Noah69:

My people, it's not as easy as A-B-C!

I think that the couple need to decide, "where do we go from here?". They cannot continue this long-distance marriage indefinitely. They must, at some point, either come back to live under the same roof, or go their separte ways. Perhaps that time has come. They need to decide what their committment to each other means.

One last thing, many people are stuck abroad as "breadwinners", but they aren't winning anything. They're losing quite a lot actually - broke all the time, discriminated against, a lot of people living illegally, Who knows what would have happened if they were back home? Yet, I'm not advocating her return to Nigeria. Perhaps, her husband needs a little more patience (maybe a lot more). But if she's having trouble coming up with the ticket money, she may not really be making that much money over there either.

i think this is something that should have been discussed before the wife moved to the UK without her husband. I know a woman and children. I know a woman who was going to do the same thing, but the elders in her family talked her out of it and she and her husband are still together in Nigeria. But a long distance marriage can't go on too long.

Leilah, I agree with your post on Nigerian men who go abroad for "business trips," and their wife seems to not care or think about what he's probably doing. But it's not just Nigerian women who put up with it. I know AA women married to Nigerian men who do too. I guess they either don't want to think along those lines or don't want to be single or lose their good lifestyle.

Re: Nigerian Women SPOIL men with their over tolerance
« #49 on: September 15, 2008, 03:34 AM »

I am here in Brazil, have a thousands of nigerians, almost of them have wife in nigeria and here, they used say to nigerian wife that he just got married for papers , and for brazilian wife , he used say he goes to naija to visit his family (truth). But the problem is : one day , after they make the money they re suppossed make, they ll be back to Nigeria, because the dream of average of them is retire in village , what will happen with the brazilian wife and kids here ?

one day the truth will appear and it might be late

I met a guy here, nigerian, his wife were waiting for him during 10 years, he used send money to her, now he died.

Lips sealed

I'm an AA woman married to a Nigerian man. What one Nigerian man told me is he's heard of Nigerian men going to Brazil, meeting a woman and not coming back. It's interesting here how you're telling the whole story. The other thing is AA men usually think of Brazilian women as submissive and willing to do anything in bed. So it's interesting how from your perspective, Nigerian women are too tolerant.

But I'm asking you all: is it more common to a Nigerian man to cheat on his wife when the wife isn't Nigerian herself? Or do the cheating type of men do the same to Nigerian wives too?

A cheater is a cheater. I'm not sure if it's common or more common for them to cheat on foreign wives. I am an AA woman married to a Nigerian man. I also think you really didn't get enough time to know your husband before you got married. He may have married you for papers. But even if he didn't, he's still gotta go. For reasons unknown to me, Nigerians usually are outstanding or trifling. So either you have a wonderful, devoted husband or your husband is controlling, cheating, etc. I have no idea why this is the case, but this is something I've noticed.

I live in The UK presently and i'v been here since 2004 with my husband. In 2005 , my husband had some police issues , so he had to go back to Nigeria and due to this incident, he can NEVER come back to the UK. I am here with a set of twins, 2 boys who i had in 2006 few months after he left, and i've been struggling day in day out to cater for our children. To be honest with you, my husband gives us a monthly allowance of 350pounds, which in NGN is alot of my ., so my expenses is cut with his help.He has a business in Nigeria and he is VERY HARD WORKING. I must also tell you that he's very loving and a God fearing person who doesn't cheat(one should not trust men though).
My main dilemma is should i go relocate to Nigeria with my children , but that forfeits us being able to get the Uk citizenship or stay back in the UK for another 5yrs plus to get the citizenship and the children will only know their father when they re about 8yrs old? Also consider the side of (body no be fire wood) for both of us. I have a degree from a nigerian uni and some professional certicates from the Uk., so i think getting a job should be kind of easy as i was working before i left Nigeria.

I would suggest for you to think about what "police issues" your husband had. Did he do time in prison? You'll want to think about the crime-assuming he's guilty. If he's doing low life things, that's probably not the kind of man you want in your life. Also what state is your marriage in? You may want to have your family back home give you the lowdown on your hubby. Find out if he's taken up with any women or have any other children. You need to know these things before you make this big move. The main issue here is how you feel about your husband, what kind of man he is and if you're in a good marriage. You may also want to go talk to a lawyer to see if there's any way your husband can get papers to come back sooner or at least to visit. Also try not to assume anything. From the UK it may seem easy to get a job with a degree and certificates, but that might not be the case in Nigeria.

this occurs in all tribes in Nigeria and worldwide,in nigeria the ladies want the man to either
1.) divorce his wife and marry her
2.) Become a second wife
3.) Finacial gain.
its one of the above.

The third one you mentioned would explain why one Nigerian woman I know was blown off by the married man she was seeing and just moved on to the next man. She never seemed disappointed that he wasn't available that much and certainly not on holidays, but loved it when he would give her shopping money. #2 seems to be a possiblity in Nigeria maybe. #1 I know one Nigerian woman who was all over a guy who supposedly just had paperwork to file, but needless to say he's still married to his wife. I really think the financial gain is a major motivator. But it is funny how worldwide men use the same excuses--his wife is sleeping in a separate room, she's sick, he just has to file the paperwork, just staying for kids, etc, but when Easter, Christmas, his birthday, and every other holiday come around he's wife his wifey.

@Poster:i read the thread and there's nothing there that says dating married men is peculiar to yoruba women or that other woman is accepted by the married man's family,infact most of the post in that thread critised the poster.
I find it really irritating that you'll come here and start attributing cheating to yoruba women or nigerians to cheating based of the very few nigerians you know, especially from someone who isnt nigerian.

something else I forgot to mention here is the extent the mistress will put her life on hold (ex: quit her job and move half across country) to be available for the married man. And it comes across mostly as her dreaming of financial stability. That's something else I've noticed, but I'd like to point out I'm talking about a few Nigerian women I know--not a large number. As I said before, maybe they're just the bad apples.

@Poster:i read the thread and there's nothing there that says dating married men is peculiar to yoruba women or that other woman is accepted by the married man's family,infact most of the post in that thread critised the poster.
I find it really irritating that you'll come here and start attributing cheating to yoruba women or nigerians to cheating based of the very few nigerians you know, especially from someone who isnt nigerian.

Although I'm not Nigerian, since my husband is Nigerian, I am interested in learning more about Nigerians. As I've said before I think the difference in culture I see is how the people involved react to the affair. Either I'm acquainted with some bad apples, or maybe there's an "I will support my relatives no matter what they do" mindset. I will never be able to view things from a Nigerian perspective and that's ok. But still it can be a culture shock at times. That's all I'm saying. I'm just trying to understand Nigerians more.

Women who date married men, what of boys who date married women

Well what are ur facts about youruba ladies dating married men? Personally i doubt that, its not perculair to a particular tribe. I have a lot of youruba girlfriends and they are all reasonable girls. sooooooooooooo how come Huh Huh Huh

This is personal observation. But I must say quite a few people like yourself made good points. I know when I've spoken to a friend of mine married to an African man from another country, she's had similar observations. I think it's really more so about how the friends and family of "the other woman," along with the married man's relatives seem to condone her behavior. (For the purpose of this thread, I'm focusing on the mistress.) I know if my brother brought a woman other than his wife to my house with him, I would see them to the door. And it wouldn't matter if he's supposedly filing paperwork or miserable with his wife or any ot the other stories married men use to try to justify what they're doing. I keep seeing this same pattern of Nigerian men saying the marriage is over, but they don't leave their wife. I think in most cultures (except white people), it's pretty rare for the man to leave his wife for the other woman, but for some reason the Nigerians I know will take this story at face value. "Well, they might get married." "He's not with his wife. He just needs to file paperwork." That's what I've been hearing. It's one thing for the mistress to believe that crap, but for her family and the married man's family to play along, that's something else.

Here's a link to a thread on this forum. A poster who is "the other woman" says the same story I mentioned above. It's on this topic of the other woman.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-160484.0.html

I MEAN I HAVE BEEN DATING THIS MAN FOR 1 YEAR NOW AND HE TOLD ME HE WAS MARRIED BUT HAS A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH HIS WIFE AND SHE IS ASKING FOR A DIVORCE
THEY HAVE FILED THEIR CASE WITH THEIR RESPECTIVE LAWYERS BUT WAITING FOR THE PROCESS TO BEGIN
HE IS BEEN BEGGING ME TO STAY WITH HIM A BIT MORE - THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINALIZED SOON
AM A YOUNG GIRL AND don't KNOW IF THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO,I MEAN GETTING MARRIED TO HIM BECAUSE HE KEEPS BEGGING ME TO WAIT FOR HIM
SOMEONE PLEASE

This is an old and tired story. Even if this man leaves his wife, he's going to have no respect for you whatsoever. I know several women doing (or have done) the same thing as you. It's always the same story of him just needing to do the paperwork. Waiting for the process? Does he have a court date? Even if he did, you are wrong backwards, forwards, up and down. A year from now he'll be singing the same tune. and if you think you're so lucky to have him, wait until the wife gets her share. If they're in America or Great Britain rest assured he won't just walk away.

Why must it be yoruba ladies all the time, dating a marriedman has got 2 do with the individual and not the tribe, any lady that dates a married man shld know that what goes around comes around,

I think what's different at least from my point of view is to see women (in this case Yoruba) who their family and friends know are seeing a married man. But everyone goes for the "he just needs to get his paperwork together" line. I also know a married Yoruba man seeing a woman and bringing her around his family and they're nice to her with open arms. Yes, every culture has this problem of "the other woman," but I am more used to seeing family/friends either tell that person it's wrong or isolate themselves from them. That's the point I don't understand. I'm beginning to wonder if this is just how things are done in Nigeria. Maybe it's a difference in culture. Black Americans and West Indians may have more of a tendency to confront family/friends. And the other thing is these women I know dating married men also have done stuff like moved half way across the country to be near him or to his side of town. And what I hear from them is promises of financial security--a car or a house. Of course I have yet to see this happen, but doesn't seem to stop them from trying. As a side note, I have a friend married to an African man (not Nigerian) and she's noticed the same thing about family/friends accepting the other woman and sometimes even the wife grudgingly (she knows) having her at events.

This mumu has married an Igbo man and she says all her friends are Yoruba women who date married men.
These nosensical Black Americans do my head in

#1 I'm not a mumu. #2 My husband is Yoruba. Most Nigerians I know are Yoruba, but I also have Ibo friends. #3 It was a Nigerian woman who told me this--not a Black American like myself. And like I said, I know Yoruba women who fit that stereotype. But I guess a better question is overall in Nigerian culture, is the "other woman" accepted? There's been tons of threads on women and men alike who think it's ok for the husband to cheat.

I know several Nigerian women who date married men. They all have the same story. They'll say he's "getting a divorce," but after awhile it becomes really clear that's just wishful thinking. These women I know are all Yoruba. A friend of mine who's Ibo says it's acceptable in Yoruba culture for single women to see married men with hopes of becoming another wife. The other thing I notice is these women only see married men with $$$$. And they seem all to eager to move down the street or across the country with hopes of stealing him from his wife. Is this acceptable in Yoruba culture? Or are these women just "bad apples"? We talk on here about women who accept cheating husbands? But is the woman who is sleeping with the husband condoned for her behavior?

Simba,

Listen to your intuition and pay attention to this man's actions. If he really loved you, he wouldn't pressure you to get married. He'd give you more time and he for sure wouldn't go off and marry someone else. This one isn't it.

I can't help but wonder if the men in here are being truly honest or if this is a below the belt way of bashing women.

Here in the USA the rate of divorce between Nigerian nurses and their husbands almost reach white people own.
Sadly many have also been killed by the men during or after the divorce.

Nigerians know how to endure and "manage"
oyibo women and African Americans cannot "manage"

Manage what? To stay in a violent marriage? From what you posted here it sounds like those women were leaving violent marriages.

Because we need baby daddies---also landscapers to "mow" our lawns and "trim" our bushes!!!! Just as they need sharpeners to "sharpen" their pencils! Kiss

I disagree. I think these women honestly believe they're in love and want companionship. AA women want more than just sex and a breeder.

I WAS REALLY AMUSED BY THIS SO CALLED LETTER TO NIGERIAN WOMEN.
THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC PROOF, THAT SHOWS THAT TOO MUCH SEX IS
BAD FOR ANYONE. PEOPLE WEAR DIAPERS DUE TO URINARY INCONTINCE
BLADDER IRREGULARITY,,WHICH CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE, ( MALE, FEMALE).
IN SOME CASES ,KIDS OR OLD PEOPLE THAT HAVE PROBLEM CONTROLLING THEIR
BLADDER.( THAT IS WHY GROWNUPS WEAR DIAPERS) NOT FROM HAVING TOO MUCH
SEX.

It sounds like he wants Nigerian women to only view sex as something for men to enjoy. In other words, for Nigerian women to pretty much go along with their husband when he wants it and if he strays it's okay because after all too much sex is too bad. This is definitely very sexist. I agree.

I showed up at her school to pick her up in the same, identical outfit----with my "shocking" pink underwear out of my jeans too. Disgrace am well well in front of her friends. She did not speak to me for a week. Did she do it again?---maybe. But not to my knowledge? Let me catch her again! Make she just try am again! I threatened to show up half naked the next time.---Who born monkey? he he he he he he!!!! Cheesy Idiot!!!!!!

LOL. Now she got to see how she looks when she dress like that. How creative of you! Teenagers are so funny.

And BTW, from what I know, you can't just "be friends" with ma', like you would an American mother in law, and American mother in laws can be tough to crack. You'd be dealing with a whole different world of unspoken rules and customs trying to be part of the family. You can't be too familiar too soon with a Naija family like an American family. It would be disrespectful to them.

I'm not going to lie, I would take another "Naija man" any day to an American man, because for me, a Naija man has so much more to offer me mentally, and otherwise. But I'm very aware and educated to the fact that it wouldn't be easy. I'm aware that to be with a traditional Nigerian man, I would have to give up a lot of myself (American ways) and even if I won him over, the family might not accept me, and even if they did, the friends might not. For Americans and westerners, they would battle this. But MOST traditional Nigerian men are not going to turn away from family and friends on your behalf. I would love to try with another Nigerian man, but I clearly see now, it might not be in my best interest.

And one of the posters was right: It's all about the extended family system, and what's yours is theirs, no questions asked. Ma' will come and go as she pleases, and any other family members.

Darkchoc,

Good post! I am an American woman married to a Nigerian man. I think inter-cultural marriages work best when both people are willing to compromise and usually they lean more toward one culture than the other. I totally understand what you mean about the husband's family having unspoken customs and hard to get to warm up. If the husband's truly traditional he may value his sisters and mother above his wife. This in particular is problematic for American women, who generally view the wife as the husband's #1 under God. The Western women I know married to Nigerian men who are happiest don't have his family coming and going as they please.

Cop on to yourself. Why would he want a western lady when he can a nigerian wife who does what he says and what he wants and when he wants and that FULLY understand his male dominated culture. How do you know he has been in Greece for 5 years?
ask yourself the following:

would he be trying to get you to Greece to marry you and then decide 'lets go USA' instead of nigeria
What immigration status he currently holds
Would he already be a married man (in Nigeria) if he over 30 this is a strong possiblilty
Nigerian culture is totally different to our own culture you have NO IDEA what you are letting yourself in for.

I agree with the latter part of your post. It sounds like this man is in Greece illegally and thus can't visit the U.S. He may hope to marry this woman so he can become American. I don't agree with the first part of your post. I've seen Nigerian men happily married to African-American, West Indian, European, and other African women. It sounds like you're being kind of paranoid about your husband.`

because they are not tough enough to handle men's wahala and when they said " i love you", they mean i love you only now, but have no clue what could happen in the next few minutes, but when nija woman loves, she means till death do her path with the man, and even if the man dey maltreat her, she hang on to the home, which is a good thing, but sometimes, they gotta learn to let go, there are some marriage that aint worth punishing yourself for, i so much blv that we are all precious and need to enjoy life and not commit ourself to something that aint working, i am sure divorce can't be a good thing, but sometimes, it is without choice.
So whites don't have time for tomorrow go better, because if today aint better, they move on to the next bidder

I agree. I think Nigerian women are also under pressure from their families to keep the marriage together no matter what. Whites tend to be much more individualistic. I also think Nigerian women often are in situations where they're very financially reliant on their husband and would have to make some major changes to go solo. Overall I'd have to say this is a difference in culture. Also white men are still notorious for leaving their wife for another woman. Money is also the cause of many divorces in the U.S.--particularly when you have two spenders together or a spender and a saver.

that's why it's encouraged for women to be financially stable on their own so that if any unforseen wahala should happen, then she doesn't get thrown out into the street like a nobody. i see this happening a lot, especially when the woman is so dependent on the man for support. he then sees it fit to throw her out on her own knowing she can't fend for herself. hence women should always have a back up plan whether the marriage is good or not. it's just being smart.

Soul,

I agree. It is good to have a back up plan and for women to not too long of a break from working. Something else I have noticed recently is this tendency for Nigerian men to have their girlfriend move in and for him to pay all the bills. I think this is not a good set up because from the get go, it's created a situation where she's dependent on him. She never learns how to first fend for herself, so it things take a turn once they get married, it's extremely hard to leave. I can't imagine living with this type of fear of being thrown out. Now I understand what the situation is. In Nigeria, it's not as though women can call up the police for them to intervene when her husband is trying to kick her out.

Most of the Nigerian women I know are totally against divorcing their husband under any circumstances. I think this sets up a situation where he takes her for granted. I read post after post where men happily say they would throw their wife out over the littlest of offenses. Throwing a wife out is pretty rare in the US.

I say if Nigerian women want change, it won't be given to them. And sometimes the change could mean being willing to be alone rather than put up with a cheating man. I don't know any woman married to a cheating man I know of who is happy. If anything, women in this situation may come across as submissive, but in their actions are miserable. It's really the husband's way of controlling her. The other side of this is it seems to be very acceptable for some single Nigerian women to date married men with hopes of snagging him. I know Nigerians who don't think twice if their best friend or relative is engaged in this. This is the other side of the equation. My perspective on this is I am an African-American woman married to a Nigerian man.

if it was me, she leaves, even if we had just married 2 mins ago.

Even if you both own the house?

There are some women who do not have a cherry to break. Or the woman could have been r.aped. It sounds like her husband is jumping to conclusions.

@HisMichele
Are you sure you are not a fake?

Those two contradicting statements were made by you. First on page 2, second on page 4 of this thread.

This is starting to look fake. First she said they were going to get married and she was highly interested in moving to Nigeria. Now she says she's just visiting him to see how things go. This is probably some bored white person trying to start some shyt up in here.

So, you want us to advise the Poster to run and meet the guy simply because we want to protect Nigeria image? I know all Nigerians are not fraudsters, but I must tell any person treading the direction of a Lion’s den to be careful.

What is wrong there trying to unmask the vice of fraud which Nigeria has been known? Do you derive joy in protecting evil? A hidden cat (you have not seen)) can turn to be a Lion that will tear you into two.

Even if the man were American or European, the advice people are giving in this thread would still apply.

now the woman is forced to go and work, the stress and the frustration, one day made the woman to say " you foolish Ghana Man, i am done, she left the house and came back with 5 police men that she is not safe in the home with the man, so the man was sent out of the house, meanwhile remember that the woman's name is what is on the house as the owner, the guy left to stay with friends and came home one day to get some stuff n da home, the woman has packed all in the house, i mean all, and now she is being sturborn as to selling the house, because she is claiming to be the owner.

Sounds like something's missing to that story.

By the way, since they bought the house while they were married and he was at the time the provider, he probably has a good chance of getting some share--if not 50% of the house. He needs to get a good lawyer.

Anyway, as far as my beliefs on joint accounts. I think having a joint account encourages accountability for couples. Someone on here said it can prevent affairs. I don't think having a joint account can prevent an affair from occuring, but it can make it very hard for the husband to support a mistress financially. I favor either having a joint account together or for the couple to have a joint account and separate accounts. Having a joint account also encourages each partner to spend money responsibily or face having to discuss that with their spouse. It's healthy anyway for couples to discuss major purchases with each other. Having a joint account can allow them to pool their resources together for retirement, savings, children's college, etc.



[quote][/quote]

I forgot to mention before I'm an African-American woman married to a Nigerian man in the U.S.

Has anyone seen the news? Greece is in flames right now. Arson is suspected. You may want to reconsider your trip if it's soon.

Other than that, you are more vulnerable than you think. This man could harm you in so many ways-not to mention your daughter.

Have you sent him any money?