THIS IS REAL!
A new convert (who was an ex-gangsta rapper and addict) was asked to submit his gospel lyrics for evangelism. He dropped the lines:

"The Kingdom of God is like a Virgin's Pus sy, Nig gaz with big dic ks can't get in. . "
The missionaries were stunned they made him a gangsta pastor immediately!

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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretely arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returns to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thanx heavens," his date replies. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

nice thread! i'l take time to forward my offlines here. i only pray sum clowns don't scribble re-cycled under my posting.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM . The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

An American, a Japanese, and a Nigerian were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Nigerian, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps Out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of Toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a Fax," he explains

Great ones Jagz, dats really nice. i'll subscribe to you as well.

Love is like the rain, at first, you go out into it willingly and dance, but once you are soaked down to the skin, you realize how cold it can truly be, and Suppose one morning you don't wake up. Do all your friends know you love them? I was thinking, I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said. Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do. And just in case God calls me home. I LOVE YA!!! Send this to anyone you love, and send it back to me if you truly love me too.

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

This guy approched his wife everynight and has had the same reply for months: "Sweetie, not tonight, I´ve got a headache!" One night though, as she was asleep, he tossed two aspirins down her throat, she wakes up in panic, and asks what´s going on. "Baby, it´s just a couple of aspirins", he replies, "What?! But I haven´t got a headache!!!" He stares at her calmly and says: "That´s excellent! In that case we´re getting down to business."

The Lord is my Operating System, I shall not crash. He maketh me to boot normally without errors. He loads my routing table with cool links; he restored my path. He routed me to the server of righteousness, for His domain sake. Even though I browse through hackers’ sites, I will fear no attack, for he is my Firewall. Thy antivirus and Intrusion Detection/Prevention System, they comfort me. Thou preparest a link before me in the presence of time-outs; thou connected my links with fiber optics. Surely solid connection and replies shall follow me all the period of my pings. And I shall browse from the server of the Lord for ever and ever. Amen,

Management lessons.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else, One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me make love to you, but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend, so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes
the boyfriend calls and asks what happened,

She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in Maseru and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They are making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy,Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised.",the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10" ("And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.".

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A stranger was seated next to little Johny on the plane. Then the stranger turned to little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK" said little Johnny."That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while the cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
Email: qallyn@yahoo.co.uk

A stranger was seated next to little Johny on the plane. Then the stranger turned to little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK" said little Johnny."That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while the cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shi t?"

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked:
"why do u have your boobs on your back?"
The camel responded:
"what a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!"

Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!)She gets married and has 17 children, and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,"At last, they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" "No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

More Women's Point System

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal, -5
Who is happlily married, -4
Or is frightingly single, -7
And he drives an ML, -10
With a pesonalised licence plates(GR8 N BED), -15
You have a few beers, -9
You miss curfew by an hour and you dont call, -20
You get home at 3 am , -30
Smelling of booze and cheap cigars, -40
And not wearing any pants, -50
Is that a tattoo??, -200

HER NIGHT OUT
You stay at home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work, +5
She goes out with her annoying work rfiends and comes home late, +10
You wait up, +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed, +20

A NIGHT AT HOME
You watch TV together, 0
You rent a movie, +2
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout, +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep, -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool, -2

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie, +2
You take her to a movie she likes, +4
You take her to a movie you hate, +6
You take her to a movie you like, -2
It's called DeathCop 3, -3
You lied and said it was a foreign film abt orphans, -15

FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected, 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it, +20
You give her wildflowers you ve actually picked yourself, +30
And she contracts Lyme disease, -25

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on

when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve,

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

funny stuff u got in here book man

god created eve cos he thought eve was cool for da guys even for chris

A Father passing by his son's bedroom,was astonished to see the bed was nicely made,and everything was picked up.

Then,he saw an envelop,propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was address,''Dad.'' With the worst premonition,he opened the envelop and read the letter,with trembling hands.

''Dear,Dad. It's with great regret and sorrow that i'm writing you.I had to elope with my new girlfriend,b/cos of all her piercings,tattos,her tight Motorcycle clothes,and b/cos shes so much older than i am.

But it's not only passion,Dad.Shes pregnant.Stacy said that we will be happy.She owns a trialer in the woods,and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.We share a dream of having many more chilkdren.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't,really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it to ourselves,and trading it with other people in the commune,for all the cocaine and ecstacy we want.

In the meantime,we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,so Stacy can get better.She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad,i'm 15,and i know how to take care of myself.Someday,i'm sure we'll be back to visit,so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,your son,John.

P.S. Dad,none of the above is true.I'm over at Tommy's house.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.I love you!!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

LOL,this one pull me off,

Horse Sense

When days are hot
and flies are thick
use horse sense. . . .co-operate

This is a truth
all horses know
they learnt it many centuries ago

One tail on duty at the rear
can reach that fly behind the ear

But two tails when arranged with proper craft
can do the job with fore and aft

sun shine after the rain
days comes be4 nights

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide" The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail!! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."