ken2009:

it is only a matter of time before gay people have their way. i dont think a person would in his right mind choose to be gay, i have never heard of it. Being gay could really be a tough burden, imagine hiding who you truly are for your entire life--living a life that is a lie. Before anyone starts to condemn gay people, i urge to look very well within your own family. if you say they should be stoned, how about that your brother, or sister, or nephew, our people say do not throw stones in the market place for you do not know who it will hit!!!

would av just passed on until i saw ur post----the highlighted question is what i asked my mum when i came out to her about my sexuality. i asked her "do you think this is something i planned or chose for myself, deliberately attracted to the same sex"? "choosing the life of scorn, hate, reproach, isolation, fear,sin and damnation"? she was shocked because she knew she i wouldn't even if i had lost my mind. she just cried.

i have beaten myself down beyond what pples words could ever do to me,---i have wasted too much time and energy hating myself, God and everything else. i have asked endless questions whether God loves me, created me or can change me. its very easy for someone look @ another persons life n highlight the flaws but living that life is an entirely different story, trust me, you wouldnt want to ----luckily pple are quick to castigate and condemn rather show understanding that mite eventually allow pple (gays) see that help is available. what we easily forget is that gay or straight, we are all work in progress.

am not a fan of marriage (gay or straight) but i still believe if u must be married, it should be as God intended.

its an emancipating feeling atimes to be answerable to yourself alone and not have to think for two.

dyin frm a broken heart dwells more on emotional and mental degaradation. if not handle with care it could affect one's physical health. i have a friend who told she cried so much that she lost weight after her last relationship ended. she said she had crazy thoughts going through head and there were days she didnt want to wake up. but she finally came around, and she's stronger than ever.

drrionelli:

A very cogent point is made by olanajim. Indeed, there is something to be said for being alone. Solitude is, truly, of great significance. And, remember, being alone does not mean being lonely. It has been said (with great truth) that one can be lonely in a great crowd of people.

Time alone allows one to better determine one's self. Doing so allows a person to better assess what s/he has to bring to any given relationship, whether a casual friendship, a professional acquaintanceship or a romantic relationship. Too many times, people go from being somebody's child directly to being somebody's spouse and immediately to being somebody's parent, when they have not determined who they, themselves, are. Ideally, one should be definable in terms of being an individual entity, not in terms of how one is connected to somebody else.

well said. how do i survive being lonely? i really don't know but usually feel lonely when i can't feel alive even in the midst of tons of people. its really scary atimes.

@drri: happy new year 2u too. wishing you God's best in 2008! thanks 4 being a shoulder to cry on.

@top kin: thanks alot my brother, as crazy as ur advice was, it made me smile. . in latter part of my teenage years, i explored that option by watching alot of porn, hoping that the image of naked females would somewhat correct my sexuality. but later i realised it was way more than a sexual twist. i have had countless girls who give their left arm to have sex with me but i declined. like u said, God is in control and i do believe He alone can is able.

breed: ur sure right! one thing i can say is that the yrs have taught me that though i feel that way, i do not necessarilly need to live my life that way. i have to admit that i do get frustrated and tired alot but i never cave in. i just dont want to live my life fighting this battle every day.
i would kill to have a normal relationship, a family, my own kids, even a heartbreak no matter how bad but, am still waiting.


thanks alot, you guys really spurn me on to believe.

wow, thats a load of information! but i think am more concerned about not being around when that time comes.

pilgrim.1:

There is only one reason why they go to such lengths.

which is?

witchcraft & teleporting? you guys are on your own!

Jezzy:

Homosexuality is a form of sexual immorality.I could go on and tell you what a beautiful person you are and how you are unique(you are) and how you should not let anyone put you down(don't ever) but if I said that and omitted the fact that the way you are headed leads to destruction,I wouldn't have done you any favors.My dear,think it through ok.Your emotions and desires shouldn't be the master of you.
I hope you think hard and long.Wishing you the best.

i do not dispute that. clearly thats why it bothers me. pls know that i have never live my life that way and i am not saying i intend to but i know i feel these things and i cannot deny it either. i really appreciate any suggestions u have on moving forward cos i have tried all i can.

sure i will. but not on this forum, i see pple post all sorts in this place and i wonder if they have "REAL ISSUES" . my mail addy is georgehandell@yahoo.com you can always mail me.

cheers.

I heard u guys loud and clear.

i have decided am no longer gonna torture myself endlessly with this. i have committed everything to God, He knows best. i also decided to keep my friendship with Ozy the way it is, i wouldnt want to lose it for anything in the world.

i know we have they say that life will not hand u more than you can bear, and as hard as this might be, i won't let it break me.

@drri, iice & rati ken; i know u guys didnt say that just to make me feel better (its obvious i have a low self esteem), its becos u truly were concerned. God bless u guys real good.

wishing u guys a beautiful holiday and all d best in the years ahead.

i guess alot of people mite find it extra-hard to grasp what am sayin.

i am not in anyway seeking for acceptance or approval in any form. if not i would not have any issues about this. Clearly, i know it strange, different, and morally wrong and thats why it bothers me. empathy mite be a strong word but i don't think understanding is.

@ drii: i read your post, it was nice and insightful and i could use that on days am at my lowest. thanks.

blackgucci:

the virgina was made for the privates and the asshole for waste, thats your physiology ,thats the way you were made, male for the female and female for the male , a simple law even magnetisim can't defile "like charges repel and unlike charges attract", that easy.

Its only a battle of the mind by virtue of rationality, don't get it twisted your new found affection is perverse, a making of a misinformed mind.
you are not HOMOSEXUAL because nobody was made that way,

i quite understand you, but i supposed to fake that am alright to that lie becomes my truth? and for the record, the way i feel and what i feel is in the least sexual.

@drrionelli:
pls know that what u wrote there means the world and tons more to me (i cried and laughed when i read it). ur like iice said, i guess i know what road am travelling on as hard as it is to accept. i am tired of really not feeling good enough and like my life will never amount to something.
i really do appreciate my folks (and Ben) and i guess they really make me understand what family is all about cos the continually love, support and pray for me. Am not really talking to my parents, i visit them once in awhile but there's nothing to talk about when am with them. i feel i've lost their love and acceptance.

all along i've bin trying to fit in, do what a guy's gotta do, but am tired of fakin it. your words challenge me to take responsibility for my life and not try to put myself in a box or under a label. God bless u real good.

iice:

hmmm atleast you now know who you are. . .unlike some people who still flounder till the end. . .

yeah iice, its a hard and unbecoming reality

uspry1:

nice memoirs, i hope you should be aware of Nigeria law about homosexual.

Think about it!

av done more than that for the past 10 years of my life. definitely i aint proud of this and if there was a pill that changes everything , i will kill to have it. i guess am yet to truly  understand why i have to go through all this much less the nigerian law

yeah, i have been with quite a few of them, its usuaslly the same cycle, she's so into me and am not into her. they usually end up frustrated and confused and think there's  someone on the side but they don't know its me. i really have not decided what it is and am in no way seeking consent to try men but i really have done all can to make my life meaningful and worth it. i tried.

@adeboo: its just a summary of what my life feels to be like. am currently @ the edge, and i think i should start accepting and living in my reality.

hi everyone,

of course my name is not handell, but the anomymity makes this repressing story easier to tell. am 28 years old , i have a wonderful job in a bank and few amazing friends. growing up was fun and easy and i always thought i was going to turn out right but i guess i was wrong. when i turned 17, i had a concerned and distrubing feeling about myself, i was not interested or attracted to ladies. i thought it was just a phase ,but the reality finally hit me @ 20 that i might be gay

if you knew me, you'll bet with your soul that i couldn't be but that was due to the front i usually put up. i have never been in love or in  relationship with either sexes,but i was gradually losing my mind. when i turned 25, i had to tell someone because i couldn't contain it anymore and that was my close friend (Ben) and i showed a journal i had kept. He was more than a friend and though he was shocked, he told me i would be alrite and advised that i told my folks. this honest advice did not yield the best result as my parents totally lost it and they said the most unbelievable things to me, i never cried that hard and long in my life. my siblings were my rock at that time and they told me they would not love me any less if that was who i was.

even through smiles and laughter, everyday is sad and long where am sucidal 30% of the time and depressed throughout the rest. i have been through series of counselling sessions and delivarance progrmmes but the word hope is gradually making no sense in my case.

i met a guy,  (Ozzy) recently and we have become close and very good friends. i care alot about him even if he aint gay,  and i think he knows this. as forbidden as its sounds, the wy i feel about him is real but i could never bring myself to tell him, but for the first time i feel that there's of truly being satisfied. however am not sure if i want to start this journey.

there's no more hurt any unkind remarks can me feel because i know i have been through the worst of it. maybe am the only one going through this or maybe there are other people like me, but am still waiting for that change to come, if it will ever come.

everbody pretends