linearity:
You should stay put and don’t mediate.

Traditional and custom wise, as far as you are concern, your sister is not yet married. They have to complete what the customs dictates before you make any move.

As the first son, you are the custodial of your family customs and traditions and cannot be seem as the one helping to undermine it. Tell your Sister and your Mom that, you are not aware of her marriage and that, your door is open, if they want to come and make things right.

And it does not require much to make things right, in my place, a bottle of wine or local gin is enough, it is not that you need their money or for them to come and pay homage to you.

KOPT33:


Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.

Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Coldfeets:
Stop deceiving yourself biko.

You are relishing this moment because you've always prayed for it.

Now it's your turn to take your own pound of flesh and you want to take your time in having a perfect revenge.

My friend please just go and save your sister's marriage... if you can.

Revenge is sweet but an eye for an eye will leave everyone blind.

PoliticalChinex:
Purge yourself of past grudges from your family and do something fast!!


If your sister's marriage breaks, u will still be involved!


Stop acting like small pikin and be a man!


If France and England can forgive Germany after causing them so much deaths and destructions in World Wars, why can't u simply forgive ur family! !

DukeNija:


Save which stupid marriage? Is he Jesus Christ the savior? If he was still reeling of poverty and suffering won’t the marriage crash? Lol @ save the marriage.
Pls let the marriage crash! Sister that didn’t call her brother for years, that’s not a sister.

KOPT33:


I am actually clear-headed with everyone in my family. Just that I live in self-perpetuated ignorance of my sisters marriage.

What would have been your reaction to the whole thing if you were me?

selfemployed:
Op you are right in your decision.

But just count the cost before you conclude.

What will you gain if your sisters marriage crashes?

Unhappiness, She may become a liability, She may become wayward and fall into wrong hands. Etc.


What will you gain if you bury your ego and make peace between them?

More blessings... especially for their children

Blessed are the peacemakers....

Life is not worth living in pains. Everyone will still end up six feet below where there's no ego

linearity:
You should stay put and don’t mediate.

Traditional and custom wise, as far as you are concern, your sister is not yet married. They have to complete what the customs dictates before you make any move.

As the first son, you are the custodial of your family customs and traditions and cannot be seem as the one helping to undermine it. Tell your Sister and your Mom that, you are not aware of her marriage and that, your door is open, if they want to come and make things right.

And it does not require much to make things right, in my place, a bottle of wine or local gin is enough, it is not that you need their money or for them to come and pay homage to you.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Acidosis:

Your mom has some explanations to make. Until that is done, do nothing.

Two statements that destroy people:

(1) Leave everything to God (yeah, leave everything to god including your commonsense)

(2) Forgive and forget (oh, what about correct, forgive and forget?)

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

DukeNija:


It’s like your eyes are covered with cobwebs abi? Couldn’t you read where he said he pays for them to have a life? He foots all their bills? Is that a sign of unforgivenes? Pls if you don’t have something reasonable to contribute just go and do something else.

agabaI23:
KOPT33
Another thing is, you have to be grateful to your family in a way because they helped with your success today.

stacyadams:
..I stand with you bro...but on d long run..ur still d first son..I tink d family understands that now

selfemployed:


So what will he gain if the sister's marriage crashes just because he refused to mediate?

excomarow:



The man said no one has explain niether apologies to him.


He was not alive then, now that he has resurected, He is their saviour

DukeNija:


Save which stupid marriage? Is he Jesus Christ the savior? If he was still reeking of poverty and suffering will he be called upon? Lol @ save the marriage.
Pls let the marriage crash! Sister that didn’t call her brother for years, that’s not a sister.
@op better allow your sister and mother to solve their problems.

KOPT33:


Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.


Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

Coldfeets:


Two wrongs don't make a right.

PoliticalChinex:
Purge yourself of past grudges from your family and do something fast!!


If your sister's marriage breaks, u will still be involved!


Stop acting like small pikin and be a man!


If France and England can forgive Germany after causing them so much deaths and destructions in World Wars, why can't u simply forgive ur family! !