Speaking for myself at least, I have never said that I wanted a man perfect in all aspects but rather a man that would reciprocate the love, care and respect that comes in a relationship. I am sorry but managing in not good enough. You ought to strongly believe in something if you want to make it work.
Thank you all for your input…
@ Aisha…thanks girl! I hear u…
@Jay – Bee, I can’t find a way to reply to mess!!!!

Chinesedoll what you have said is true. I must find the strenght to move on. I do realize that I would be better to remain single than to go through all this suffering. Thanks for honest words, i must trust myself and rebuild from scratch, otherwise there is only misery waitin for me ahead,

Pro1 I certainly do not come across as a selfish or vain person. On the contrary, I was generous and giving - and we are not talking only material here - when his hand was closed, i kept on giving and forgiving, hoping that one day the attitude would change. I have been through though times but b/c i am a proud person neva complained or asked for help, and when I finally did, see what happened? hum at least I know now. Good thing I found out before marriage.

@MrBrownJay you are being very harsh now, i should not complain that he is stingy b/c he has two kids? so i should suffer silently, yes for 2 years and always come last? i have neva asked anything of him that impeded on his ability to provide for his children, on the contrary i have assisted when I could, not easy trust me. what i was is desperately naive!

Chinesedoll what you have said is true. I must find the strenght to move on. I do realize that I would be better to remain single than to go through all this suffering. Thanks for honest words, i must trust myself and rebuild from scratch, otherwise there is only misery waitin for me ahead,

From Nigeria, why?

No I am not obese, nor am I ugly or lacking attention from other men. I guess I am just confused and panicked. No advise is wasted here. It is just one of those things you don't realise how deep you are into it until you finally decide to step out and look at it from a distance.

Yes it is the same person. Why should you say such things? they are not meaningless threads nor a waste of time. I am confused here and seeking genuine advice. Talking to you guys makes me see the ridicule in this situation, sometimes when things are so baad that you don't even know where to start in revealing them to those closest to you, this is the situation that I am in. What I am asking myself here is whether the end result is worth all the trouble and wise words however harsh they may be are always the best cure.

i am 26,

I hate to say this but when all your friends are getting married and having babies, you tend to show a greater tendency at being blind to certain things…after all no relationship is perfect right? Time is not on my side and I’ve being ignoring all the red signs just to make this happen…however this last move of his has made me realize that if I ever fall, he would certainly not be there to help me get back on my feet so either I go on praying that I am neva in a situation where I would need his helping hand or just find the strength to move on and wait for a true life partner.

Of course he is my fiancé, he was the first one to shout it everywhere…he did give me a ring after much fussing around, perhaps in relation to the idea of actually having to pay for a small diamond! I never pressured him but he said that he was ready to settle down as he had found the one i.e the one who neva asked for anything perhaps? Of course we do talk about the future. He has expressed his views saying that he could not be the one providing everything b/c I work too and have a salary, however small it is. He has even met my momma – be it said that he went empty-handed when mere flowers or even chocolate would have done the trick b/c he is not into all that pleasing stuff to use his own words. I can tell you he did not score very high but stick I stood by him. At least now I know I am not crazy!

He is not testing me. That’s just the way he is, no xmas, no bday present…always the bare minimum with him. His excuse is that he left Africa way too early and is probably too westernized about these things…to which I answer non sense b/c first of all it is not an African thing to take care of your woman the way you should and second of all, even if it was an “African things” I know people who were born here, in the so-called west but who have nonetheless not lost the true meaning of being a man. He says he would never entertain the idea of me being a stay at home mom…something that is still very much encountered here in the so-called white man’s land!

Googles, yes it’s incredible isn’t it? Old fashioned yet pretending to be so modern! He is so stingy it’s alarming. Let me add he has very little expenses and prefers to seat on an ever swelling savings account. Does not even have his own accommodation at 35+++, he says he is waiting for me to come over so that we can share rent abeg…if he had been a student or young graduate struggling I would understand no pb…but come on now…

Hi, I have always thought that my fiancé was a bit on the stingy side and would like to have opinions as to how things are done these days. He makes 3.5 more money than I do but yet refuses to provide any sort of assistance, which anyways I never ask. He always insists on dividing everything 50/50. we live in separate cities and the other day when I visited him, we went grocery shopping for me to cook for his family (brother and friends), he still insisted at the till that I pay for all the groceries I had picked up (for all of us) while he paid for his shopping (juices and other small items). I was shocked but did not say anything. The other day I asked him for help paying this month’s rent as I spent quite some cash on unplanned tickets to go visit him – he got so mad and told me he would not help – not b/c he could not – but b/c he would not as I am a big girl, said that I should move into a room or smtg which I can afford and then disappeared completely –as in not a call or sms, nothing. Have I done the imaginable by asking for help? I have never depended on him for n e thing but for him to know that I may be facing hardship and still show no concern out of some new – if you ask me completely unmanly and misguided – sense of being a modern man and then just disappear like that, I find it quite cowardly. What will happen when we do get married…have kids…he is the type of men that will actually ask me to put in my half if our kids are to wear diapers. Please, tell me if this is how things operate in a couple nowadays. I know that we are far from the days of our parents when men used to take care of everything in the house, but of my god, has it come down to this? There is a ten-year gap b/t us which makes our current professional profiles thus salaries quite different but this type of men only makes you pray to get there quickly enough so that you may never be shamed/ridiculed again for asking help you from where you thought you would always find a shoulder to support you.
Do you reckon this is normal behaviour?

My friend who Ive known since Uni admitted having an affair with another woman through almost the entire duration of his wife’s pregnancy. It still goes on now even after the baby was born. He takes the girl out while going out in group even though everyone knew that his wife was at home heavily pregnant. I thought at the beginning that it was because he could not be sexually active with the wife that he was looking for satisfaction elsewhere but this justification now seems insufficient. Plus it seems that he is developing feelings for the other girl who herself knows but seems indifferent to the whole thing. When I confronted him about the dangers of the situation, he simply replied that this was nothing but an extra…
I am usually not offended by cheating – its inevitability having been long established…but does pregnancy provide a basis for justification / or simply make it worse?

To have children and provide them with the right framework to grow up and face life with loving parents on their side.

I would say yes as PAST PERFORMANCE IS THE SUREST INDICATOR OF FUTURE PERFORMANCE,

Dear SadWoman,

Apologies for the delay of my answer.
First of all, I am really sorry to hear that things turned sour in your marriage. I wish you all the strength and courage to deal with it.
Thank you for sharing your life story. Although it is very sad that you had to find out about his infidelity this way, I am sure that the future will bring you appeasement knowing that you finally walked out of something that was not working out.
Was this triggered by his infidelity/online dating? I am actually starting to believe that it is a fact of life that men cannot and will not remain monogamous in a relationship!
Stay strong!

Jazzy,
was away for a while but I am back now to say thank you for taking the time to answer and share some advice…
I still have not taken a final decision on the matter but it was truly helpful having a man’s point of vue on the matter.
I hope all is well with you and your family.

Thank you all for your responses.
Yes if you have read my other posts, he is indeed the same guy with the hidden babymama (s) issues. I think I need to take some distance and analyse this, by re-reading myself I realize all the s*** I have had to put on, I am not sure even Barack would have been worth the trouble! What is he looking for online that I cannot provide him with? I am always sexy for him, cooks the nicest dishes, nice to his friends and kid, respectful to his family, don't ask him for a dime, forgave his lies and stinginess, surely when nothing is ever good enough it is perhaps not meant to be, i meant just how imperfect can you be?

hum hum, try to guess,

Of course Jazzy!

Honeric
I have confronted him about it but he denied vehemently…said that his roommate has been using the same comp so it must be him…or perhaps his brother using his profile to cruise girls online. the very next day he had deleted everything only to start again a few months later thus the word addiction…

Chika
A girl will refuse to see till reality slaps blindness out of her eyes…she will always wait and see thinking ”will he or will he not? is he actually capable of doing this or I am just dreaming…

JazzyPhizzle thank you for your advice. I appreciate it. I needed a man point of vue of the issue. See I only found out about the second time at the vert last minute. By that time the families had gotten involved which makes it hard to back out. His family now knows but mine doesn’t…I can’t even find the words to start with. But they will not forgive me if I walk into this keeping them in the darkness. Whether he loves me wholeheartedly? Hard one to answer. Truth is he is a confused man! Who would not be? He had know both the girls for less than a month before he got them pregnant ( no comment) and feels that all women are conniving creatures which necessarily bears an impact on me and this relationship that’s proving quite heavy to lift off the ground. It is very hard to love someone only to see them enter into lifelong relationships with other women and you know there is nothing you can do about it…just swallow it and go on…please bear with your wife, this must be really hard for her and will always be. she loves you dearly to have stood on your side. I am sure you are being the best father that you can. Kids are always a blessing…

How do you prepare yourself to be cheated on? I guess I just needed to confirm that this is indeed uncommon behaviour. I do not know many women who would accept it, As for some flirting with another woman is already cheating!we’re not 19 anymore, when as a man you’re way past 30 there are types of entertainments you should leave behind. I am starting to be disillusioned with him. A balanced person does not wait until their partner falls asleep to go look for excitement online…

Well I have always believed in second chances, he seemed to be reformed. Or perhaps I was too naïve and saw this just as a past time. If I had a bf and still put my profile on dating sites, it would mean that I am definitely seeking a way out…but then again, men entertain themselves different. I just hope that he does not act on it. If he physically meet up with them one thing can lead to another…

JazzyDizzle I would like to know how it is going because I find myself today in the exact same place as your ex-girlfriend now wife used to be. Except that in my case, this is the second “love child” that he’s had. The first one I was aware of going into the relationship.he is now talking of marriage and being a good father to his two children as well but is that really possible? The situation is also less than ideal with his 1rst babymama so why should I expect things to get better now that another little one has been added to the mix?

Re the pastor with two wives this is not unheard of. It seems additional/subsequent marriages can be performed traditionally. Several African head of states are known polygamists. Look at Jacob Zuma who cumulates four OFFICIAL wives and four RECOGNIZED fiancées

Are they real Christians then when they divorce knowing fully well that they can never remarry in church again?

There are several reasons:
1. at a younger age, they just want to have fun, feel liberated no strings attached. Because a married man is by definition unavailable (I’m sure some could challenge this though), there is less possibility to get emotionally attached because she will always remembers that even after the greatest session, he will always get up, put his clothes back on and run or crawl back to his wife.
2. there is also this married status that somehow makes them more appealing to some women. A married man has proven to the whole word that he was man enough to take up a wife and take care of her…this creates envy in some challenge-craving hearts…they want to have a piece of that good man too
3. they are usually older which can lead some to align that with increased experience
4. some women feel more special when pursued by a married man than a single man…thinking “he has a wife yet he runs after me I must be special whereas them single boys could just be looking to grab anything that moves”.
5. fourth and last reason: genuine wickedness: the pleasure you derive from taking AND enjoying what is not yours…delirious!

it depends on the kind of man she marries. If he is good to her and satisfies her why would she look elsewhere? however if he himself has a tendency to play around this can only act as an inspiration for her to do her own thing. I do not believe that human beings are monogamous by nature!

Financially speaking we are independent for each other…he used to be quite a womanizer until I “pacified” him as he likes to claims…I think he could be relapsing back to his old ways…

No he don’t live in Nigeria…we both reside in Europe…he got papers and cash…

I have read a few of his messages…he usually ask them whether they would like to go out for a drink…flirts about how sexy their pics looks…I just refuse to believe that should one of these girls reply AND be available, he would have the heart or foolishness to actually go…