@Op; to love someone is a beautiful thing. When one is in a relationship that they think would lead to marriage, there are certain factors you need to consider before taking the “I DO” step. The factors are; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship. From your write-up, I don't seem to sense the abundance of the factors I have mentioned in this your relationship. Money seems to be a major factor causing a lot of fracas for both of you and not knowing how to split who buys what and how much should be contributed by either of you.

During courtship is a time to decide whether you can tolerate your partners' attitude or not. If you know that you can’t endure a particular attitude(s) during courtship, then address it there and then as it has a tendency to probably get worse when you marry. You have complained in your write-up about a lot of things and I don't envisage them changing (I may be right or wrong) as quickly as you may want them to change or even at all.

Now let me give you some quotes below to ponder over when you are at the courtship stage of a relationship; here we go;

When a relationship becomes one you are enduring; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a violet one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a selfish one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship makes you unhappy; it’s time to walk away

When you become afraid of your partner in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

When in a relationship and the apologies comes from only one side; it’s time to walk away

When you walk on egg-shells in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

Note my words above and be sure to be married to someone who you see as one you can spend the rest of your life with in happiness, love and unity. We are not perfect but we can still make adjustments in our attitude(s) towards ourselves.

It would be in your best interest to TO AVOID PROLONGING THIS MATTER ANY LONGER as you are a woman whose biological clock is ticking and if you honestly would not be able to look beyond the “PROBLEM AREAS” you have outlined (there were a lot of them) in your write-up; PLEASE FREE HIM AND FREE YOURSELF AS YOU ARE CURRENTLY HAVING THESE NAGGING DOUBTS/ISSUE(S) THAT YOU CAN’T OVERLOOK.

Take note,

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them or you to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond and best believe challenges would arise (in your case, you are not even married yet and all these negative vibes are already present in your courtship) but the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

On a final note, the decision is yours entirely whether to carry on with him or let him be as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches; hence, no one else can decide for you whether you’ll carry on with the courtship or call it quits. Owing to the fact that you are not happy with all the flaws you have listed in your write-up, you're better off taking your time to find the right man at the initial stage to avoid stories that touch that will make you cry over spilled milk (with the saying had I known) if it all goes down south. All the best.

I rest my case

PS: I really can't understand why you are living with a man you are not yet married to? Have some self-respect for yourself and move out to your own place. Take this as a learning curve that you start living with a man ONLY when you are married to him.

@Op; I really feel your pain and a big hug to you. It must be very hard for you and its sad THAT YOUR HUSBAND COULD NOT KEEP TO HIS MARITAL VOWS.

Permit me to say if this were to be you who went outside to have a child for another man; the question is would your husband have accepted this child and allowed you to use the joint account funds to look after the child? Ask him this question and hear his response.

Firstly, your husband SHOULD GO AND DO A DNA TEST TO CONFIRM THAT THE CHILD IS HIS BEFORE HE STARTS ANYTHING.

Secondly, why should he saddle the financial responsibility of the upkeep of the child with you? If you are willing to contribute to the financial care of the child then you can do so out of your willing heart as against your husband trying to impose the financial responsibility to be shared by both of you simply because you both have a joint account together.

Thirdly, this is where you need to reconsider the joint account you have with your husband as if he is taking financial responsibility of the child, he should NOT impose this financial burden on you as it should be from your willing heart if you want to contribute and not because of it being imposed on you by him.

Fourthly, if confirmed that your husband is the father of the child, you need some sort of arrangement as to how the babymama would have access to your husband and SHE SHOULD NOT BE PERMITTED TO DO AS SHE PLEASES. From the look of what you have narrated about her, SHE LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE A TROUBLE MAKER and would stop at nothing to cause friction between you and your husband. You need to be prepared for this as she will rub her giving birth in your face and may try to assume the role of a new wife to your husband.

Fifthly, it is not up to your husband but up to you to decide if you want to be involved in the life of the child and NO ONE SHOULD FORCE YOU TO DO IT. If you are willing to be involved, that is fine; but if you don’t want to be involved, you would have to decide what you will do going forward.

Sixthly, as you have decided to stay in your marriage, you need to be prepared for the challenges ahead as it is a delicate situation and the issues that will occur from this situation is not as simple as ABC. Therefore, how you will handle the situation that will arise from your husband and his babymama is something that needs wisdom to be applied as you will need it going forward.

Finally, you need to give yourself time to heal from this BETRAYAL THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAS DONE TO YOU as your husband not only committed adultery but also fathered a child along the way. No one can decide for you on how to handle this situation as only you wears the shoes and only you knows where it pinches but stay strong as you decide. All the best.


I rest my case

@Op; what I'm going to say, might sound a bit harsh but IT’S CALLED TOUGH LOVE; so bear with me; here we go. There must be something seriously wrong with you (No offense and hope no taken) as I really don’t know why you think that you can play with fire and not get burnt. You really think that this is a game right? First things first; TRY AND SEVER THIS SUDDEN CLOSE BOND YOU HAVE DEVELOPED WITH THIS YOUR EX. You know why; YOU ARE NOW A MARRIED WOMAN AND YOUR CLOSENESS SHOULD BE WITH HER HUSBAND AND NOT WITH ANY OTHER MAN. YOU TOOK A MARITAL VOW; LEARN TO KEEP YOUR MARITAL WOWS AS THEY WERE NOT TAKEN FOR THE FUN OF IT.

I can’t understand why men/women can’t let go of their EX’s especially when they’re now married to different people. Don’t men/women realise that if they were that good then they’ll have been married to their EX's and not someone else?

You have been married for 11 years what we call double digits and you are allowing yourself to get into a situation that you're now unable to handle effectively; hence your bringing it to NL. Your actions knowingly or unknowingly may lead to a wrong cause as you don’t seem to want to follow the advice of your husband to stop communicating with your EX. Your husband has warned you to stay away from your EX and stop communicating with him but you are determined to undermine your husband right? Trust me; it won’t end well. You even have the nerve to say you didn’t delete your chat with your EX. Goodness me, THE EFFRONTERY AND GUTS you have.

If this was your husband, and you find out that he is keeping a close friendship with another woman and that woman is not you, how would you feel? Would you like it? The saying do unto others what you want done to you comes to mind.

A married person just don’t wake up one morning and commits adultery, it all starts from somewhere which can be the “Hi I will like to be friends with you” and because a lot of people lack self-control, they engage in acts contrary to the marital vows they have taken. You have put yourself in a situation now where your husband is beginning to doubt you as you remain defiant and continue to refuse to stop communicating with your EX. I don’t understand why you are being this defiant and stubborn in your attitude. To the extent that you are now asking NLanders on what to do; and what to do is as simple as ABC; STOP COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR EX. HOW DIFFICULT IS THAT?

You better don’t let your husband begin to DOUBT what you say; neither let him begin harbouring TRUST ISSUES with you all because you couldn’t put an end to this rigmarole scenario you are getting yourself into albeit the seriousness of the relationship you are allowing to foster and develop with this your EX.

The way you are going, your husband will soon label you a cheat as it’s not only when you catch someone red-handed before you term it cheating. Emotionally, you are getting to a stage of cheating as you seem to enjoy having chats and getting the attention of this your EX. It’s imperative for one to learn to stay away from things that don’t belong to you i.e your EX as you are now a married woman to someone else.

Finally, DON’T BE THE ONE TO USE YOUR HAND TO BREAK YOUR UNION WITH YOUR STUBBORNNESS AND INABILITY TO CUT ALL COMMUNICATION WITH THIS YOUR SO CALLED EX AS REQUIRED BY YOUR HUSBAND. YOUR HUSBAND HAS A RIGHT TO TELL YOU TO STOP ALL CONTACTS WITH YOUR EX AS YOU ARE NOW HIS WIFE. YOU BETTER EXAMINE YOURSELF AND ASK WHY YOU ARE FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO SAY NO TO THE TEMPTATION THAT IS PLACED IN FRONT OF YOU. You can easily stop communicating with your EX if you want to (you are not chained to your EX) as the scenario is becoming unhealthy; but it’s obvious from your write-up that you are enjoying the flirtatious attention your EX is giving you. YOU BETTER RESPECT YOURSELF AND YOUR HUSBAND AND DON'T COME BACK HERE TO SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED AS YOUR EYES WILL SOON CLEAR WHEN THIS YOUR SO CALLED CHILDHOOD FRIEND AKA YOUR EX GETS YOU INTO SERIOUS TROUBLE WITH YOUR HUSBAND.

I rest my case

@Op; would you calm down for a minute? You forget that you are married to a man from a different culture from yours. Hence, there would be cultural differences and how you view some things in your culture would be viewed differently in your husband’s culture and this is something you need to take to the bank and never forget.

Permit me asking this question, how would you feel if someone constantly criticizes you? Your constant annoyance and criticism at your husband was not hard to spot and not to forget that you are becoming a constant nag; as it’s obvious from your write-up;(no offense, hope none taken).

You talk as if you yourself are Mrs 100% perfect and have no flaws. Listen up gurl, I'm sure your husband is putting up with your fault/flaws without blowing your trumpet as loud as you’re blowing his. If your husband were to make a list of your short-comings, it’ll be as long as my arm but yet, he manages yours and probably don’t complain so much as you’re whining about his. I can just imagine the agony and pains your husband is going through as you constantly irritate him with your contentious and nagging ways.

Now, let’s get down to business shall we;

Regarding the cheating aspect
There must have been some tiny signs during your courtship days; but you probably ignored them thinking he will change or better still you will change him. A cheat, changes by themselves and not because someone else is forcing them to change.

To state clearly, what your husband is doing is disgusting to say the least especially since you've been married for a few years with children. The question is what again does your husband want? Is he bored/tired of you? Does he now resent you this much? You need to find out the answers to these questions. On the other hand, if he's tired of the marriage, he might as well let you know; at least then you know where you stand; rather than him mis-behaving in this way.

Your husband isn’t showing any remorse for his actions as you have ascertained that he hides his cheating ways from you. It appears he’s justifying himself with the analogy of “Men are polygamous in nature therefore they will cheat”(A senseless analogy at that). One thing to note here is that a man/woman cheats only because they want to and not because they have to. There is something called SELF-CONTROL AND RESPECT FOR ONES SPOUSE; and if you resolve in your heart that you would not cheat on your spouse no matter what; then you certainly would not and this analogy applies to both men and women.

The environment that one is in, sometimes may make it hard for one to walk away and you have clarified that when you mentioned some of the antics your husbands’ friends get up to. Having said that, that does not mean that one cannot avoid the temptation to cheat. It is simply a silly excuse to say I want to explore out of the marital bond as “The marriage bed should be without defilement”.

In all, there are 3 options here;

1) You leave him and let him carry on with his philandering ways and have a less stressful life along with peace of mind;
2) You stay with him and continue to confront him as he continuously cheats on you again and again; or
3) You stay in the marriage and develop a thick skin and ignore him until he is tired and then he’ll come back to his senses and stop his philandering ways himself.

On option 3, hopefully he would not have given you an STD by the time he comes back to his senses. From a medical point of view, I'll advice you to go for an STD test IMMEDIATELY and check to make sure that you have not been infected with any disease(s) as HIV/AIDS ARE REAL AND IT IS NOT WRITTEN ON ANYONE'S FOREHEAD; NOTE THAT IN SOME INSTANCES, IT ONLY TAKES A SINGLE ENCOUNTER TO BECOME INFECTED. I'll advice that your husband should go for a medical check as well.

Now listen up gurl; if you kill yourself because of a philandering husband; I PITY YOU; as I will only give your husband 3 months max; and there would be another Mrs somebody by his side. And if I may ask you this question, what makes you think that the new wife would look after your kids the way you look after them currently now if you kill yourself?

Be careful with toiling the part of cheating with another man; as if your husband finds out YOU MIGHT NOT REMAIN IN YOUR MARITAL HOME. Remove that analogy from your mind that after all he cheated on me as well and I forgave him therefore he should forgive me too. Well; I am sorry to burst the bubble; as statistics has shown that a wife is willing to forgive a philandering husband than it is for a husband to forgive a philandering wife; go figure that out.

The choice is totally yours; you are the one wearing the shoes and only you know how it pinches. No one else can tell you if to leave or stay DUE TO YOUR HUSBANDS’ CHEATING ANTICS.

Regarding non acceptance of his family
It's only a selfish woman that when married, would want her husband to herself only and not allow him to associate with his family members going forward. Whether you like it or not, when you marry an African man, you also marry his family too (you said you are of African origin, hence it shouldn't have been new to you) and it might sound strange, but that is reality 101.

It’s not in your place to decide how the love your husband shows to his mum/dad, sisters/brothers should be split. As long as he is showing you love, then don't interfere in how he shows love to his external family. If your husband were to treat your own external family members with disdain and dislike the way you treat his; I’m sure you wouldn’t like it and neither would you be happy.

So far, you’ve described your in-laws only in the negative way/assertion; WHY? Is it because there is nothing positive to say about your husbands’ family? I’m a bit taken aback as this is the family you are married into and I don’t believe that there is nothing positive that you can pick up about them.

You have forgotten that you were not in the picture when your husband and his family were growing up; hence, he has built a strong bond with his family before your arrival. Yours is becoming a case where you are now uncomfortable seeing your husband’s family members in your home and believe me, you will not win this game you are playing.

In some cases, women like you would’ve their own family members free to come and go as they please in your marital home; but your husband’s family members would be placed on WRITE ME A LETTER TO TELL ME YOU ARE COMING; and if/when the letter is received, YOU WOULD ONLY BE ALLOWED TO SPEND 1 DAY OR EVEN LESS. Sounds funny right; but that’s the stage you’re currently allowing it to get to and that's not pleasant. At this rate, he's going to detest you if you don't try and draw his family members to yourself. LEARN TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR HUSBAND'S FAMILY WITHOUT GRUMBLING JUST AS YOU WOULD ACCOMMODATE YOURS and see how your husband would appreciate you.

As it seems your IN-LAWS visit often; maybe because they reside close to you. No one is asking you to be 5 and 6 with your IN-LAWS as that is not possible and you know why, you were not born in their family and neither did you grow up with them. The only thing asked from you is to get along with your IN-LAWS that's not too much to ask from all perspective.

Regarding the land issue
I am not in support that he didn’t mention it to you before making such a huge financial investment. In my opinion, that was totally wrong. But he has done it now then what? Are you going to keep moaning and moaning about the decision? You will only make your BP rise and believe me you don’t want to be treating HBP at this your tender age. It’s not worth the stress. A lot of people abroad would welcome the idea of having a landed property in their original home country and your husband is not an exception. No one knows tomorrow and to have a backup plan in your home country is not a bad idea as you are currently making it out to be. On a serious note, be sure that your name and children's name are included in the deeds. That said, let this acrimonious annoyance go and work on how you can support him with the plan of building on the landed property that has already been purchased as there is nothing you can do about it now. If you continue to make the betrayal eat you up, you will only have yourself to blame as it currently stands, your husband don’t give a damn how it has hurt your feelings about this investment he has made behind your back. MOVE ON FROM THIS BETRAYAL AND THINK ABOUT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.

Regarding your husbands’ priorities
Well as you mentioned, he prioritises his enjoyment with his friends as well as other different activities first before you and the kids. This sign must have been there before you married him that he is someone who would put you at the back burner and prioritise others ahead of you but you choose to ignore it thinking that when he marries you he would stop all that. But viola, you have seen that it has not happened. Don’t get me wrong as I’m not saying that what he is doing is right nor okay but that is the kind of man he is and he would change ONLY if he wants to and you can nag from now until the roof begins to leak, it wouldn’t change him nor make any difference to him. You have to work your way around that and hope for the best that he would one day see that he has wrong you in that area and realise that he should have been putting your interest and the kids first over others.

Regarding sharing duties with you
You should have known the kind of man he is during your dating days that he is not the domestically sharing of house hold duties kind of man. You married a traditional man who believes that the woman should have the sole responsibility of domestic duties in the home-front and it shouldn’t be part of his role. It seems he is the only boy and his sisters must have done all household duties when he was growing up and exempted him from lifting a finger to do chores in the home. Trying to make him do them now as a grown adult would be hard. Of course I believe that a man should be more than happy and willing to help his wife and kids at home with domestic chores. He doesn’t seem to be one who has that school of thought and your constantly nagging him and wanting him to help you would only end up in constant quarrels and to add to that, you would age faster; is that what you want?

Regarding his financial resources in the home front
You have mentioned that he takes care of the major and big bills in the home front and that is at least commendable. What would it have been like if he failed in that aspect? I am sure you would nag even louder than how you currently nag. Be grateful and show some thankfulness in that area of his proving for the family. It’s also good that you have some form of income coming in for you at least that would reduce the financial burden on your husband. Be sure to have a saving plan to fall back to for any reason in case it’s required.

Lastly, at this moment in time, the most important situation here is for you to stick around to care for your kids whether you decide to stay with your husband or not. Also both of you should go for counselling from someone who is neutral. BE WISE AS YOU SEEK GUIDANCE ON A WAY FORWARD TO HANDLING THE MARITAL ISSUE(S) YOU ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING. All the best


I rest my case

@Rubbiish, DeeMain, trendyprettygir, I am surprised myself on what is stopping DPRmoniker from talking to his daughter and setting boundaries about this close bond they share before he sends her away? I’m lost for words and trying to understand why.

@OP; I really don’t understand why you are not comfortable talking to your daughter about this closeness you both share to have boundaries before you send her away to start her life. Your wife has been trying from your write-up; but your daughter doesn’t seem to want to take heed to what her mother is rightfully pointing out to her.

The example of the towel incident is really shocking; I mean common mate; she’s 18 and at that age one should expect her to be conscious of not exposing herself in that manner irrespective of whether she's in front of her family members or not. SHE SHOULD LEARN TO BE APPROPRIATELY DRESSED AND SITED PROPERLY WHEN SHE IS IN AND OUT OF THE HOME. It’s apparent that when that incident happened, you didn’t DO MUCH (I may be right or wrong); but rather your wife did and your daughter probably didn’t take kindly to the correction; as your daughter thinks she did nothing wrong.

You and your wife have to work as a team otherwise if it’s only your wife trying to teach your daughter for her to limit this closeness with you, your daughter is going to form and enemy bond with her mother. So you and wife have to speak in one voice when you set these boundaries.
You are saying that you can never have the feelings of molesting your daughter which IS VERY GOOD and I commend and applaud you for that; but if you hear the stories of fathers who have molested their daughters, it didn’t just happen just like that it started from somewhere; which can include having a close bond without setting boundaries which eventually led into a wrong act being committed. Hence be cautious that it NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU (excuse my emphasis) as you are a man and she is a woman.

YOU NEED TO SET BOUNDARIES (repeating this again) as this has already been pointed out to you by other posters on this issue. That you stayed with her since she was very young which translated into this close bond happening is just an excuse you making for not wanting to set boundaries and that should be curbed. In situations like this you need to be firm but fair so it doesn’t turn out that your daughter begins to sense that you want to push her away.

I know a lady who had this same extreme closeness to her father and when she got married it still carried on and this made her husband confused and uncomfortable about it. Along the line, as a result of this issue and others, the marriage ended. So please talk to your daughter so that this doesn’t impact on her marital life when the time comes for her to settle down as not all men can overlook their wife having an extreme close bond with her father.

Also she’s young at 18 and not sure why you now want her to get into a relationship because you subconsciously think that it will limit the bond you both share, oh please; sorry to burst your bubble; but that ain't gonna happen; as it may not limit the bond as you envisage it to. Dude, don’t push her into a relationship at that age (as she needs to develop herself first ) due to your not forth-coming to talking to your daughter ABOUT SETTING BOUNDARIES TO THE CLOSENESS YOU BOTH SHARE. Please and please, try and sort this out before you and her travel out so as to avoid any problem arising between you, your wife and your other children.

I rest my case

@OP; Listen mate, things like this happen when you allow your wife to see you finish; asin she don see you finish. I can’t understand when men/women can’t let go of their EX especially when they’re now married to different people. Don’t men/women realise that if they were that good then they’ll have been married to their EX and not someone else?

This mostly happens when a woman has no respect for her man/husband. If a man/woman has utmost respect for themselves, then he/she has no business being in close contact with his/her EXs. From this angle, you’re a bit too soft; no offence and hope none taken; wake up and smell the coffee to the advertised drama that your wife is performing with her EXs and PUT AN END TO IT.

Your wife is killing you slowly without you even knowing by this her stubborn refusal to stop communicating with her EXs. She seems to have forgotten that she’s no longer a girlfriend to any of her EXs but rather a wife to someone else and that someone else is YOU. REMIND YOUR WIFE THAT IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR HER TO KEEP IN CONSTANT COMMUNICATION WITH ANY OF HER EXs.

It’s obvious; you’re not in control of your home otherwise your wife wouldn’t have the audacity or even the liver to keep in constant contact with any EX. I am not saying that you should be a tyrant/bully neither should you be a walk-over/weakling. Rather, YOU NEED TO BE FIRM WHEN YOU SAY CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD NOT TOLERATE IN YOUR HOUSE SUCH AS YOUR WIFE KEEPING CLOSE LINKS WITH HER EX/OTHER MEN AND THE SAME RULE SHOULD APPLY TO YOU AS WELL REGARDING YOUR EX/OTHER WOMEN.

You have to sit-up and tackle this head-on and if she wants to stay with you, then you give her the option again (I’m sure you must have done that already) to cut off all ties with her EXs as she rather seems to be emotionally attached to them which makes her have continuous contact and chats with her EXs. If she’s not willing to do that, then you simply tell her THE CONSEQUENCES OF WHAT HER REFUSAL WOULD LEAD TO. The choice is hers; and BE FIRM when you tell her that. From your write-up, it seems you have spoken to her severally times without any change; hence, you’ve now been boxed into a corner and you now need to address this problem as a matter of urgency i.e TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS.

Let me digress a bit and ask if the case was the reverse (I hope you ain’t involved in this) i.e you were the one keeping in contact with your EX/other female friends' and also doing what she is doing with them; I can guarantee that she would raise the house down; fight with you, quarrel with you, nag you as well etc. The saying; DO ON TO OTHERS WHAT YOU WANT DONE TO YOU comes to mind.

Unfortunately, your wife has lost all form of self-respect for herself as a MARRIED WOMAN WHO HAS NO SHAME IN CARRYING ON CONTACTING HER EXs. This may be due to your neglecting her; maybe/may be not who knows? Dude, wake up to the reality that HIV and AIDS ain’t written on anyone’s forehead and it only takes a single encounter to become infected as your wife seems to have graduated from only communicating with her EXs on phone but also now planning a visit; I laugh in Japanese. Be warned and be wise.

I rest my case

@OP; when a man finds a good wife; it’s like he’s found a precious pearl or better still a precious diamond.

I tell you a little story. I know of a woman who is about 10 years older than her husband and guess what; they have been married for more than 30 something years and still counting and she doesn’t even look older than her husband. They have children as well and all their children are now married. Her husband saw a woman whom he could spend the rest of his life with and he did not let the age gap nor culture which may frown at the age difference hinder him from marrying her.


I know in some cultures, it’ll be hard especially since the logic is usually for the man to be older than the woman. But sometimes when you follow this logic, and end up with a younger woman, she might be one that would deal with you mercilessly through her character.

These factors below should guide you in deciding if you would marry a woman and not necessarily because she is either younger, older or your age mate;

Is she caring?
Is she decent?
Is she hardworking?
Is she supportive?
Is she respectful?
Is she a homely person whom you know can comfortable look after you, the child/ren you would bear as well as the home-front?
Are you both compatible?
Does she love you?
Do you see her as a lady who wouldn't nag?
Do you have a similar outlook in life?

Now taking your points individually;

1. There is some element of truth in your statement but not 100% as there are many women that married in their early/ mid-twenties and they are/were unable to bear children. For some, they had to wait into their late 30’s/40’s even though they married in their twenties before they could bear children. What would you say about that? It just shows you never know what can happen; hence, you CAN’T AND SHOULDN’T CONCLUDE that women mostly have child bearing problems from their 30’s onward. A TOTALLY WRONG ASSERTION/MINDSET TO HAVE.

2. Again, your statement has some elements of truth but not 100% as some women might not look their age as they grow older due to different factors; genetics being one of them, having a good diet being another factor etc. With advancement in technology, health treatments and having a good health routine, a lot of women now age gracefully; hence, you might not need to worry too much about her looking older than you in 15 years’ time.

3. One more time, some elements of truth in your statement but not 100% as long as she knows not to use the age gap to disrespect you and you in return not to use that as an obstacle to chastise or castigate her; then I don’t see why you should limit yourself to only younger women and not date your age mate simply because the society at large might frown at the age difference.

Lastly, the decision is yours entirely whether to marry your age-mate or a younger woman and no one else should make that decision for you. You will be the one to live with her when you marry her; hence be careful not to focus on the influence of others.


I rest my case

PS: You made mention of a close person to you who has had 2 failed marriages given you advise. No disrespect, but I am trying to understand why he didn’t take his own advice and save the second marriage at least he should have learnt from what ended his first marriage and not allow his second marriage to end as well. (No offense and hope non taken).

@Op; to state clearly, there’re no 2 ways to this, your wife is certainly cheating on you. It’s not only when you catch someone red-handed before you term it cheating. Emotionally, she certainly is cheating on you and what she’s doing with her EX is disgusting to say the least especially since you've been married for a few years with kids. The question is what again does your wife want? Is she bored/tired of you? Does she now resent you that much? You need to find out the answers to these questions. On the other hand, if she's tired of the marriage, she might as well let you know; at least then you know where you stand; rather than her mis-behaving this way.

This mostly happens when a woman has no respect for her man/husband. If a man/woman has utmost respect for themselves, then he/she has no business being in close contact with his/he EX. You’re a bit too soft; no offence and hope non taken; wake up and smell the coffee to the advertised drama that your wife is performing with her EX and PUT AN END TO IT. Your wife is killing you slowly without you even knowing by this her stubborn refusal to stop communicating with her ex. She seems to have forgotten that she’s no longer a girlfriend to her ex but rather a wife to someone else and that someone else is YOU and maybe she needs to be reminded of that fact.

It’s obvious; you’re not in control of your home otherwise your wife wouldn’t have the audacity or even the liver to keep in constant contact with her EX. I am not saying that you should be a tyrant/bully neither should you be a walk-over/weakling. Rather, YOU NEED TO BE FIRM WHEN YOU SAY CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD NOT TOLERATE IN YOUR HOUSE SUCH AS YOUR WIFE KEEPING CLOSE LINKS WITH HER EX/OTHER MEN AND THE SAME RULE SHOULD APPLY TO YOU AS WELL REGARDING YOUR EX/OTHER WOMEN.

You have to sit-up and tackle this head-on and if she wants to stay with you, then you give her the option to cut off all ties with her EX as she’s emotionally attached to her EX which makes her have continuous contact and chats with him. If she’s not willing to do that, then you simply tell her THE CONSEQUENCES OF WHAT HER REFUSAL WOULD LEAD TO. The choice is hers; and BE FIRM when you tell her that. From your write-up, you have spoken to her severally times without any change; hence, you’ve now been boxed into a corner and you now need to address this problem as a matter of urgency i.e TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS.

Let me digress a bit and ask if the case was the reverse (I hope you ain’t involved in this) i.e you were the one keeping in contact with your EX/other female friends' and also doing what she is doing with them; I can guarantee that she would raise the house down; fight with you, quarrel with you, nag you as well etc. The saying; DO ON TO OTHERS WHAT YOU WANT DONE TO YOU comes to mind.

Unfortunately, your wife has lost all form of self-respect for herself as a MARRIED WOMAN WHO HAS NO SHAME IN CARRYING ON HER EMOTIONAL EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIR WITH HER EX. This maybe due to your neglecting her; maybe/may be not who knows? Dude, wake up to the reality that HIV and AIDS ain’t written on anyone’s forehead and it only takes a single encounter to become infected. Be warned and be wise.

I rest my case

PS: I don't mean to alarm you but I'll strongly advise you to do a DNA test on all your kids (your wife is not to be trusted) as a result of the close bond that still exist between your wife and her EX after all your years of marriage (its baffling); is a bit suspicious (just a thought) and you have to be sure that the kids are yours and not for your wife's EX.

@Op; to love some one is a beautiful thing. When one is in a relationship that they think would lead to marriage, there are certain factors you need to consider before taking the “I DO” step. The factors are; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship.

During courtship is a time to decide whether you can tolerate your partners' attitude or not. If you know that you can’t endure a particular attitude during courtship, then address it there and then as it has a tendency to probably get worse when you marry.

Now let me give you some quotes below to ponder over; here we go;

When a relationship becomes one you are enduring; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a violet one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a selfish one;it’s time to walk away

When a relationship makes you unhappy; it’s time to walk away

When you become afraid of your partner in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

When in a relationship and the apologies comes from only one side; it’s time to walk away

When you walk on egg-shells in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

Note my words above and be sure to be married to someone who you see as one you can spend the rest of your life with in happiness, love and unity. We are not perfect but we can still make adjustments in our attitude towards our fellow human.

It would be in your best interest to TO AVOID PROLONGING THIS MATTER ANY LONGER as she's a woman whose biological clock is ticking and if you honestly would not be able to look beyond the “PROBLEM AREA” you mentioned above; PLEASE FREE HER AND FREE YOURSELF. Don’t have a selfish attitude (No offence hope none taken) where you want to have your cake and eat it by keeping her and STILL HAVING THESE NAGGING DOUBT/ISSUE THAT YOU CAN’T OVERLOOK.

Take note,

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them or you to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

On a final note, the decision is yours entirely whether to carry on with her or let her be as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches; hence, no one else can decide for you whether you’ll carry on with the courtship or call it quits. It'll be totally out of a selfish interest to allow her to chase other men away (one man’s meat is another man’s poison) with her knowledge that she has met her husband; meanwhile her man is in doubt if he has met his wife; as that’s the way it looks at the moment from your write-up. Owing to the fact that you are not happy with this particular flaw of her not apologizing when she's in the wrong; (anyone who can't apologies when they are in the wrong has an inflated ego of themselves which portrays them as selfish) you're better off taking your time to find the right woman at the initial stage to avoid stories that touch and you crying over spilled milk when it all goes down south. All the best.

I rest my case

@Op; sorry about your predicament. For the record, there’s absolutely nothing wrong in checking your spouse’s phone which acts in itself as a check-mate; but when that occurs, trust has just gone down the drain. To state clearly, there’re no 2 ways to this, your wife is certainly cheating on you. It’s not only when you catch someone red-handed before you term it cheating. Emotionally, she certainly is cheating on you and what she’s doing is disgusting to say the least especially since you've been married for a few years with kid/s. The question is what again does your wife want? Is she bored/tired of you? Does she now resent you that much? You need to find out the answers to these questions. On the other hand, if she's tired of the marriage, she might as well let you know; at least then you know where you stand; rather than her mis-behaving this way.

Unfortunately, your wife has lost all form of self-respect for herself as a MARRIED WOMAN WHO HAS NO SHAME IN CARRYING ON HER EMOTIONAL EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIRS. This may be due to your neglecting her; maybe/may be not who knows? Although it would have been balanced if your wife tells her side of the story to either agree or disagree with some of the things you've asserted to here. Having said that, things like what you have narrated happens when a woman has no respect for her man/husband. If a man/woman has utmost respect for themselves, then he/she has no business being in close contact and cheating with with another man/woman other than their spouse.

You’re a bit too soft; no offence and hope non taken; be a man and wake up and smell the coffee to the advertised drama that your wife is performing and PUT AN END TO IT as it’s obvious; you’re not in control of your home otherwise your wife wouldn’t have the audacity or even the liver to carry out all what you have narrated above. Sometimes it’s good for a woman to know the tough side of her man and that in itself deters misbehaviour. I am not saying that you should be a tyrant/bully neither should you be a walk-over/weakling. Rather, YOU NEED TO BE FIRM WHEN YOU SAY CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD NOT TOLERATE SUCH AS YOUR WIFE KEEPING CLOSE LINKS WITH OTHER MEN IRRESPECTIVE OF WHETHER THE MAN IS HER WORK COLLEAGUE OR NOT. THE SAME RULE SHOULD APPLY TO YOU AS WELL REGARDING OTHER WOMEN. THE MARITAL HOME/BED SHOULD BE WITHOUT DEFILMENT.

You mentioned that you want to arrest her work colleague? What for? I don't see how you can arrest him. Instead of the arrest, you have to sit-up and tackle this head-on with you wife and if she wants to stay with you, then you give her the option to stop this shameful act and if she’s not willing to do that, then you simply tell her THE CONSEQUENCES OF WHAT HER REFUSAL WOULD LEAD TO. Which will include reporting her to her family, alerting the wife of her male colleague that she is cheating on you with or to the other extreme you getting a divorce. The choice is hers; and BE FIRM when you tell her that.

From your write-up, I presume that you have spoken to her severally times without any change; hence, you’ve now been boxed into a corner and you now need to address this problem as a matter of urgency and with that, there are 3 options here;

1) You leave her and let her carry on with her philandering ways and have a less stressful life along with peace of mind;
2) You stay with her and continue to confront her as she continuously cheats on you again and again; or
3) You stay in the marriage and develop a thick skin and ignore her until she is tired and then she’ll come back to her senses and stop her philandering ways herself.

The choice is yours and no one else can make that decision for you whether to stay or end your marriage. Also let me point out the fact that that HIV and AIDS ain’t written on anyone’s forehead and it only takes a single encounter to become infected. Be warned and be wise.

As your wife is reading this, let me digress a bit and ask your wife this question; if it was your husband doing exactly as you are doing to him now would you like it? i.e your husband is having this late chat with his female work colleague or any other female and being very close to her and also doing what you are doing would you like it? I can guarantee that you would raise the house down; fight with your husband, quarrel with him, nag him as well etc. The saying; DO ON TO OTHERS WHAT YOU WANT DONE TO YOU comes to mind. If you know that you will not like this, then stop doing it to your husband. Rectify this disgusting act you are carrying on that will eventually bring shame to you as a wife and face your family without the distraction from other men. Apologies to your husband and stop your wayward ways (sorry i sound harsh but it’s called tough love). If your husband decides to leave you today, you think your work colleague you are messing around with would leave his wife for you? I really pity you as he's only there to mess you and your marriage up and the speed in which he would cut ties with you if your husband divorces you would surprise you. Don’t say you were not warned as a word is enough for the wise.

I rest my case

@OP; hmmm how sad. IMHO, you’re a bit too soft; (no offence) toughen up a bit as your wife have wrapped you round her little finger. There seems to be these factors missing in your marriage; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship. In theory, your wife "HAS SEEN YOU FINISH". I have said this several times, and I will say again (some of you men don't listen), there’re two important things you need to know when dealing with women viz;

1) Never ever let a woman know/sense that you love her more than she loves you. If you do you’re game. Your wife knows that, hence a possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
2) Never ever let a woman know what your weak point is as a man. If she knows it, you’re game. Your wife knows that you can’t do without being the first to call her to apologies when an argument occurs, hence another possible reason for her mis-behaviour.

The thing that upset me the most is that you saw this entire attitude in her during your courtship and you still went ahead and married her, thinking she would change right? WRONG MOVE. People even convinced you to marry her that she will change and you fell for the deceit. I suspect your wife is pretty and aside the fact of her nasty attitude and the other things you mentioned you couldn’t just end the courtship and let her go. You gave her warnings to change her attitude of which she said she would change but she deceived you and she went back to status quo and yet you still went ahead and married her; WHAT FOR?

From another angle, you have painted your wife as a monster (excuse my language) but painted yourself as an innocent person which I find hard to believe. If your wife were to come here and say her part of the story, it mostly likely would be slightly different from your version as there are always 3 sides to a story; your side, their side and the truth.

You and your wife have not spoken for a while and that’s not a healthy sign. You also mentioned that you have reported her to some family members to intervene but to no avail. You are now getting to the point where you need to ask your wife DOES SHE STIIL WANT THIS MARRIAGE? If she answers YES you know what to do but if she says NO you know what to do. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay; that’s your call entirely as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches the most.

You and your wife have set a very bad precedent for your kids. That said, one piece of advice I’ll give you about the kids is this; as they grow older and get into the dating game, endeavour (just a suggestion) to use the example of you and their mum to teach them that when they see things they are not happy with during courtship, it should be addressed immediately. If the person with the problematic attitude isn’t willing to change then they should run faster than Usain Bolt as what you know you can’t take during courtship, would only get worse (if not corrected) after marriage.


Lesson learnt to all others who are courting and hoping the relationship would lead to marriage to learn from the @ops mistake

1) Never ever marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond, (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.


Finally, try and resolve the issues you are having with your wife urgently as communication is a problem you both have. Humility on both your parts is a starting point. Get a 3rd party (which can be counselling) involved if need be as you have children and the environment is not a conducive one for them to grow up in at the moment. All the best

I rest my case

PS: @kapelvej you are welcome.

But your posts showed that you painted your wife in a bad light and you didn't mention any of your own faults. It is not possible for one to be always innocent without offending the other party. You talk as if you yourself are Mr 100% perfect and have no flaws. Listen up dude, I'm sure your wife is putting up with your fault/flaws without blowing your trumpet as loud as you’re blowing hers. If your wife were to make a list of your short-comings, it’ll be as long as my arm but yet, she manages yours and probably don’t complain so much as you’re whining about hers. The bottom-line is all about compromise.

@Op; to love someone is a beautiful thing. When one is in a relationship that they think would lead to marriage, there are certain factors you need to consider before taking the “I DO” step. The factors are; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship.

During courtship is a time to decide whether you can tolerate your partners' attitude or not. If you know that you can’t endure a particular attitude during courtship, then address it there and then as it has a tendency to probably get worse when you marry.

Now let me give you some quotes below to ponder over; here we go;

When a relationship becomes one you are enduring; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a violet one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a selfish one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship makes you unhappy; it’s time to walk away

When you become afraid of your partner in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

When in a relationship and the apologies comes from only one side; it’s time to walk away

When you walk on egg-shells in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

Note my words above and be sure to be married to someone who you see as one you can spend the rest of your life with in happiness, love and unity. We are not perfect but we can still make adjustments in our attitude towards our fellow human.

As you GF always wants you to back her up when she picks a fight, have you ever considered that you can get into an altercation with another guy because you think a guy disrespected your GF and seriously hurt him? What next? If you are sent to prison you think your GF would come and visit you there; I truly pity you if you think so (No offense, and hope none taken).

You also mentioned that your relationship with her was arranged but from your write-up, you’re finding it hard to get along with some of her irritating traits which clearly infuriate you. Tackle that now before it is too late; otherwise, she may extend her obnoxious attitude to you, your friends, your family members or others you associate with. Surprise, right? But that's just the plain truth as she hasn't seen you raise a strong objection to her nauseating attitude.

Take note,

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them or you to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

On a final note, the decision is yours entirely whether to carry on with her or let her be as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches; hence, no one else can decide for you whether you’ll carry on with the courtship or call it quits. It'll be totally out of a selfish interest to allow her to chase other men away (one man’s meat is another man’s poison) with her knowledge that she has met her husband; meanwhile her man is in doubt if he has met his wife; as that’s the way it looks at the moment from your write-up. Owing to the fact that you haven't said much positive and acceptable things about her, you're better off taking your time to find the right woman at the initial stage to avoid stories that hurt. All the best.

I rest my case

PS; that she resided in the UK has nothing to do with the fact that she has an attitude problem. Irrespective of where a woman resides, if she’s going to have an attitude problem; her location would make no difference.

@Op; what I'm going to say, might sound a bit harsh but bear with me; here we go. I really don’t know why you think that you can play with fire and not get burnt. You really think that this is a game right? The word NO has not been extinct from the dictionary. First things first; TRY AND SEVER THIS SUDDEN CLOSE BOND YOU HAVE DEVELOPED WITH THIS MARRIED WOMAN. You know why; SHE IS A MARRIED WOMAN AND HER CLOSENESS SHOULD BE WITH HER HUSBAND AND NOT YOU OR ANY OTHER MAN. SHE TOOK A MARITAL VOW; ALLOW HER TO KEEP HER MARITAL WOWS AS THEY WERE NOT TAKEN FOR THE FUN OF IT.

As it looks, it’s turning into something that you're now unable to handle effectively; hence your bringing it to NL. I don’t see anywhere in your post where you mentioned to her that when she’s bringing food for you she should come with her husband. Neither did I see anywhere in your post where you said she should come with her husband when she is coming to play Chees and Ludo with you. I can guarantee YOU that she would tell you no BECAUSE HER HUSBAND IS NOT AWARE OF HER ANTICS.

You are already focusing on the way she dresses as giving you the green light for you to think that you can have an affair with her to the extent that you are even asking this nonsensical silly question (pardon my expression) as to whether you should go ahead to have an affair with her? Are you kidding me? Dude; were you day-dreaming when you asked that question? (No offense; and hope none taken)

Listen mate, your actions knowingly or unknowingly may lead to a wrong cause and I can guarantee you that the day her husband will find out this close friendship you are developing with his wife; it wouldn’t be something very palatable to him. Depending on the type of person her husband is, you don’t want to get yourself into trouble asin he can man-handle you for keeping a close bond with his wife.

I am going to state 2 CLEAR scenarios and please think about them carefully;

First scenario
If this were your wife in question, and you find out that she is keeping a close friendship with another man and that man is not you, how would you feel? Would you like it?

Second scenario
If it were your wife and she finds out that you are keeping a close friendship with another woman and that woman is not her how would she feel? Would she like it?


A married person just don’t wake up one morning and commits adultery, it all starts from somewhere which can be the “Hi I will like to be close friends with you” and because a lot of people lack self-control, they engage in acts contrary to the marital vows they have taken. Don’t put this woman in a situation where her husband begins to DOUBT what she says; neither let him begin harbouring TRUST ISSUES with her all because you couldn’t put an end to this rigmarole scenario you are getting yourself into (no offense; and hope none taken) based on the seriousness of the relationship you are allowing to develop with this married woman.

It’s imperative for one to learn to stay away from things that don’t belong to you as this woman is married and she belongs to another man and that man is NOT YOU. Note that this married woman’s husband can throw her out if he finds out that she cheated on him with you (you might say it won’t get to that stage (easier said than done) but it’s glaring to see that it is heading towards that direction) and if that happens, I doubt if you would suddenly pick her up and make her your wife (I may be right as well as wrong).

Finally, DON’T BE THE ONE TO BREAK ANOTHER PERSONS’ MARITAL UNION UP BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T SAY NO TO THE TEMPTATION THAT WAS PLACED IN FRONT OF YOU. You can easily tell her not to cook for you as she is not your wife and reduce your contact with her as this scenario is becoming unhealthy; but it’s obvious from the way you are currently thinking and enjoying the flirtatious way a married woman is displaying around you. DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED.

I rest my case

@Op; to love some one is a beautiful thing. When one is in a relationship that they think would lead to marriage, there are certain factors you need to consider before taking the “I DO” step. The factors are; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship.

During courtship is a time to decide whether you can tolerate your partners' attitude or not. If you know that you can’t endure a particular attitude during courtship, then address it there and then as it has a tendency to probably get worse when you marry.

Now let me give you some quotes below to ponder over; here we go;

When a relationship becomes one you are enduring; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a violet one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a selfish one;it’s time to walk away

When a relationship makes you unhappy; it’s time to walk away

When you become afraid of your partner in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

When in a relationship and the apologies comes from only one side; it’s time to walk away

When you walk on egg-shells in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

Note my words above and be sure to be married to someone who you see as one you can spend the rest of your life with in happiness, love and unity. We are not perfect but we can still make adjustments in our attitude towards our fellow human.

It would be in your best interest to TO AVOID PROLONGING THIS MATTER ANY LONGER as she's a woman whose biological clock is ticking and if you honestly would not be able to look beyond the “PROBLEM AREAS” you’ve mentioned above; PLEASE FREE HER AND FREE YOURSELF. Don’t have a selfish attitude (No offence hope none taken) where you want to have your cake and eat it by keeping her and STILL HAVING THESE NAGGING DOUBTS/ISSUES THAT YOU CAN’T OVERLOOK.

Take note,

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them or you to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

On a final note, the decision is yours entirely whether to carry on with her or let her be as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches; hence, no one else can decide for you whether you’ll carry on with the courtship or call it quits. It'll be totally out of a selfish interest to allow her to chase other men away (one man’s meat is another man’s poison) with her knowledge that she has met her husband; meanwhile her man is in doubt if he has met his wife; as that’s the way it looks at the moment from your write-up. Owing to the fact that you haven't said anything positive and acceptable about her, you're better off taking your time to find the right woman at the initial stage to avoid stories that hurt. All the best.

I rest my case

@Op; what I'm going to say, might sound a bit harsh but bear with me; here we go. I really don’t know why you think that you can play with fire and not get burnt. You really think that this is a game right? The word NO has not been extinct from the dictionary. First things first; TRY AND SEVER THIS SUDDEN CLOSE BOND YOU HAVE DEVELOPED WITH THIS MARRIED WOMAN. You know why; SHE IS A MARRIED WOMAN AND HER CLOSENESS SHOULD BE WITH HER HUSBAND AND NOT YOU OR ANY OTHER MAN. SHE TOOK A MARITAL VOW; ALLOW HER TO KEEP HER MARITAL WOWS AS THEY WERE NOT TAKEN FOR THE FUN OF IT.

As it looks, it’s turning into something that you're now unable to handle effectively; hence your bringing it to NL. I don’t see anywhere in your post where you mentioned to her that when she’s coming to cook for you she should come with her husband. Nether did I see anywhere in your post where you said she should come with her husband when she is coming to jump on your bed. I can guarantee YOU that she would tell you no BECAUSE HER HUSBAND IS NOT AWARE OF HER ANTICS.

Your actions knowingly or unknowingly may lead to a wrong cause as she is not taking NO for an answer as asserted in your comment(s). I can guarantee you that the day her husband will find out this close friendship you are developing with his wife; it wouldn’t be something very palatable to him. Depending on the type of person her husband is, you don’t want to get yourself into trouble asin he can man-handle you for keeping a close bond with his wife.

I am going to state 2 CLEAR scenarios and please think about them carefully;

First scenario
If this were your wife in question, and you find out that she is keeping a close friendship with another man and that man is not you, how would you feel? Would you like it?

Second scenario
If it were your wife and she finds out that you are keeping a close friendship with another woman and that woman is not her how would she feel? Would she like it?


A married person just don’t wake up one morning and commits adultery, it all starts from somewhere which can be the “Hi I will like to be close friends with you” and because a lot of people lack self-control, they engage in acts contrary to the marital vows they have taken. Don’t put this woman in a situation where her husband begins to DOUBT what she says; neither let him begin harboring TRUST ISSUES with her all because you couldn’t put an end to this rigmarole scenario you are getting yourself into (no offense; and hope none taken) centering on the seriousness of the relationship you are allowing to develop with this married woman.

It’s imperative for one to learn to stay away from things that don’t belong to you as this woman is married and she belongs to another man and that man is NOT YOU. Note that this married woman’s husband can throw her out if he finds out that she cheated on him with you (you might say it won’t get to that stage (easier said than done) but it’s glaring to see that it is heading towards that direction) and if that happens, I doubt if you would suddenly pick her up and make her your wife (I may be right as well as wrong).

Finally, DON’T BE THE ONE TO BREAK ANOTHER PERSONS’ MARITAL UNION UP BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T SAY NO TO THE TEMPTATION THAT WAS PLACED IN FRONT OF YOU. You can easily block her phone calls and reduce your contact with her as this scenario is becoming unhealthy; but it’s obvious from your replies that you are enjoying the flirtatious situation occurring. DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED.

I rest my case

@OP; TICK TOCK TICK TOCK; A time bomb is ticking and this situation you have narrated here would worry most men in your shoes. I’m sure you’ve heard the slogan “GIVE A WOMAN AN INCH AND SHE TAKES A MILE”. It's only a selfish woman that when married, would want her husband to herself only and not allow him to associate with his family members going forward.

No doubt, you love your wife (as you are now married due to the traditional marriage you’ve already done) very much; but the bulk doesn’t stop with her to decide for you on how the love you have for both her and your mum/sister as well as any other family member should be split; in fact, IT SHOULDN’T BE DEBATABLE. Maybe you need to ask your wife if she will like it if you were to treat her own family members with dislike; I can just imagine how she will feel.

That your mum and your sisters love her very much is not enough for your wife; and she just couldn’t resist the urge to show the stuff she’s made of by showing an unacceptable attitude back to them. (I think your wife is watching too many Nollywood movies to make her come to a conclusion that your family is controlling you; Lol).

When you were in the courting stage in your relationship (you said yourself that she was already showing her uncomfortable and grumbling attitude when you talk to your family members on the phone), and you see a situation such as this arising or any others’, you don’t overlook it; instead, you tackle them head-on. It’s rather unfortunate that some women allow themselves to be paranoid that they start to envy the love their man have for his mum/dad as well as his brother(s)/sister(s).

Your wife was not in the picture when you were growing up in your family circle; hence, you have built a strong bond with your family members before her arrival. Hopefully, yours won’t be a case where your wife starts telling you that she is not too comfortable seeing your family members in your home; then probably your eyes would clear and realise that you should have addressed this issue before marrying her.

It's sad that some women would've their own family members free to come and go as they please in their marital home; but her husband’s family members would be placed on WRITE ME A LETTER TO TELL ME YOU ARE COMING; and if/when the letter is received, YOU WOULD ONLY BE ALLOWED TO SPEND 1 DAY. Sounds funny right; but don't let your situation get to that stage as it seems to be heading that direction.

Just to clarify, I hope that you are not neglecting showing your wife love (let her continue to observe the love you have for her as real); as sometimes if you are not giving her your attention/love, she might be a little jealous; hence, her reaction of dislike to your family members. Then again, it might be that she is listening to negative talk from her friends which are beginning to cloud her judgement.

I have seen enough threads here on NL where the fiancée/wife’s attitude portrays the “YOU’LL CHOOSE BETWEEN ME AND YOUR FAMILY”. Handle this matter now that it is glaring and in the open before yours becomes part of the statistics of “HAD I KNOWN”.

I saw in one of your replies of how you tried to save money on an aspect of your wedding preparation and as the suggestion came from your sister, your wife wasn’t too pleased even though it saved money. SMH, imagine if the same type of suggestion came from your wife’s sister; would she say that her own sister is controlling her to? I don’t think so; but as it is from your own sister now, your wife has already concluded that your sister is controlling you. USE WISDOM TO ADDRESS THIS DISLIKE OF YOUR WIFE TO YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS; OTHERWISE, IT WOULD ESCALATE TO A POINT WHERE THE DISLIKE WOULD BE TRANSFERRED TO YOU AS WELL.

From the way things are going, your rendering assistance financial or otherwise to members of your family might gradually become a problem from your wife’s point of view ( I may be right as well as wrong) but only time will tell and hope you will know how to tackle that if it ever occurs; hopefully, that would not arise.

Lastly, NEVER EVER CHASE YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS AWAY BECAUSE OF A SPOUSE AS THAT MIGHT BE TOTALLY WRONG. All the best and congratulations on your wedding and may you have a joyful and happy home ahead.

I rest my case

@OP; first things first; try not to look down on any man; be it a poor/rich man. A MAN IS A MAN WHETHER HE’S FROM A HUMBLE, AVERAGE OR RICH BACKGROUND.

Looking at it from another angle, to love someone is a beautiful thing; and when one is seeking a partner, it’s not just the status of the man you should look at. There are other factors that needs consideration before taking the “I DO” step as MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

The factors are; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship.

You should ask yourself the few questions mentioned below when you meet someone;

Does he love you?
Is he caring?
Is he decent?
Is he hardworking?
Is he supportive?

No doubt, we all have preference’ as to what we want in a partner; but laying so much emphasis on RICHES can be a dangerous game. Besides, you’re entitled to marry a rich man IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT AND WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY. But let me tell you, a man who’s rich today can become poor tomorrow; likewise a man who’s poor today can become rich tomorrow. Always look at the potential for the future in a man when seeking for a mate and not riches. If he has the potentials to make it big tomorrow; I can’t see what stops you from using your influence (as you mentioned that you come from a comfortable family) to bring the not so well to do guy up financial.

Do you know how many ladies wants to marry a rich man? There are more ladies seeking rich men than there are rich men available. The sensible ladies, would look for a man with potentials even though he might not be currently rich and encourage him to push ahead to make it and become comfortable later on in life. You might say what if I marry a poor man and he remains poor? Well you’re not in a position to see the future; hence, you can’t answer that question correctly. If he has a job and can take good care of you and the kids you’ll have; then why not? It’s not as if the not so well to do guy wouldn’t want to improve his lot in life. I am pretty sure he would want to work hard and become comfortable. WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

There are lots of women who have toiled the part in marrying a rich guy/higher status; and they are miserable in their marriages as their husbands see them as not adding any value to their life’s financially; some are even termed as GOLD-DIGGERS. On the other hand, there are also women who have married rich men/higher status that are not facing that dilemma; hence you never know.

Always note, that you can marry a man with higher status who’ll deal with you mercilessly and disrespect you on every occasion and not give you the peace of mind you require. On the other hand you can also marry a man with higher status that would give you peace of mind and love you dearly; you just never know.

Look for more important qualities that a man has aside money/riches before settling down with him to avoid stories that touch/hurt. NEVER EVER PUT HIS MONEY AND RICHES FIRST AND BLIND YOU IN HIS SHORT-COMINGS TO AVOID POTENTIAL PROBLEMS AFTER MARRIAGE.


On a final note, have you told a few people that you are looking; in case a man is looking as well and you can be recommended to him. Don’t limit yourself to only seeing people on the street as you can also meet your partner via the online avenue as well. Even here on NL is not left out as a few people have met their partners on here too. At least, I have seen a few of such threads testifying to that effect. You can also use other social media such as facebook, whatsapp, instigma etc in which you can meet someone.

If you also like someone, you can give the green light to him (this is the 21st century) as some guys are quite shy to even toast a lady and if you give them the green light, it becomes a bit easier for them to approach you.

Finally, never give up in trying to gain/get what you want to achieve; and pray for direction as well. All the best gurl


I rest my case

@OP; I really feel sorry for you and the pain you’re passing through as this communication between your wife and her ex is really making you a bit paranoid (excuse my language). You really have to sit-up and deal with this problem head on. REMIND YOUR WIFE THAT IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR HER TO KEEP IN CONSTANT COMMUNICATION WITH HER EX.

I can’t understand when men/women can’t let go of their ex’s especially when they’re now married to different people. Don’t men/women realise that if they were that good then they’ll have been married to their ex's and not someone else?

Your wife is killing you slowly without you even knowing by this her stubborn refusal to stop communicating with her ex. She seems to have forgotten that she’s no longer a girlfriend to her ex (and she has no business discussing your family issues with her ex) but rather a wife to someone else and that someone else is YOU and maybe she needs a constant reminder of that fact; which you have been doing.

You have to assert your authority as the head of your home and tell her that the next time she calls or receive a call from her ex (even going as far as saving the name of her ex with a different name from the one he bears; what effrontery) is the day she’ll decide if she wants to stay in this marriage with you or she wants to go back to her ex. BE SURE TO BE FIRM WHEN YOU MAKE THAT ASSERTION AND AVOID PLAYING THE NEGOTIATING GAME. AS YOU DO THAT, YOU ALSO NEED TO APPLY THE SAME RULE TO YOURSELF BY STAYING AWAY FROM YOUR OWN EX'S AS WELL TO MAKE IT BALANCED.

It appears you’ve tried all manner of approach to stop her from remaining in constant communication with her ex and it hasn’t yielded any positive result, then you need to take the bull by the horn and GIVE HER YOUR ULTIMATUM.

Just to digress, I wonder how your wife would feel if you were the one still communicating with your ex? I can guarantee that she would raise the house down; fight you, quarrel with you, nag you etc. But in her case, she concludes that it’s nothing forgetting that this her ex happens to be a married man now as well. The saying; DO ON TO OTHERS WHAT YOU WANT DONE TO YOU comes to mind.

It won’t be a pretty sight if the wife of her ex finds out that she’s communicating with her husband. I tell you, the roof would come down. As this communication with the ex has been happening for a long time now; maybe this would be the right time to let his wife be aware of what is going on; but then again, maybe not.

I would have probably said you call your wife’s ex and warn him not to call your wife or be in contact with her again. But then again, I won’t say that because the person you have the business with is your wife who thinks that it’s okay for her to still be close to her ex. If she wants to be with you; then you make it as a rule for her to CUT-OFF ALL COMMUNICATION WITH HER EX and if she’s not ready to do that then she’s free to go be with her ex. LET HER CHOOSE WHICH OPTION SHE PREFERS as your marital life cannot be a healthy one if EX's issues keeps coming up in the equation all the time thereby creating unnecessary problems at will.


I rest my case

PS: I don't mean to alarm you but you mentioned that your wife got pregnant within 1 month of knowing her. I'll strongly advise you to do a DNA test on the child as a result of the close bond that still exist between your wife and her ex after all your years of marriage; is a bit suspicious (just a thought) and you have to be sure that the kid is yours and not for your wife's ex.

@OP; hmmm how sad. IMHO, you’re a bit too soft; (no offence) toughen up a bit as your wife have wrapped you round her little finger (she has seen you finish; as in no respect what so ever). Aside that, there’re two important things you need to know when dealing with women viz;

1) Never ever let a woman know/sense that you love her more than she loves you. If you do you’re game. Your wife knows that, hence a possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
2) Never ever let a woman know what your weak point is as a man. If she knows it, you’re game. Your wife knows that you can’t do without her, hence another possible reason for her mis-behaviour.

The thing that upset me the most is that you saw this entire attitude in her during your 2 year courtship and you still went ahead and married her, thinking she would change right? WRONG MOVE. I suspect your wife is pretty or earns more than you which could be other reasons you couldn’t let her go; aside the fact of her nasty attitude and the other things you mentioned.

What baffled me the most was why you and your wife decided to bring 4 innocent children into a toxic environment. Another surprising thing is the fact that your wife was this nasty and you had the 1st child, then her nastiness continued; you had the 2nd child, then it got even worst; you had the 3rd child and the nastiness graduated and you subsequently had the 4th child. What on earth was going on why you couldn’t sort out the chaotic situation currently existing in the home front before you started popping out babies like they were going out of fashion? (I’m not judging you) I’m just bemused.

From another angle, you have painted your wife as a monster (excuse my language) but painted yourself as an innocent person which I find hard to believe. If your wife were to come here and say her part of the story, it mostly likely would be slightly different from your version as there are always 3 sides to a story; your side, their side and the truth.

Just to digress, a husband came here to describe the wife as a nasty piece of work and kept his side of the story squeaky clean until his wife found out about the thread and came here to say her side of the story. Needless to say, the people who were calling her a bad wife when they heard the husbands' side of the story shifted the blame to her husband when they heard the wifes' side of the story and instead started calling him the bad one as the wife mentioned terrible things the husband had done to her which the husband left out when he narrated his own side of the story. HOPE YOU GET WHERE I AM GOING.

Moving forward, there is only one question you need to ask your wife and the answer to that question would determine what to do next. Ask your wife DOES SHE STIIL WANT THIS MARRIAGE? If she answers YES you know what to do but if she says NO you know what to do. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay; that’s your call entirely as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches the most.

You and your wife have set a very bad precedent for your kids. That said, one piece of advice I’ll give you about the kids is this; as they grow older and get into the dating game, endeavour (just a suggestion) to use the example of you and their mum to teach them that when they see things they are not happy with during courtship, it should be addressed immediately. If the person with the problematic attitude isn’t willing to change then they should run faster than Usain Bolt as what you know you can’t take during courtship, would only get worse (if not corrected) after marriage.


Lesson learnt to all others who are courting and hoping the relationship would lead to marraige

1) Never ever marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond, (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.


I rest my case

@Op; Huh! What can I say; well, first of all it’s really sad that you are contemplating to take your life; very very sad indeed.

Have you confronted your husband about his cheating ways? Is he remorseful or is he justifying himself with the analogy of “Men are polygamous in nature therefore they will cheat” One thing to note here is that a man cheats only because he wants to and not because he has to. There is something called self-control; and if you resolve in your heart that you would not cheat on your spouse no matter what; then you certainly would not and this analogy applies to both men and women.

The environment that one finds themselves in sometimes may make it hard for one to walk away; but that does not mean that one cannot avoid the temptation to cheat. It is simply a silly excuse to say I want to explore out of the marital bond as “The marriage bed should be without defilement”.

Now listen up gurl; if you kill yourself because of a philandering husband; I PITY YOU; as I will only give your husband 3 months max; and there would be another Mrs somebody by his side. And if I may ask you this question, what makes you think that the new wife would look after your son the way you look after him currently if you kill yourself?

In all, there are only 2 options here;

1) Either you leave him and let him carry on with his philandering ways and have a less stressful life along with peace of mind or;
2) If he is remorseful, you can forgive him and stay but also let him show by his action(s) that he would not continuously cheat on you again.

The choice is totally yours; you are the one wearing the shoes and only you know how it pinches. No one else can tell you if to leave or stay.

Not sure if you depend on him entirely financially and if you do, then that might be part of the problem and that might give him the freelance to cheat as he knows you would always need money for you and your son’s upkeep from him. If you are not currently working; then please do get a job or set up a business to have something in hand doing.

At this moment in time, the most important thing here is your kid; stick around to care for him whether you decide to stay with your husband or not. Also HAVE PITY FOR YOUR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS ESPECIALLY YOUR MUM AND DAD as it may distress them if you kill yourself.

Go for an STD test IMMEDIATELY and check to make sure that you are not carrying any disease(s). I will also ADVICE that your husband should do the same. ALL THE BEST.


PS: I read a thread on NL where a woman died of a heartbreak because her husband was a chronic philanderer and now her children are without a mother all because she was fighting hard to stop the husband from cheating on her with different women.

I just mentioned this for you to be aware that a person can indeed die from a heartbreak. So please beware and be wise.

I rest my case

@OP; what I’m going to say might come out a bit harsh but permit me as no offence and hope none taken.

Young man, quit being a PRIMA DONNA. You really need to work on the way you describe other people especially if they are not up to your standard. If the irritation is along the lines of how they look physically of which they have no control over; learn to accept them the way they are and not try to bring them down. As you’re seeking a pretty woman, I hope you’re handsome yourself (No offence hope none taken) as being good-looking seems to be something you emphasize on; may be/may be not.

To love someone is a beautiful thing; and when one is seeking a partner, there are certain factors you need to consider before taking the “I DO” step. The factors are; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship.

The few questions mentioned below, can you in your heart answer yes to all regarding the current lady;

Is she caring?
Is she decent?
Is she hardworking?
Is she supportive?
Does she love you?

From my observation, it takes a man only few weeks/months and not few years to know if the lady he is currently with WOULD END UP BEING HIS WIFE. You know both good and bad traits that your GF has; but from the look of things, you just can’t look beyond the bad traits. What I can’t understand is why you even started anything with her in the first place and going ahead to date her for a while; when you knew from day one that she is neither pretty nor literate enough; I just can’t bring myself to understand it.

That said, now permit me to ask you this question, how would you feel if someone constantly criticizes you in an area where you have no control over e.g your looks/stature? I’m sure you’ll not feel happy about it. Now put yourself in the shoes of this current lady and deliberate. Due to your constant criticism at your GF, you’ve made her feel inferior to you especially in the area of your literacy and polished way of going about your stuff; Oh please (rolls eyes) give her a break and quit shocking her. You’re also rubbing salt into her wound by constantly referring to her not being literate nor pretty enough, oh pfffftttt.

You are already showing that you may not celebrate her when you eventually become more better-off financial; this is already showing that you may cheat on her later on if you eventually marry her; it’s not rocket science; (you ain’t even married yet and you’re saying you might not cherish her enough when your financial level changes) that alone is a RED HERRING and when the opportunity presents itself, you probably might not have the self-control to resist. BEST BELIEVE, TEMPTATIONS WOULD ARISE.

You talk as if you are Mr 100% perfect and have no flaws. Listen up dude, I'm sure your GF is putting up with your fault/flaws without blowing your trumpet as loud as you’re blowing hers. If your GF were to make a list of your short-comings, it’ll be as long as my arm but yet, she manages yours and probably don’t complain so much as you’re whining about hers. I can just imagine the agony and pains your GF’s going through just to please you as you constantly barrage and correct her over frivolity.

Even if you send her to a school that can help to polish her literacy; my question to you is what happens if she’s still not polished enough for you and able to articulately speak the QUEENS’ ENGLISH AS YOU WANT? Would that not irritate you and even compound the situation even more? Best believe, she can be sent to school but still not be polished enough for you and THAT’LL REMAIN A PROBLEM. You need to be aware that the imperfections that a spouse has are what make them unique.

Note these 2 points;

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

We all have preference’ as to what we want in a partner; but laying so much emphasis on things that you can't change can be a dangerous game. Besides, you’re entitled to marry a pretty lady IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT AND WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY. Always look at the potential for the future in a woman when seeking for a mate and not just her looks. Note that you can marry a pretty/ugly woman who’ll deal with you mercilessly and disrespect you on every occasion and not give you the peace you require. On the other hand you can also marry a pretty/ugly woman that would give you peace and love you dearly; you just never know.

It would be in your best interest to TO AVOID PROLONGING THIS MATTER ANY LONGER. She is a woman whose biological clock is ticking and if you honestly would not be able to look beyond the “PROBLEM AREAS” you’ve mentioned above; PLEASE FREE HER AND FREE YOURSELF. Don’t have a selfish attitude (No offence hope none taken) where you want to have your cake and eat it by keeping her and STILL HAVING THESE NAGGING DOUBTS/ISSUES THAT YOU CAN’T OVERLOOK.

If your family and friends are cool with her, that’s good; but note that it is not your family nor your friends that would be living with her in your home; it's YOU and once you have these doubts occurring then please look into these doubts carefully now in the courting stage of your relationship before you go further down the line.

The decision is yours entirely whether to carry on with her or let her be; though it'll be totally out of a selfish interest to allow her to chase other men away (one man’s meet is another man’s poison) with her knowledge that she has met her husband; meanwhile her man is in doubt if he has met his wife; as that’s the way it looks at the moment. I’ll strongly advise you to think deeply before pulling the plug on the relationship.

Finally, remember this saying; HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.


PS: For the benefit of others, PLEASE AND PLEASE don't ever wait and stay glued to a man/woman that is more interested in changing you to meet his/her standards. Never say there might not be another man/woman available to love you for who and how you are as that would be a fallacy and totally wrong. You probably might be chasing other men/women who meet your criteria away by remaining with the one you are managing to your own detriment.



I rest my case

@Op; to love some one is a beautiful thing. When one is in a relationship that they think would lead to marriage, there are certain factors you need to consider before taking the “I DO” step. The factors are; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship. For some, not being romantic can be a reason to go their separate ways but that’s not a valid reason IMHO. During courtship is a time to decide whether you can tolerate your partners' attitude or not. If you know that you can’t endure a particular attitude during courtship, then address it there and then as it has a tendency to probably get worse when you marry.

Listen mate, YOUR GF SEEMS TO BE SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS WANTS THINGS HER WAY IRRESPECTIVE OF WHOSE OX IS GOARD. You have tried to improve your romantic gesture and she’s still not satisfied with it. That alone shows that being satisfied is a problem and she’s not showing any signs of wanting to change in that direction. Her lack of satisfaction could crop up in any other area and I’ll tell you dude, its going to be a struggle to curtail that type of attitude. THIS IS A RED FLAG.

A woman who compares you to her ex lacks respect for you and that’s a FACT. The minute she opens her mouth to even mention an ex let alone to talk about how many they are to you, should have been when you tell her not to mention that to you. If she does it again then you tell her to go be with that ex. It clearly shows that she’s not over how ever many ex she’s had and still yarns for them by comparing how they did things to how you do things. THIS IS A RED FLAG.

You mentioned that she has anger management issues and self pride. Can you tolerate this continuously? When a woman has anger management issues and added to it, self pride, its usually hard for them to accept their wrong. Correct me if I’m wrong; she would have this notion of not apologising when she’s wrong (I may be right as well as wrong). THIS IS A RED FLAG.

Due to your calmness, she’s beginning to take you for a ride by exhibiting the traits of "he can’t do without me as he loves me irrespective of my flaws". You have to tackle that and make her aware that she can be replaced if she doesn’t sit-up and improve on the areas you are concerned about. Of course, you also have your flaws to work on especially on the ones she’s complained about. If you’re trying to work on yours, I see no reason why she can’t do same with hers and stop the nagging as it’s irritating when one nags be it as a man or a woman.

I’ll say don’t take her to any family trip for now until you are fully satisfied that both of you can cope with your flaws. If both of you know you can’t cope with these flaws you have identified, then think well and hard if it’ll be worth your while settling down together. Marriage is hard work and can work only if both of you are determined to put in that hard work together. If your courtship is not at a comfortable stage where you are happy and have minor issues, if you marry, your marriage may have sever problems if things are not addressed and corrected. Don’t be in a hurry to propose until you have settled areas that you see as concerns for both of you.


Now let me give you some quotes below to ponder over; here we go:

When a relationship becomes one you are enduring; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a violet one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a selfish one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship makes you unhappy; it’s time to walk away

When you become afraid of your partner in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

When in a relationship and the apologies comes from only one side; it’s time to walk away

When you walk on egg-shells in a relationship; it’s time to walk away


Take note,

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them or you to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

On a final note, only you wear the shoe and only you know where it pinches; hence, no one else can decide for you whether you’ll carry on with the courtship or call it quits. You're better off taking your time to find the right woman at the inital stage to avoid stories that hurt. All the best.


I rest my case

@OP; hmmm how sad. IMHO, you’re a bit too soft; (no offence) toughen up a bit as your wife have wrapped you round her little finger. Aside that, there’re two important things you need to know when dealing with women viz;

1) Never ever let a woman know/sense that you love her more than she loves you. If you do you’re game. Your wife knows that, hence a possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
2) Never ever let a woman know what your weak point is as a man. If she knows it, you’re game. Your wife knows that you can’t do without her, hence another possible reason for her mis-behaviour.

The thing that upset me the most is that you saw this entire attitude in her during your 4 year courtship and you still went ahead and married her, thinking she would change right? WRONG MOVE. I suspect your wife is pretty or earns more than you which could be other reasons you couldn’t let her go; aside the fact of her nasty attitude and the other things you mentioned.

What baffled me the most was why you and your wife decided to bring 4 innocent children into a toxic environment. Another surprising thing is the fact that your wife was this nasty and you had the 1st child, then her nastiness continued; you had the 2nd child, then it got even worst; you had the 3rd child and the nastiness graduated and you subsequently had the 4th child. What on earth was going on why you couldn’t sort out the chaotic situation currently existing in the home front before you started popping out babies like they were going out of fashion? (I’m not judging you) I’m just bemused.

From another angle, you have painted your wife as a monster (excuse my language) but painted yourself as an innocent person which I find hard to believe. If your wife were to come here and say her part of the story, it mostly likely would be slightly different from your version as there are always 3 sides to a story; your side, their side and the truth.

Just to digress, a husband came here to describe the wife as a nasty piece of work and kept his side of the story squeaky clean until his wife found out about the thread and came here to say her side of the story. Needless to say, the people who were calling her a bad wife when they heard the husbands' side of the story shifted the blame to her husband when they heard the wifes' side of the story and instead started calling him the bad one as the wife mentioned terrible things the husband had done to her which the husband left out when he narrated his own side of the story. HOPE YOU GET WHERE I AM GOING.

Moving forward, there is only one question you need to ask your wife and the answer to that question would determine what to do next. Ask your wife DOES SHE STIIL WANT THIS MARRIAGE? If she answers YES you know what to do but if she says NO you know what to do. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay; that’s your call entirely as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches the most.

You and your wife have set a very bad precedent for your kids. That said, one piece of advice I’ll give you about the kids is this; as they grow older and get into the dating game, endeavour (just a suggestion) to use the example of you and their mum to teach them that when they see things they are not happy with during courtship, it should be addressed immediately. If the person with the problematic attitude isn’t willing to change then they should run faster than Usain Bolt as what you know you can’t take during courtship, would only get worse (if not corrected) after marriage.


Lesson learnt to all others who are courting and hoping the relationship would lead to marraige

1) Never ever marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond, (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.


I rest my case

@Op; to love some one is a beautiful thing. When one is in a relationship that they think would lead to marriage, there are certain factors you need to consider before taking the “I DO” step. The factors are; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship.

During courtship is a time to decide whether you can tolerate your partners' attitude or not. If you know that you can’t endure a particular attitude during courtship, then address it there and then as it has a tendency to probably get worse when you marry.

Now let me give you some quotes below to ponder over; here we go;

When a relationship becomes one you are enduring; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a violet one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a selfish one;it’s time to walk away

When a relationship makes you unhappy; it’s time to walk away

When you become afraid of your partner in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

When in a relationship and the apologies comes from only one side; it’s time to walk away

When you walk on egg-shells in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

Note my words above and be sure to be married to someone who you see as one you can spend the rest of your life with in happiness, love and unity. We are not perfect but we can still make adjustments in our attitude towards our fellow human.

It would be in your best interest to TO AVOID PROLONGING THIS MATTER ANY LONGER. You are a woman whose biological clock is ticking and if you honestly would not be able to look beyond the “PROBLEM AREAS” you’ve mentioned above; PLEASE FREE HIM AND FREE YOURSELF. Don’t have a selfish attitude (No offence hope none taken) where you want to have your cake and eat it by keeping him and STILL HAVING THESE NAGGING DOUBTS/ISSUES THAT YOU CAN’T OVERLOOK.

On a final note,

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them or you to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.



I rest my case

@Op; quit being a PRIMA DONNA. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK; a time bomb is ticking on when you’re going to cheat on your wife; it’s just a matter of time. I won’t be surprised if you already have a lady you are eyeing outside hence the divorce strategy up your sleeve. Ever heard the saying “You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink”. You didn't even say your wife cheated on you, was rude, violet, nags, un-kempt, lazy or doesn't look after the kids and yet you want to divorce her.

Rather than you to cherish her good side and work on her flaws, you rather divorce her. You saw all her flaws and still went ahead and married her (10 YEARS DOWN THE LINE) and now that you can’t stand the flaws, you want to divorce your wife that already has 3 kids for you and another one (to make 4) is on the way due shortly, for all these things you mentioned that can be fixed with good communication with your wife; you really think that’ll be the best way forward. By the way, FORGET THAT STATEMENT YOU MADE THAT YOUR WIFE DELIBERATELY TOOK IN; AS YOU BOTH CREATED THE SOON TO ARRIVE LITTLE ONE.

Permit me asking this question, how would you feel if someone constantly criticizes you? Due to your constant annoyance and criticism at your wife ((not hard to spot that as you are becoming a constant nag) (no offense, hope none taken)), you’ve made her feel inferior to you especially in the area of your literacy and polished way of going about your stuff; Oh please give her a break and quit chocking her. You’re also rubbing salt into her wound by constantly referring to her not being literate enough; oh pleeeeease.

You talk as if you yourself are Mr 100% perfect and have no flaws. Listen up dude, I'm sure your wife is putting up with your fault/flaws without blowing your trumpet as loud as you’re blowing hers. If your wife were to make a list of your short-comings, it’ll be as long as my arm but yet, she manages yours and probably don’t complain so much as you’re whining about hers. I can just imagine the agony and pains your wife’s going through as you constantly barrage and correct her over frivolity.

Although you've mentioned sending her to further her education; what happens if she’s still not polished enough for you and able to articulately speak the MICHELLE OBAMA/QUEENS’ ENGLISH AS YOU WANT? Would that not irritate you and even compound the situation even more? Best believe, she can be sent to school but still not be polished enough for you and THAT’LL REMAIN A PROBLEM. THAT SAID, SHE DOESN’T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, SO STOP FORCING HER TO DO SO. The imperfections that a spouse has are what make them unique.

Family planning
For the family planning, you can always go and have other methods done. For you, you can go and have a vasectomy after all it’s not only women that should under-go strenuous family planning methods.

Business
As she doesn’t want a white-collar job, then why not set her up with a business that she’s comfortable doing and not the one you want to force down her throat. She’s told you what she wants, then work with her to achieve it and stop whining.

Dressing
If you are tired of her wearing old cloths, then why don’t both of you go to a boutique together and pick some nice lady-like cloths for her? Better still, you can as well pack all her old over 60’s clothing and get ride of them in her absence since you so much detest them.

Lesson learnt

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond (and best believe challenges would arise) that the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

Finally, you better don’t inflict unnecessary regrets on yourself on what you could have fixed. Communicate with your wife and see how you can assist her to manage her flaws with love and not with anger and avoid stories that touch. BETTER STILL, GO FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELLING TO HELP YOU BOTH REASON ON PAR.

I rest my case

@Op; your friend wants to be a mum to 4 step kids right? She doesn’t have a child of her own to know what is like to handle a kid and suddenly she wants to handle 4 kids from 3 different women; is she alright at all? (pardon my expression) and does she think it’s beans? A young woman in her mid twenties at that; why does she want to complicate her life?

That said, when I read your write-up I suspected that this man must have money and that is probably what is enticing her and VOILA you stated that he has money; so there we are, WOMEN AND THE MENTION OF MONEY; NOT SURPRISED. Ask her, if it was a man without money with 4 kids, would she still be interested in him?

She best think hard and I mean VERY HARD before she makes her final decision. 4 kids that are not yours ain't no yam and beans to handle. Is all easy for her to say I’LL COPE AFTERALL I LOVE THEIR FATHER; HENCE I’M PREPARED TO PUT UP WITH ANYTHING THAT THE BABAYMAMAS' THROUGH AT ME; yeah right. I see the man as a bit selfish though IMHO for going for a woman who doesn’t have kids of her own and wanting her to take up such responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, 1 step kid is understandable; 2 step kids would be pushing it; but 4 step kids is extensive and hard work.

No disrespect to the man but he probably would be better off with someone who already has a child/children of their own as they would understand how to interact with the kids a bit more. Don’t get me wrong as I’m not saying your friend would not understand how to interact with the kids but it’s GOING TO BE HARD. Let her think hard and remove her eyes and mind from his money and think logically with her eyes wide open and not allow his wealth to close her eyes to issues that may/can occur.

She better pay close attention to what her family members are telling her now and avoid STORIES THAT TOUCH, HAD I KNOWN, AND CRYING OVER SPILT MILK; as love is not enough when it comes to settling down in a marital home. Not to talk of going into marriage with a partner with this much drama. At 34 years (Not judging him) he say the first wife is this and that, 2nd babymama not good enough and 3rd babymama also not good enough; oh please.

If he was that good, then | see no reason for his having children with so many women, then moving on from each of them stating that they all have one problem after another but freeing himself from any fault he himself may have. If your friend eventually decides to marry him, then she becomes babymama number 4; can she handle that? and would it be another case of her not good enough and he goes down the same scenario of dumping her like he's done to the other women?

Finally, marriage is not a bed of roses and just getting to understand your partner takes a lot of effort let alone with a partner who already has 4 kids with 3 babymamas’ THAT IS GOING TO BE A HARD TASK TO SETTLE DOWN WITH. Encourage your friend to find someone who does't have this amount of baggage; preferable a single man as single men still exist. Also point out the clear pros and cons to your friend before she makes her final decision as you can't make that decision for her.


I rest my case

@OP, ridiculous; this is how disrespect starts. I hope this action of your wife wouldn’t create any problems going forward. A simple instruction could not be followed by your wife as your mum wanted a picture with her and her children and your wife just had to go in and spoil it; huh.

I am sure (you may correct me if I am wrong) there must have been a picture taken that had your wife, you, your mum and your siblings all together. So I can't understand why your wife went ahead and altered this special request made by you, your mum and your sibilings?

She then reports you to her mum and her mother tells her she did the right thing; really? Would her own mum accept something like this if it were her? Would your wife and her siblings be ok with you joining the picture if that happened? If yes then all well and good; but if no; then DO UNTO OTHERS WHAT YOU WANT DONE TO YOU.

I would have suggested that you have 2 types of the picture done where the first one would show everyone including your wife and the second one, your wife be edited out. But I would not suggest that so as not to appear as if she is not wanted in the family; please don’t try it o, it was only a joke; Lol.

In all, don’t let this cause any friction between both of you and please talk to your wife to drop that attitude that she has suddenly developed over a trivial matter as it would only create unnecessary problems and stress in your home.


Lastly, a big congratulation to your mum on her retirement.


I rest my case

@Op; WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? For goodness sake, when are you going to wake up and smell the coffee? You ain’t even married to him yet and you are already fighting off another woman from your man due to he’s cheating ways; oh please. Make no mistake, your BF is cheating on you emotionally as it’s not only when someone is caught red handed that it’s termed cheating.

Take a look at a few threads here on family section where the complaint centres on married individuals that are still attached emotionally to other people who aren’t their spouse. I tell you, it all started from not letting go of the individual before they say "I DO". In most instances if not all, the culprit still remains in close contact with the person they are emotional attached to even whilst they are married and because of that selfish action, they continue to hurt their spouse.

The question is, are you ready to fight this long and drawn out battle? Take note that THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN STOP A CHEAT IS NO ONE ELSE THAN THEMSELVES. THEY ONLY STOP WHEN THEY WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE YOU OR ANY OTHER PERSON TELLS THEM TO STOP. EVEN IF THE CHEAT CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT THEY ARE HURTING THEIR PARTNER BY GETTING INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO THEM AS ALL THEY DO IS MAKE SILLY EXCUSES TO JUSTIFY THEIR IRRESPONSIBLE ACTIONS.

If your BF chooses not to let go of his current fling, then think again if you are ready to share him with the other woman. YOUR CHOICE. One simple advice I would give you is to NEVER EVER GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW IS EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO SOMEONE ELSE. AS YOU WILL ALWAYS BE REGARDED AS A SECOND FIDDLE. ITS ANOTHER BALL GAME IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW; BUT IF YOU KNEW AND YOU STILL WENT AHEAD AND MARRY THEM, THEN YOU HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF. DON'T ALLOW DESPERATION TO PUSH YOU INTO AN UNHAPPY SITUATION WHICH YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED..

I won’t say whether you should carry on with your BF or let him go as that decision is entirely yours and yours only. Whatever decision you make, you will live with the consequence(s). I know that what I have written is a bit harsh but pardon my harshness as I just don’t want to see you say HAD I KNOWN AND CRY OVER SPILLED MILK. If you're ready to continue to fight for the attention of your BF from the other woman/women, then all the best to you.

I rest my case

Modified

@elevatedbeing, from your response to me, you mentioned that their conversations are that deep; now that says a lot; as this is now gradually turning into a love triangle.

I'm not saying that you or your BF shouldn't have male or female friends; far from it; but being emotionally attached to that friendship is another kettle of fish that shouldn't be ignored nor allowed to foster. There needs to be clear boundaries set and adhered to so as to avoid stories that touch. In your BF's case, the emotionally attachment to this woman is way too much, too strong and far gone from what you've described from your write-up.

You said the lady is pregnant, I hope that pregnancy is not for your BF. I'm not trying to scare you, but do yourself a favour and do your due diligence.

A woman with 5 children from her partner got involved with another man emotionally and she ended up having a child for that man. Another woman I know had 2 children for her husband and again ended up being attached emotionally to another man and she had a child for that man as well. This can happen to men as well as I know of a man who has 2 kids with his wife and ended up being attached emotionally to another woman and that woman now has a child for him.

Sadly, strange things do happen and when you don't have a grip of your emotions against someone who isn't your partner, things can go the wrong way. Don't ignore these clear signs and say it's just a phase that will pass; as you may be right as well as wrong.

I'm just trying to imagine if this were you in this situation and were attached emotionally to another man other than your BF, I wonder how your BF would have felt and how he would have handled the situation. Think about it.

@Op, am so touched for the little one, how is the little man doing? You need to see a Doctor ASAP preferably, a Dermatologist as just looking at the picture, it looks more like a staph infection as suggested by some other medic (which is what I think it is) but you never can have the correct diagnosis just by looking at the picture without seeing the patient physically to examine them and run some test to determine what is causing this exactly.

Please urgently seek medical attention just to be sure as well that there is no problem with his immune system. Also check that it is not as a result of anything included in his diet that has caused this reaction or even poor hygiene (pardon me, as I’m not saying that you're dirty). Please be quick on seeking medical help to reduce the pain that the little one might be going through.

Onegai has suggested a quick option of referring you to their dermatologist to see you faster; please think about it.

PS: At medics at war (lol; no offence hope none taken) can we all please stay calm and let this slide as we're all trying to help the little one; so lets do that and avoid any further altercation. Thank you for your cooperation.

I rest my case

@OP, I took some time to look at your Moji26 post and Suzzy16 post and I just don’t get it why with the Moji26 monica you write as an illiterate (excuse my language) and with the Suzzy16 monica you write like a literate/educated person. It baffles me.

Your battery was fully charged when you opened this thread and responded to queries on this thread; now that you have been asked to provide more information, suddenly now your phone battery is to low for you to come and answer the questions you’ve been asked. In theory, you have gone silent. This baffles me again.

You’ve been asked to send details of your antenatal card (send to Onegai/Ifyalways/Mizmycoli) and evidence of your pregnancy and other things; again you have not sent those details.

Thorpido has kindly volunteered to assist to register you for antenatal at the general hospital and I’m hoping that you will consider the Doctors kind gesture at least just to make sure that some form of medical care is provided for you and for the unborn child.

TEHN have asked you to provide information on your case to see how they can support you, not sure if you have responded to their request.

You have an international passport and you don’t have a bank account for yourself; oh please; who are you kidding? You were even told that it is free to open a bank account and yet you are still saying that you will need money to open the account. Are you saying that those who are telling you that it is possible to open an account without money don’t know what they are saying?

You’ll rather have people send money into someone else’s account that they don’t know (just listen to yourself; does that sound right to you?) as against you opening your own account and the money sent to your account directly? Another thing that baffles me again.

You have a handy work for nail painting, doing hair and make-up etc; try and build on using them successfully (some have suggested to you on how to start small) to get some money to cater for you, your little one and the unborn child.

I am all for helping people in need especially when children are involved; but please be sure you are genuine and not playing on people’s intelligence. Waiting for your information to be verified.


I rest my case

@Op; your sister wants to be a mum to 5 step kids right? She doesn’t have a child of her own to know what is like to handle a kid and suddenly she wants to handle 5 kids; does she think it’s beans?

That said, when I read your write-up I suspected that this man must have money and that is probably what is enticing her and VOILA you stated that he has landed properties etc; so there we are, NOT SURPRISED. Ask her, if it was a man without money with 5 kids, would she still be interested in him?

She best think hard and I mean VERY HARD before she makes her final decision. 5 kids that are not yours is not going to be yam and beans to handle. Is all easy for her to say she’s met them a few times and they are all ok. I see the man as a bit selfish though IMHO for going for a woman who doesn’t have kids of her own and wanting her to take up such responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, 1 or 2 kids is understandable.

No disrespect to the man but he probably would be better off with someone more matured and who already has children of their own as they would understand how to interact with the kids a bit more. Don’t get me wrong as I’m not saying your sister would not understand how to interact with the kids but it’s GOING TO BE HARD.

Let her think hard and remove her mind (no offence; hope none taken) from his money and think logically with her eyes wide open and not allow his wealth to close her eyes to issues that may/can occur.

Finally, marriage is not a bed of roses and just getting to understand your partner takes a lot of effort let alone with a partner who already has 5 kids of their own from a previous relationship. THAT IS GOING TO BE A HARD TASK TO SETTLE DOWN WITH. Point out the clearly pros and cons to your sister before she makes her final decision as you can't make that decision for her.


I rest my case