I took a 3hour break only to return and see you guys have added more than 100 responses ... Let me trace my steps.

Well, It's really nice hearing different perspectives to the issue at hand.
My 2 cents is this, Marriage is not a 1 person's affair and should be treated as such.
The fact still remains that you can NEVER find a PERFECT SPOUSE. But there's always a room to improve.
Okay,speaking from a guy's perspective since most of the comments have been the other way round.
What if the lady in question doesn't know how To cook or her meals aren't prepared very well, and the husband is a good cook in that case what do you expect?
@deols if a man doesn't know how to dress properly and the wife can, and you sincerely Love him,by teaching him so, he can even be better in that afterwards.
In conclusion, you can only get the near perfect match and have to work on others, and besides do your ISTIKHARA very well before saying a Yes or No.

Marriage isn't about who argues best. Be mindful of this lest you make the best arguments and end up with a broken marriage.

.•*''''*•. Do you know who's the true princess? .•*''''*•.
She has these qualities:
- ‪#‎ Qur‬'an is her guide
- Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)is her example
- Khadijah (RA) is her role model
- ‪#‎ Jannah‬is her goal
- Shyness is her principal manner
- Her Imaan is the secret of her purity
- Her ‪#‎ Hijab‬is the crown ofher chastity
- She is the one who stands to perform salah the momentshe hears ‪#‎ Adhan‬
- She is the one who falls in love only with her husband
- She is the one who spends her night praying to her Lord
- She is the true Muslimah!
May Allah SWT grant all God-fearing men such kind of ‪#‎ muslimah‬, ameen.

You can marry a woman for her wealth but money will perish.
You can marry a woman for her beauty but beauty will fade away.
You can marry a woman for her power but power will be gone.
If you marry a pious and righteous woman who fears ‪#‎ Allah‬,
- she will honour you,
- she will be affectionate with you,
- she will help you to get closer to Allah.
Your love story will last forever. It will begin in this life and Insha'Allah will continue in the Hereafter.
Her love and satisfaction willbe your key to ‪#‎ Jannah‬(Paradise).


We are looking for a spouse with certain qualities but have we developed the qualities that such a spouse would be looking for?

“The sign of a beautiful person is that he always sees beauty in others.” SubhanAllah! ~~ Omar Suleiman ~~
Do you try to see positive traits in your spouse?
`A believing man must never hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one trait in her, he will find another trait in her with which to be pleased.' (Hadith in Muslim)

My brothers and sisters in search of a perfect person, don't lose a true one. Because perfection is fantasy while truth is a reality.
Waleed Basyouni

"We always feel that Allah's Blessings never
come on time, but the truth is, they are
always on time, but we are always in a
hurry!"

ShehuAba: Well, It's really nice hearing different perspectives to the issue at hand.
My 2 cents is this, Marriage is not a 1 person's affair and should be treated as such.
The fact still remains that you can NEVER find a PERFECT SPOUSE. But there's always a room to improve.
Okay,speaking from a guy's perspective since most of the comments have been the other way round.
What if the lady in question doesn't know how To cook or her meals aren't prepared very well, and the husband is a good cook in that case what do you expect?
@deols if a man doesn't know how to dress properly and the wife can, and you sincerely Love him,by teaching him so, he can even be better in that afterwards.
In conclusion, you can only get the near perfect match and have to work on others, and besides do your ISTIKHARA very well before saying a Yes or No.

I agree with you.

Being positive about everything is a good thing however.

I dont see a reason why a young unmarried girl would have it in mind that a kind of man is too good for her or that she cannot have what she wants.

If the perfection does not happen, it should be because you have compromised and not about having the thought that it can not be sooo good.

@showietee, una try ooo

I dont know why people are sooo fast to mention the, 'not everyone is perfect' part.



Or do you stop studying for exams because no one gets a 100% ? Shouln't you be hoping for a hundred so that when you get a 90 it becomes good enough and a distinction?


I remember teaching my younger sis about never settling for less. She must always believe she deserves the best and go for it. Whatever is impeding that best must be let go of. I believe this is how to bring up your children. Giving them high self esteem and making mediocrity a no No. I believe Islam supports this.

deols: @showietee, una try ooo

ma!
what have I done??

deols: I dont know why people are sooo fast to mention the, 'not everyone is perfect' part.



Or do you stop studying for exams because no one gets a 100% ? Shouln't you be hoping for a hundred so that when you get a 90 it becomes good enough and a distinction?


I remember teaching my younger sis about never settling for less. She must always believe she deserves the best and go for it. Whatever is impeding that best must be let go of. I believe this is how to bring up your children. Giving them high self esteem and making mediocrity a no No. I believe Islam supports this.

its just tiring, you say what you want and people jump to conclude ''your list is not realistic'' ''no perfect person'', your reality maybe my fantasy, my reality may be someone else's fantasy. so who's yardstick are we going to use and judge. if i want someone who possesses the 4(beauty,family,wealth,religion) fairly not perfectly but fairly, who's to say its impossible?

^Maybe it's because for most people their dreams of the "perfect spouse" vanished after about 1 week of marriage?

In addition, could it be the knowledge that many people portraying perfect "marital bliss" are hiding skeletons in their cupboards?

Some of us are more pragmatic whilst others may be idealistic. At the end of it all, "it's your life" whatever side of the theory you stand on.

deols: I dont know why people are sooo fast to mention the, 'not everyone is perfect' part.



Or do you stop studying for exams because no one gets a 100% ? Shouln't you be hoping for a hundred so that when you get a 90 it becomes good enough and a distinction?


I remember teaching my younger sis about never settling for less. She must always believe she deserves the best and go for it. Whatever is impeding that best must be let go of. I believe this is how to bring up your children. Giving them high self esteem and making mediocrity a no No. I believe Islam supports this.

You should certainly hope and aim for the best.

However, this is not a 1 hour exam, it would last for a life time. This means that sooner rather than later, the faults of prince charming will show.

We should pray that the weaknesses of our spouses are those we can easily handle or learn to handle. Or better still, one they can work on.

@aunt sissie nd aunt deols- don't mind me, my talk is always general, not particular... Its a REMINDER!

We've once on this same thread talked bout a relating issue which i said observers told me that “they doubt if i ll actually get married“ reason being that “they think my desires is unrealistic“.
Also, no one is perfect and that's for sure....we can run but its hard to hide. Lets hit the nail on the head.
Bro mac once said he doesn't live in lies, am of the same opinion...

Reality and appearance are two distinct course but they are related, if consciousness is compromised in testing the thesis observer might fall for appearance which could later be barbaric...

Compromise is constant!

Wish you what i wish myself...

Av cherry tantalizing life tym.

Sissie:

its just tiring, you say what you want and people jump to conclude ''your list is not realistic'' ''no perfect person'', your reality maybe my fantasy, my reality may be someone else's fantasy. so who's yardstick are we going to use and judge. if i want someone who possesses the 4(beauty,family,wealth,religion) fairly not perfectly but fairly, who's to say its impossible?

Lol.

And I wonder why the men are always in the defensive. I see that in other sections of the forum as well.

I could care less if a man wants the most beautiful intelligent woman in the world.

Abi the men see their deficiencies through these posts?





And seriously, like you said, whose yardstick is the reality?

@showietee, I meant that your poem-like post made sense.

deols:

Lol.

And I wonder why the men are always in the defensive. I see that in other sections of the forum as well.

I could care less if a man wants the most beautiful intelligent woman in the world.

Abi the men see their deficiencies through these posts?

@bolded, not all. For every lady that does not want you as a man, there are probably 5 others who are dying to be with you WITH ALL OF YOUR FAULTS. Men are pragmatic and that shows in our reactions to idealistic single ladies' posts... it is not about being pained, it is about being frank/truthful. The truth is that a lot of single ladies are in Lalaland when it comes to their expectations of marriage.

Well-meaning men will always point this out. The irony is that many of the ladies who have made the switch from single to married either keep quiet or don't tell you the single ones the truth. Maybe, they don't want to be reminded of some of the things they posted whilst being single.

tbaba1234:

You should certainly hope and aim for the best.

However, this is not a 1 hour exam, it would last for a life time. This means that sooner rather than later, the faults of prince charming will show.

We should pray that the weaknesses of our spouses are those we can easily handle or learn to handle. Or better still, one they can work on.

With that, it seems you did not get the point. Do you assume that 'prince charming' was pretending?

Do you pretend to be good now?

Why are you thinking the worst of the prince? That he has faults that he is not showing now?

deols:

With that, it seems you did not get the point. Do you assume that 'prince charming' was pretending?

Do you pretend to be good now?

Why are you thinking the worst of the prince? That he has faults that he is not showing now?

I believe the human being has different facets and unless you are faced with a scenario , that part of you might never come out.

Allah gives the human being tests. For some people, if everything is perfect. They will not question their faith but the moment difficulty hits, a different person emerges. How deep does your Iman go?

In a marriage, you will face different things as well, and some parts of your spouse might emerge that could be unusual.

You do not really know a person until you have been through a few things together, then you build an understanding and learn to deal with each other. This takes years to build.

That is why I say perfection is an illusion but you can definitely get a great person with manageable faults.

tbaba1234:


I believe the human being has different facets and unless you are faced with a scenario , that part of you might never come out.

Allah gives the human being tests. For some people, if everything is perfect. They will not question their faith but the moment difficulty hits, a different person emerges. How deep does your Iman go?

In a marriage, you will face different things as well, and some parts of your spouse might emerge that could be unusual.

You do not really know a person until you have been through a few things together, then you build an understanding and learn to deal with each other. This takes years to build.

That is why I say perfection is an illusion but you can definitely get a great person with manageable faults.

But everyone knows all the things that you wrote above. It is safe to conclude then that We are speaking different languages.


If you check the lists that everyone puts up, no one writes, the perfect situation. Everyone knows that bad things happen.

Even if you lower your standards and marry the ugliest, most unrefined, least religious- everything against what you desire, are you assured of not having the bad things come up?


There are normal every day happenings, reactions to which are according yo the circumstances.

And they are not about people changing. In fact whatever is making the other person change is probably eliciting the same effects on you.

What happens when "Miss Independent" marries "Mr. Perfect"? #LOL

maclatunji:

@bolded, not all. For every lady that does not want you as a man, there are probably 5 others who are dying to be with you WITH ALL OF YOUR FAULTS. Men are pragmatic and that shows in our reactions to idealistic single ladies' posts... it is not about being pained, it is about being frank/truthful. The truth is that a lot of single ladies are in Lalaland when it comes to their expectations of marriage.

Well-meaning men will always point this out. The irony is that many of the ladies who have made the switch from single to married either keep quiet or don't tell you the single ones the truth. Maybe, they don't want to be reminded of some of the things they posted whilst being single.

idealistic single ladies post..... LOL. pragmatic men. by the idealistic single ladies post, i assume am one, so will take this personal.
1. you do not know me, and i do not care if all the men on this thread are pragmatic, so their for i do not want the well-meaning men to point this out,
2. about ladies who have married and switched without telling us the truth,is all blab to me.
oh please there are atleast 5 women that are dying to be with you, why are the men still single.

oh please, the men are being defensive, i dont know which of the ladies said they wanted perfect men. or deols did you say you want a perfect man. so where did the perfect man preaching spring from.
this is tiring
TO EACH HIS OWN.
wish all the ''pragmatic men and idealistic women the best''

showietee: @aunt sissie nd aunt deols- don't mind me, my talk is always general, not particular... Its a REMINDER!

We've once on this same thread talked bout a relating issue which i said observers told me that “they doubt if i ll actually get married“ reason being that “they think my desires is unrealistic“.
Also, no one is perfect and that's for sure....we can run but its hard to hide. Lets hit the nail on the head.
Bro mac once said he doesn't live in lies, am of the same opinion...

Reality and appearance are two distinct course but they are related, if consciousness is compromised in testing the thesis observer might fall for appearance which could later be barbaric...

Compromise is constant!

Wish you what i wish myself...

Av cherry tantalizing life tym.

i do not have a problem with the post, besides all this isnt new, we all know compromise is a sure thing, me myself am not perfect.
its just tiring when you talk and people want to ''preach'' to you.

Most of these issues have been over flogged in the past. If we continue, people would always come with their own versions of wants and needs. Why don't we just leave each person to his own decision and discuss things that are more general and everyone can benefit from.

Ok. Here's one. As any one noticed the alarming rate of divorce and marital problems in our societies. What do you think is the way forward and what are the issues that normally lead to misunderstanding in most homes.

Sissie:

idealistic single ladies post..... LOL. pragmatic men. by the idealistic single ladies post, i assume am one, so will take this personal.
1. you do not know me, and i do not care if all the men on this thread are pragmatic, so their for i do not want the well-meaning men to point this out,
2. about ladies who have married and switched without telling us the truth,is all blab to me.
oh please there are atleast 5 women that are dying to be with you, why are the men still single.

Lol.

I get your drift.

Sissie: oh please, the men are being defensive, i dont know which of the ladies said they wanted perfect men. or deols did you say you want a perfect man. so where did the perfect man preaching spring from.
this is tiring
TO EACH HIS OWN.
wish all the ''pragmatic men and idealistic women the best''

I also wish everyone the best.

onegig: Most of these issues have been over flogged in the past. If we continue, people would always come with their own versions of wants and needs. Why don't we just leave each person to his own decision and discuss things that are more general and everyone can benefit from.

Ok. Here's one. As any one noticed the alarming rate of divorce and marital problems in our societies. What do you think is the way forward and what are the issues that normally lead to misunderstanding in most homes.

You said it all... Human wants and needs will always be different from each other; all in all, nobody is right or wrong in our expectation of what we want or desire. Everything is always based on each person perspective to life.

If everyone of us are asked to define LIFE itself, we will all define LIFE according to how we view and have experience it; and at the end of the day, we will all be right in our definition. So, there is no basis for argument over what each and everyone of us want. Almighty Allah will grant us the best.


TO YOUR QUESTION... What cause the high rate of divorce and marital problem in our Societies. I will answer this question based on my own perspective.

High rate of divorce is been experienced nowadays due to the uncompromisable attitude of both man and woman; we youth of nowadays are always looking forward to marrying the perfect partner without realizing that there is no perfect partner any where unless pretender who might be proving to be what they are not until they hook their desire man/woman before showing their real colour.

Our parents compromise, that is why most of them are still together up till today; they never expect to hook up with perfect person because it is certain that you can NEVER know more than 50% of a person's character or way of life until you move closer or started living with them. That is also the case with two friends, some friend might be very close but once they started living together they will start seeing what they have not seen about each other before.

Another reason could also be from women perspective, as most girls of nowadays believe that their husband can never be the head of the house (as in controlling them). They also want to be the head, they really want to share house chore with their husband (though husband assisting wife in house chore is not bad but it must come from the man voluntarily and not that the woman will insist that they must be done together). Most of the so-called religious girls (Muslim Sister) don't really even follow what is prescribed in the Quran and Hadith in which they claim they follow when it comes to the ROLES AND DUTIES of Husband and Wife.

deols:

But everyone knows all the things that you wrote above. It is safe to conclude then that We are speaking different languages.


If you check the lists that everyone puts up, no one writes, the perfect situation. Everyone knows that bad things happen.

Even if you lower your standards and marry the ugliest, most unrefined, least religious- everything against what you desire, are you assured of not having the bad things come up?


There are normal every day happenings, reactions to which are according yo the circumstances.

And they are not about people changing. In fact whatever is making the other person change is probably eliciting the same effects on you.

Alright, let me put this better.

You should certainly aim for the best but you are going to be living in the same house with this person and he is going to be all over your private space.

Forget the big things, you would probably get irritated by the little things particularly if you are used to a certain way of doing things.

I think that I am a very patient person but I have had to move out of a house because of my flatmate. A muslim. A good guy but seemed to have problems living with people. The next brother moved out as well.

That was a first for me, because I have lived with 'crazy' boys and we managed to maintain a good relationship.

Before even talking about big changes, the little things will come up first. Unless you are very observant, you will not notice the cracks or choose to ignore it.

In the case of my brother, I ignored the signs and moved in.

SOLUTION TO DIVORCE.... According to my own perspective is as follows:

Before man and woman have a relationship with each other, they have to have a relationship with the Creator (Allah), otherwise, there is no self-policing in the marriage. People should not enter marriage with the intention that it's disposable. You have to enter it with the mindset that you're going to work hard. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Human beings go through ups and downs. When we're down, we help each other up. We don't run when we're down or take pride when we're up.

In Islam, the wife has certain financial rights, such as dowry and alimony; she has the right of respect and so on.
Just like the husband is obligated to treat his wife with respect and kindness, the wife is obligated to obey her husband. The husband should also be respectful to the wife and kind, not threatening or abusing her.

I believe the above 2 points if taken into consideration can solve almost 70% of the divorce rate that is been experienced in the world now.

maclatunji:

@bolded, not all. For every lady that does not want you as a man, there are probably 5 others who are dying to be with you WITH ALL OF YOUR FAULTS. Men are pragmatic and that shows in our reactions to idealistic single ladies' posts... it is not about being pained, it is about being frank/truthful. The truth is that a lot of single ladies are in Lalaland when it comes to their expectations of marriage.

Well-meaning men will always point this out. The irony is that many of the ladies who have made the switch from single to married either keep quiet or don't tell you the single ones the truth. Maybe, they don't want to be reminded of some of the things they posted whilst being single.

bro i no de there ooooooooooooooo............................... not willing to add that for now

Sissie:

i do not have a problem with the post, besides all this isnt new, we all know compromise is a sure thing, me myself am not perfect.
its just tiring when you talk and people want to ''preach'' to you.

sis you need not to get tired, we must continue to remember ourselves of the goodies we seems to forget atimes................... FORGETFUL MAN!

showietee:




sis you need not to get tired, we must continue to remember ourselves of the goodies we seems to forget atimes................... FORGETFUL MAN!

When I said preach I didn't say it in the religious context, I meant you talk and someone wants to advise, teach, recommend, give sermon to you. At times it's just TALK.
And I didn't say am tired I said it's tiring. And I didn't say we should not remind ourselves, if I didn't want reminders, I won't be in this section to start with.