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Family / Re: Alternatives To Spanking Children And Dealing With Rebellious Tweens And Teens, by ZIMDRILL(m): 2:07am On May 28, 2023 |
KanwuliaExtra: i thought i were going to share the alternative As someone who grown up in africa and from an average family, average i mean without toys and then moved to the west in my very late 20s i have observed few things that can be used as alternative In africa, deny the child to go play with others and explain the basic of action and consequences (the problem with most african parent we assume that kids have good memory in remembering do and donts) not realising thats kids are kids they quickly forget hence u beat him/her now 5mins later i can quickly bribe him/her with cuddle and they forget about the beating, my point there is a certain age they repeat the same mistake over and over nomatter how many times you have spoke to them about it. For those with toys and gadgets take those away as punishment eh play station the mobile phone etc, if the tv is connected to cable tv disconnect Take away things that they love For me my time, mu gadget was a brick, push it imagining that it is a bus the disdavantage with our parents was they could take away the brick, i could always find another one, but being stopped from playing with others was a killer Todays kids take away access to being online or those gadgets but we shouldnt reward them for things that there supposed to do as part of learning responsibility eg washing, cooking cleaning etc 2 Likes |
Family / Re: Is It Ok For A Guy To Be Living With His Parents At Age 32-39 ? by ZIMDRILL(m): 12:23am On May 28, 2023 |
JILF: this is a sensetive issue to most people but simple in logic to those who want to reason without the bias they have been fed by both accepted social norm and what low income family would say. Then few impact if applied blindly 1 Regardless of your parent being low in come or middleclass, if they teach you to save to buy land or a house while at home, regardless of your age (excluding someone who is already married) then there is nothing wrong to be at living with parents at 33 while you save your own money to have your own place The problem is that most parents who chase their kids away using the age reason or not are due to finance and accomodation, usually if you are contributing financially and parents are benefiting they wouldnt want to you leave and accomodation this usually due not having enough space to accomodate a grown up man, its usually easy squeeze young children in one room, its hard to squeeze in grown up who are also sexual active. Hence you are encourage to leave to have your own personal space and freedom but its not like they want you start learning life on your own, but its that sharing a small space with someone who is grown up 2 From a middleclass family, children are usually encourage to save while at home, so that they raise money for mortagage or buying land and by the time they leave home, they have enough for the deposit of a house, hense no need to ask you to leave when you can save while at parents home, usually middle class you are not squeezes in a tiny space. There encourage not to go out there and suffer when there is neatly room for you 3 The age mentioned 32-39 is not only good when you are married, usually they will be a clush between your wife and your mother. This is your mothers territory and she wants things her own way, its easier for the man to cope with his mother becoz he was raised by her and knows how to cope with her but its not the same story for the wife. So to avoid drama you are better off living alone with yout wife somewhere 4 Most people who have been groomed to think that living with yout parents at certain age is not good so we apply it to everyone instead of taking individual circumstances and consider if its good or not. Yes there are certain condition that usually creates disaster eg when you are married 5 Some parents want you to leave becoz they think being home will make not to worry or prepare or have your own place or home, fair point but i would argue that if the child was raised with the teaching of your having your own place, then what changed him? usually as parents we spend time buy expensive toys on our children instead of teaching them the right steps of life. When they fail due to our faults we simply blame the child 6 Conclusion there is no clear answer, we are all individuals with different circumstances, your circumstances apply to you as an individual and every parents attitude towards the subject differs from family to family, from social class to social class etc 3 Likes 2 Shares |
Family / Re: Why Do We Ignore Poor Loved Ones To Die, Then Start Contributing For Burial? by ZIMDRILL(m): 8:06am On May 25, 2023 |
Darlingme: like i said life and family drama are not simple as ABCD 14 Likes |
Family / Re: Does This Make Me A Polygamist by ZIMDRILL(m): 7:14am On May 25, 2023 |
CoolNL: being married to more than one wive at the same time 4 Likes |
Family / Re: Does This Make Me A Polygamist by ZIMDRILL(m): 7:10am On May 25, 2023 |
CoolNL: if the question sound confusing then i can safely say you still need to mature abit Your girl is way ahead in thinking or she seen situation like yours straining a relationship yes both mamas and fathers sometimes tend to became jelousy when their ex marries and create drama from nowhere as for polygamy you claim to grow in it but seem you dont know the meaning 22 Likes 1 Share |
Family / Re: Women Are Not Divorcing Men In Nigeria Enough! - Vash Offo by ZIMDRILL(m): 3:35am On May 25, 2023 |
nlfpmod: Mostly in africa and asia we have what we call SHAME CULTURES, you are shamed apon if you do things that are supported by customs and tradition, Divorce is of them, parents and relatives would rather see you endure your marriage than divorce, to them it brings shame to the family Then you find how society treats divorcees, soon she divorces and she is doing wel for herself society label her as prostitute and own success without a man in sight grand her the title a prostitute. In church a divorcee is the last person to be respected or given help So basically the woman would be too afraid to divorce herself she is afraid to shame her family and also afriad how society will treat her. A divorced man is treated better than a divorced woman and usually we have this quick to rush that the woman should have manage her husband no matter how bad it was. Women are taught to tolerate rubbish from husbands while men are taught send her packing and marry another one In simple terms most women are suffering in silent due to how society looks and treats divorced women so they rather endure the suffering Hence you find that when they move to western world they divorce their husbands, not becoz the western world has influence them but gave them the opportunity to walk away from toxic marriages that were held together by a shame culture. Look at the asians most indian and pakistan, divorces are very low due to shame culture and honor killing, women dont even dare to say they want to divorce There are circumstance were divorce is needed, i wouldnt want by daughter to come back in coffin I think the guy married his wife as trophy wife, aka you marry the most beautiful wife by appearance and everyone gives you thump up and also the fact that she is a doctor. But with all that you are also very insecure of beauty and her job. She either becames prisoner or less love and affection she is a trophy wife on display For those blaming the other gender (male or female) you are forgetting one thing, we behaviour and attitude as collective being eg igbo, yoruba or nigerians as whole are based on society's attitude towards eg its women ot how man are supposed to behave etc What i mean is this i have heard few people saying our girls have entitlement mentality, think deep who gave them the idea and promoted it? its men those who say i will look after you, the guy literally takeover responsibility of the girls parent. Now it became a measured standard that if a guy cant do ABCD is not man. Its the poor guys now who get laughed at and not the girl My point is society's behaviour is reflection on its self, you cannt blame one gender, if girls feel entitled who promoted that behaviour its men 1 Like |
Family / Re: My Wife's Family Calling My Son Another Name by ZIMDRILL(m): 5:39pm On May 24, 2023 |
JALOZIE: I think you are missing his point, giving a name to child is your own honour as parent If grandparent name child their are taking that honour away from you Grandparent had the opportunity have child and name them So why are you taking away that honour from these parents ? |
Family / Re: Why Do We Ignore Poor Loved Ones To Die, Then Start Contributing For Burial? by ZIMDRILL(m): 5:01pm On May 24, 2023 |
CLATHRIN: From a bible point of view i get you but reality,especially in africa christrians are even worse these days, they rash to five the papas in church in return double aka plant the seed What i have learnt and seen in the western world, most charities are not run by churches, but a fellow human, who has seen the need to help people in different situation (humanity) In west we have more charity organisations that the churches and are doing great With many churches in nigeria, how many charity organisations that are run by churches offer service to both its members and the public? Some churches have universities less than 2% are free scholar from both the church and poors families 4 Likes |
Family / Re: Why Do We Ignore Poor Loved Ones To Die, Then Start Contributing For Burial? by ZIMDRILL(m): 4:46pm On May 24, 2023 |
Darlingme: Life is a bit complex, as children we usually see life from our parents point view aka they tell you their own version of events and as children we believe them as their are the first people you trust There is a reason/s why he was neglected when he was alive, its only the dead and the other relatives that knows the truth Having a rich relatives does t make you rich too, we have gift in making money, if you are not gifted in making money in your gifted way, even if you are given millions you will blow as you wouldnt be gifted in also making wise decisions with money There are lots of people who have won the lottery, but failed to manage it and end up being broke more, having rich relatives does make you rich by default 12 Likes 3 Shares |
Family / Re: Is This Selfishness Or Not by ZIMDRILL(m): 2:14am On May 22, 2023 |
Skyview01: one main reason is stigma from society and family Let me give you example how manu wome women have been dumped or hubby gets a second wife after wife has gave birth to girls only ? So think of the stigma of just having girls and tha one adopting, she might called Not Real mother, statements like you dont know labour pain etc On hubby is the same, he can be called names for not even being able to have a child, not a real man for not able to have his own child Most africans shun from adopting strangers due to spiritual beliefs , what if the child is cursed, that a no ho area for most africans, hence you find that adopation laws in most african countries are hard, i think there are based on fear of bringing a curse into the family |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 9:44pm On May 20, 2023 |
IamAsiri: am not a religous person You how we differ, i dont resolve issues by beating people, i talk and irregardless of who you are, i rather say what i feel and dealt with, that dying inside with anger one of the reason why black africans we suffer from things like BP its becoz of anger we not allowed to talk simply becoz this person is an elder this and that 1 Like |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 7:28pm On May 20, 2023 |
IamAsiri: if my boss wrong me personal level, i will respond on personal level, if its about work it would be different lets not try to protect bad habit of in laws and suffer simply becoz you are daughteor or son i law period on the bible that one keep to yourself or fellow christians, not everyone uses the bible as a general guidance like you i dont i will ask you again who supposed to be more mature to avoid such talk irregardless that the message has been passed on nicely or not ? Even married people, sometimes hubby or wife s/he will go and see friends. Meaning even married couple they give each other space Learn to be missed so that u will be always welcome and to be always there and people end up being tired with u |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 12:58pm On May 20, 2023 |
Olril18: and the mother in law everyday visits ? |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 12:21pm On May 20, 2023 |
Olril18: Answer me this question Who is supposed to be more mature and well acknowledge of life ? son in law or mother in law |
Family / Re: Should I Renovate Our Family House? by ZIMDRILL(m): 1:24am On May 20, 2023 |
JungleJustice01: its a clear cut for me You brother is the one benefiting, since he the one living from it he should cut some of the money he is getting and put towards renovating and can you top up Look at this the house is like a cow for it to be able to produce milk it has to be looked after very well, his include buying feedin supplements for the cow for it to produce more milk, the milk is the money If there are no good grazing areas and supplements no milk will be produced, aka bad looking house or rooms result in less rent to charge its not rocket science 6 Likes |
Family / Re: Children Out Of Wedlock Experience by ZIMDRILL(m): 5:45pm On May 19, 2023 |
Husbandmany: pliz give us yo full story which had you think like that what benefit do you have from having kids outside wedlock |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 4:07pm On May 19, 2023 |
Jodera: i agree with you that both are wrong the problem am having with most people is their busy bashing the guy without also addressing the bad habit of the mum some are busy putting attachment issues, the your own mum theory etc Reality here based on common general rule whos should be wiser here ? the hubby or mother in law ? if the question is answered TRUTHFULLY then we know who is the problem Were i came from we say, "if you play too long with children, they end seeing you as one of them (a child) and when they start to call you by name dont cry foul" 1 Like |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 3:00pm On May 19, 2023 |
fxexperts: dont jump into conclusion, its called giving space why most people are rushing o conclude that he doesnt not want them at his house, he want them but not everyday |
Family / Re: Mom Or Mother Inlaw, Who Would You Prefer To Live With You? by ZIMDRILL(m): 6:42am On May 19, 2023 |
Unseen: Forgot to put NONE the rest i was explaining what i would take as an exception and views why am against in laws |
Family / Re: Rise In Divorce Among Nigerian Couples After Relocating To UK by ZIMDRILL(m): 5:50am On May 19, 2023 |
vickydevoka: i dont know were most african get this infor that people in the west do 50/50 if both 50/50 where does the other 50 go to ? The western world is designed this way If two people are married and want mortagage and want finish it early, it advised to put you salaries together to reduce the number of years you would spend on mortgage, the two salaries give you that opportunity to finish early So basically you are all putting 100% each not 50/50 how they calculate is the two salaries are taken as house hold income minus all your expenses So two salaries are better than one Then on chores, that depends on each family dynamics and its not 50/50, women still do most of the work becoz most families still have those traditional roles in their families. There are certain dynamics that most africa based people will never understand untill they move here and see for themselves eg most nurse hours are 12 hour shifts so 7am -7pm so imagine hubby does a 9-5 job while wife does 7am -7pm so hubby will get home before wife, if hubby want proper african food, it mean wife will have to stand for another average 2 hrs on top of the 12 hr shift if they have kids, kids needs bathing, home work etc on top of that hubby wants sex remember this western world, even the middleclass cant afford a maid, with this dynamic step up, if hubby doesnt step in helping it will affect their marriage either one has to cut working hours as way to maintain traditional roles aka wife doing traditional house chores and hubby doing his Even when both are doing 9-5, when you have kids, they need to be dropped and picked from skol, meaning you have to fork out money for breakfast club and after skol care all these needs transparent in terms of salaries in the home Whereas in africa half of our women are housewives period and we can afford cheap labour of maid, there woman in africa has no clue how tiring is a 12hr shift, ahe thinks the western lady is just being lazy 1 Like |
Family / Re: Life Humbled Many Parents Who Thought Their Children Were Better Than Others by ZIMDRILL(m): 5:14am On May 19, 2023 |
Nice2023: you missed my point my point is sometimes we spent time and effort on material things while we forget to teach things, especially things you found out later in life that if own parents had taught you or advised you, you would be far way better or mastered something ealier etc 1 Like |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 4:54am On May 19, 2023 |
IamAsiri: please lets not be biased becoz it was a parent at wrong who is supposed to be wiser here, its the son in law or the mother in law? i keep repeating myself, unless the mother in law lived far away from general population were you have chance to see other mistakes people do in marriages then i might accept her ignorance of daily visits But however, becoz she is now a mother in law i believe she has liver enough to understand the dynamics couples with their respective in laws So my question is who should be wiser here, the husband who is likely to be the same age as her own daughter or the mother in law ? Who has observed and seen more marriage dynamics the husband or mother in law? Food for thought |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 4:41am On May 19, 2023 |
IamAsiri: 1 i wouldnt allow my mother to visit me everyday for what ? if my father is alive she should with him or with own friends 2 why are only focusing only on the guy, the mother in law should know better, unless her own mother in law was like and learnt it from her 3 whats that important that they need to see each other everyday, wife should find a hobby or make friends of her own |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 4:35am On May 19, 2023 |
IamAsiri: Read again i mentioned regular as exception not everyday as mentioned in the thread attachment my arse, like i have asked few people does the mother in law's mother visit her everyday because of attachment ? |
Family / Re: Mom Or Mother Inlaw, Who Would You Prefer To Live With You? by ZIMDRILL(m): 3:30am On May 19, 2023 |
ChybuzzDD: very true, the same a man can do, gang up on his wife with his mum reality is sometimes we feel that he and his mum are ganging up or she and her mum are ganging up so to avoid this thoughts let the two mother not be around, visits yes and with exception of illness |
Family / Re: Mom Or Mother Inlaw, Who Would You Prefer To Live With You? by ZIMDRILL(m): 3:19am On May 19, 2023 |
Workch: yourself, before you choose who to live with between your mother and mother in law, did your own mother or your mother in law lived with their mother or mother in laws? and was it really ok for them, under normal circumstances whereby they their own homes and are not sick The reason am asking is this there are mothers and mother in laws who want to live with their married children but they wouldnt want to live with their mothers and mother in laws in their own married houses Then why would think its ok to for their own children to take them in when themselves wouldnt want to live in the same condition |
Family / Re: Mom Or Mother Inlaw, Who Would You Prefer To Live With You? by ZIMDRILL(m): 3:03am On May 19, 2023 |
Unseen: NONE if there is no illness they should stay at their homes and play with their age mates period The rest is regular visits The honest truth is no daughter in law or son in law what to stay with in laws for a long time. Your freedom to be yourself is capped when their around, you would act and behave to pliz them, there are certian things that can be fine with your and hubby/wife but wont be tolerated by in laws due to generational gap So let not determine personal/couples freedom it important for a couples No matter how good is your in laws, your relaxation with them and while with hubby/wife is total different |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 2:50am On May 19, 2023 |
Skyview01: i agree with you mate 1 Like |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 1:33am On May 19, 2023 |
sharone21: lets not put scenarios that were not given like load work etc look at this her everyday visit suggest that this couple is newly weds, there sex wise they want to experiement eg during the day not at night with lights off for me i can not be forced to change the times i want sex by a third person, the frustration can be too much eg wait until mums go back to her house |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 11:06pm On May 18, 2023 |
PROPEACE: most people are being biased simply becoz of attachment to parents and fear of telling parents the truth. Except for those who live with their fathers and mothers, the rest how often does your maternal grandmother visits your mother? is it everyday ? most would say not everyday The one of the reason why grandmother doesbt visit your mum everyday, is letting her live het own life while granny live hers while regular visit are there NOT everyday visits 1 Like |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 10:35pm On May 18, 2023 |
IamAsiri: ok lets say he wasnt trained well to address issues, but what do we say about the mother in law? wasnt she also trained well too, everyday visit i wouldnt like them too The way i see, the fact she is now a mother in law, age and mature wise she should know better. The only reason i would accept for mother in law doing regular visits is when the son in law is loaded and she is coming to enjoy the life style |
Family / Re: What I Did To My Mother-in-law by ZIMDRILL(m): 7:17pm On May 18, 2023 |
Romanoff: i said it earlier to someone, lets say thats how he talks to his mother aka direct talk then what? Does the way he talks to his mother changes the mother in law coming everyday ? NO telling someone my thought of their actions is not being rude or disrespecting Nope problem is that again culture and tradition has groomed us to accept bullshit from elder without considering how whoever is view as young or son/daughter in law feels and this has been passed on generation to generation those talking of omugwo, its culture and tradition i respect that but also you can do it without her if you want unfortunately for most we cant think outside the box becoz were groomed not think outside the box Hence we see thoughts and view of such people are undermined and the undermined cant wait until they get to thats position where they abuse the position of being an elder etc What is wrong in telling an elder that whatever their doing is not good for you ? In this case the mother in law was asked to reduce her daily visits Not as most people are rushing to conclude to say she has been asked not come anymore Then those who are saying, its her only daughter etc and so, mother in law should be chilling with her agemates 1 Like 1 Share |
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