pickabeau1: ^ chilli

i respect you for standing by your principles

Unfortunately we will never know since you are already settled.. you are not in the shoes of the parties involved

Some have died waiting for Mr PERFECT

make sure you frame this advice and keep it in your living room for your kids to see everyday and emulate!

pickabeau1: ^ chilli

i respect you for standing by your principles

Unfortunately we will never know since you are already settled.. you are not in the shoes of the parties involved

Some have died waiting for Mr PERFECT

You wanna know my principle,

I'm the type that goes to church and swallow what I want to swallow.
I believe Jesus didn't come to this world to make me his Nwa baby suffer o.
Even before getting hitched, I made up my mind that if I get to my 30ties without getting hitched, I will get my own kids o .
So I worked hard to see I get my independence to handle such.

I say my mind in relationship.
If I wasn't even married, I will still have my kids because I love kids.
Luckily I found the right person. Very lucky.
How I got him, it's a miracle because he is very straight forward too.

I thankGod I respect my principle no matter what. And I got the person for me.

I don't believe marriage too is a do or die, that doesn't mean I won't work hard to protect it, but when it comes to do with something that will make me suffer for the rest of my life, I no do. Thanks you very much

bukatyne:

make sure you frame this advice and keep it in your living room for your kids to see everyday and emulate!

Not sure i get you,, r u trying to be sarcastic...

@chilli.. i like you being pragmatic on the issue andthe fact you kept true to yourself
You even comtenplated single motherhood,,, bravo!

You keep it real and I can deal with that rather than people who cant put their face to the plow but will chicken out at the first stop

Abali1:

www.nairaland.com/1111612/how-much-reveal-partner
NB
Until marriage I am done being the Honest to God kind of guy in a relationship. Say what you like, I wear those shoes.

Don't do it . . . . It's not worth it.

If those women refuse to accept you because of your genotype it's strictly on them, not you. Certainly, someday you'll meet the right woman for you who wouldn't care about your genotype.

I had some AA men run from me too cos I was AS, you know what I did, I let them run. Ignorance make these people scared . . . they don't know any better.

Just don't lose yourself because of these people . . . and don't pretend to be what you are not. It's just not worth it in the long run!

pickabeau1:

Not sure i get you,, r u trying to be sarcastic...

Sarca gini?

You seem to have the perfect advice

Nobody is looking for Mr./Ms. perfect because there is none. We all have our little issues but some things are not issues. A cheat, abuser, liar etc. is not fit for marriage however you spin it.

Let's stop all these manage 'anybody' advice we dish left, right and center.

and there you have it wrong ... no one is perfect and there is no one world view as you seem to advocate round these parts

I believe there are multiple world views ...

I agree with the bolded but be cognisant that some will manage the situation

Some will move on and find their own Mr Right
Some will move on and regret their non compromising stance

Everyone to hissef

The fact you dont like the advice does not mean it is not realistic

bukatyne:

Sarca gini?

You seem to have the perfect advice

Nobody is looking for Mr./Ms. perfect because there is none. We all have our little issues but some things are not issues. A cheat, abuser, liar etc. is not fit for marriage however you spin it.

Let's stop all these manage 'anybody' advice we dish left, right and center.

pickabeau1: and there you have it wrong ... no one is perfect and there is no one world view as you seem to advocate round these parts

I believe there are multiple world views ...

I agree with the bolded but be cognisant that some will manage the situation

Some will move on and find their own Mr Right
Some will move on and regret their non compromising stance

Everyone to hissef

The fact you dont like the advice does not mean it is not realistic

Sure you read my posts?

What is bad is bad.

Everyone knows stealing is bad; whether some people will be friends with one or marry one is another kettle of fish

Funny enough, it is still Africans that will be screaming culture and how western culture is eroding our 'values'

Me im not a fan of afrikan culture...

u see the name

A fi ri ika... translate

if we have values as we think we do, we will not be corrupt and let our students idle away in misery, let our aged die in queues waiting for pittance or deny workers a fair and equitable wage

All that values crap na wash

I agree with you, what is bad is bad

bukatyne:

Sure you read my posts?

What is bad is bad.

Everyone knows stealing is bad; whether some people will be friends with one or marry one is another kettle of fish

Funny enough, it is still Africans that will be screaming culture and how western culture is eroding our 'values'

pickabeau1: Me im not a fan of afrikan culture...

u see the name

A fi ri ika... translate

if we have values as we think we do, we will not be corrupt and let our students idle away in misery, let our aged die in queues waiting for pittance or deny workers a fair and equitable wage

All that values crap na wash

I agree with you, what is bad is bad

People scream TIA especially when they wanna give reasons why a woman should be oppressed in her marriage

It's well

bukatyne:

People scream TIA especially when they wanna give reasons why a woman should be oppressed in her marriage

It's well

TIA is what please

Ujujoan:

I don't get you . . . so now it's the woman's fault for staying with him

Did he tell her clearly that he wanted an open relationship? If he chooses to live an irresponsible lifestyle, then it's only fair that he lay the complete cards on the table.

"I love you and I want to marry you and have kids with you . . . but I'm not ready to eat from one pot for the rest of my life . . ." simple!

Hiding the ladies' names and claiming they are 'just friends' is being disrespectful.

I don't work well with mixed signals and I'm assuming that the majority of women out there are like me.

If you want to date numerous women, tell me clearly so I'll be prepared. Don't lie and pretend like you are a saint, while expecting me to assume you are an unrepentant cheat!

I don't believe he is showing any mixed signal. The signal is clear he is not fully committed to her, marrying a woman does not mean a man is fully committed to her he may have married her for any reason in his mind. Maybe he feels its time he settled down with a good girl and then continue living life like a bachelor. Talk is cheap anyone can tell you all sorts of sweet things if their actions don't match what keeps you from walking away or taking a step back.

She knows,he knows those ladies are not just friends nobody bothers to hide "just" friends names. She knows he is lying to her but she is still there. She may want to ask herself why? she is responsible for herself this is the reality right now. How can he love her and disrespect her consistently. Again why is she there? so maybe she can handle it, maybe she likes the drama, maybe she feels this is as good as it gets, maybe she is scared of being alone again, being alone at a certain age is not easy. Maybe she believes in him that this is a phase and he will grow up. He may even be a Muslim and is entitled to extra wives. Some women really can handle cheating men they know how to turn a blind eye as long as he is good to them. If she is completely unhappy she will be long gone.

very pragmatic post...

andromida:

I don't believe he is showing any mixed signal. The signal is clear he is not fully committed to her, marrying a woman does not mean a man is fully committed to her he may have married her for any reason in his mind. Maybe he feels its time he settled down with a good girl and then continue living life like a bachelor. Talk is cheap anyone can tell you all sorts of sweet things if their actions don't match what keeps you from walking away or taking a step back.

She knows,he knows those ladies are not just friends nobody bothers to hide "just" friends names. She knows he is lying to her but she is still there. She may want to ask herself why? she is responsible for herself this is the reality right now. How can he love her and disrespect her consistently. Again why is she there? so maybe she can handle it, maybe she likes the drama, maybe she feels this is as good as it gets, maybe she is scared of being alone again, being alone at a certain age is not easy. Maybe she believes in him that this is a phase and he will grow up. He may even be a Muslim and is entitled to extra wives. Some women really can handle cheating men they know how to turn a blind eye as long as he is good to them. If she is completely unhappy she will be long gone.

pickabeau1: ^ chilli

i respect you for standing by your principles

Unfortunately we will never know since you are already settled.. you are not in the shoes of the parties involved

Some have died waiting for Mr PERFECT

and some women died by goin 4 mr not perfect

pickabeau1:

TIA is what please

This is Africa

andromida:

I don't believe he is showing any mixed signal. The signal is clear he is not fully committed to her, marrying a woman does not mean a man is fully committed to her he may have married her for any reason in his mind. Maybe he feels its time he settled down with a good girl and then continue living life like a bachelor. Talk is cheap anyone can tell you all sorts of sweet things if their actions don't match what keeps you from walking away or taking a step back.

She knows,he knows those ladies are not just friends nobody bothers to hide "just" friends names. She knows he is lying to her but she is still there. She may want to ask herself why? she is responsible for herself this is the reality right now. How can he love her and disrespect her consistently. Again why is she there? so maybe she can handle it, maybe she likes the drama, maybe she feels this is as good as it gets, maybe she is scared of being alone again, being alone at a certain age is not easy. Maybe she believes in him that this is a phase and he will grow up. He may even be a Muslim and is entitled to extra wives. Some women really can handle cheating men they know how to turn a blind eye as long as he is good to them. If she is completely unhappy she will be long gone.

The only reason OP's sister found out is because she went through his phone. It's not like he flaunts these girls around town . . he's very very discrete and if she didn't mistakenly stumble across those messages, she would never have guessed that her perfect fiance was a serial cheat.

What if she didn't stumble across the messages Someone like me would have completely missed it because I rarely ever go to my spouse's phone.

If she caught him in bed with another woman, it would have been a different thing entirely.

But she just saw messages, no concrete proof. All she has is his word and he swears they are just friends. Going by his actions, he's the perfect man.

That's the problem with mixed signals, it's never clear.

baralatie:
and some women died by goin 4 mr not perfect

Unfortunate..... risk management principles

After assessment you treat, avoid, insure or ignore... tajke your pick

bukatyne:

This is Africa

Society does not help truly but life is an individual thing

Ujujoan:

The only reason OP's sister found out is because she went through his phone. It's not like he flaunts these girls around town . . he's very very discrete and if she didn't mistakenly stumble across those messages, she would never have guessed that her perfect fiance was a serial cheat.

What if she didn't stumble across the messages Someone like me would have completely missed it because I rarely ever go to my spouse's phone.

If she caught him in bed with another woman, it would have been a different thing entirely.

But she just saw messages, no concrete proof. All she has is his word and he swears they are just friends. Going by his actions, he's the perfect man.

That's the problem with mixed signals, it's never clear.

Did you read the part where she said these girls are calling him and he changed their names? So at this stage how did she know he changed their names? she is playing detective that is proof enough. Since when does a man not know how to cut contact with women he does not like or have interest in? They are experts in that department that alone is solid proof. Instead of profiling her hubby like this she either gets out or stay. How did she get to know these ladies don't know he his engaged? op's sister has done her homework she knows wassup but she is still there. And if she is not sure he is cheating what exactly is the complain about? She knows but why is she there? would she rather be suspecting or be sure and how will she be sure by calling the gals and asking them wassup. Is she willing to go this far or will just wait in fear until the other shoe drops. Because i can bet my last dime she will never catch him romancing any of the gals it will always be one text message or chats or something.

Ujujoan:




If she caught him in bed with another woman, it would have been a different thing entirely.

But she just saw messages, no concrete proof. All she has is his word and he swears they are just friends. Going by his actions, he's the perfect man.

Shebi this was my earlier stand and the women were calling for my head.
NB
"All she has is his word and he swears they are just friends".

andromida:

And if she is not sure he is cheating

Abeg, Is Chating, emails, phone calls, sms, Cheating?
I keep hearing cheating, cheating...... what exactly is the definition of cheating?

Efemena_xy:

I think you need to explain the bolded bit more. What happened?

okay let me tel u what happen and i pray dnt see this problem!
1.MY CO-WORKER
He just cant hide it any more.he mst flirt.he is married wit a 2yr old boy.how did his behaviour start?He got hit by his 1st luv to his wed(1st luv rubbished him in frnt a rich dude and went wit dude car in the nit)he fel sick 4 3mnths.came out of hospital neva TO TRUST ANY WOMAN ODA DAN INTIMACY AS MONEY CAN AFFOD.

He got married,had his kid bt old habits die hard.the phone just wont stop,later little sneak.became outrit intimate affairs.

We were both at work at noon wen he receivd phon cal dat his is at home al by himself screaming for the mom.he called her no,it was switchd off.he went mad immediately.calle his mom to go home and pick his son.anoda ph-cal came in they saw his leave for a hotel.my co-worker dev fever.phone cals were flying(mom-in-law,sista in law,everybody had been briefd)
15hrs later she came bak to be told her son is nt at hom.' phon cal to my co-woker broght her to emptines.(she went into a state of panic shock)anoda set of cals came in again dat she needs serious help.her frnd dat arrangd the whol tin Neva came near her house nor offerd to help.where she found a place l dnt know.my co_worker after 1 mth summnd courage after meting wit maturd married men 4 advice.he went strait to his wif begd 4 forgivenes and settled jeje wit his fam.
(He nearly lost his only son,but thanj God!)
there other details that i delibrately left out.it was a big mes but God intervened.once again he came back & wanted to resume but wen he say dat he would lose the lif of hìs kid&wif.he neva came bak to dat lif again!

What i'v seen are to muc!i cant narate al!

chaircover: andros post reminds me of a girl in school who said she doesn't mind her man beating her up because she knows that he will spoil her with gifts afterwards.

I wish I was older and more experienced in relationships and life then, cos now I would have beaten her with a stick and locked her up in a mental home for a full brain reset. Now I sometimes think about her and wonder what kind of life she is living assuming that she is still alive.

I don't understand, is the girl a victim? initially yes but now No. So why is she there?

Some women find pleasure from pain. Some men too. So the ones that want to be beaten, don't be surprised if that is what turns them on. The men will go out and get girls that will be beating them too, as it's absurd in African culture this fetish. So don't cry for her, she may just be getting orgasm from it. She's sick normally. Eran iya something

chaircover: I dont know where she is. I dont know if she eventually married an abuser. I hope that she didn't.

They are already in honey moon, we are here debating .

Just like a poster said, I can bet my pension money that she will marry him.
I just do my own....wishing her LLNP

chaircover: I dont know where she is. I dont know if she eventually married an abuser. I hope that she didn't.

In the long run the woman makes the choice of what is acceptable to her or not.Women need to think like men in situations like this. Were it to be a man he would have been bold enough to call the other men and get useful information or ex the girl for his own sanity believing he will get a faithful partner.

@Cancerlib,
I can see you reading this thread. Hope things are still ok, with the two (your sis and fiance).
I have a feeling the guy is not all that bad, no matter what is said here.

People, once there is a proposal please drop your first, second and third options. I personally don't think all is spoiled if the guy is a good guy. Good thing he has been caught now so they can work on that issue. If he is unwilling to change then she can take a walk. If the girl can honestly say throughout dating him she didn't have other options then maybe she should find someone like her. If she did, well na who dem catch be thief

baby_123: People, once there is a proposal please drop your first, second and third options. I personally don't think all is spoiled if the guy is a good guy. Good thing he has been caught now so they can work on that issue. If he is unwilling to change then she can take a walk. If the girl can honestly say throughout dating him she didn't have other options then maybe she should find someone like her. If she did, well na who dem catch be thief

Thank you. Many has been sounding like the 'Perfect' beings they are not.

Abali1: @Cancerlib,
I can see you reading this thread. Hope things are still ok, with the two (your sis and fiance).
I have a feeling the guy is not all that bad, no matter what is said here.

Honestly I don't know what's running through her head. I sent her a link so she read all the comments. She picked up a fresh fight with the guy. He said he only changed those ladies names cos he doesn't want her to see that they are still calling him. That most of them are only for chatting sake and he delete chats/call logs out of respect for her. He said he has cut them off and they'll b tired when he doesn't call them back. She said he's a liar et al and told him she's taking a walk can't stand him.
So he said before he was guilty but presently he's guilty of no sin and he said he can swear and all that. He said he's tired of defending himself cos it seems she wnt be trusting him again, she's made up her mind to quit, so she shd call both parents and tell them her decision since she's d one quitting not him (acting all macho IMO).
Meanwhile he called her bestie and narratted everythn, how he cheated but has quitted et al, that my sis has insisted she's leaving but she's d only one he truly love,was just playing around blah blah, the friend said he was almost crying on phone. The friend calld my sis and I believe their discussion has weakened her resolve.
For now, I really can't tell what's on her mind.

Abali1, I've been reading your posts and have tried so hard not to bring this up. . .

I'm sorry I had to. . . Don't you think those exes left cos of genotype incompatibility? Honestly, not many ladies, especially Nigerian, will want to even date an SS man, talk more marry him. Even if they would want to, what about their parents? Coupled with the poor awareness.

Please, in all honesty, I'm not trying to "rub it all in", just looking at things from another perspective.

cancerlib:
Honestly I don't know what's running through her head. I sent her a link so she read all the comments. She picked up a fresh fight with the guy. He said he only changed those ladies names cos he doesn't want her to see that they are still calling him. That most of them are only for chatting sake and he delete chats/call logs out of respect for her. He said he has cut them off and they'll b tired when he doesn't call them back. She said he's a liar et al and told him she's taking a walk can't stand him.
So he said before he was guilty but presently he's guilty of no sin and he said he can swear and all that. He said he's tired of defending himself cos it seems she wnt be trusting him again, she's made up her mind to quit, so she shd call both parents and tell them her decision since she's d one quitting not him (acting all macho IMO).
Meanwhile he called her bestie and narratted everythn, how he cheated but has quitted et al, that my sis has insisted she's leaving but she's d only one he truly love,was just playing around blah blah, the friend said he was almost crying on phone. The friend calld my sis and I believe their discussion has weakened her resolve.
For now, I really can't tell what's on her mind.

Hmmmmmm.
It's her decision to make. But, hope she doesn't take a walk and later regrets everything. Sometimes Life is not only Black and White, there are shades of gray.
A guy who is that caring and loving and deletes call logs and chats out of Respect for your sis may not be all that bad. And who says the 'faithful' guy may really be the Love Of Her of Life.
Like I will tell my girl, "Look before you leap", cos after leaping you may not have that initial chance of looking. You will then be battling with landing on your two feet.