get is to check myself and just praise my husband for marrying me. As if because we signed papers one day means we shouldn't make any effort to grow close and adapt to each other throughout life. As someone said, he might be very happy in this marriage.

Oh, and I do love myself, I am doing well for myself and I am independent enough to not be afraid of living alone. my husband knows it, he knows the only thing keeping me with him is love. Nothing else.

chaircover:

Invest in this man; he sounds like he is hurting. Raise him up emotionally be his wife, mother, sister, friend and confidant. Build his lost ego up. I know it is very difficult as you have your own needs too screaming for attention but I pray that your investment pays off and once he is strong again, he is able to raise you up.

We must have posted at the same time. I know he is not doing fine. I like to think that he is doing better now, but I know for sure that he's not doing great and that he doesn't feel like he has achieved what he wanted to. Like life didn't keep promises. I spent the last years lifting him up. And I went through very hard times too. But this man is never happy either! It's like he doesn't see how in love I am with him, how much efforts I put in this family, to make him happy. Like he doesn't see the blessing he has at home (not only me but our child), He does everything he can to stay out of the house, and when he's here he sleeps/watches tv, What kind of life is that? I don't mind helping him as a partner, but is he not supposed to work his own part too? I can't make him love himself/have confidence in himself if he doesn't want to. Is he ever going to open his eyes? It seems all he is waiting for is a overfilled bank account and the opportunity to show off to his friends and family. All of those who were not here when he most needed them. But me, who standed beside him in times of needs, I am not reason enough to rejoice, my look on himself, my love for him doesn't mean a thing to him, or at least it still means less than what outsiders think of him.

This is my reward for marriage, So please, CC, if you know anyway I can lift him up and be happy, even if he has to dump me afterwards, I don't care, but pls, I'm done suffering now, our life is not great but we have much more than many people in the world, we don't lack, we are healthy, what else can I do?!

oh wow. you must really be in love. love makes you do crazy things. what advice can one give you really? 
I hope u heal and I pray your husband eventually comes to his senses. this will be a miracle!.

chaircover:

whatever it is that gives you a headache during courtship will give you a migraine in the marriage.

this is a classic phrase.

^^^

Dont you sleep?

oyinda, with all respect, are you married? You have an interesting opinion but that seems very theoretical, Did you go through a relationship that has challenges and overcome them? I believe that's what marriage is about. I am not against divorce but I take marriage seriously, and I am realistic enough to not expect a perfect man, the same way I didn't expect a perfect date before getting married, I checked what was important to me, and it worked out at first. Of course, if one of us stops making efforts and working at the relationship, it will fail, but isn't it the case in every marriage, even the "perfect" ones?

Abydee,

As I said earlier, this man is wired differently from you. You two should probably not have married in the 1st place. You have only 2 choices: dumb him (most convenient) or accept him as he is and make the best out of him.

I understand you husband type, The truth is that the more you complain, the more frustrated he becomes and the more you grow apart.  It is a tough call to change him (might require changing yourself 1st) but if you are wise and patient you will squeeze out honey from his rock. here are few tips:

1. Stop complaining, dont demand or expect more for now (that way you'll never be disappointed)

2. Appreciate the 'little' he is offering you genuinely

3. Spice up his life with love - keep telling/showing him through your words, actions, text msgs, gifts etc how much you love and appreciate him even when he doesn't give back

4. keep encouraging him and tell him you believe in him and his dreams

5. Get out of the box and spice up your sex life. I always believe that a smart woman should know how to turn his man on, no mater how frigid he is.

If you are able to do these, you will see him gradually giving in more and possibly change him for life. But dont expect it so soon.

Sorry if I am bringing on the sour grapes, but why is no one thinking around the paper/ visa angle?

It could b he married u for visa. Forget the fact that he called u a fool when u brought it up most men marrying for visa would never accept it or let the girl in question know about it.

How long are u married now for ?

If he still depends on you for his stay in the country mayb u shd mk the attempt to threaten him with divorce and see his reaction.

U know wat, try going out wit your girls and stay a little longer than usual if he doesn't get jealous ( most Nigeria men are JEALOUS) or keenly wants to know  wat transpired over the night then forget It he doesn't give a flying fucck abt u. U cud as well end the relationship. 

Those supporting his man, do u think he intends to live the rest of his life this way? I doubt it. I think he is hanging in there a little longer waiting on wat he is waiting for. Forget the kid he/she can't and won't prevent him from leaving the abydee girl wen d time comes.

Sorry but it is wat it is!

@AbyDee

I've taken my time to read the previous posts as much as I can. I know a couple that are almost in a similar situation to you. They didn’t do much dating (I’m not sure if u did), then she fell pregnant. He didn’t want her to keep the baby b/c they hardly knew each other (wanted to have fun with her, travel etc) but she wanted to keep it b/c she felt she had a medical condition. He called her bluff and left her alone for a few months

He relented after she went past the legal limit for an abortion and realized she was actually gonna keep the child. He asked her to move in with him b/c the child and also to see if they could learn to get close to & love each other. She being pregnant & vulnerable agreed and they gave it a go. However, she had experienced a lot of deep hurt when he abandoned her for a few months (she never realized how deep then) and the guy never really got over the fact that refused to abort the baby so that they could have the chance of properly dating and knowing themselves. Personally, I believe that she felt that he was trying to trick her into aborting. Anyway, she was somehow grateful for them being together (avoiding the disgrace of single mum), so she suppressed her feelings and tried to play the perfect partner, giving him sex whenever he wanted (the initial attraction for both of them was deeply sexual), cooking, cleaning etc., while he was the sole bread winner. He, on the other hand, probably felt he was making a great sacrifice. He cleared out all his girlfriends (breaking hearts in the process), and took care of the practical aspects of the relationship. Her emotional needs weren't properly met and as time went on it emerged that she had never really gotten over the hurt she experienced when she was abandoned.

However, unlike your own case AbyDee , their relationship remained highly sexual. He can never get enough of her in bed and according to her, when he made love to her for the first time, she swore that was gonna be her last bus stop. She ditched the guy she was dating; who was lavishing money on her; who went down on bended knees to propose to her; she got rid of him as soon as she had one taste of this guy.

They have since formalized their relationship (went to Nigeria for traditional etc), and he stood by her (child care etc) while she went on to get a degree and is now earning more than him. She is much more self assured, older and confident and has since had another child.

However, she keeps wondering if she made a mistake by marrying him. Wishes she wasn't pregnant when they decided to move in together so that she would have been able to make a better decision. She complains that he doesn't take care of her emotional needs. He doesn’t know her bra size, shoe size etc. She complains that he is stagnant (has the same job when they met). Wishes she didn't have to work. They have blazing arguments where he reminds about how he begged her to abort but she refused etc. This brings her to tears and she regrets everything.

However, after all these years, their sex life is still great. That's what makes everything make sense to them. That's what resets the relationship. That's their thing. It's actually got better with time.


My question to you know is, what is your thing? What is that thing that you guys have that hasn't changed all these years?

Also, more importantly, are both of you harbouring some deep hurt or resentment from the past? Probably relating to the early part of your relationship?

Here's wishing you the best.

Hey, it is not that your husband has changed but that he cannot be changed.

It is not that he does not follow you out for shopping, it is that he is always
concerned about his needs

It is not that he does not come, he does but faces only his computer.

It is not that he abandoned his financial responsibilities, it is that he's not doing enough

It is not that he cheats on you, it is that your you see him in your mind's eye cheating.

Sister, it is only you that can determine your happiness. Not your husband not even your

children.

No one can make you feel inferior unless you submit the reign of your life to him.

Do the following and you will have your man back;

1 Change yourself before you try to change the world

2 Determine to be happy with yourself and your life.

3. Identify his areas of interest and play along. If he plays soccer game
on his computer buy him the pads. If you are hooked on africa magic

allow him an opportunity to watch his spot channels

4 Be clean, and dress smartly. Smile more often and crack jokes with you
being the butt of the joke

5 Flirt with him and see him dump his computer for you. Yes be skimpy and revealling
while you are together

6 Stop playing his mother, ordering him around and pointing at his weaknesses all the time
most men will resent this with vehemence.You can't change a thing doing so.

7 Show interest in his work and let him see that you care.

8 Communication is good. Ask leading questions and ask him to advise you
on what to do on certain things.Be a baby once again with question.

9 Commit him to God.
List out those qualities you want in him in order of importance and sit back

10 Men would rather choose to be respected than to be loved.
massage his ego a little bit and see the child in him roaring for attention.

@poster, I think your case is more complicated than it may seem. A Nigerian man wants to have full control of his family even financially.

If you make more money than him or he thinks he is not in control then it'll be a bit difficult to communicate. He might be thinking some of

your questions and requests are just to exploit his deficiencies thereby ignoring or avoiding them.


I hate to be negative but at a point, you'll get tired of trying and seek for happiness from something else as you guys seem not to have any thing (as one reply said)

I think you should also print out your comments on this thread and let him read it. His reaction will let you know if your marriage is going to fail. _{Anyway, I don't think he is the right man for your proposed changes as unchangeable might mean he is irrational}

OAM4J:

Abydee,

As I said earlier, this man is wired differently from you. You two should probably not have married in the 1st place. You have only 2 choices: dumb him (most convenient) or accept him as he is and make the best out of him.

I understand you husband type, The truth is that the more you complain, the more frustrated he becomes and the more you grow apart. It is a tough call to change him (might require changing yourself 1st) but if you are wise and patient you will squeeze out honey from his rock. here are few tips:

1. Stop complaining, dont demand or expect more for now (that way you'll never be disappointed)

2. Appreciate the 'little' he is offering you genuinely

3. Spice up his life with love - keep telling/showing him through your words, actions, text msgs, gifts etc how much you love and appreciate him even when he doesn't give back

4. keep encouraging him and tell him you believe in him and his dreams

5. Get out of the box and spice up your sex life. I always believe that a smart woman should know how to turn his man on, no mater how frigid he is.

If you are able to do these, you will see him gradually giving in more and possibly change him for life. But dont expect it so soon.

Wise words>
complain more and be prepared to drift even more apart.
Embrace his shortfalls and slowly help mould him to whatever you want him to be.
Change is hard and most times requires us changing to accommodate the other person.
Good luck

@ poster

If you are seriously looking for sincere advice, I think you have one already.
Just go back to post #33 @reference .

as for marriage, why it does not not work sometimes is because we often look for way out even after we have said
it is for better and for worse, till death do us part.

Abydee

Please do not ever and i mean ever consider separation or divorce!!!!!! From all you have said, you have a point but you are expecting too much from your husband.

What you are complaining about if about 70 percent of married women experience it there wouldnt be marital problems as much as is happening now.

Just get yourself occupied as someone advised and make yourself happy: go shopping, register for exercises, take your child to parties more often and have girls time out with your female friends (Dont discuss your affairs with them it will only make things worse)

i just hope u arent tryn to compare urself to ur other friends. Womand can be dangerous!!!!! they wont tell u the rubbish they condone form their husbands but always paint their marriage to the world as 'perfect.' Please Beware.

why is everyone saying dey see a woman who wants to cheat,its not like she doesnt appreciate her husband she does,she just want him to be more romantic thats all,most nigerian men are like that,my advice for you is to sit with your marriage,and for you to admit that part of  him as him and move on,then put it in prayers,show more luv to him and the kids,that way u will notice that things wont get at you,and finally dont compare yourself with your friends husband or neighbour.take kia of urself and be good.[/color][color=#990000]

just listen to your heart, i guess with what u had wrote that your husband loves you and you know that for sure.Pray about the change you want from him, most things that you mention can be solve between you and him through continual communication,pls dont allow those that know  little about marriage destroy your your marriage.why not try talking to your pastor about it if you are a christian  or any mature person that you think that he can listen to.pls work out your marriage.I know God will see you through.

lagbaja20:

^^^

Dont you sleep?

I sleep when I want. what's ur problem?
why are u sef awake

and what's ur old username? sefago? strangerf? all these little kids of nowadays sef.

oyinda.:

I sleep when I want. what's your problem?
why are u sef awake

and what's your old username? sefago? strangerf? all these little kids of nowadays sef.

Looking at the quality and content of your posts, yes, that is what I have been doing the past 6 hrs, I can authoritatively and confidently say that I am old enough to take you as my third wife, and you'd be the youngest.

No, I dont sleep; I spend the better part of my day[b]s[/b] waiting for you to post. Your posts, if you care to know, warm my hearts.

Again, I am not SEFAGO, THANKS GOODNESS. The SEFAGO guy is too not smart for my liking. I am the real deal ok!
My problem; I am just worried about you. I dont want you to stress yourself 'bout NL issues more than you need to.
My dear, you need to take care of yourself, so you can last in my house ok?

I am beginning to think that this is just a case of a good but coarse husband that has some edges that needs smoothening which is becoming hard for the poster to smoothen.
  Some Nigerian men are that coarse and it's left for a woman to lovingly smoothen such out. I give it up to Naija men that they are homely, responsible, make good husbands, are studs in bed as being testified by some non-Nigerian ladies but some are guilty of taking their women for granted and being overbearing on a woman all in the name of wanting to make their position as the head of the house felt. A non-Nigerian woman friend has once also complained to me about her man lacking such finesse as to order that his food be brought to him instead of nicely asking and not showing appreciation for the efforts she makes to make him happy like doing his laundry, chores etc. Such attitudes make women feel unappreciated, cheap and worthless. Some Nigerian women acommodate that and find no problem with such abrasiveness as the culture here has taught women that respect includes bearing with such things in marriage but foreigners and Nigerians that grew up abroad do not find that funny at all.

  There is also this craze in Nigerians abroad to make piles of money with which to build houses, ride good cars to show off and be appreciated. Some add much pressure on themselves in the bid to acquire that money and if that money is not forthcoming, he becomes frustrated. It's natural for one to want or worry over having money to provide one's basic needs and even luxuries but we shouldn't overdo things and put pressure on ourselves to be very rich at the expense of the joy of the family life.
  Poster you don't have to get tired of smoothening him out and say that you are tired of your marriage, keep up the good work he will come around. Remember to always do that lovingly lest you meet roadblocks and stubborness from him if you don't pass your message across good enough which has been the case already. Persevere dear, it's going to be alright.

@Poster

We Nigerians (9ja pipos ) have a saying we use in situations like this : FREE THE GUY ABEG! ! !

He is a regular guy just like my humble self and if unfortunately i get married tomorrow, i'll be just like him in some ways. The problem with you women is that nothing is ever good enough for you guys. If the guy acts himself by not being too soft and keeping a few things to himself. . .you say he's not "sensitive" to your feelings and all that. If the guy gives in to all your whims and conforms to every attempt to "mold" him to your tastes, you will come here and start crying about how he has "changed" and you wonder what happened to the man you married. You marry the man hoping to change him into something else to meet your "tastes". By the time you have messed up with everything that makes him whole, you all become irritated and pissed off with the end product. Mr Alpha male gets transformed into a complete wuss in less than 10 years and next thing, wifey is looking out for "real men" on the outside!

You women are pathetic and really sick in the head (sorry if i sound harsh but una dey tire me). No wonder so many young married men between the ages of 35-45 die early from heart diseases and other terminal ailment. There are two things that make me (and other men) dread the issue of marriage :

(1)Manipulation a.k.a trying to change me from an iron man robot to a Barbie doll
(2)Cheating

Abydee,
one of the greatest danger for every marriage is when we start taking things for granted.
Sometimes a marriage works because one party is putting in so much effort and then the other takes it for granted. The one putting in the effort gets hurt and sad and the fun goes out of the marriage and then the one  who put in the effort starts thinking of an end.
What you need to do is love yourself. Learn to love yourself and appreciate yourself for what you are.
Do not circulate your life around your marriage. I know you might have a job and hobbies but emotionally you might just be circulating your life round him.
Learn to be fulfilled and stop worrying too much.
When he sees you happy and fulfilled he would try to penetrate your world.
Nothing is so unappealing like a nagging woman.
Do not bend down double to do things for him you cannot cope with. Better not to do something than to be annoyed or detest yourself or him for doing it,
I had this problem with waking up early mornings but I told my husband he should not wake me because I could not cope with the time. He felt bad at first but after some time it became routine. Now when he sees me in the morning it`s like I did him a favour and that happens maybe once in a few months.

He does not buy you presents? Buy yourself presents and derive joy from them, I bet you if he sees you buying yourself flowers often, he will one day start buying you flowers.
You cannot win love and affection by demanding or pleading for it.
Look at the animals and how the attract one another. You need to make yourself all pretty and radiate love and happiness, that will attract your husband to you.
Never mind some of the negative posts here.
I admire your honesty and the effort you are putting in.

///

@Abydee,

From all i have read i think your husband has a Melancholic Temperament.

They are  prone to depression especially during failures.

They are  independently minded person( they love to do things alone)

In a relationship they can be VERY COLD and are mostly unwilling to provide others with any significant amount of love .



The best way to deal with such a person Is to:

Avoid nagging or quarreling with him or else he will continue to snob and avoid you.

Never insult him with  his failures, because it will make more depressed .

Avoid bringing up any favor you have done for him in your discussions, because he will see himself an INCOMPETENT  HUSBAND.

Always encourage him, even with thing are bad.

Learn to read his MOOD, know what makes him happy or sad.

My advise right away is to commit your home to God.

Secondly I think you both need a Marriage councellor and 3rdly, create oppoertunity to sometimes alone like at least 3 hours on weekends and an hour everyday to just talk, touch, feel each other's heartbeat and Spend sometime to PRAY together (holding hands in agreement).

There's nothing too hard for God to do and besides your husband is not "unchangeable" I assure you. He will change when you both hit the right catalyst in the place of prayer and studying of God's word to unveil His plans and purpose for your marriage. I wish you all the best and look forward to a good testimony about your marriage in 2011

hey poster I can feel your pains, sometime i pity for ladies the way we men treat them.

from what you said, i want to believe that your man is a good man.
my own conclusion is that

he is not making enough money that can make him feel like a man of his dream.

he is being depressed by that which is not allowing him to show you how much he loves you.
that is why he is not being romantic any longer.


solution:

are you making more money that him, ? if yes how do you let him feel about it? does he have full access to your money?

secondly, i support the idea of giving him some gap. take a leave travel to somewhere, stay away for couple of weeks, he will miss you.

If you love your man and doesn't want to loose him, this is the time for you to show him how much love can do to people.

above. what ever yeah would that men should do to you, do it even so unto them, Matthew 7:12

Abe girl, u hv nt reply my earlier post and question; is he still dependent on u for his stay in the country ( u mentioned paper marriage in your earlier post) ?


Men has always known women. And has always know that women would always nag. Is there really any man that doesn't expect it at a point in his marriage. Wat am I talking about, more realistic, is there any man that doesn't expect some form of feminine pestering/nag from his WIFE in a week, if nt a day.

What Nigerian marries without a ring A wedding ring??  For Christ sake wat other obvious, glaring translation do u need to decode the writing on the wall?

@macjive01. . . Shut your stinking diseased trap the hell up. What the hell is wrong with these low IQ'D people self? Do you think that everyone who travels overseas is seeking citizenship via marriage? Do you think every Nigerian out there is hungry and desperate? My friend, peeps boku 4 9ja wey dey live up pass d so called "been to's" so respect ya self. The situation discussed here happens worldwide and has nothing 2 to do with nationality. I am tired of all these cheap people with deranged forms of reasoning.

@Poster;
I hope that u are able to eventually sort out ur problems and enjoy a happy mariage.
dont be discouraged. there's still hope.

@hakari, hold on, this is a black sister we re talking about ooh and not oyibo !!!

1. now what kind of man would maary a woman without a wedding ring?? does it not tell u anything?

2. now what kind of man would marry a woman and yes having problems with her and not for a moment try to defuse the poo. even if u dont agree completely with her but just do it to mk her happy for a moment.

3.what kind of man living in the western world would wake his wife up by 5 am to get him ready for work. dont forget this same woman works as well o.
4. imagine she brought hersef so low and cheap asking for a 5 bucks gift yet her man wouldnt bulge ? u wouldnt do it, would u?
5.
6.

@ Poster
I knew someone who went through an almost similar situation. They just couldn't look at each other, a fight would spring up, from the first day of their marriage. They had tried to hide things from everyone initally but slowly it became apparent. Everything she did was not upto the mark. She was blamed and humilited in public. He had immense work pressure and would just take out everything on her, instead of sharing it with her. He would go on a drinking spree and she would sit at home, all alone waiting for him. They never spoke amicably, not even household matters. No outings, no gifts, no romance. I r'ber her tellin that they never even wished each other on their birthdays or anniversaries. He would just drink and go off to sleep in his work clothes on the couch, while she waited for him in the bedroom. When he was at home, it was either in fron of the computer or TV, if not drinking. They nevr even went to Church. Crying, nagging, begging, threats, nothing worked. All these took a toll on her health and she failed to conceive too. He dreamed big, but was stuck up in a bad job and she was blamed for all his bad luck. She was just another household item, like the TV or the PC. When things worsened, she just walked out ( after about 2 yrs of marriage). They had tried marriage counselling, but nothing worked out and the counsellor suggested they live seperately for an year or so. They lived in different countries and it was almost like "out of sight , out of mind' situation. But god worked. Both started missing each other terribly after about 6 months and they got in touch with each other and eventually got back together. Once they got back, he got a better job moved to another state where they started afresh and miraculously she conceived almost immediately. They are married for 7 years now.Their child is one of the cutest kid I've ever seen and he is on of the best father's around. Infact it such a pleasure to watch him beaming with pride each time he is with his kid. They still have difference of opinions, a lot actually, but both have learnt to bear with each other.

@ Topic
I really dunno, maybe pray ?? Coz my friend says she did that and after about 3 years, her prayers worked. All the best !

^^
prayers, yes, the best solution for those who have enough patience