iice:

If am mistaken by your views and experiences, i'l take that.
Life is unexpected (though can be controlled) but 'what if' scenarios prepare us to some extent.
I never claimed to not understand that. I said i tire for the thing. You do know the OP's situation right?
All her threads have something to do her ex and whilst i understand her need to put find some closure with her ex, i think he is not wanting to give her the closure she wants. Like i said, you cannot force someone to give you what you want or need. I did say that think it was not a good thing. But unless it happens (closure from the other person) it will color your life in more ways than what one would expect and not necessarily for good.

True, not everyone can move on, but to survive, its a battle within and i think more than needing another person to give you a reason to keep going. Not disputing your thoughts, am just providing another alternative, and people are free to choose what path they want to thread on.

Yes ooo, i don't like long post that much

@Sisi, happy to be of service

Ola, thank you ooo.

H2O2:

Hi IIce,
We most definitely agree to some degree.
I haven't bothered so much with the OP's question because the thread took a different turn as the discussion progressed.
Even if 'what if' scenarios prepare us to some extent, they shouldn't stop us from asking questions or taking risks, and that's the point I want to establish.

iice:

I agree about taking risks and asking questions. But i think there comes a certain point when one must stop and try to salvage what can be salvaged and try to make the best of that.

H2O2:

I agree too.  However, that "point" is not universally defined.  

Cheers

olanajim:

@iice,
you that "what if" scenerio is my personal insurance against heartbreak? I always like to prepare for it in advance. I believe anyone can move on after heartbreak if he/she is sufficiently educated by the "what if" scenerio.

That is because things don't often go the way we view them.

What if the guy dump you tomorrow?
What if he die unexpectedly?
What if he impregnate another girl?
What if you are both biologically incompatible?

What if?

I always enjoy these moment and had mentioned it somewhere that one should always be prepared for the worst. That is the only way he won't breakdown if things go against him.

olanajim:

@iice,
you that "what if" scenerio is my personal insurance against heartbreak? I always like to prepare for it in advance. I believe anyone can move on after heartbreak if he/she is sufficiently educated by the "what if" scenerio.

That is because things don't often go the way we view them.

What if the guy dump you tomorrow?
What if he die unexpectedly?
What if he impregnate another girl?
What if you are both biologically incompatible?

What if?

I always enjoy these moment and had mentioned it somewhere that one should always be prepared for the worst. That is the only way he won't breakdown if things go against him.

iice:

Sure i will do want to know who killed her.  I will do my best to find out who killed her and have the person punished.  But doing my best and wanting does not always give me what i want - i know that.  I will be prepared if my best does not get me what i want/need and that in no account lessen the pain or anger i would feel but it will be something i will work out within myself.  I will have to come to terms with it or whither away.  A choice i must make (it would be easier to rely on someone to make that choice).

bluespice:

i know IIce has summed up this topic beauuutifully
but ive just gotta ask
why are people so obsessed with the Thoughts of closure than the actual closure if its even possible
i mean okay he broke up with u
after cheating
isnt it so damn obvious?
why kill urslef asking him why he did and then kill yourself all over again when he tells u he was done with the relationship?
okay extreme case scenario but seriously why?

Sisi Jinx:

Exactly!!

My thing why does closure have to be sitting down together and talking about the reasons for the breakup? I just don't get this. . . maybe like Acid said, we are not using the word closure in the right sense of the word.

It's awkward enough seeing someone you've broken up with, let alone having them sit down and tell you why they broke up with you. There is even a masochistic undertone to is all. I mean seriously, how is this supposed to play out?

You meet a a coffee shop and in the middle of ordering scones and tea, you get to hear how awful your cooking was?

The waiter comes with you tea but no sugar so you tell him you need sugar just as the ex tells you how your neediness drove him nuts.

You order another cup of tea and Ex boyfriend tells you he felt that he could never satisfy your wants.

. . . . is this closure?! Is it? Is it?

Isn't the actual BREAKUP CLOSURE IN ITSELF??!!!!   

Being hurt after a breakup is perfectly human. . . . but let's do away with the illusion that finding out what lead to the breakup will reduce the pain.

Sisi Jinx:

Isn't the actual BREAKUP CLOSURE IN ITSELF??!!!!   

Being hurt after a breakup is perfectly human. . . . but let's do away with the illusion that finding out what lead to the breakup will reduce the pain.

Exacto

iice:

I don't think you cry at night Topup.  I know you have gotten over the immediate pain of the break up.  The effect of the break up in the long term i don't know.

topup:

The ol' "Bricks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." - you try that and get back to me on how that works out for ya!

Let me give you an example; "A boy who's mother abandoned him, and on his 18th birthday his foster parents tracked her down for him.' Upon knocking on her door to greet her, not to try and force his way back into her life, but to forgive her, to patch things up, to understand what happened, to gain closure, she opened the door and after he explained thoroughly, she explains how she is aware that he wanted to see her, but then tells him that she wants nothing to do with him, she has a new life now, and she closes the door on him."

Of course, we are much more sympathetic towards someone in such a situation, we support the boy and frown on the mother as she refused to do something selfless that would have brought much peace to the boy's life. She refused to explain, chat, and basically rejected him. . again. Now tell me that you expect that boy to 'grab' closure for himself, that no one can make him upset. I don't believe you'll be able to convince me, and even if the boy does regain himself, and carries on with his life, he will forever wonder about the whys. I mean, he can function, get married, have kids and live happily ever after, but he will have a part of him that wishes to be settled.

That is the essence of the topic.

*Toyinrayo:

Sisikill, you and your comrades type too muchhhhhhh. . . .

topup:

Maybe we're talking about different types of relationships, because I can tell you 100% that the least of the issues in my past relationships is whether 'she or he could cook' or not. It's deeper things, things like maybe he has always had problems trusting people, or the fact that I never complain and therefore am being dishonest, those are just a few examples, but some things are deeper than that, and it's all about constructive criticism, nobody's perfect, and I really don't believe I will take it personally if he gives me what I've been wanting, I mean it'll be my fault if I hear what I don't like. Also, if we're going to start talking about awkwardness then I really doubt the person was too immature to be in a relationship in the first place. There are some nasty things that have to be done, what's this rubbish about never speaking to an ex EVER again, are we not adults? Someone passed through your life and because of awkwardness you avoid them and speaking to them.

We might just have to settle that everyone's different.

I would hate to have an ex who didn't understand the importance of closure to me.

P.s. about the neediness - I would actually appreciate to hear that I have a habit of being very needy. Ok, maybe the next guy might not be bothered about that, but I'll get a chance to reassess myself.

If wishes were horses.  .  .
Being settled comes in whatever form we choose to accept.

_{I don tire write .  .  .am off to watch something, but goodluck on the closure thing.}

Sisi Jinx:

Do understand why some of us keep saying one can't rely on the reasons the other person gives for closure?

topup:

I'm weird, I don't mind crying, it's a form of relief. Preventing unecessary grieving. . what is unecessary grieving, it's all relative? Am I the onl one who finds trying to put up a defense and protecting myself from all the what ifs in the world, quite a lot of work, and would rather invest in learning how give my all and accept whatever comes afterwards. Not trying to predict a thing but to enter into everything with hope and with a little naivety.

Isn't the actual BREAKUP CLOSURE IN ITSELF??!!!!

Being hurt after a breakup is perfectly human. . . . but let's do away with the illusion that finding out what lead to the breakup will reduce the pain.

olanajim:

H202,
You underestimated the power of man to take anything. What you mentioned about a woman running away with a day old baby is a very minor issue from my own personal point.

Let assume that it happen. Of course, it is a form of heartbreak.

The question I will ask myself is WHAT IS THE WORST THINK THAT CAN HAPPEN IN THAT SCENERIO? You see, if a man can think, he can absorbed the worst of life experience and still come out stronger.

Ok, she run away with my day old baby. Before I do anything. Ask myself, WHY will she do that?

Next, is she justified?

Next, WHERE will she be?

WHO could she be with?

WHAT is the worst thing that can happen?

Oh, my goodness. The worst thing that can happen IS THAT SHE KILL THE BABY for whatever reason! I can take it!

I will simply assume that the baby is killed already. Then what will you do with a killer?

Sure, it will grieve me to know that my baby is dead. That doesn't mean I must commit suicide. Only the living can tell a tale.

Once I am through with my inner drama, I can then sit down and plot my plan. How to locate the woman etc.

And if the baby is alive, your joy will know no bound. If she is dead, how many times do you think I will grieve? One!

That is to your question. This formula has always been working for me. And those who applied it. Try it, and you won't even grieve a departing partner for long!

Just plan in advance using the "what if" scenerio.

Sisi Jinx:

. . . . is this closure?! Is it? Is it?

Isn't the actual BREAKUP CLOSURE IN ITSELF??!!!!

Being hurt after a breakup is perfectly human. . . . but let's do away with the illusion that finding out what lead to the breakup will reduce the pain.

HR.hotness:

closure isnt about reducing the pain, its about understanding what went wrong in order to accept what has happened. . .

Busy_body:

What is the point of seeking closure in order to understand what went wrong in order to accept what happened, if like Sisi Jinx rightly said that finding out what led to the breakup will not reduce the pain, which if i might add might even intensify the pain.

H2O2:

speculative.

HR.hotness:

and i repeat, closure isnt about reducing the pain. . . getting to d point where u r seeking for closure means u knw its all over, closure is about moving on and not having those unanswered, whys? ifs? and whats?. some people like to knw! its just so u'll hav peace knwing nothing else cld hav been done

HR.hotness:

and i repeat, closure isnt about reducing the pain. . . getting to d point where u r seeking for closure means u knw its all over, closure is about moving on and not having those unanswered, whys? ifs? and whats?. some people like to knw! its just so u'll hav peace knwing nothing else cld hav been done

^{Who could forget her What's up Monicaa, Merry Christmas}

Busy_body:

Let me guess the question you wanna ask you ex, Monica

Why do you always cheat?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why did you break up with me?
Don't you want to marry me anymore?
Why have you been avoiding my calls?
What did I do to offend you?
Why wasn't my picture in your phone?
Who's picture is that?
Whose p*ssy was that?
How long have you known the hoe?
What does she have that I don't have?
I know you told me on the phone, but once again can you please forgive me?
What can I do to make things work out?
Was I rude or disrespectful to you?
What can I do to make amends?
.
.
.
Monicaa 

Busy_body:

Peradventure you go on this talk date to get the closure you seek;

FIRST OUTCOME OF TALK DATE

If he tells you he broke up with you because you over-reacted, You know what your response would be:

-but I didn't over-react now,
-okay I promise I would not react like that again,
-please I beg you in the name of God, please forgive me,
-please give me a second chance,
-please let me make it up to you,
-please I swear I would not go through your phone again, 
-but we were planning to get married,
.
.
.
SECOND OUTCOME OF TALK DATE

What if he tells you it is not you, its him. What if he tells you it is not because you over-reacted, but it is because;

-because I don't love you anymore
-because I am dating someone else
-because you are crap in bed
-because you are not my type
-I only wanted to disvirgin you
-you are not educated
.
.
.
CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH? For your own good MOVE ON.

HrHotness, some things are just not worth pursuing, and IMHO, seeking closure is one of it, cos the guy would never tell them the truth which would clearly hurt them, unless they are sadists and masochists in nature