darkman,

are we the only ones on this thread that said "leave"? No. so why the hell are you bothering me or her?

Either way I totally agree with

There might be higher offenses than this, but this isn't something that should be overlooked. When someone proposes a compromising solution I'll agree fully. All the solutions have been one sided (even mine).

If anything my problem with threads/situations like these are just that the same people screaming that  "you better go back as you have no one. all you have if your life now is your husband" are the same people that were telling some dude that he should walk outright walk out of a 7 yr marriage because he made a hread about how he saw his wife in a resturant with another man. That is what bothers me.

also the whole "well all Nigerian men cheat" excuse is also pathetic. I mean do you guys really think that low of yourselves? shame.

@michelin.

* Advising her to dump him is a trivial solution. Implementing the solution is not easy at all, but the solution is given without any knowledge of the circumstances, any history of the relationship, and any skill or experience in handling such problems. If you are against trivial solutions, you shouldnt give a cut-and-dry answer. Someone who has gone through this before and knows the potential complications of merely 'dumping' the husband is in a better position to give a solution, ne?

* On the issue of societal solutions- I advocated seeking advice from married couples. That is not the same as using the legal system or whatever. THEY will be in a beter position to say whether or not she should go to court, or whatever. Then there's the option of marriage counselling. Marriage counsellors do not have simplistic solutions- like I said they have advanced degrees in the psychology behind these things. They are experts and their solutions are anyhting *but* trivial.



@TOH

I am adressing you and michelin because you disagree with my position that the problem needs to be solved by qualified people, that I do not claim to be among. Others gave their opinions, which are accounted for in my original blanket statement (only accept solutons from married people above the age of 25) . If someone above 25 and married comes on and says 'DUMP HIM!!! DUMP HIM!!!' who am I to argue? If sisimose who is obviously married comes on and says seek professional help, who am I to argue.

Humility is a requirement for the aquisition of wisdom. For your own personal betterment, you need to be able to accept that there are areas in life where the solutions are not as simple as they seem to be, and you may not be the authority. If you check my posting history you will see the vigour with which I mdefend my points of view in areas where I am an authority. However in the case of marital infidelity, I know I am not an authority, so I keep my mouth shut.

Do you think I am an idiot for having this point of view? Do you feel differently? Please explain to me why you feel you are qualified to profer a solution. Are you married and over 25? If not, what experiences have you had that support your position? Kindly share.

qualified people would be marriage counselors.

anyone can claim to be married on the internet, it's not like you can find a way to prove whether are not a person is or isnt married, now can you? NO.

Nairaland is merely a forum, if a person feels like throwing their dirty laundry outside, so be it. ANYONE can reply. You people coming out from no where saying "blah blah you have no authority" obviously dont know what you are talking about. "blah blah let the married people talk", who the hell says anyone on this forum is even married? You dont know and I dont know so why should they be depended on? Now if directing her to a forum known to have qualified marriage advisors was the case then fine, Im all for that. Just dont come here telling me what I can or can not respond to.

To be honest it should even be apparent to you and most people that these stories are just posted or even made up to get discussions flowing/make the forum entertaining so for you to come here and try to act like some cyber police is just retarded.

Btw I like how you didnt bother to say a word to naijaking when he wrote out a dumb sermon pretty much calling michelin all sorts of horrible names for no other reason than answering a question and being 19. It's ok for you to avoid that but you still have time and the audacity to still question us. Seriously dude, just dont even bother anymore.

ThiefOfHearts:

also the whole "well all Nigerian men cheat" excuse is also pathetic. I mean do you guys really think that low of yourselves? shame.

The excuse has been working fine for us, for me, so what's your prob?

why don't you pat yourself on the back because you guys don't have the common sense and will power to be faithful.

I'm sure your God is proud

My god is indeed proud.

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

@TOH

hmmm.

I see. Thanks, that'll be all.

Osacares:
Nobody has asked what the events precluding this incidents were. If a husband or wife decides to have an affair, contrary to what Hollywood/Nollywood makes us believe, it doesn't just happen. There are always precursors.
Here are a couple of questions to consider:
-Waht was your sex life before this incident?
-Have you guys been fighting or had disagreements?
-How much time do you spend with each other?
-Are there things he/shes being complaining about which you have refused to address?
-Is he/she getting the respect and admiration needed to keep focus

thank God that some people still asked this type of quetion which I asked, I wonder why "DREMONEY" or what ever he is called should insult himself with this.

I thought this is a place where u can say your opinoin.

Ofcourse he is a good for nothing idiot!a person that should not be remembered atall.But i still think you should accept him back
xpecially now that he is coming back.One thing you should know is that no man is a saint.THINK!!![color=#000099][/color]

Go back, the devil you know is better than the angel you dont know. how many naija men out there are better? afrian men are polgamous in nature so the next man might even do more than this .everyone telling you to bone the marriage if they were in your shoes would not give up the marriage. dont let another woman drive you from the home youve built with your husband. you are right to be angry but am telling you to forgive and forget

michelin obviously is single and doesnt know what marriage is all about or she is divorced and wants others to be like her. i dont advise any woman to leave her husband because of another woman. she can leave due to phy sical abuse, maltreatment but not becosof another women as an african man he can marry more than one wife so why give chance for the devil to off load his package in your home

hope2007:

Go back, the devil you know is better than the angel you don't know. how many naija men out there are better? afrian men are polgamous in nature so the next man might even do more than this .everyone telling you to bone the marriage if they were in your shoes would not give up the marriage. don't let another woman drive you from the home youve built with your husband. you are right to be angry but am telling you to forgive and forget

hope2007:

michelin obviously is single and doesnt know what marriage is all about or she is divorced and wants others to be like her. i don't advise any woman to leave her husband because of another woman. she can leave due to phy sical abuse, maltreatment but not becosof another women as an african man he can marry more than one wife so why give chance for the devil to off load his package in your home

I know you are man, even if your username suggests otherwise, so I won't waste my energy on you! Shio!

What a pity that u are going through this situation. Pls i wld advice u look at it on 2 sides; if u are legally married to him then i suggest u go back or if u are just a girl friend, kindly ignore him pls.

Olu-Hak

@J-girl
Mark 10 - 2And some Pharisees came up, and, in order to test Him and try to find a weakness in Him, asked, Is it lawful for a man to [a]dismiss and repudiate and divorce his wife?

3He answered them, What did Moses command you?

4They replied, Moses allowed a man to write a bill of divorce and to put her away.(A)

5But Jesus said to them, Because of your hardness of heart [[b]your condition of insensibility to the call of God] he wrote you this [c]precept in your Law.

6But from the beginning of creation God made them male and female.(B)

7For this reason a man shall leave [behind] his father and his mother [d]and be [e]joined to his wife and cleave closely to her permanently,

8And the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.(C)

9What therefore God has united (joined together), let not man separate or divide.

10And indoors the disciples questioned Him again about this subject.

11And He said to them, Whoever [f]dismisses (repudiates and divorces) his wife and marries another commits adultery against her;

12And if a woman dismisses (repudiates and divorces) her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.


Also, - Matthew 18:
21Then Peter came up to Him and said, Lord, how many times may my brother sin against me and I forgive him and [h]let it go? [As many as] up to seven times?

22Jesus answered him, I tell you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven!(C)

23Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a human king who wished to settle accounts with his attendants.

@poster - Forgive him and pray for God to touch his heart for the better. If you divorce him, there's no telling what the next guy will do. The GRASS is not even as green on the otherside! Work to improve the grass you have already. I am not promoting a license to sin or to cheat but you need to forgive if only once. Remember 'the Lord's prayer' which was an example of prayer given to the disciples, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive, "

Sharrap!, Just Sharrap!

very good reasons to marry a Nigerian! Just discuss it with her people and the pastor they'll always find one passage or two to convince her- to forgive is. . . .

it's good to be a naija man sha

I would have been shocked if some rude dude didn't say something rude.

.

@ Dis Guy - Mo gbadun e jare.

@Vitastraka - Don't get mad when you don't know the word and someone points it out to you,
It just shows you have work to do - Omo ile iwe o - ka iwe e. If you chose to harden your heart like Pharaoh did, then go for it.

@G-money

Nooo, my comments were not about the Bible O!!

Ah, the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom!

Divorce.

That's the key.

@Vitastraka

Accept my apology. I thought you responded to me ni.

Regards.

ho,ho.You husband's name must be

randy jackson[quote]

to bring another lady to your matrimonial bed.

Anyway,if he has repented,forgive him.

[/quote]

we have different ways of dealing with problems in our marriage. if you can forgive and forget, then keep your home. if not walk. personally, i did forgive 4 a lot of years until the pain became unbearable and i walked away with my kids. we felt a lot happier and did not miss him 4 one day, that was when i realised that the love i had for my husband died so many years ago along side the grief he put me tru that led to the breakup. till today., he wont divorce me but i know i can't go back. MY advice, if you love him,stay because the love you have for him outweighs the gravity of his actions. Don't leave because i left or because of what someone else say, follow your heart, if you can forgive and forget, its easier to pave way for new things to come. but in my case,i was able to forgive but couldn't forget cos when i am just begining to recover frm the last, another one springs up right in front of me. it was just a constant heart ache that i made up my mind at once. I did find it had to sleep or let him touch me as it was a constant reminder . i rather prefered him having an affair as long as he wont touch me. this is just to let you know how bad.
My honest advice as your fellow woman and as a married woman is to STAY and give him a second chance. WHY? you still love your husband but hate what he did to you, you are very bitter. How did i know? if you sincerely believe that your marriage was over, you would not be seeking this advice. your strongest instincts will tell you right away that its over and when you make that move you wont look back. I do believe that if you live your husbands home, you will come back, so save yourself some embarrasement. i ran away for several times and on ever occassion, he was convenced that i 'll come back and he was right because i just couldn't stay out there without him, until i had enough, he had an affair that was the final straw, wake up one morning , packed my bags with my children and that was it. good luck and be prayerful. seach inside yourself and follow your heart

topclass,

that was a vintage advice. u need t do this for a fee cos no advice can be more sincere than this u have given.

I wish you well and someone to love again.

@skillmyman Many thanks.

_{*shakes head*}


Dietolive, if all men were like you I swear you would have been born by a monkey coz no woman would near a nuisance like you.

This is just like ireland in the 60's were women HAD to accept men staying out all night and cheating. My father the lord have mercy used to cheat on my mother she told me that back in those days socitey frowned upon divorcees and plus she had no money. Yeah its sad to leave another woman to get her way take the place of the wife. I see this a lot amonst the nigerian community it seems they just have to accept a cheating hubby and I personally know of a few who have caught them numerous times. This type of man would bring HIV to his wife. I would be inclined to think of own health and would not want to be put into an early grave just to keep and please my man. Go ahead, dress up, loose weight, cook nice dinners, be the ultimate porn star in bed. He will still cheat (just not in your home again) that all.

Leilah:

it seems they just have to accept a cheating hubby

Accept you said? Geez! what's that? Some men dare not mention another woman's name to their wives let alone the wife finding out that he's cheating. We got some really rugged mamas.

Some of them do accept it though, Rad dear.

I've heard "well it's in their nature" from more women than men. Very depressing.

TOH

Are you ignoring me?