Maybe I should have re-phrased my question as it seems to have puzzled some as to my motives.I don't understand why to be honest.
My thread should have read something like "Does not speaking the local dialect really matter?"
I did not pose my question expecting to find the answer to whether or not I should have married an Igbo,I don't need guidance or
advice in that area because it's true that after 15 years I am where I belong,and neither one of us wants out.
I am far from paranoid,I have never been the type of woman to worry over my man unnecessarily. I suppose that in thinkin about bein
in Nigeria permanently questions have arisen. My mother asked me the same question,about how I would feel being around Igbo speakers
all of the time. If I ask the opinion of my English friends they will be unable to relate and the Igbo friends and family we have in the uk all
say don't worry,but I still find it hard to be in a room with people and not understand what they are saying!
We are proof that an English woman can make a Nigerian happy   and vice versa
And I understand where u are comin from R-Dynamite, but our children would not be asking that question
because they don't see us as Nigerian and English,they see us as mum and dad
I just don't want to feel isolated when I am there,I lead a very independant life and has some very good girl friends here,I will miss talking
to them on a level. Whatever your mother tongue it always allows you to be more natural in your behaviour when u are speaking it,I believe
Maybe I need advice from foreign men and women married to Nigerians who actually live in Nigeria.

TY for that take on the debate danfodriva, I agree that the flog them attitude is a wrong one.
I understand that it is hard for some to break away from this thinking as they have been raised
to believe it is the right way,I take their criticism on the chin,but I know that I am a good parent
After all my daughter's 2 sisters attend church willingly
But again look at the poll and you will see why I ask the question in the first place, 52-48% against forcing
her,that shows that there is no obviously "right" answer to the question.
It is a close call, like Obama and Clinton

Tales by moonlight, how romantic. And valentine's day just 48 hrs away
 
Romeo, sometimes u just have to give up for the sake of peace,
@mamaput :Even small things can be forgiven,such as misunderstanding.
I wasn't aware that any faeces had hit any electric equipment, but I am not going to get involved and belittle myself,
neither should u. Be cool   and show love to at least one person every day, you will live longer, trust me  

No Romeo,I did not!And would not ,I love my fellow woman
Which is why I am extending a hand of friendship to mamaput and hopefully
end all this nonsense.
mamaput u are prob right that people here are younger than you and I,although I don't know how
old u are, at 34 I am too old to be scrapping with a woman I do not know.We should set example
for younger generation eh?
And as Christians have a more forgiving heart.
What do u say?

This woman is truly beyond belief,because I do not talk about pre paid card.
And u call me stupid
I am in love with my husband as though I met him yesterday,let alone 2 and half years.
Maybe that is your problem,you want me to talk as though I was bored or unhappy or stuck in r/ship.
Some women love to hear of another woman's misery
What kind of human being are you to waste your time on someone u think is stupid?
I did not give out my husbands name. Get your facts straight put, I cannot call u mama,that is compliment not fitting u.
You spend your time on net talking to white married women,maybe too much time.
I will no longer dignify u with a response put, life is too short.
God bless

@mamaput, it seems that I have to put you straight again.
Firstly I did not say that you should have been called nigger yourself,but that Germany as a whole has a problem with racism,just as the uk does.Can you honestly tell me that blacks have never been attacked or murdered there simply because of the colour of their skin?
Is there not a neo nazi movement there? Maybe you are the white woman after all and not me
Secondly I do not have a problem with Nigerians referring to me as Oyibo because they call my husband that as well as he is a fair skinned black man,but a black man all the same.It is exactly the same in Jamaica so I am used to it.
I spoke out to Leilah because she posted here and said that I was in the same boat  as her,surely I have a right to reply,just as other posters did to her.And I very much doubt that anyone could keep your mouth shut
I feel sorry for you having such a bitter heart.
You seem to enjoy pointing out my short comings, and yet you do not even know me
I do not care what you think of me and I will not loose sleep over it.Actually it amuses me that you have such opinions.
I know that I will never be a Nigerian and I don't try to be.I am proud of who I am,but as I am married to a Nigerian and we are raising a family I feel it is the right thing to do to adopt his culture,while keeping a tight reign on my own
One thing I am very secure about is the fact that my children will always be accepted in Nigeria by their family and people in their father's village.
It was very ignorant of you to state otherwise.My in laws love the children as they are a part of themselves,and hardly lost,they could find their way to the village on their own by now as they know it well and it knows them

Lastly I do thank my God, for giving me such a wonderful life.
Romeo I will mention you to my other sister

Frando29 ty for that last comment,it was very refreshing.This has become an area of spite for some it seems.
I do have a sister I will see what she says
@ leilah you need to check back over what I posted to you personally and see that I did not say anything about you that incited negative comments from other posters. I am certainly not in competition with you,I would not be in your shoes for the world!
Just because I do not put up with the nonsense you do doesn't mean you have to get nasty,you said yourself your husband was probrably only after green card.If his people respect you as his wife then they should knock his head for hitting you.God help any man who touches one of my daughters >:
And lastly I call myself YVSKC (the initials of my children,it might mean nothing to you but it is a nic I cannot forget )
@mamput you have said that you believe that I am a liar. And that you have a life. What a contradiction,why does it bother you so much?
I never said that I was better than Leilah for being mixed race,even the quote that you pulled from me didn't say that. I said that I am not in the same boat as her as I am a black woman,it doesn't make me a better person,just that I believe that my marriage is on a different level as I can relate to my husband as a person of colour. Has Leilah ever had to deal with living in a country that discriminates against you because of the colour of your skin?Both me and my husband have,despite the fact that I was born in the UK.
You of all people should know living in Germany,the racist incidents there are many are they not?
You ask me what village I am from.Go and ask the white man who took my ancestors into slavery and across to Jamaica and let me know.I do not know which is why I try to embrace the Nigerian culture and let my children know where they come from.
Even Leilah going to Nigeria would never have faced racism,Nigerians and Africans as a whole are very welcoming to foreigners.
When I travel to Nigeria I hear Oyibo all the time,either that or German,but I do not take offence as it is not said with hatred the way Nigger is when it is said in the UK.
Let me clarify for you mamaput:
Yes I have 5 children all to my Igbo man,he wants one more to make it six.
Yes he is a good husband and I am a good wife,didn't I say that I was lucky?
I never said I didn't cook,to the contrary I said I do cook the food (in my opening thread).What I said was my husband cooks for me.And his food is much sweeter than mine
Ofcourse I speak to his mother,how can I be in her home and not speak to her?She understands and speaks English to a limited degree.
Thank you for giving a break down of my life so far,yes we had our first children when I was 21,and we have been married 15 years in April, and before you start with the assumptions let me tell you we did not have to get married I was not pregnant then.
But you are right in one thing,why after all this time do I worry?And the simple answer is that we want to move back home eventually for life. My husband has just bought land in the village which is what has prompted my query.When I am living in Nigeria permanently how will I cope?
I hope that I have made sense because I found your comments insulting to say the least

Once again thank you to everyone for the contributions to the debate.
Almondjoy ty for the support and kind words.
I am proud to say that my daughter is an intelligent girl and I do not punish her for saying that she is an atheist.
I believe that God has given us all free will for a reason so who am I to judge?
The question about her not being left alone while the rest of the family are at church,I appreciate the concern but I feel that my daughter is responsible to be left in the home for a couple of hours on her own at age 13.In the uk a 14 year old can legally babysit.And what of 13 year old single mothers who have to supervise their own young?
That is off the subject but I wanted to clear that point up.And it has not been every sunday as I have asked her to come to church with us most of the time.
I do try to show her examples of being a Christian in everyday life rather than expecting her to listen to sermons that she find it hard to relate to.
I have asked her why she does not believe and she said that she finds parts of the bible difficult to comprehend,such as the miracles and stories in the old testament.
I have tried to put a different interpretation on it to make it easier for her to understand the message in the Bible.
I am hoping that it is a phase

lol that's true

babyo ty for the comment. yvskc are the initials of my children
my husband calls me onyinyechi as he says that means more to him than my english name
true say what if can mess with your head

Babyosisi and Lady t I think that you are both being unfair in your comments and I wonder if you are mothers yourselves?
Firstly ladyt I have not lost control of my daughter,she respects me as much as I do her which is why I am here.She doesn't kick and fuss,but says quietly that she does not believe.It would be easier to force a child who was having a tantrum,much easier to put my foot down with a child who was being unreasonable.
And babyosisi my husband is a very decent man who has a strong belief in God.He does attend church with his family and offer encouragement.He loves our daughter.It is difficult for him as when he grew in Nigeria God and church were all he knew.Which is the difference with growing in the West, you are more likely to be surronded by non believers.
I continue to pray for her

once again lots of good advice,and just as conflicting as my own train of thoughts have been along
I have given her the same argument that if she has to go to school then she has to come to church,but the last thing I want to do is to build resentment in her so that when she becomes an adult she will definately decide not to go to church.
My church is very mixed,ages,races etc She also attends a church school with her twin sister (who has no problem going to church)
Maybe this is the problem.As a twin fighting for her own identity although I have always differentiated between them on all levels.
At school they have no choice about attending services etc
The teen pregnancy is a bit of the mark. I know my daughter and I know what she is capable of.When she is not at church she is at home.We usually return from church within 2 hours anyway.I trust her as I know her.

[/color]loads of banging and in an english woman
[color=Black]would u care to clarify your point dee02?

thank u again romeo and faketan for your encouraging words.
I will always try my best to maintain a happy home.
@ crazyt congratulations on the success of your marriage.Your wife sounds like a lovely woman and I am sure that giving you two sons has helped to endear her to your mother,I know how much value is put on having a son!
I have always felt a strong connection to Africa and I truly believe that my roots lie in Nigeria because I feel so at home there. My baby boy is Chukwubuikem and God is the strength in my very happy marriage.

ty again people for your reassurance etc
@ Romeo I may want advice from those willing to give but there is no way I would take it if they are telling me to run away from my husband
In all the time I have been with my husband only one person has told him to leave me,that was before our marriage.
He said that it could not work and my husband cut him off totally.
We want to settle in Nigeria when retirement comes and I suppose I could always wait to learn it when I am living there permanently
Or live in blissful ignorance
For that reason I want my sons to be secondary schooled in Nigeria.So they can at least hear the language of their father.

@4him I have identical twin daughters and they were my first babies!
They were not my first pregnancy as I lost my first baby when I was 11weeks pregnant. I was devastated but then God sent me two the next time around!
Having twins for the first time was not easy as the pregnancy was very difficult with a lot of sickness,they say double the hormones but caring for two babies was no harder than caring for one and they always get so much attention as they are so alike.
When we were on holiday a Japanese couple asked to take their photo as twins are very rare in Japan,but I have always been told that in Nigeria twins are quite common.
I have 5 children now,and my husband wants 6 altogether as we are both from big families. With my recent pregnancy last year I was praying for twins again so that I could finish!
When the twins were babies I was told by a Nigerian lady that the mother of twins is a woman who will be a very lucky woman in life, and 13 years later I have to say that my life so far has been full of good fortune.

I would say the fact that she is asking is a clear indication that she is NOT in love.
When you are in love you know! It may not be the right person but you know that you love them.If it is the right person and they love you back there is nothing better in the whole world!
It is like having a child.That love comes naturally (for most),but it is just strong feelings of wanting to give and be close to and share.
When you look at the person you love you want to do all you can to make them happy.In fact just looking at them gives you joy.
When you are in love there are still times of stress and arguments with your other half, but you overcome them together with give and take.
I hope she comes to her own conclusions in time.

This is a very interesting topic.
I hear what you are saying about self esteem,but surely if the nigerian 10 year old were so down trodden they could not then grow up to be a dominant adult.
We are a product of our environment for sure. I live in the Uk, and our culture is not dissimilar to the US where children's rights are very much taken care of.I have seen the difference in the 10 year old Nigerian and the 10 year old English child and I have to say that it was a pleasant change to be around a child who was respectful,polite and who BEHAVED like a child and not a mini adult!
I work in a school with 11-16 year olds who will think nothing of telling a teacher to shut up to their face,or will refuse to stop using their mobile phone in class.
These children will interupt two adults who are having a conversation and EXPECT to be heard! It is wrong and we are paying the price.
I have come to believe that children here should again be beaten in school as punishment for their wrong doing.
It seems to be just the UK and US who have this wide spread problem with children being disrespectful. In other cultures for example Asian or West Indian,children are brought up in a similar way to Nigerian children.
I believe that if ALL children are treated the same all of the time then their self esteem will not damaged.If all children expect to be beaten for being rude etc then they have nothing to compare and complain about.
In England you are not ALLOWED to beat your own child,and if you do they can report you to the police,can you believe that?!Children have too many rights here and they know it which is why in the UK children rule the roost and the streets terrorising older people.Ofcourse not all children here behave like that,but I can guarantee the ones who know how to behave are being brought up with strict morals and know their place.
That does not mean I agree with cruelty or beating for the sake of it.
Children should be happy and loved to make them decent human beings,but they also need to learn to be respectful of their elders,who were after all, children themselves once.

When you allow a woman to pay on a date you take something from her,i.e cashflow.
But she takes something supposedly more precious; your MANHOOD!
Shame on you advertising yourself like that, and shame on any woman who would settle for a man unwilling to treat her like a lady
The only time a woman should pay is when that man is her husband/partner and she does it out of love.

ty chychy and busta, your words are wise and right.
I am otherwise very happy in my marriage and know that I am a lucky woman

You are absolutely right Leilah that true love holds no boundaries which is why we are able to meet and love men from outside our culture. I didn't mean to offend you in any way.I just say it the way I see it.
In London where I have been born and bred I have come to know many Nigerians (mostly yoruba until marrying my Igbo),through friendships,work,etc.
I cannot claim the same as you that plenty of the men treat their women badly.If you saw this aspect in naija men why attatch yourself to one?
I'm not criticizing you as I'm not in your shoes but the thing that drew me toward my husband in the first place was how well he and his friends treated their women.
The respect shown is enormous.I believe this is mostly due to the strong spiritual life these men lead in general. If you love God then it should not be possible to hurt the one you love.
An outsider I may be but I know that being black helps,it's like something in common from the start if you like.We have experienced a lot of the same things because of our skin colour,like racism.I know you can experience that too,I have an Irish mother who suffered a lot in London in the 60's.
If you want to be with a decent Nigerian man rather than the one who treats you so badly it's never late,remember the majority ARE good.You were unlucky.
By the way I said I didn't believe in divorce because I am catholic but there are certain instances where I believe you should be able to leave that marriage such as domestic violence.You only have one life to lead,why give it to someone else to trash?
Peace

ty da junta, giving up alcohol will not be a sacrifice for me though as I am breast feeding and not drinking alcohol anyway!
Stimulus I am not quite sure why u bothered to reply if you do not follow the Lent tradition.My question was aimed at those Christians who respect Lent and feel it is their duty to abstain or fast as a sign of their devotion in preparation for Easter.

ty imhotep, that is a brilliant way to look at it.
It sounds as though you are trying hard as you are honest enough to admit your fault.
I will take a long,hard look at myself and decide what my biggest fault is.

I think you are right. The reason that I was concerned is that whenever we go to a party or his town meeting etc his friends and family are all married to Igbo people and they are able to converse without changing to English.
Whenever I go to Nigeria his family treat me so well,but they always change to English and interpret for his parents who do not speak English so well.
They do not make me feel like an outsider but there is a limit to how involved I can become when I do not understand Igbo.
I see how excited he becomes when he is with his town guys and they laugh and shout and I don't understand a word of what is going on! His father has told him times without number to teach me Igbo but so far all he has taught me is Kedu which I picked up on my own!

I am a catholic and today is Ash Wednesday,the start of Lent.
I do not know what to give up for Lent.
I told my husband I may give him up for Lent and be celibate for 40 days,I don't think he liked the idea very much!
It should be something that will be a great sacrifice,but what? Any ideas?

shallom my brother. We are very active within our church and the children have been attending from a very young age. I work in a school so that I can spend holidays off with my children.
The church that we go to has lots of young people and they are encouraged to take part in the worship.
I ask my daughter to pray with us at home, and even if she doesn't want to say the words to at least be with us as a family member and to listen to what is being said out of respect for our faith.

TY again almondjoy, leilah and 4him. Leilah I have to say my brother is right I am not in the same boat as you, nor would I like to be. I do put myself first as AJ quite rightly stated. I love my man but before him and me come our child and if I am unhappy then the child will be unhappy right?
My Igbo man is a King and as such he treats me like a Queen,he would never lay a hand on me, and I would never tolerate that.
I know it's not easy when you are in the situation but wise up and get out I say.
A beast he is and a beast he will stay.Unfortunately some black men that are married to white ladies are unable to respect them in the same way that they would a black woman. I know, my parents are mixed and my father has now re-married to a black lady who he has much higher regard for.
That's how I'm unlike you too, I may be 'English' but I am a (mixed race) black woman.
Almondjoy my man can cook! He tells me that if we were at home his mother would flog him for cooking for me all the time,and that she would want me to cook all his meals. I cook too,but my husband only EVER wants to eat naija food.I can cook some but not as well as him, and the Jamaican food I cook well,he does eat it but not all the time.He is a real back home boy!

Is it worth becoming a vegetarian? what kind of food can you eat without getting bored or feeling weak?

Yes we read the bible and pray every night before going to bed.I believe it is the influence of her peer group.I believe that the family that prays together stays together.
I try my best,but as she is growing she is developing her own ideas about the world.I believe that she will come back to God in the end.

My daughter does not want to go to church and says that she is an atheist. It has been going on for about 6 months.

I feel it is my Christian duty to bring my children up in the church, but is there any point in forcing her if she doesn't want to go?

Will this turn her away from God even more. She is 13 years old.

thank you for the replies people. almond joy don't you know that Igbo men make the best husband material? Even Yoruba women tell me that. I hear what you are saying about worry being self inflicted, wahala from me,not him. I need no back up plan.
I am catholic,my marriage has no get- out clause. If it fails then I am still married to him regardless of whether we are physically together.I worry because I believe that when you love someone you should want the best for them
TY for the advice


Is it only Igbo men that get into these kinds of situations--on Nairaland or are they the most desirable?

. Just have a back up plan that's all--a perfect getaway plan and package, as you would do with any other man from any other race or country in this planet.