KOPT33:


I do my absolute best for my family. More than 50% of my spending is on family. The only thing is that I don't know if my sister is married or not, and I have never said anything about the marriage till today. I don't see myself starting anytime soon.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Acidosis:

Your mom has some explanations to make. Until that is done, do nothing.

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

KOPT33:


Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.

Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Acidosis:

Your mom has some explanations to make. Until that is done, do nothing.

Two statements that destroy people:

(1) Leave everything to God (yeah, leave everything to god including your commonsense)

(2) Forgive and forget (oh, what about correct, forgive and forget?)

KOPT33:


Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.

Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

selfemployed:


So what will he gain if the sister's marriage crashes just because he refused to mediate?

selfemployed:


Why are they looking for him to mediate if he has nothing to offer.

The adults involved in marriage are fully responsible for the outcome. But if they ask you for help in any form, don't deny them for any reason if it's in your power to do so.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

richyfunky:

You're a wise man and a true custodian of ur tradition. Keep it up

Coldfeets:
Stop deceiving yourself biko.

You are relishing this moment because you've always prayed for it.

Now it's your turn to take your own pound of flesh and you want to take your time in having a perfect revenge.

My friend please just go and save your sister's marriage... if you can.

Revenge is sweet but an eye for an eye will leave everyone blind.

ochukwuma15:



There was a marriage bro. There was a valid marriage!!!

I don't know the tribe you hail from, but as the first son of the family, you're supposed to represent your late father in the traditional marriage rites okay . Now if the family can get someone that will be there instead of your to represent your father (in this case, a brother to your late father or an uncle to your late father), then the traditional marriage is valid.

Now coming to the white marriage, your consent is not needed, the consent of the people needed are : the bride, the groom and the marriage sponsors. Once four of them are present in church, the officiating priest goes on with the wedding.

I wrote this writeup to explain to you and any other proud person that might be reading this that the first son of a family has no significant role to play in marriage rites especially in igbo context.

Now , what a good son will do is to wish her sister good in her marriage, though it will pain him that his dear sister got married in his absence, now that the marriage hit the rocks, he will do everything humanly possible to unite her sister back to her marriage knowing fully well that marriage is the happiness of every woman and also knowing fully well that if her sister is happy in her husband's house, then the first son has one less mouth to feed and take care of.

What will an evil son do?
Exactly what you're doing now!

I pray my writeup meets you in good faith. Always be there for your siblings no matter what.

Do have a lovely weekend.

MrMoney007:

kids don't talk where elders are talking

ochukwuma15:


The dude is gradually destroying a family his late father labored to build and you're urging him to keep it up.

Years back, when I was a kid, my dad told me that to make a good family, all members of the family must be in that family with one eye.

Secondly, whatever consigns your sisters comes first. Maybe his own father didn't tell him that.

But let us not help the dude destroy his family okay . He said that he was wayward before which necessitated the elders going on with the marriage initially without consulting him, now that he's coming around, help him to come around 360 degrees and not 180 degrees.

Now that he's coming around, let him be there for everyone especially his sister, so that if things changes for him tomorrow, his sister will be there for him in return.

The family is the smallest particle of our society, if his family is stable, my own will be stable and yours will equally be stable and the Nigerian society will be stable and all of us will be happy.

I wish his sister strength in this trying times, with or without his support, she will come out victorious.

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

NwanyiAwkaetiti:
Tell them to complete the custom so you can act as a mediator or you let go of the past. Our Nigerian society gives less respect and attention to a poor struggling man. It's bad but that's just the reality in which we find ourselves in.