A blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, the blonde calls the laundry detergent company and says" I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!

A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

A blonde women started to work at a school as a teacher. It came to break time, and while she was on duty she noticed a girl standing on her own and thought nothing of it. Later in the day when lunch time came she noticed the same girl on her own again, while other children were enjoying a game of football. She decided to go over to the girl and asked her if she was alright, the girl replied "Yes" and the teacher said "Why are you always on your own here?" to which the girl replied "Because I'm the goalie!"

A man enters into a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him "What do you want to drink sir?" The customer points out to a guy laying on the floor and replies "Whatever that guy was drinking."

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said, PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda Hot. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her Arrow. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest LovePeddler in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the LovePeddler and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest LovePeddler in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the LovePeddler, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We’ll grab her, " said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5.per word. She thinks for a moment and says "Fred's dead." The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. She' says "Okay, Fred's dead; Buick for sale"

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies… The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn’t handle it anymore so they buried her.

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?

"IN HIS TIME, HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL"


Have a great WEEKEND

A True Story

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in
Love with a guy who was a cleaner.

When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not
Like it at all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes
For a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two
Lovers but could not find them.

At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in
A local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will
Allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you love each other
Truly."

So in this way, their love won and they returned home.

The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was
Dressed in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the
Other  Side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died
On the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometimes that
She recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the very
Next day because he died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an
Old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the
Guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother
Ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.
Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in
Fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash
The  Clothes which have blood stains immediately.

She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had
The same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.

Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady
Gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something
Terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the
Stains,  And the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.
She was very tired.

In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home,
Someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old
Lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up,  and gave her a blue box, which
Shocked the girl. She asked "What is this, ?"
The old lady replied,
>
>
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>
>
>"Omo Washing powder,  it will remove all
>stubborn stains!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !" , >,
>,
>, 
>,
>,
I know how you all are feeling now,  I have been through this too.
But don't look at me like that ,  I'm also hunting for the idiot who mailed this to me!
Please go back to work no vex .

A South Indian Student on his first day at school in USA
It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton,to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!" and Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.



Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.




The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."



Mom fainted!

Honeymoon.
I'm still cracking up

Bayo once asked his dad to tell him what he does with his fingers. His father said the thumb turns pages of books, the second finger points to whatever you want, the fourth wears the wedding ring and the little finger is used to pick your nose. “But”, he cautioned, “I’ll tell you what the middle finger is meant for after your marriage”. Bayo was satisfied with that and time past. On his wedding day, after the ceremony, Bayo went to have a talk with Papa. He said “dad, I’ve waited many years to know what the middle finger does” His father drew close to him and whispered: “Bayo, tonight you will make hot love to your wife. When you become tired and your woman turns to you asking for more, that's when you take your middle finger, you poke on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep u silly woman.

Please vote for this Young Nigerian Artiste on BBC.

We can do it again>

http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/thenextbigthing/tnbt_vote.shtml

"A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

cool jokes

Aboard an Italian airline from London, an American turns to his Nigerian co passenger & says hey! Let’s play a fun game, I will ask u a question if u don’t know d answer u give me $5 & vice-versa. The Nigerian is already too tired & just wants to go back 2 sleep, so he politely declines the offer, the yank persists; he now says “ok if I don’t know your question I will pay u $100 the naija guy opens his eyes, but being too tired & not wanting d yank to pester him endlessly agrees 2 play along. D yank asks him how far is d earth from the moon, d Nigerian does not say anything but brings out his wallet & gives d yank $5. Now it is d naija’s turn he goes thus “what goes up a hill on 3 legs & comes down on four legs”. Nna, fear catch d yank. He brings out his laptop searches all his references but he couldn’t find d answer, so he connects a modem to d air phone, he surfs d net, e-mails his co workers –no solution-, finally he turns to d Nigerian & taps him on d shoulder then he humbly gives d naija man $100, d naija guy accepts it and goes back to sleep.this annoys d yank & he asks him so what’s d answer ?. D naija man simply brings out his wallet & gives d yank a $5 note

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and the he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood. With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same. So he decides to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you." His mother smiling said to him," Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father."