@Jodi -

Well, here is what to do. Quite clearly the relationship between yourself and your husband has broken down, as evidenced by some of your comments. This is certainly no work related matter, nor is the sofa more "comfortable". You need to retrace back to find out what went wrong and the exact time it happened. Defensive behaviour, unwillingness to participate in family life, sleeping away from the wife, are all symptoms men display when there is a deep underlying issue in the relationship that has not been addressed. Though i understand your frustration, being snide, and asking him to leave and find another home is not going to help this situation.

My advice to you is to throw off all pride, airs and graces; Go on your knees, wearing your heart on your sleeve, beg him earnestly to tell what the problem is. Is is something you have done? If it is, be contrite and beg for his forgiveness. Is it something that he has done? Let him know you will forgive him. Tell him it is better he physically kills you, than allow you to live in this situation. 

Tell him with tears in your eyes how much you miss him, how much you need him, how much his children need him, and how much his family need him. Let him know you love him deeply, and you need his help to make the marriage work well. Do this, it may take some time, but i assure you that he will slowly start to come around - whatever the issue is. Be genuinely vulnerable and appeal to his manly instincts; Men cannot but help surrender to a vulnerable woman - much less a wife and mother of their children.

And oh, don't forget to pray about it - constantly, even if you are not a Christian. All the best.

^^^^ Are u ok?? Did anyone say it isnt legal? Or they should be hanged for it?

@mightlove -

I did pass a comment on an aspect of your diet in the missing post. Unfortunately, i dare not repost it under this id, or they might ban this one as well (as i don't know which parts of it they took offense to). If you go to my "Romeo4real" profile, click "last post if this person", you should be able to see it there.

@Tpia -

but more of the embarassment of her friends and maybe boyfriend seeing her mum with a big tummy when their own mums arent the same way.

- we are saying the same thing.

@Radiant -

^^ What a confused poof!

Have our paths crossd before? Because it is ok to disagree with a poster's comment without resorting to insults.

^^^ Tell him girl! Lol!! The "doctor" really doesn't get it, does he??

@mightlove & modath - i replied your posts yesterday, but the spambots suspended my privileges again! I have notified Dominique, and hopefully, they it will be restored soon. In the meantime, i will be posting with this id. Its quite close to the original!

^^^^ Err, she did have a job. The paper says she was a "bread hawker".

A lot of the posters here are quite ignorant of the emotions the OP is going through or feeling; and amazingly, they have not bothered to find out.
At 21 yrs old, you are already a sexual being, so you will have problems viewing either of your parents as being sexual as well.
Most adults would curl up in disgust at the idea of their parents having sex (even though you know it happens)
At 21, you rightly or wrongly, you expect your mum to be a mum, not someone who is having sex. Getting pregnant and having a baby brings home that unavoidable truth - My Mother has been having intimacy! The OP's reaction is absolutely normal, and has nothing do with love for her mother. She is very aware of the ridicule she would get from her peers if she told them.

They say you can look at the mother to tell how your future wife will will develope.

That's not quite true, as this statement assumes they will lead exactly the same kind of lives.

The truth is, even as single women, working out was not that much of a priority for most of the women in question;and if they did, it was not as a lifestyle choice, but something they did because it made them look good at the time, and because it made them more attractive to the opposite sex.
So when marriage and children come along, with its added responsibilities, it becomes a big ask to devote time to something that was never a lifestyle to begin with.
There are also psychological factors at play here. It is well researched that both men and women tend to let themselves go after marriage as there less of a reason to focus on looking physically in shape ( the main reason is to attract the opposite sex). Unfortunately, or fortunately, married women still put a lot of effort, and money into looking goo; its just not of the physical type!

The problem i have is with married women who claim they do not have the time for exercise. They however DO find the time to consume copious amounts of food (a bad diet is 70% of the reason for weight gain), they have time for "owambe" parties, nollywood movies, dinners, hanging out with friends, etc. The plain fact is the time will NOT spontaneously appear; you have to be determined to find it - NO matter how difficult it is.

My main gripe, however, is with the husbands who moan about their wives weight gain. Most do not exercise either, and have put on considerable weight themselves, so its all a bit hypocritical.
My advice is - if you want your wife to lose weight, join a gym yourself. Lead by example, support and encourage her. If that fails, then you have a right to moan.
Remember, this is not really about looking good, but rather about prolonging your life and increasing the quality. High Blood Pressure, Diabetes, Cardiovascular diseases and Cancer are the main killer in our communities. ALL directly related to a bad diet, uncontrolled weight gain and a lack of exercise.

Hello Dominique, they have started again! - https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-282744.768.html
How are u anyway?

Romeo4real

There are some unanswered questions here. You seem to have confirmed that this man is indeed NOT related to your wife, but you have not enlightened us to how this was done. You say "everybody" around you knew that he was not her uncle? Who are these people who knew? Are they friends? Family members? Have you spoken to your your wife's family to find out if the man is a relation? Did "Big Auntie" confirm that her husband is not related to your wife? Can anyone on your wifes family corroborate this? Please get this out of the way first.

If it turns out that "Big Uncle" is indeed NO relation of your wife, then this begs the question - Why would she lie about such a thing? This would give credence to Big Auntie's claims. More importantly though, for your wife to become abusive to you over such a major allegation; for her to not to answer the question about whether these allegations had been thrown around before; for her to try and hide behind the smokescreen of you having an affair with Big Auntie,; for her NOT to attempt to even try and resolve the issue after 2 weeks of quarreling, or offer an alternative explanation; for her to become confrontational after Big Auntie was sent packing, says only one thing - She is as guilty as hell.

Quite clearly, she has absolutely no respect for you. For a woman to bring out the man she is sleeping with, into the open, under the cover of a relative, all in view of her husband, says an awful lot. She has NOT even offered an alternative explanation. She has been abusive and confrontational over the issue.

I suspect you have been neglecting your home. You say you trust your wife, and your "know" she is incapable of such things, yet you also say you are a business man who is away traveling most of the time. This tells me you have not had much time for your wife, so you really cannot claim to know her. Who do you think has been keeping your wife company all those times you weren't there?

Unfortunately, you are not showing any backbone over this issue. Quite clearly, you do not seem to have control in your own home. You confirm you actually "dropped" the issue when she became confrontational. I mean, who drops an issue like that? Confrontation or no confrontation?
You say you "don't want to quarrel" with your wife, despite her having a serious allegation of infidelity against her. You say you do not want your home to "break"- as if that is down to anyone on this forum.

No one can help you here. You need to be a man in your own home. True or not, your wife's reaction has downright disrespectful. Her refusal to offer an explanation is suspicious, and her attitude highly discourteous, irreverent and insolent,
Truth is, you do not want to believe this may be true. And until you are ready to confront it, you will simple push this under the carpet and pretend that it never happened.

@Aladunni -

and me

Are you sure?. Well, here goes!
You are quite an interesting person, dare i say sometimes complicated. People may find you difficult to understand at times, and you may also find the same. You can be quite mischievous, with a naughty streak.  You seem to have a lively personality, and you are well up for a challenge. You can get stuck on something you want to do - though you know clearly well it may have no benefit.

You seem to have a strong personality, and like to be in control. Because of this, you hate showing any weakness. subsequently, you sometimes dont ask for help when you should. You can also be prone to bouts of emotional outbursts -  but you see these outbursts as a loss of control, or a sign of weakness. This makes you angry with yourself, so you tend to deal with them privately.
You can be very caring and loving. You like a man to be a man, and cannot stand weak ineffectual men.

How did i do?

@Ebony -

There is no known biological mechanism by which women(and men) automatically gain weight after a marriage.
Yes, it is widely known that both partners tend to gain weight, women more than men, but this is due to a variety of factors, rather than an automatic biological mechanism brought on by the institution of marriage.

- After marriage, eating habits are shared between spouses, and as men usually eat more than women, women get into the habit of eating as much as their partners. Unfortunately, a man's metabolic rate is much higher than a woman's. Subsequently she gains more weight than he does.

- Married women tend to do more cooking than single women. With more food available, they simply tend to eat more.

- Women become less body conscious after marriage. This relaxation affects eating and exercise habits, with the result being weight gain.

- Married women also have less time for themselves. With a husband and maybe kids, there simply may not be enough time to devote to giving themselves a healthy lifestyle.

As you can see, all the above have one thing in common - less exercise, and more food. Nothing to do with being married.

@Mutter -

A constitution does not contain all laws.

It contains ALL the laws that govern any given society, and which members of that society MUST adhere to.

A customary marriage is just as legal as a registry or sharia marriage in Nigeria and is legally recognized.

Erm, No it isnt. Sharia marriage is recognized within Sharia Law, which is turn recognized under various legislative act in Nigerian Federal Law.

Customary law is recognized by our Constitution

OK, Just to make this clear, The Nigerian Constitution accepts and recognizes the existence, but not the legality of Customary Law. I hope this distinction is clear. As such, Nigeria Federal Laws always supersede, and override Customary Laws in any and all situations and circumstances.

I would encourage you to read the - Marriage Act, Chapter 218 (Laws of the Federation of Nigeria 1990) - [url=http://www.nigeria-law.org/Marriage%20Act.htm] http://www.nigeria-law.org/Marriage%20Act.htm[/url]


@Jenny

A church wedding in this case might be more legal cos I know of people that got divorced and were just married in the church

A church wedding can only be legal if the church premises is licensed to conduct weddings, and/or the officiating minister must also be licensed. This is a requirement under federal/civil laws.

@omomamae -

I eat breakfast around 11:00am and lunch around 5:00pm.I avoid late night food, yet i'm not reducing

Well, you are obviously not eating enough based on the above. This is counterproductive. There is nothing wrong with eating at night (thats been covered many times here). Its the kind of food and the amount that is more important. Make sure to eat 3 meals a day. The fruits can count as part of your meals.

The weight gain started when i got married and i don't have kids yet

Well, i do not know the biological mechanism by which marriage automatically causes weight gain. Seriously though, you need to eat healthy meals in moderate amounts combined with an exercise regime.

I do not exercise except that i stop taking my cars out so as to exercise small.

What exactly does this statement mean? How long is the exercise? What intensity? How many times a week? And what does it consist of?

@Uche13 -

Will a week be okay to at least lose 2kg coupled with minimal exercise

There is certainly no healthy way to lose 2kg within a week with no exercise. You would have to drastically cut your food or water intake - and that is NOT healthy. Also what would happen after the week? Again, with no exercise regime, you will simply put the weight back on.

Once again, is this healthy for an ulcer patient.

With this condition, not eating properly, or in healthy manner would certainly have a negative effect on the ulcer. I would advise you to eat properly - at least 3 meals a day, whilst you are trying to lose this weight.

@Modath -

Thx for answering NonnyP's question. I wouldn't have had a clue where to start from, as i have never bought one myself!

from what you can deduce about me,do i sound like someone who can even lift heavy weight

OK, let me tell you what i can deduce abt u so far. You seem like a no nonsense kind of girl who does not suffer fools gladly. You have no time for whiners, whingers, moaners, and people who generally feel sorry for themselves. You cannot stand people who make excuses about stuff - If you want to do it, then get on with it, if not, then stop talking about it! You are a "get up and go" type of person. Once you make up your mind to do something, you just get on with it. You like, and embrace challenges, and you can sometimes be a bit of a feminist (though not a militant one), or believe in female empowerment.
How did i do?

Romeo,on the pros and cons of daily ab work out what say you??

Nothing wrong with this - if your body can take it, and you are mentally up to it. It may be nice to give ur abs a day off though - from time to time. They wouldn't mind!

@Mutter -

why must there be a specific section of the constitution to recognize customary marriage?

Because a country's constitution contain all the laws and legal acts that governs it's its citizens, and which they must adhere to. A marriage confers specific legal status to its participants, and any children that result within that marriage. If there is no specific legal act that recognizes a marriage union within a country's laws and constitution, how can the union then be said to be legal?

Traditional marriage is a legal and recognized form of marriage.

Again, to clarify, whilst it may be recognized within the culture, it is not recognized within the confines of the law. No participants in a traditional marriage have any recourse or rights within legal law. You cannot get divorced in a court of law if you had a traditional only marriage, neither do you have any rights to financial support or alimony. The Court/ Civil ceremony is the LEGAL form of marriage.

@Fellis -

How did the Physician diagnose Angina? Your post says he prescribed her the drugs since it was what he "suspected". It is crucial that this diagnosis was done using any one,or a combination of confirmed clinical methods such as EKG, Stress tests, Chest X-Rays, Coronary Angiography, Blood Tests, or even a Cardiac Catheterization. If none if these test were done, a diagnosis on Angina cannot be confirmed. Naija doctors are famous for mis-diagnosis of illnesses.

As i already told you (in my missing post), one of the drugs she was prescribed is not for Angina at all, and can be highly toxic. If also has quite serious side effects. You need to get the person to get another diagnosis, and confirm it with at least one of the above tests.

@Modath -

On the exercise front, I'll do as advised but 4 days is not enough for me i need 5 days so I'll do 3 days of resistance,how about that

Seems you prefer resistance exercises to cardio? Thats fine as long as you are consistent with whatever you choose to do. Take care not to go too heavy on the dumbbells as you want to tone your muscles, not build bigger ones. Focus more on higher reps using less weight.

@uche13 -

Ur post must have slipped us by. Peeps here are normally quite good at responding to questions and helping others.
Regarding your question, i have to say there is nothing called "fruit fast". You probably mean a Fruit only diet!
Fruits contain calories, and as such, you are not really fasting if consuming calories. You will not shift any appreciable weight if on a fruit only diet for just a weekend. You need to go on it much longer than that. Also, you need to embark on some type of exercise regime for the weight to come off the right way.

Starving yourself is not the right way to lose weight. Even if on a fruit only diet, eat adequate amounts of fruit to keep your energy levels up. Hope this helps.

@Fellis - posted some info, but again not showing. Check my profile to see it. If you copy and paste it here, maybe it will show under your profile.

Oatmeal is not inherently fattening, but like any other complex carbohydrate, eating too much of it without any form of exercise will lead to excess calories. This excess is what is fattening.
Oatmeal has a low glycemic index (GI) - which means it is not quickly absorbed into the blood stream and the body will uses more calories to digest it. Add this to the high amounts of fiber, vitamin E, zinc, selenium, copper, iron, manganese and magnesium in oatmeal, it is highly nutritious and an excellent source of complex carbohydrates. A cup of oatmeal,approx 80g is equal to 300 calories in the body.

@ Fellis -

This is Romeo with my other ID. I replied your question, in addition to posting some important infor regarding the discussion, but the spambots have grabbed it and suspended my privileges. You should be able to get it on my profile, or just give me ur email add, and i can send to you.

@Dominique -
Dont worry about the old posts, have a much bigger problem. My posting privileges have been suspended for posting on the thread below. Please help me sort it out. Dont know how the spambot works, but something really has to change, and FAST! Maybe we should be given a list of words that the oversensitive spambots do not like, so we can avoid them?

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-515986.32.html#msg6789940

@jodina - It is very easy to achieve a Ketogenic diet. All you have to do is restrict the intakes of any Carbohydrate or Sugars(inc Fruit sugars) to an absolute minimum, or cut out completely. Increase the consumption of Proteins and Fats in the diet to compensate for the loss of calories from the carbs, and to maintain any bodily repair functions.
It is similar to the Atkins diet, but not the same. If you can get hold of an oil called MCT Oil (Medium Chain Triglyceride), then do so. The oil contains medium chain triglycerides that have been shown be more ketogenic than normal dietary fats. If not, then dietary fats will suffice. Fasting(No food, only water), once a while , also helps, so she can try this as well

Another poster mentioned Urinotheraphy - This is basically the consumption and utilisation of your own urine to treat various ailments and illnesses. It may sound disgusting, but it has been shown to work and improve a variety of conditions and ailments. It is based on the notion that the human body contains all it need to repair, regenerate and rejuvenate itself.
Contrary to general belief, Urine is NOT a waste product, but a product of blood filtration through the kidneys. It simply consists of stuff the body has no need for at the time. Consequently it is rich in vitamin, minerals and trace elements. E.g, if you consume a lot of vitamin C in one day, the excess is removed by the kidneys from the blood, and passed into the urine, still in a viable form.

It is recommended you use the first urine of the morning, and take it mid stream, so as to clear out any bacteria that may be in the Urethra. A cup can be sipped throughout the day,or drunk at once. It is better to start with a little at a time to avoid any reaction from gut.
Your Cuz can try this for a month and see what happens. She has nothing to lose.

@sweetdoct247 - Chlorpromazine is drug that has many uses in humans and animals. However, it is mainly used as an antipsychotic in the treatment of mental illnesses like Schizophrenia, Manic Depression and Bipolar Disorder, amongst other things. It works by affecting the pathways of neurotransmitters in the brain - namely Dopamine.
Why your friend would be prescribed this powerful drug to treat what you essentially describe as Chronic Insomnia defeats me. Most people would show signs of neurosis having being denied sleep for 3 days - That is why sleep deprivation is regarded an extremely useful form of torture.

The question is - Why was he prescribed this drug? Was there any diagnosis of mental illness(depression, anxiety, behavioral problems) in addition to the Insomnia? Was there any momentous event that happened around the same time the Insomnia started? Was there any anxiety/stress/ depression around this time? Did his lifestyle change? Is he overweight? Does he suffer from Sleep Apnea or Narcolepsy? Are there any stimulants in his diet - Caffeine/Sugar/Kola etc? - All these issues could precipitate insomnia.

I would not advise him stopping the drug immediately, as i dont know why it was prescribed. If he chooses to come off it, he should do so by reducing the dosage gradually, and there are some very effective natural supplements that can combat Insomnia.

Lavender - You c an get this in Oil form. A few drops on the pillow at night will help him relax.
Valerian - This is a herb and a well known remedy for Insomnia. You can buy in it tablet/capsule form, and taken 1hr before bedtime. Do NOT use with any other other medication, sedative or alcohol.
Melatonin - This is actually a hormone made in the body at night, from Serotonin (a neurotransmitter). It can be taken 30 mins before bedtime
Magnesium - This is a natural sedative and helps relaxation. You can buy as a supplement (250mg). Take 2tabs/day. It is also found in seed, spinach, wheat bran, almonds, cashews and yeast.
Diet - Remove any stimulants form the diet (Coke, Sugary drinks, Caffeine, Alcohol and any Smoking substances)

I find it really difficult to eat now, I have very little appetite and immediately feel full when I start eating, I will increase my carb intake

@Carpe Diem - Glad to be of help. Appetite should not be the measure of eating times and habits. It is erratic and inconsistent. It will make u eat more when ur hungry, and not skip meals when ur not.
It is best to see eating for what it is - A means to an end. The purpose of eating is to supply ur body with nutrients. This has to be done in a consistent way, with the right foods, in the right quantities, at the right times.
Though its difficult, you need to eat at consistent times in the day, irrespective of hunger. Set the times, and keep to it.

Contains Natural Sweeteners Sucrolose , Dextrose

All seems fine with the exception of Sucralose. It is actually an artificial sweetener created by chlorinating sucrose. It has zero calories, as its supposed to pass through the body undigested, but studies have shown that some Sucralose is indeed metabolized in the lower intestine. This can cause a lot of gastrointestinal problems (bloating, gas, diarrhea,) for some people. Even more worrying, it has been linked to more serious health issues - Thymus gland shrinkage, liver and kidneys problems, reduce blood cell count, pregnancy extensions/abortions, etc.
I suffered from bad gastro issues when i used a protein shake with Sucralose, so i avoid it like the plague. The symptoms also seem to last for weeks, even when you stop using it.

I really don't want to give up running.

You dont have to, if u enjoy it that much. The specialist shoes are definitely a must, and its good you have them. Avoid hard surfaces at all costs. Skipping is also excellent, as long as its done long enough. You can mix the skipping and running on different days.

I have some Taebo high intensity DVD's I could use for cardio, I just find them boring.

I can imagine it'll be boring doing this at home, but TaeBo is an very good way to lose weight, and its more fun when done in a class. I practise Muay Thai, from which TaeBo is derived. If you have the time, i will definitely advise you to look for a gym offering Muay Thai, or some form of Kick Boxing. I really cannot over estimate how good this is for losing weight and keeping fit. You use all ur muscles simultaneously whilst increasing ur aerobic capacity.

what are your thought son increasing my dumbbells to 5kg? I've been using the 3kg because I keep hearing that if my weights are too heavy it will make me muscular, is that true?

If ur feeling strong, then increase the weight. As long as u are not doing below 15 reps. Weights are simply a tool that you can use to sculpt the body you want. Yes they can make u muscly, but they can also make you lean, toned, lose fat and be generally fit. It all depends on how they are used, and how much you lift. I can assure you, it takes a lot more than 5kg to build heavy muscles.

I find it really difficult to eat now, I have very little appetite and immediately feel full when I start eating, I will increase my carb intake

@Carpe Diem - Glad to be of help. Appetite should not be the measure of eating times and habits. It is erratic and inconsistent. It will make u eat more when ur hungry, and not skip meals when ur not.
It is best to see eating for what it is - A means to an end. The purpose of eating is to supply ur body with nutrients. This has to be done in a consistent way, with the right foods, in the right quantities, at the right times.
Though its difficult, you need to eat at consist times in the day, irrespective of hunger. Set the times, and keep to it.

Contains Natural Sweeteners Sucrolose , Dextrose

All seems fine with the exception of Sucralose. It is actually an artificial sweetener created by chlorinating sucrose. It has zero calories, as its supposed to pass through the body undigested, but studies have shown that some Sucralose is indeed metabolized in the lower intestine. This can cause a lot of gastrointestinal problems (bloating, gas, diarrhea,) for some people. Even more worrying, it has been linked to more serious health issues - Thymus gland shrinkage, liver and kidneys problems, reduce blood cell count, pregnancy extensions/abortions, etc.
I suffered from bad gastro issues when i used a protein shake with Sucralose, so i avoid it like the plague. The symptoms also seem to last for weeks, even when you stop using it.

I really don't want to give up running.

You dont have to, if u enjoy it that much. The specialist shoes are definitely a must, and its good you have them. Avoid hard surfaces at all costs. Skipping is also excellent, as long as its done long enough. You can mix the skipping and running on different days.

I have some Taebo high intensity DVD's I could use for cardio, I just find them boring.

I can imagine it'll be boring doing this at home, but TaeBo is an very good way to lose weight, and its more fun when done in a class. I practise Muay Thai, from which TaeBo is derived. If you have the time, i will definitely advise you to look for a gym offering Muay Thai, or some form of Kick Boxing. I really cannot over estimate how good this is for losing weight and keeping fit. You use all ur muscles simultaneously whilst increasing ur aerobic capacity.

what are your thought son increasing my dumbbells to 5kg? I've been using the 3kg because I keep hearing that if my weights are too heavy it will make me muscular, is that true?

If ur feeling strong, then increase the weight. As long as u are not doing below 15 reps. Weights are simply a tool that you can use to sculpt the body you want. Yes they can make u muscly, but they can also make you lean, toned, lose fat and be generally fit. It all depends on how they are used, and how much you lift. I can assure you, it takes a lot more than 5kg to build heavy muscles.

Direct me to those posts where Abuzola's questions were intelligently, reasonably and rationally answered. Be sincere. Thanks

Where have you seen "Abuzolas" name in any of these posts on this particular topic? Unless Abuzola and Tpaine are the same person, you my be on the wrong post.