Facts in the World , nice facts Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your Tongue Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it. Fact 3: Fact1 is false Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha, Fact 4: Now u are laughing !!! bcoz u became a fool !!! Fact 5: you want to fool ur friends also, so forward this soon

Hello, pls I'm sorry to border u but it's urgent. I've a friend coming from far and needs a place to stay since he'll be around, so i've indicated your house. Pls receive and love him. , His name is Jesus Christ of Nazareth. He is already at the door knocking. Say this slowly, Jesus i love u and i need u. Clean my heart with your blood and make it pure. Send this to your friends and people special to you. You will experience a wonderful miracle before the end of this month because you are announcing Jesus to your friends. if u think the death of Jesus Christ is for nothing ignore this message but if u believe that he died for u 2 prosper in every thing u do send this message 2 every one in ur list. God is Great, all the time.

When you try to call someone through mobile phone, don't put your mobile closer to your ears until the recipient answers. Because directly after dialing, the mobile phone would use it's maximum signaling power, which is: 2watts = 33dbi Please Be Careful Message as received (Save your brain) Please use left ear while using cell (mobile), because if you use the right one it will affect brain directly. This is a true fact from medical team. Please forward to all your well wishers

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager
had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager
would look and find the old man staring every time. When the
teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."

Policeman testifies in court,

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility,

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity!

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, Stupider now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There are drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with MouthAction. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in MouthAction. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice MouthAction, we should reward those who = refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?








Mind u letters from God can never be delayed, u can only knw wat it contained if u received one urself, so if up till now u dnt knw the contents then

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you".
The hippie says that he'd love to know.
So the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up.
At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT , first you must have sex with me.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church.
The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

christino u funny but remember most of your story are not original., though i must admit it's been great company

hey landers did u just hear hineck charrrrman addressed the nation on the resullt of the elections?? he said and i quote "by d power given to me dis 21st day of April 2007". ahhhhhhhh , wetin, ,che he mean say d result was ready b4 d election.

U know the relationship between two eyes, ? they blink together, they move together, they cry together, they see things together and they sleep together BUT THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER, that's what's friendship !!! If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something happened, would you come?, If I had one day left to live my life, would you be part of my last day?, If I needed a shoulder to cry on, would you give me yours? This is a test to see who is your real friend or just someone that talks to you when they are bored. . .

The Greatest Man in History Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master. Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer. He had no army, yet kings feared Him. He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world. He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him. He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today. I feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us! If you believe in God and in Jesus Christ His Son , send this to all on your buddy list , if not just ignore it. If you ignore it, just remember that Jesus said , "If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven."

Ain't they lovely?

Our Baba who art in Aso Rock Balogun of Owu is thy name. Thy handover shall soon come thy will has been done in Umaru and Goodluck. Leave us this May 29th, your departure date. Lead us not into anarchy. Forgive Turaki his disloyalty as we forgave your failed third term plot Deliver him from INEC hammer for Otta is thy destination, with all that is thine thy bag and thy baggage forever and ever just go ooo Amen

@ Rareman,

I'm not a clown, none of all the jokes here was written by me, i get them from friends all around the world and dump them in here. (copy and paste).

Thanks for the ,

Guys u no go kill me with laughter wow.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? 4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? hehehe, 5. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 6. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? 7. Why is it called building when it is already built? 8. If a book about failures sells, is it a success? 9. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots? 10. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 11. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this

A friend sent me this mail a while back and i love it.
Read and make your comment

THE BEST E-MAIL OF THE YEAR!!!!! (HA.HA.HA)
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he
Prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my
wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through,
so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set
out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their
lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry
cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make
a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mopthe kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able
to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months,though. You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year !
If you agree, send it to all your friends who would enjoy this?

I just did !

A Bad Day at Work,

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won:

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment that sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now, this all sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's fantastic, it's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This, of course, only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bottom started to feel a burning sensation. I pulled the hose out from my back, thinking that maybe the water was too hot, but the damage was done.

In agony, I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it directly into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I had scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish, and all of its poisonous, stinging tentacles, into the crack of my bottom.

I immediately informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my bottom was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bottom.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.

christinao i love you so very mush and because of you, i neva sleep since 10:30pm yestaday i begin to browze. According to you, i love you so (Love is like the rain, at first, you go out into it willingly and dance, but once you are soaked down to the skin, you realize how cold it can truly be, and Suppose one morning you don't wake up. Do all your friends know you love them? I was thinking, a man could die today, tomorrow or next week, and wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said. Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do. And just in case God calls me home. I LOVE YA!!! Send this to anyone you love, and send it back to me if you truly love me). Abeg make you dey post more of these joke for the sakes of people like me wey dey enjoy you. No mind spikelord wey say you copy him joke, abi they stamp him name for the joke or wetin? Make e go report you to Nigerian home video, abi you sure say tis guy himself no be photocopy of one creature from aj city?

Thanks June et al.

We are in this together ---> up up Nairaland!

Just recieved this one

you might have heard it before tho, i just like it

Our Baba who art in Aso Rock Balogun of Owu is thy name. Thy handover shall soon come thy will has been done in Umaru and Goodluck. Leave us this May 29th, your departure date. Lead us not into anarchy. Forgive Turaki his disloyalty as we forgave your failed third term plot Deliver him from INEC hammer for Otta is thy destination, with all that is thine thy bag and thy baggage forever and ever just go ooo Amen

Very soon…………… Very Very soon. I say Very Very soon……………. God is going to do a miracle that will make you halla…. “aaaahhhhh! Father you are too much” And He will just laugh and say, son, I am just beginning with you. If you believe say amen and pass it on to every one in your list.

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.

Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

Nice one

Nice jokes!

OBASANJO, ABACHA, and BABANGIDA are in a boat in the LAGOS ISLAND, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket. OBJ says: "Let's do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. BABANGIDA and ABACHA get one vote each; OBJ gets six.

VICE President ATIKU died and knocked at the Gates OF HEAVEN. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, ATIKU ABUBAKAR". "What bad things did you do on Earth?" ATIKU thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't INHALE . I guess I had some affairs with Genevive, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very HOT, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze.

As you step into the Month of May, you shall receive your expectations, if you believe this then don't hesitate to share this among your colleques

Got dem here http://eaglesdigestmag.com

Sank you, sank you, my pellow Naijurians por ze goodwill messages.
I want to sank you por not boting por me as fresident of ze Pederal Refublic of Naijuria. But I received ze most imfortant botes prom Fresident Obasanjo and INEC. Zis is why I have now been declared ze winner of ze elections and ze fresident-elect of ze Pederal Refublic of Naijuria. Nagode to Obasanjo and nagode to INEC, for zia beri beri imfortant suffort.

Ze pirst task of my new gwament is to fray por feace and stability in Naijuria. I will now ask all ze depeated fresidential candidates to join me in a gwament of national unity. So I will bring back my priends like Atiku, General Babangida and Buhari into my new gwament.

I sink Atiku will be good as ze new head of ze EFCC. Fresident Obasanjo should not worry about my gwament frobing him, gaskiya, at least until apter May 29. Babangida will be ze new minister por pinance, and Buhari will be in charge of ze ministry of War Against Indiscifline.

My fipul, ze task bepore us is a great one, walahi talahi. I don't know where to start, but I want to ashuwa you zat I will act in consultation with all ze emirs and imams.

I am now going to Germany por treatment por exhaustion prom making zis sfeech. I shall be back por ze swearing in ceremony, insha Allahu.

One Nigeria, one Fee-Di-Fee, Fower to ze fipul.
Umaru Yar'Adua

Haba---I didnt read anything like that in the Papers!

Chris Hmmmm--Where U get ur tory from?

Christino:


Ze pirst task of my new gwament is to fray por feace and stability in Naijuria. I will now ask all ze depeated fresidential candidates to join me in a gwament of national unity. So I will bring back my priends like Atiku, General Babangida and Buhari into my new gwament.


My fipul, ze task bepore us is a great one, walahi talahi. I don't know where to start, but I want to ashuwa you zat I will act in consultation with all ze emirs and imams.

I am now going to Germany por treatment por exhaustion prom making zis sfeech. I shall be back por ze swearing in ceremony, insha Allahu.

One Nigeria, one Fee-Di-Fee, Fower to ze fipul.
Umaru Yar'Adua

The Funny Parts!