I think most of the differing opinions here have greatly been misconstrued. A lot of hurt in the past or present tend to rear up, spark emotions and cloud thoughts which consequently render all our judgement a bit bias or out rightly off the mark. Let's all have some perspective.
Being too nice to the point of being silly is the perfect recipe for disaster in any relationship. However, love itself can be silly a times. Unless you have been in these shoes, then we should refrain from passing judgement.
In retrospect, my case was an eye opener. I am a fun-loving guy, sometimes wild. Never afraid to try out something new however dangerous it may seem. On the surface, people have a somewhat wrong perception of me, often judging by the care free nature of mine. Underneath however, I have a good heart, very retrospective and with a damning conscience. I once dated a lady I didn't love for almost 2 years just cause I couldn't bear to break her heart. During that period, I never cheated and I cared for her in a way only few people can match. I took my time until the relationship wore out naturally. That one was good but the circumstances which led to it in the first place is best to be forgotten.
My recent break up had a different twist to it. We started with a bang. One and a half years in and I started having career problems that just wouldn't leave. At some point, I lost my self esteem and confidence. I became reclusive, withdrawn from people and the fun left me. Became too jealous as a result of my low confidence and would pick on the smallest thing. My ex took all in until a point I guess. But she is the first person I ever took home to meet my mom after of course meeting her family. She did all the perfect things which I still even appreciate and grateful for today. We will talk sometimes about why we do quarrel. We often came to the conclusion that my situation is the cause and I will get back to my grind when it blows over. I cared soooo much, told her the best things and made her feel good about herself. She knows nobody will ever love her like I did and I guess she was afraid she won't meet someone like me again. Along the way, what I saw in her eyes was something out of pity more than love. Her mind wasn't really in it anymore. We had a big quarrel and we agreed to break it off with minimal fuss so we could still be friends. I initially objected but I later agreed because of she has done for me in past and the fact that I was majorly to blame sort of. However I found out she is already dating a guy I know as her friend and I had complained about when we were dating. That riled me up, got me thinking the shit has been on for sometime. I was extremely hurt, fact is it's the worst thing I have ever felt in my life. This was two weeks ago. I'm feeling a damn lot better now tho. Things are shaping up and I'm gradually get back my old self. I know somehow my insecurity got to her but she knows my situation caused it. And if the love was real, she won't have eyes for someone else. Real love I believe is patient, understanding and will always prevail. I know some people will give me the stick for some of my actions but you haven't been in those shoes. It's better not to criticize her too cause you havent been in hers either. I'm surprising myself with how quickly I'm moving on although I wish I had done some things better.

Wu Zetian:
I disagree.

Everyone should better themselves continuously, and that should be a habit. Not some fake persona you put on to attract a female. Oh well, I guess it depends on the female too.

Someone like me will see beyond the 'packaging' and it will irritate the fvck out of me.

That's the word. Be real, because life is too short for pretense, be you a jerk, a nice guy, or a nice jerk have fun been yourself. The most important thing is better your self continously pick and drop traits as you journey towards perfection. Never change becuause of a guy or gurl but for you.

@ihediobie I believe be you a jerk, a nice guy or a half blood prince (nice jerk). There is a woman out there that will like you for you. My decision to be a nice jerk is for my own sanity, it is now who I am no matter the type of argument or point raise can never change my stance.

I love control, I love romance, I love taking charge.
It's my blessing and my curse.

#Team Nice Guy with an attitude.

Ihedinobi:

You say you're not that nice like being that nice is a bad thing. That's what spoils a good guy's mojo. If you ain't that nice, get that nice. It's a good thing to be and chicks want nice guys. That's why they get with bad boys - to convert them. And bad boys use niceness to get the girl.

However, whatever you say, bro. I'm sure you're right. I just respect guys who don't chiose to become total douches just because they called it wrong on a girl once or twice. Thus I respect you for choosing not to become a player.

You are right,bro. It just that some gals mindset have been skewed toward dating the bad guys in the hope of turning the to their default setting(i.e,nice guys) and at the end,they fail woefully. As a start,what,who made those guys to be 'bad boys'? They obviously were not born that way.

y-fo:


Bro, what makes this life work is variety and you suggesting just nice guys for all ladies is...really wrong.

What matthew briggs said is what should mostly work, there are some qualities of the 'jerks' nice guys SHOULD emulate so as to be a better mate. That doesn't mean you're being fake but striving to better one's self, if by default I'm nice and I don't tweak a few things to be more attractive to the opposite sex (especially when ive been shot down a number of times) then that is a classic example of a dunce.

What you also fail to realise is the harsh reality of 'opposites attract', a girl who is nice and a bit boring would be better of with a 'jerk' who can bring out the fun side of her and has the commitment of a 'nice' guy.


*in conclusion, there can never be just black and whites as a mix of both sides is what makes the world go round...a jerk by default can incorporate some of the good qualities of a nice guy and vice-versa.

From https://www.nairaland.com/1484638/nice-guys-versus-assholes-jerks#18939492 (an excerpt from the op)

» Wise Tips is Limp Wimp.
I understand why women think this, but they're horribly wrong. You see Wise Tips is not the 180° opposite of True Control. Limp Wimp is. Limp Wimp is a leech. He's a crybaby (not necessarily with tears, he can be a monster with anger issues). He sucks the life out of his woman, leans on her for everything and offers nothing in exchange. Wise Tips is the third category, True Control and Limp Wimp are over-developments of aspects of him.

Wise Tips = Nice Guy
True Control = Jerk
Limp Wimp = Nice Guy's "evil twin", if you will.

From https://www.nairaland.com/1484638/nice-guys-versus-assholes-jerks/1#18995231

A bad boy can't love and never wants to. He's all about insulation and protection. He dishes out hurt and takes advantage with every opportunity. He's payback for every hurt men have suffered from loving the wrong woman. I'm not this guy although I am not deluded into thinking that I can never be him. I can but I will never choose that path. Been there briefly.

A wimp is the guy that you guys tend to call a nice guy. It's a wimp who does not take responsibility to look after his woman. He's the one who's emotionally insecure and latches so tight onto his woman that she feels like she's choking being with him. He's so sensitive (not to other people's pain, just to his) that she can hardly do anything without hurting him somehow. He's usually insanely jealous and thinks that if a guy says hi to his girl, she'll leave him for him. What woman won't run from dating such a spineless sack of needles? Been there too...veeeeery briefly. 

The truly nice guy. Now this is the real man. He's a man who's not afraid of the fire of love. He knows that if you mess with it you could get burnt but he thinks his woman is worth the risk. He is a giver. He treats his woman like a queen but he does not squeeze her to death with his need for her affection. He encourages and allows her to give it. He also does not hold her hostage to his love. He lets her know that he'll fight to keep her. He makes no bones about the fact that he needs her. And as long as she's content to be with him, he holds nothing of his love back from her.

A nice guy is someone who treats ladies with respect within the confines of his conscience.

Danhumprey: True talk!!! But I wonder why some gals tend to be manipulative and would rather prefer a guy who would hurt them than one who would treat them for the weaker vessels the Holy book said they are. I'm just baffled. Why is it so?

Hurt them? Wooooaaaah! Who wants to get hurt?

I agree women can act confused sometimes. Variety is the spice of life. Someone like me doesn't need a boring guy. I'm boring as it is. Let him be nice and hopelessly romantic, engage in PDAs and keep me on my toes (sometimes). Lemme feel him. Not just someone that would say yes to everything i say. I need a MAN!

debosky:

#ResearchProjectInitiated

That's a DOA!

Ihedinobi:

Now this here is a double [size=20pt]BAM!!![/size]

Dude, that's right. Don't let nobody make you into a player. Players are emotionally dysfunctional human beings who don't understand the.concept of relationship or interdependence. No girl is worth destroying yourself like that.

And you hit it on timing. It may be best to get other stuff in place before rolling out your "game". Don't pursue a woman when you ain't ready to look after her. That does all kinds of crazy things to your self-confidence. It turns you into a desperate wimp. Earn some visible value, satisfy the basic issues of survival and purpose in your life. Then go out and get her!

In the meantime, keep friends among the female species. It helps defuse the emotional tension that not having a girl can bring. But if you ain't that type of guy, I'm sure you'll figure some way to keep yourself emotionally sane and eligible for her should you find her.

You just said it all. I even endeavour to keep female friends,so I can learn from them and know how their mind function.

Graham123: ]
Being too nice to the point of being silly is the perfect recipe for disaster in any relationship. However, love itself can be silly a times. I once dated a lady I didn't love for almost 2 years just cause I couldn't bear to break her heart. During that period, I never cheated and I cared for her in a way only few people can match. I took my time until the relationship wore out naturally. That one was good but the circumstances which led to it in the first place is best to be forgotten. I know somehow my insecurity got to her but she knows my situation caused it. And if the love was real, she won't have eyes for someone else. Real love I believe is patient, understanding and will always prevail. I know some people will give me the stick for some of my actions but you haven't been in those shoes. It's better not to criticize her too cause you havent been in hers either. I'm surprising myself with how quickly I'm moving on although I wish I had done some things better.

Dayuuuum! I'm loving you already.

Uyi Iredia: A nice guy is someone who treats ladies with respect within the confines of his conscience.

I totally disagree with this. Some guys abuse ladies and it takes no beating on their conscience. In addition, respect is a relative and subjective term, some guys/ ladies definition of it is sickening.

Caracta:

That's a DOA!

Why? Am I not a qualified researcher?

Caracta:
I agree women can act confused sometimes. Variety is the spice of life. Someone like me doesn't need a boring guy. I'm boring as it is. Let him be nice and hopelessly romantic, engage in PDAs and keep me on my toes (sometimes). Lemme feel him. Not just someone that would say yes to everything i say. I need a MAN!

Unfortunately this is a very complex subject that you can't conveniently 'classify' into nice guy, so and so guy, etc. However, because many guys (and girls) do struggle to succeed in relationships, folk are forever inventing 'categories' and 'descriptions' to help guys 'figure out' how to approach/be successful in relationships.

uj_sizzle:
I have a problem with this.
How would you know what a woman does or doesn't like?
If there's such a thing as a 'nice jerk' then that's a perfect combo.
It means he's nice enough to take care of you, and enough of a jerk to actually manipulate(that's not a bad thing, girls do it a lot) and take charge when necessary.
Very few women can stand pushovers, and it seems most nice guys are like that. The ever present I-want-to-please-her and don't-wanna-hurt-her factor can be a bore in relationships.

So really, if you think the slight trace of aggressive behaviour we see in a man doesn't make us giddy on the inside, then bro you still have a lot to learn.

How do I know what a woman wants? I was born by one. A strong-ass woman too. God bless my Momma!

I made a thread to explain the differences among the various categories of men. It's still got a great deal of potential because there are things yet unsaid there. But quiye a bit has been already.

There is no such thing as a Nice Jerk.

Love is not manipulative.

Being nice does not translate to being a pushover.

Now, my turn. How would you know what a woman wants?

debosky:

Why? Am I not a qualified researcher?

Maybe. Maybe not. I'm one broad subject. It could take you years

Unfortunately this is a very complex subject that you can't conveniently 'classify' into nice guy, so and so guy, etc. However, because many guys (and girls) do struggle to succeed in relationships, folk are forever inventing 'categories' and 'descriptions' to help guys 'figure out' how to approach/be successful in relationships.

I tire o. Different categories every now and then. The definitions can be very confusing too. Let's all just find our perfect or near-perfect piece and forget all these analogies.

debosky: ^^

Words of Wisdom!

Even married folk are constantly manipulating and trying to control themselves, and some folk think that you won't get that in dating/relationships?

Newsflash: Nice guys y'all also need to learn to play the game (maybe not to professional level though ) - if not, it will take you longer to get into a good relationship.

Heartilu and very happily disagree. The One Who started all this love wahala and marriage whatever made them nakked, to begin with. God Himself does not manipulate us. And He is Love!

There are love-games. A woman plays coy, the guy plays her like a fiddle. That is not the same as the Game - mind-control bullshit. There is nothing right or good about that.

To each his/her own. If any lady wants the bad then may God help her. But from Ihedinobi's point of view, why do ladies exhaust their life and expend all the good things they have to offer to the bad guys only to want to settle down with nice guys for marriage. No man wants a used lady, especially not the nice ones who have stood by an exemplary principle all their lives.

debosky:

Sir you've made a big jump - that gals can be manipulative (either consciously or subconsciously) is not the same as preferring guys who would hurt them.

The truth is, some women manipulate as a (playful) competition to see if the guy will see through it and play along or try out his own manipulation in return. It's all part of the dance.

Interesting. Tell me more. You must be an expert in dating stuff and women behaviour.

debosky:

'Being yourself' isn't enough to begin with - you need to 'package' and 'market' the product to attract buyers, then they can see the 'being yourself' and appreciate it.

For guys most especially, you do need to do more than simply 'be yourself' to get things started.

So not true...unless you're trying to take a census of all the girls you've conquered. You is the best you need to be to get that one babe that makes the difference.

Wu Zetian:
I disagree.

Everyone should better themselves continuously, and that should be a habit. Not some fake persona you put on to attract a female. Oh well, I guess it depends on the female too.

Someone like me will see beyond the 'packaging' and it will irritate the fvck out of me.

If a guy is nice by default and hates confrontation/being assertive (especially when it comes to the female folks)...should he just remain so and not have any tweak in his persona just for the sake of being real to his true nature?

I guess the main question here is, would you see this as 'packaging' or 'bettering himself'?



*long time no argument, how've you been

Graham123: To each his/her own. If any lady wants the bad then may God help her. But from Ihedinobi's point of view, why do ladies exhaust their life and expend all the good things they have to offer to the bad guys only to want to settle down with nice guys for marriage. No man wants a used lady, especially not the nice ones who have stood by an exemplary principle all their lives.

@bolded,you just said it all. It's exactly what I have been trying to unravel. Imagine them dumping the nice guys who shower them with love and affection,for the bad guys who just want an adventure with them only to later dump them. And those 'used gals' would be going about looking for nice guys to settle down with. Who do they think they are fooling?

Caracta:

Angry? No! But i find it funny to see people trying make us all the same. Opposites attract. I like a nice guy. Everybody cannot be like me. Besides, i still don't get what this thread is aiming at. To have a nice guy vs bad guy debate? To show that nice guys are perfect and have no flaws? To show that only ihedinobi, danhumprey and graham are the only noticeable nice guys on Nairaland?

What exactly does "nice guy" mean to you? Anyway, to each is own. We don't have to belong to the same school of thought.



Uncle mii, are you a nice guy too?

Just read the damn thread or the op again, if you like, and decide what it's about.

What's that bit about opposites attract? I always found it a bit curious how easily people carried the physics of insentient things right over into metaphysics. Opposites attract? That is so not true! In romance, people gravitate to people like them. They always, in practice look for a common ground.on which to build their relationship.


Opposites attract! What a laugh!

Wu Zetian:
See what??

How he isn't boring

Ihedinobi:

Just read the damn thread or the op again, if you like, and decide what it's about.

What's that bit about opposites attract? I always found it a bit curious how easily people carried the physics of insentient things right over into metaphysics. Opposites attract? That is so not true! In romance, people gravitate to people like them. They always, in practice look for a common ground.on which to build their relationship.


Opposites attract! What a laugh!

For you maybe. I won't disagree with you over your views. As for me, i don't want someone exactly like me. Nah...nah...nah...it won't work. We would fight everyday and probably break some bones.

uj_sizzle:
No one's asking you to change dearie, there are women out there who you're suited for.
It all depends to a large extent our emotional disposition. We all need that other half that can balance out.
Personally, because i have the tendency of being manipulative and a pushover, I need a man who isn't in the habit of granting my every desire.

So really, different strokes for different people

Teheheehehehe... What woman isn't coy? Every woman likes to "entice" her man and every man likes to play along while bringing her around to what he knows she needs.

What y'all completely miss is that marriage or relationship never comes ready-made. If you willing to work at it, you can build the most amazing things out if your relationship. You spend your damn time learning each other and adapting. That's what it is about.

See? That's why I talk about real women and little girls. One class knows that it is natural for a man to lead and provide for her and therefore he will, if he's not completely bleeped up; the other doesn't have a darn clue.

Ihedinobi:

So not true...unless you're trying to take a census of all the girls you've conquered. You is the best you need to be to get that one babe that makes the difference.

Only after you've grabbed her attention, and even then, just being 'you' won't cut it either. You need to improve.

The truth is, everyone needs marketing/packaging of some sort, or if you like 'accentuating' the desirable aspects just to get past the initial barriers most people have up in the first place.

Quietly following...Keep it up guys.

Danhumprey: Interesting. Tell me more. You must be an expert in dating stuff and women behaviour.

I'm no expert believe me, but I have learned a few things on my journey. . . .things that I am often too lazy to even practice sometimes.

But seriously I hate nairaland smileys. They look like extra terrestrials. Just to cool it down. I think it is time we defined effectively and in clear terms what a nice guy is. Until we do, then it's all daggers and spears. But I think ihedinobi gave a near impeccable description in a thread somewhere. Wimps, bads and nice.
@Caracta I'm not a nairaland nice guy o and I don't aspire to be. Ihedinobi just drew me out with his constructive argument on an interesting topic.

Ihedinobi:
Heartilu and very happily disagree. The One Who started all this love wahala and marriage whatever made them nakked, to begin with. God Himself does not manipulate us. And He is Love!

And how many people are at the stage that they're ready for God-standard Love? Taking the idealistic path again I see? I'm talking about what holds/applies, you seem to be more on the what [i]should [/i]apply route.

There are love-games. A woman plays coy, the guy plays her like a fiddle. That is not the same as the Game - mind-control bullshit. There is nothing right or good about that.

I didn't define the game to be honest, it means different things to different people. As far as I'm concerned, it's the end goal and motive that are key. People will get there via different routes - some will use mind control for a while and later discard it, others will bypass it entirely.

It all depends on the maturity/emotional development of the individuals involved, and the levels they feel they must go to 'secure' the one they want.

Graham123: But seriously I hate nairaland smileys. They look like extra terrestrials. Just to cool it down. I think it is time we defined effectively and in clear terms what a nice guy is. Until we do, then it's all daggers and spears. But I think ihedinobi gave a near impeccable description in a thread somewhere. Wimps, bads and nice.
@Caracta I'm not a nairaland nice guy o and I don't aspire to be. Ihedinobi just drew me out with his constructive argument on an interesting topic.

I wonder what that means. Not like i care though. It's obvious there are different meanings of "nice guy". So i'll just stick to my type

Caracta:

For you maybe. I won't disagree with you over your views. As for me, i don't want someone exactly like me. Nah...nah...nah...it won't work. We would fight everyday and probably break some bones.

My my! Girl, who said anything about "exactly like"? I only said "like". It's that simple. If we wanted people exactly like us, only identical twins would get married and maybe not even then.

Marriage is like intersecting circles. They form one unit because they essentially are of a kind, but they form a stronger, more effective unit because they also have different and complementary elements.

So what you want is someone enough like you to be able to work with in optimizing the possibilities in your differences.

Caracta:

I wonder what that means. Not like i care though. It's obvious there are different meanings of "nice guy". So i'll just stick to my type

#ResearchProjectVersion2.0

Matthew briggs:
Different Stroke for different women. Some like their guys nice, some like jerks. I think over time I am gradually meter-morphing from a nice guy into what I call a nice jerk.. Reason been that certain traits of a jerk is quite useful in a relationship. Merging it with my default Niceness, it can help keep things interesting and unpredictable. Enabling one to Stay in control, keeping her on her toes, Making her never see you as weakling or puppet that's predictable or boring.

By default we know most Ladies like to end up marrying the nice guy because of the sense of security he provides, but prefer to date the jerks because of the sense of adventure he give them. Been a nice jerk you get to bring the best of both worlds to the table

#Team Nice Guy with an attitude .

#Mathew briggs no Send you. , Yes you that curvy creature, with a lip I can't wait to kiss.

why do i like you already?




I don't need potatoes love, because am feisty as it is, and you wan come dey dull yourself for my side dey call your self Mr nice guy? Abeg park well Jo! Nice ko, rice ni


#TeamNiceJerk