Cc, mutter, Busy-body and others now I'm the one with head swelling  

Don't give too much good comments or I will end up so proud of myself that my hubby will have to come and open a thread "My wife is so proud she doesn't have time to talk to me anymore, I've tried all the romantic tricks I know but she stays stucks on her laptop reading NL threads"  

We kept praying yesterday, and I hope to keep a prayer time together as often as possible. I hope that he will learn to enjoy what he has, little by little, and get over the grumpy mood. As for me, I will follow Ivy's advice and will get me a sexy dress to take him clubbing this week end

Nice one,
am so happy for you lady,
Be strong, But that doesn't mean misunderstanding wont come up again,
the worst thing that can happen to you is when you get tired of making peace in your marriage no matter who is right.

mmmmmm, U might want 2 consider taking in wot he loves n participating in it. Consider changing ur looks to kill N possibly enjoy more gatherings around ur friends 4 now . Men love d chasing game but d moment u start chasing them or seek too much attention U might make dem shrink in. compliment him often N write him a love letter telling him how much he means d world 2 u N appreciating all his ever done and praise N bless him more. Consider 4rom d on start wot attracted him to you. Wear him a sexy under wear wit a surprise candle light dinner. Jst a bit of excitement in d relationship might work. Give him wot he considers fun. Great personal hygiene is important too.Ask abt his day. if he's watching a boring programme join in n show interest too N respect his views. Quit excessive argument. Make him feel like a king. play his favourite music N always dress to kill. Smile more dan u complain. Think of happy moments. Dont be a super woman like u can do everything urself. Let him know how useless u r without him even though u r not. praise him always. If's he wrong understand him and not blame him. Apologise wen u wrong. Love him like urself. goodluck

Hello AbyDee ,
Don't be carried away. if your husband contributes 2 house running,does not beat u,stopped clubing,then u have 2 appreciate him. Maybe u are saying he is not romantic enough.But come 2 think of it, U are looking 4 a room /reason 2 start extra marital affairs.
See the basic fact guys will pretend they love u more than ur husband but they just want u 4 the fun of it . I know of many women that have taken this path and 2day they are single mothers without any man. Men just come 2 eat from the honey pot and run.U BETTER BUILD UR HOME. FIND WAYS 2 PULL UR HUSBAND CLOSE 2 U .
Please permit me 2 say that ur husband is a regular guy but u are on the groovy side and  ur body inch 4 man  every now and then.u have 2 work hard 2 make him come around and be as romantic as u want.  Don't consider extra marital affairs as an option else u end regretting.

@OP, i feel you because i am in the same situation as you but i think mine is worse, but am happy that u are looking for ways to make your marriage work just as i am. But, how do you begin to talk to a man who will give you a million logical reasons for whatever u are talking to him about, a man who cares less of his wife, has blatantly refused to go to church with my kids and i or join in prayers at home, the list is endless.For instance, i have been talking to him about paying for my driving lessons fee so at least i can relieve myself of the stress i go thru everyday going out with my kids but anytime, i bring up the issue, he will insult me and tell me that i should have gotten the license from nigeria before coming. I cannot even help myself in any way cos i am not working yet, my hubby doesnt even cae about what i wear, my feelings, etc.
Honestly, my own case is worse, i just feel like a failure but i still believe in God,

@ sandygal
Don't give. Keep praying & stop worring abt all those things. Take ur mind off dem & try to be happy. Concentrate on de positives & things dat will make u happy.
Work @ getting a job so dat u can do de things he's unable to do 4 u.
Finally, make use of some of de advice de poster got, they'll help u keep ur marriage.
I'm sure u know by now dat marriage aint a bed of roses.

Good luck

@ sandygal
Don't give. Keep praying & stop worring abt all those things. Take ur mind off dem & try to be happy. Concentrate on de positives & things dat will make u happy.
Work @ getting a job so dat u can do de things he's unable to do 4 u.
Finally, make use of some of de advice de poster got, they'll help u keep ur marriage.
I'm sure u know by now dat marriage aint a bed of roses.

Good luck

@ sandygal
Don't give. Keep praying & stop worring abt all those things. Take ur mind off dem & try to be happy. Concentrate on de positives & things dat will make u happy.
Work @ getting a job so dat u can do de things he's unable to do 4 u.
Finally, make use of some of de advice de poster got, they'll help u keep ur marriage.
I'm sure u know by now dat marriage aint a bed of roses.

Good luck

Roughlen:

@ sandygal
Don't give. Keep praying & stop worring abt all those things. Take your mind off dem & try to be happy. Concentrate on de positives & things dat will make u happy.
Work @ getting a job so dat u can do de things he's unable to do 4 u.
Finally, make use of some of de advice de poster got, they'll help u keep your marriage.
I'm sure u know by now dat marriage aint a bed of roses.

Good luck

Thank you, Roughlen. I appreciate.

I WAS CRYING COS I HAD NO SHOES ON UNTIL I SAW SOMEONE WITHOUT LEGS. Marriage is not a bed of roses. I will open up one day.

Wow. . . lots of wonderful people on NL.

Abydee, there's been lots of great advice here. Don't give up, keep loving on your husband. Go the extra mile, not just the usual cooking, cleaning, etc. If you can, read "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough". Good luck!

@sandygirl: Use the advice given to Abydee. All hope isn't lost for you either.

Hi Poster,
I registered 'cos of you.

'Two becoming One' is a mystery that most people are ready but not prepared for before getting into.

You love your husband and desire a change, it's not too late but it requires hard work and patience (they work hand-in-hand).

I'll recommend that you invest in marriage books and patiently internalize them. Gary Chapman's books are great subjects on having healthy marriages - invest your time and money reading all you can lay your hands upon. There's a book that also addresses personality and communication,"Communication, the key to your marriage" by Norman Wright.

I'll also encourage you to believe that things will get better 'cos it will work through faith and patience (Heb 6:12). It might a while because it's not a quick fix approach but I pray that you'll share your testimony and encourage others that'll pass thru this.

All the best my dear! Don't really know how you feel but I think you should start to let him know about your feelings. Don't keep things to yourself, it's not good, it kills.

Please try and go for Marriage Counseling! I would recommend you try some " old school" churches like Baptist or Anglicans, From first hand experience they have awesome counseling units, It will do you a lot of good

This might sound so , Have you prayed about it?? Check out the state of your heart with God and spend more time studying his word instead of praying for solutions. He'll come through for you by giving you ideas on what to do and how to relate with your husband better. There are a lot of things to change in your relationship but your marital staus aint one of them. Think back on what he used to do that made you love him, what made you marry him. Those things should put smiles on your face and make you happy. Pls dont do it for your husband or your child. DO IT FOR YOU! You matter a lot. If anything happens to you, the both of them will still live their lives.

Create a convenant time everyday. , . . . i mean Decide that at 10pm - 11pm everyday, i'll study my bible for God to speak to me. When he sees that you keep to it, he'll help you out.
Dont get tired pls. Things will get better. It may take a while but it will certainly be better!

How Long have you guys been married and how long were you together in a relationship you should have understood the kind of person he is while you were dating.Anyway this is a new year and lm sure part of his New Year resolutions will be to have a change of heart and tends to his family.But on the other hand have you checked your sef to know if there are tins you do that pisses him Off??God will help you

I did not read all the responses but here is my take. As a woman, you must master the art of soft skills. You must have humility and know how to talk to your husband. If you talk to a man in a calm and humble way, he will respond. That does not mean that he will agree with you, but at least he will explain his viewpoint. It's been my observation that majority of women are very self centered. it's always about "their feelings". They are so self centered, they can not see reason outside of their feelings. Hence they complain non stop but all they are concerned about is their feelings.

You alluded to some of your faults. The fact is those clashes earlier in your relationship may have caused a major damage. I'm sure he warned you several times about causing drama but you did not listen. Anyways, master the art of soft skills. Stop nagging or making his life miserable. If you want something, ask him repeatedly in a calm and humble manner and he will most likely do it.

I'm sure the guy has his faults, but I can't really speak to that since he is not here to take my advice.

Maybe the guy is trying to get out of the marriage. The poster's husband doesn't want to be the one to intiates divorce, so he is trying to pressure her to do so. If I was her I would investigate the matter. He probably has a sweetie waiting on him back home or closer than you think. BUT I COULD BE WRONG >>>SO

Posted by: Genius100

I did not read all the responses but here is my take. As a woman, you must master the art of soft skills. You must have humility and know how to talk to your husband. [b]If you talk to a man in a calm and humble way, he will respond. That does not mean that he will agree with you, but at least he will explain his viewpoint. [/b]It's been my observation that majority of women are very self centered. it's always about "their feelings". They are so self centered, they can not see reason outside of their feelings. Hence they complain non stop but all they are concerned about is their feelings.

You alluded to some of your faults. The fact is those clashes earlier in your relationship may have caused a major damage. I'm sure he warned you several times about causing drama but you did not listen. Anyways, master the art of soft skills. Stop nagging or making his life miserable. If you want something, ask him repeatedly in a calm and humble manner and he will most likely do it.

I'm sure the guy has his faults, but I can't really speak to that since he is not here to take my advice.

Thank you for the bolded words.

@OP

You alluded to a "cultural difference" between you and your husband; what is that? Are you from different tribes or countries?

My first instinct about your husband is that he may be an unskilled husband, after all, most men understand that the greatest thing you can do for a woman is to listen to their "talks". This is a secret weapon for winning the hearts of most women. Just sit down and keep saying things like "hmm?. . really?, you don't say, eziokwu?, , etc.
Do so at least once a day, and you would have a very happy wife at home. All she really needs is that listening ears whom she tells all her fears, concerns and sorrows. Some top unmarried women even pay guys to be that listening ear. It is a form of therapy. Of course the listening session must be in a romantic setting- restaurant for instance.

Your husband is missing that skill, but you can have a third party teach him. Don't try to do it yourself because he will get worse! Have his trusted friend teach him.

As for gifts, well, you need to stop expecting them from him because he is not into them.
In marriage, you must give up something. Let that be the one you gave up. If on the other hand you manage to get him to listen to you, that would be the best time to tell him about his poor gifting habits.

Good luck with your marriage, and always remember that the grass is always seemingly greener on the other side of the fence.

This is pathetic.but there is a way. That you didn't know him perfectly b/4 you were pregnant 4 him is never an issue. Amos. 3:3(bible) says: can 2 walk together except they agree? If you are a xtian, the problem is half solved. You will make the sacrifice of accepting his inadequacies. You will always pray for him in love, for his progress & for God to change him for the better. Don't be annoyed or flare up when you are provoked. You can kneel down for him & beg for his understanding whenever he's annoyed. Always be humble. Whatever is taking his attention e.g, football (not clubbing), you can force yourself to sit with him & pretend to be enjoying it with him. If he calls ronaldo, say it after him. Give him the best food. Remind him how much you love him. Stop nagging with him. See him as your head. Don't deny him of sex under a flimsy excuse. Give him your heart. Forget your desire, let his desire be your own desire. Above all, create your own happiness for yourself whenever he's not around by getting busy with your hobby. God will see you through. Amen.

I've waited a while before posting again. Since my last message, we had nice times and laughs but it was still very rare. My husband lost his job shortly after and I had to take up another part time job to keep things going financially. He is taking some part time classes too, hoping to get another job afterwards.

But all in all nothing changed really. I am less emotionnal about it, but when I think of him, despite the respect and love I have for him, I have the weird feeling that he is just someone I have to take care of. Like a big baby. I work 7/7 now, when I get home, I have to clean the house, take care of our child, cook our meals, I also take care of our old landlord now,  and he sits in front of TV (when his schedule is way more comfortable than mine), and then comes whining about the food, that he needs my help for this or that (fixing his phone, looking something up on the internet, filling some forms etc.). But If I ask him for anything, he doesn't do it. Today I came home late (he knew about it) with the child, I didn't have anytime to cook before the usual dinner time, and he was home 2 hrs before us,  when I told him he could have fixed something up for the baby (he's a good cook) or at least washed the dishes he just complained about my "bad mood" and left the room.

I've been putting up with this crazy daily life for over a month now, and he never seemed worried for me, acknowledged my efforts or tried to take away some pressure from my shoulders. My family worries about me, even strangers (colleagues, acquaintances) who know about my lifestyle tell me nice things ("you're doing good", ). He never does. And he doesn't understand why I can't pay attention to his childish interests (changing his ringing tone when at night I am finally ready to go to bed after a long hard day)

Anyway,  I should have known better, basically, I can't say he changed. He was always the same. Doing nothing. Just his little own interest, like a teenager. I wonder why he got married,  I might sound very bitter, but the way I look at it : he is not invested in our relationship (dates, nice words, gifts, ) , he is not invested in our daughter's life (he doesn't understand why he has to get up when she cries in the morning, doesn't take her out or bathe he when he watches her for the day, ) ; and he is not invested in anything out of the home (I've always been the main provider in the family, and even this time,  why should it be me taking another part time job on top of everything else? But he never said or even showed that he could do it himself).

So,  I don't plan on divorcing now, I will still try to talk to his family when occasion arises. But I know very well that he doesn't stand any chance on the long run,  Unless he'd come to realize what love really is and start truly loving me,   

Abydee, it's all about communication. Have you sat him down in a calm manner and talked to him about needing help in the household and all that. They key word here is "calm manner". If you try to yell at him, it won't go anywhere. You need to get the message across to him that you will no longer be the provider,

Our dear Aby seems to be tensed up right now. I really wish such super women like you can be getting the support and appreciation they deserve from their spouses. I agree with Mr. Genius that you should let him know what you are feeling, the same way communication paved the way the last time it can still work here.
He may be depressed (his ego may be suffering from from having no job) and needing your encouragement too, talking to him may let him know what you expect from him. Some men were brought up in an atmosphere where a lady does all the domestic work which makes them hands off all the domestic work when their wife is around. I can't assimilate that part about some men schooling and a wife that should be taken care of is working all that hard, education at adult level can be combined with part time job please. Working a job will also do his ego good and he will stop feeling moody. Two jobs and you take care of a baby too, you are a superwoman dear!

My dear Abydee, this thread has been like a rollercoaster ride!
I understand the cultural difference. My Fiance is Nigerian and I'm American. I am in the process of getting ready to move to Nigeria permanently. We contemplated him moving to US but he makes a very good living and as he says he will be able to support me and our future children with ease.

The process of us discussing where to build our home showed me how important him being able to provide for his family is tied to his heart and soul. His entire identity as a man is about him providing and taking care of his family.

I believe that your husband is being very hard on himself about not being able to provide the way he wants to for his family. He is not only a man, he is a Nigerian man. They are nothing like the men of the west who have been coddled and demasculated. My Nigerian man doesn't wake up in the morning expecting the world to be at his beck and call. He puts on his battle gear and heads to war every day. Nigerian men are proud and jealous men who will take care of home no matter what.

It sounds to me that your husband has given up or is depressed. I think he wants to make you happy but he is so wrapped up in his head that he honestly doesn't realize that you are unhappy. That internal drive to provide is very strong and until he meets his own expectations as a man, he will not be able to give you what you so desperately want and need.

This is work he must do on his own. It is very painful to see someone we love go through trials and tribulations. Especially when your needs are not being met. But until he sorts this out for himself, I fear you are going to have to make do on your own.

You must continue to walk your own path of development and growth. I hope he chooses to be there for you at some point, but if not that is okay. You will do what women have been doing for centuries, by making the best of your situation.

Empower yourself and remind yourself that you can not control him, you alone control your reactions and responses to what he does and says.

When my Fiance has a bad day, the thing he appreciates most is my silence. I may have 50 things I need to discuss with him, but if I push to have my needs taken care of right then, I will surely end up disappointed and hurt. I have learned that when he is ready (which really doesn't take long) he will reach out for me, and I've promised him to never be more than a reach away. :-)

Let him know you are there always, and trust him and his potential to love you, as you desire. He chose to make you his wife for a reason. Trust him. Trust his love for you. Trust and know in your heart that this is temporary. Claim victory over this situation and don't dwell on it anymore. You will still feel it but you don't allow yourself to stay in that place. Cry, shout, scream throw a pillow do what you need to do and let it out, and then you do something that makes you happy. May God continue to bless you and your family.

My prayers are with you and yours.

The thing is that, despite all the good I hear of Nigerian men wanting to provide, I doubt he is one of them. He sure is Nigerian, but I don't think he really cares about "making it" or "working hard to provide for his family". He dreams about big money, prays that he'd find someone who would open the doors to him (by making him join a business or something alike). He doesn't dream nor plan to make it himself with what he has now. And to all the rest he just says " that's because he has no money" (that he doesn't buy me presents/ that I'm not happy with him). But he doesn't plan on making any. The kind of small job I do, that provide a decent living for our family, is not good enough for him. Mind you, I hold 2 different Masters when he barely finished secondary school, it's not like he's above all those waiter/waitress part-time job I'm doing!

Honestly, I think he just doesn't mind. He found a woman abroad who loves him and provide for him and don't give him trouble. He's got his papers. He's got time and his needs are met. Why would he worry about anything ? I don't shout or yell at him. I don't talk to him either. I don't have the strenght to go through the same old thing and be disapointed again with the way things go later,

For now, I just accept him. I am praying hard that, as God loves me, he'd open my husband's heart to my needs and things would change. I'd keep praying as long as God keeps me standing with my husband. But that doesn't mean it's gonna be forever,

Get a divorce. Life is too short to spend it bitter

Your situation is really very very sad. You know the problem that is troubling you.

AbyDee:


Honestly, I think he just doesn't mind. He found a woman abroad who loves him and provide for him and don't give him trouble. He's got his papers. He's got time and his needs are met. 

There are 2 solutions to your problem. Either leave him and start afresh or carry on without being bitter. I hope God gives you the strength to make the right decision.

You won't get the support you want on nairaland. if you are tired of your marriage go ahead and QUIT! You make it sound like you are a perfect human being yourself. From experience, people start complaining bout their marriages when they start having toasters or illicit affairs. How long has he being like his? You knew him before you married him or was he forced on you. If you have made a mistake in life live with it or move on. Stop being a bad role model unto others!

FKseun:

You won't get the support you want on nairaland. if you are tired of your marriage go ahead and QUIT! You make it sound like you are a perfect human being yourself. From experience, people start complaining bout their marriages when they start having toasters or illicit affairs. How long has he being like his? You knew him before you married him or was he forced on you. If you have made a mistake in life live with it or move on. Stop being a bad role model unto others!

Mr FK,
Do cut the lady a slack, don't be hard on her dear. We are no perfect humans, we all have our sad and happy times and when unhappy ones come here to lean on others we should at least give them a little sympathy and warmth. I know that ours is a society that has streamlined us all into covering up nicely and acting like all is sweet and nice and if you dare open up a little may get booed and all, we humans are no machines with 100% efficiency. It's no bad thing to seek strength or shoulders to lean on.

I'm sorry to say this Aby but you caused this for yourself. You see one of the reasons why I don't date broke guys is because I don't want to give any man the impression that I can pick up his bills and make up for what he can't provide financially.

some men were sheltered and provided for all their lives. They just don't know how to be men! It's part of your responsibility as his wife to teach him.

Before you took up a second job, you should have ensured he got one for himself, I mean why do you have to be the man and woman at the same time? This is not about being selfish on your part, this is about teaching your man how to be responsible.

I also noticed that you don't talk to him about it. My dear this man is your husband. He has some sort of responsibility towards you. You are letting him off tooo easily and that's the sad part!