Do not be hasty in these three: Marriage, Business and Travel• Do not waste these three: Time, Money, Energy• Like these three: Kindness, Sympathy and Cordiality• Hate these three: Injustice, Pride and Unfaithfulness • Love these three: Bravery, Gentility and Affection • Leave these three: Laziness, Too much talk, Hurried Judgment • Value these three: Intelligence, Ability and Happiness • Control these three: Temper, Desire and Tongue • Preserve these three: Good books (scriptures) Good deeds and Good Friends

SO MUCH FOR PR.

Bush goes to an elementary school to talk with the kids and do a little
PR.

After his talk he offers question/answer time. One little boy puts
up his hand and George W. asks him his name, "Stanley" responds the
little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 3 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more
votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

George W. informs the kids they will continue after recess.

When they resume George W. says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's
right: question time. Does anyone have a question?"

A boy puts up his hand and George W. asks him his name. "Jimmie"
responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Jimmie? "

"I have 5 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more
votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess
bell ring 20 minutes early? And Fifth, what the hell happened to
Stanley?"

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . , you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow”, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day.

Please Sir send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

It seems not all the stuff i saw were IM jokes so i'll giv this though it was an IM i received it ain't no joke
your sentiment is ur love > your love is ur heart > your heart is ur spouse > your spouse is ur future > your future is ur destiny > your destiny is ambition > ur ambition is ur aspiration > your aspiration is ur motivation > ur motivation is ur believe > your believe is ur peace > your peace is ur target > your target is heaven > heaven is ur home 'world best friends day' send this to all ur good friends. even me if i am 1 of them. c how many u get back. if u get more than 3 u r really a lovable person,

For real here is this

A pastor said to his congregation:

"If i could get all the beer in the world i would throw into the river"
And the congregation shouted "AMEN"

Again the pastor said:
"If i could get all the whisky in the world i would throw into the river"
And the congregation shouted "AMEN"

Again the pastor said:
"If i could get all the wine in the world i would throw into the river"
And the congregation shouted "AMEN"

And the pastor sat down.

Then the service coocrdinator came up and said:
"In closing let us sing 'we shall drink from that river"

And the congregation shouted a big "HALLELUYAH!"

THIS IS WHAT SOMEONE WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST:

Dear System Analyst,

I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found
that the new program began unexpected child Processing and also took up
a
lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the
product
brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other programs
and
launches during systems Initialization and then it monitors all other
system activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer
Run,
and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate
Selected
"Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs
instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to
run
any of my favourite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but uninstall doesn't
work
on this program. Can you please help?

Urgently Need Help

, AND THIS' WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;

Dear Urgently Need Help,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding
of
the functions of the "Wife 1.0 "program. Many customers upgrade from
"Girlfriend 7.0" to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.

Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by it's Creator
to
Run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still
convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0 " was not designed to
do
this and it is Impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program
files
from the System once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install "Girlfriend 8.0 " or "Wife 2.0 " but
have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child
Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it installed And
deal
with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems
Occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the
C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting to use the
*Esc-Key
for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME for a number of
times,
and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
"Wife
1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program, can
be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying
additional
Software such as
"Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\KISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating Out Without the Kids
7.2.1" (if child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt
Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a
supported Application for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost

certainly CRASH.

BEST OF LUCK!

Your System Analyst

Oh ma God, nice one there. LoL, nice

thanks

was forwarded to me by my friend and i could not stop laughing.

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success.

@Christiano
likes copy copy
but i'll surprise piracy

@nila
You copied the fake one i wrote this on November and its a Tech support not System Analyst
Check out for "Wife 1.0 just released" in this jokes category and you'll get the authenticated version i wrote before this edition of no clue.
A system analyst programs,developes and packages software not the User to its Hardware
so better adjust your legs in  a wild mana

engr17 what you talking bout
was just sharing something i got from my friends.

will check your post later though.

@ Hayprof.
Thanks jare, we'll welcome more from you. I'm sure you get offlines at least thrice a week.

@engr 17.
The title of the thread is copy and paste, not manufacture.

Back to topic.

it has been very nice from all of you guys, chris i hope you wont be charged to court for rib cracking,

Thanks Abdul, as you can see I'm not alone and you are equally invited to paste your offlines here.

didn't have time to read through so sorry about duplicates .

During a wedding reception; the groom was called upon to give his vote of thanks to his guests and this is what he came up with: I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings. Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding. Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf. Also to my brothers wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown. Am so grateful to the cake designer for the cake. I promised to return it tomorrow morning as agreed. Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help.

21st CENTURY LIFELESSNESS! Our communication - Wireless, Our telephone - Cordless, Our cooking - Fireless, Our youth - Jobless, Our religion - Creedless, Our food - Fatless, Our faith - Godless, Our labor - Effortless, Our conduct - Worthless, Our relation - Loveless, Our attitude - Careless Our feelings - Heartless, Our politics - Shameless, Our education - Valueless, Our Follies - Countless, Our arguments - Baseless, Our bosses - hopeless, Finally, Our Salary - Very less, This very message - Meaningless, and. , .the person who is reading this message - PRICELESS


The Best Moments In Life >1. Falling in love. >2. Laughing till your stomach hurts. >3. Enjoying a ride down the ocuntry side. >4. Listening to your favorite song on the radio. >5. Going to sleep listening to the rain pouring outside. >6. Getting out of the shower and wrapping yourself with a warm, fuzzy >towel. >7. Passing your final exams with good grades. >8. Being part of an interesting conversation. >9. Finding some money in some old pants. >10. Laughing at yourself. >11. Sharing a wonderful dinner with all your friends. >12. Laughing without a reason. >13. "Accidentally" hearing someone say somthing good about you. >14. Watching the sunset. >15. Listening to a song that reminds you of an important person in your >life. >16. Receiving or giving your first kiss.17. Feeling this movement in your body when seeing this "special" someone. >18. Having a great time with your friends. >19. Seeing the one you love happy. >20. Wearing the shirt of a person you love and smelling his/her perfume. >21. Visiting an old friend of yours and remembering great memories. >22. Hearing some telling you "I LOVE YOU" >"True friends come in the good times when we tell them to, and come in the >bad times, without calling." >Send this forward to all of the people you count as friends or someone >special in your life if you think this email will make them smile. >If you are a true friend you'll send this back.

a pretty girl went to church , to make a confesion to a priest,and the priest asked her what is the matter. she then said my boyfriend did something bad to me. the priest now kissed her and said did he do this to u she said no, he hugged her and said did he do this to u she said no, he now pulled off her cloth and said did he do this to , she said no,he now made love to her and said did he do this to u? she said no, then he now said what is the thing he did that is making u to cry, the girl said he gave me aids, the priest fainted, send this to everyone on ur list, if u get this back then know that somebody cares about u and want you to stay protected

@chris ok what goin on

ON JUNE 6 - 2006 & 6 MIN & 6 SEC AFTER 6 AM DAY TIME AND DATE WILL BE 06:06:06:06:/06/06/06 HAPPENS ONCE IN 100000 YEARS

that's not true, cos june 6 - 1906 can be abbreviated to the same thing and it's not a 100000 years ago !
it happens every 100 years.

One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching all the students about the heart. After she had finished she said, “If any one has any doubts about what I have thought please ask". A boy stands up and asks," Teacher, does the heart have legs"? She replies, “no it doesn’t. What makes you ask such a question"? He replies, "Last night when I went into my parents bedroom I over heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug it out and ate it. Management Lesson? 1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his
wife, pinched her on her ass and said, "If you firmed up, we could
get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge
of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each
of her tits and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get
rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by his dick. With a death grip in place, she said, "You
know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the
postman, the pool man, the vibrator and your brother!"

@ christino,

your last two posts are really funny

And another one:

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. "But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?" "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, " My lord, not a single child resembles him ."

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."this my number 08063828288 or 2348037883157

A Sunday school teacher asked her second graders if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.

After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard."

"Howard?" replied the confused teacher.

"You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his congregation. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked." A cheerful heart is good medicine. Have a good week and make someone's day

Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister. "Definitely not," was the preacher's answer. "Are you absolutely certain?" "Yes, my son, absolutely." "Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"