Rest in peace to the departed young Champ.

This is so sad.

I prayed they will all be rescued.

GAMOPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF MARRIAGE
Due to the kind of things people hear about marriages these days, many are becoming more apprehensive in committing to anyone in marriage. No matter how you encourage them if the cause of their fear is not dealt with, some may never want to get married or may enter into marriage with a wrong mindset that would affect the survival of that marriage.

In 2015, a friend of mine told me that he wants a baby mama that would give him a child or more without getting married to her legally. This sounded so absurd to me and I did everything to discourage him from his plans. Currently, he is cohabiting with a lady and they both have 3 kids together without him paying her bride price, even though money is not his problem.

Some of the reasons people give for cancelling the idea of marriage in the plans are:
(1) Marriage is limitation: people that shares these sentiments always ask themselves these questions
(a) What if I have to give up my goals, career and passion in the marriage?
(b) What if he/she stops me from going to places I want to go, when I want to go?
(c) What if I have to make compromises that I am not comfortable with?
(d) What if I want to sleep with a different person to satisfy my sexual desires?
(2) Choosing a wrong partner: what if I marry the wrong partner like my dad or Mom did? They ask.
(3) Lack of freedom: to some, it is a matter of sharing their space, time and resources with another person. Being free to do what they like as against what the other person likes.
(4) Negative or Traumatic Experiences: what if this person hurts and betrays them like their ex? What if those negative things that they have read or heard about others happens to them?
(5) Fear of the unknown: what if he/she stops loving me? What if I get tired of my spouse tomorrow? What if I outgrow my partner? What if I no longer love them again?
(6) Decision making: what if he/she wants a different thing from me? Etc.

The questions are many; you can add your own. But I will attempt to give solutions or provide answers to some of these queries by establishing some facts.

(1) Marriage itself is never the problem but marrying the wrong person. If you want your marriage to work make sure you marry the right person and to marry the right person focus on those qualities that matters the most when choosing a partner.
(2) It is possible to be happily married: if you marry the right person and you are ready to make your marriage work then you will enjoy it. Look at it as having a friend who is always there to help and support you both mentally and physically. Sometimes this friend may be good at certain things you are not good at, and this beautiful mix produces a happy home filled with love, peace, loyalty and true friendship.
(3) There’s never a perfect marriage: a good marriage sometimes faces challenges, just like there is bound to be challenges in every social settings. How you both handle the issue is very important, because it provides an opportunity to demonstrate commitment, loyalty, trust and love. It is foolish to compare your marriage to that of others knowing that who you are married to is different from the person you are comparing with.

(4) Prioritize knowledge: we were not taught in school on how to be a good husband or a good wife, but we can learn the basic principles that makes marriages works through books, seminars, conferences and watching online videos by reputable relationship/marriage coaches. This information will prepare you for what to expect and how to manage different situations in marriage. It is wrong to get into marriage without knowing and understanding the needs and expectations of your partner.

(5) Heal from the trauma: those negative experiences you had could be holding you back from getting married. That your saw your mom or dad suffer abuse in marriage does not mean that you too will be abused. Find out the mistakes they made and resolve not to make the same mistakes. Heal from negative trauma by identifying what these traumas are, when it happened, how it made you feel, what you became after it happened, how it is affecting you now, what currently triggers this feeling and decide on how to react whenever a similar situation occurs. You can visit a professional therapist if you can’t handle it on your own and follow through with whatever exercise the give you. Remember that you are not your past experiences.it is possible to find true love even after being betrayed and hurt in the past.

(6) Seek for God’s directio[/i]n. It is only God that understands the heart of men. Despite being in love with this person you have found or the one who has found you, ensure you pray about it and hear from God before saying I do. The Bible says that ‘there is a way that seems right unto a man but the end thereof leads to destruction. Pray and patiently wait till you hear from God making further decision.

(7) [i]Tune down on negative influences. When you continuously feed yourself with negative news about marriages this would instill fear and hatred in you about marriage. What we read, hear and watch will always affect us and shape the way we see things. Reduce feeding yourself with bad news on marriages and you will see a change.

( Marriage is about selflessness. If you cannot consider others in making decisions then you are not yet ready to marry or else you will frustrate your partner in marriage. As you have goals and passions to pursue so also do you partner? You will have to learn to make sacrifices and see how you both can meet each other at the middle. Sometimes it maybe your turn to sacrifice something and another time it could be your partner making the compromise. The problem is that people select a partner solely based on looks and finances neglecting qualities like kindness and emotional intelligence. A partner who is kind will always consider your point of view when making decisions and would not want to impose his/her decision on you.

In conclusion, to overcome gamophobia you have to understand the cause of your fear and seek for knowledge, clarity and help in dealing with it. You too can be happily married.

Imagine that the person you are dating now, that they tick all your boxes and that you are deeply in love with them only for your pastor or prophet to say that that person is not your wife or husband,what will you do?

I know somebody who's in a similar situation,hers is that her mother told her what their pastor back home said; that the man she's seeing now is not the will of God for her, and she's confused because according to her,she thought that this man will be her 'last bus stop' because she's tired of searching and she's not any younger.

To answer this question,I will consider two things
(a) On prophecy (b) on whose decision is it to choose.

On Prophecy

(1) Don't Despise Prophecy- The Bible admonishes that we should not treat prophecy with contempt but also that we should test all spirits and prove what is right. This is because there are other spirits behind prophecy.

Accuracy in prophecy does not mean it is the voice of God.

So don't be too quick to accept every prophecy over your life without investigating the spirit behind it and you investigate through prayer, fasting and waiting on God, also by listening to what your spirit is telling you.

Some people prophecy under the spirit of divination,yet their prophecy is correct but the source is not God, hence issues could spring up later.

Reject a prophecy if you think it is not the Spirit of God speaking.

If what you know is different from what they're telling you, please don't be quick to accept it without further scrutiny.

A woman of God once confided in me that even after 18 years of marriage to her husband,she still finds it difficult to kiss him because she feels that she married the wrong man. They prophesied to her that the man was the right one among many suitors that came for her,yet 18 years later she still feels resentment over her husband.

(3) Wrong interpretation of Visions
and dreams: [/b]Kenneth Hagin once told a story of a Pastor who prophesied over a man that he would be a global gospel singer just because he saw musical notes in the spirit around him, whereas the man was a business man who deals in musical instruments.

Imagine that this man had shut down his business to pursue music even though he was not gifted in music, he would have derailed just because of a prophecy. Just like different people can interpret a dream to have different meaning,so also different people can misinterpret what they see in visions or dreams, so be careful of every 'thus says the lord'.

(4) [b]God leads believers through the Holy Spirit not through Prophets/Pastors.

Every believer is led by God through the Holy Spirit. If you're not led by the Spirit it is because you have not accepted the lordship of Christ to become his child or you have not understood the many ways Holy Spirit leads us.

The prophet or pastor can only confirm what you know or what God has already told you in the place of prayer, except if God has been speaking to you but you still do not recognise his voice. E.g a friend of mine told me how he had been having dreams of travelling abroad, though he doesn't have the money. This dream kept coming to him on repeat,until one day his pastor told him that he will soon relocate abroad through the help of a friend.

Few months later it happened as the pastor said it. But remember that he already saw this coming in his dreams, so what the pastor did was to confirm to him what God has been showing him.

So who's decision is it to choose

(A) It is your decision and should not be the pastor's or the prophet's. To do so you have to be able to perceive things both physically- through communications and observations with the person.

Also through divine intervention because a man or lady may tick all your boxes for now, but would become problematic towards you in the future. Remember that the heart of a man is desperately wicked, who can know it except God. So be logical and spiritual where and when necessary.

Don't go to a pastor or a prophet with the list of your potential suitors when you have not prayed and heard from God about it. Because if they're wrong, you would base your decision on that wrong prophecy which would lead to regrets.

(B) Start by dating them to know more about them, because through your physical senses you can discern right from wrong.Also pray about it for God to guide you, so you would not be blinded by their pretense.

Remember that man throws the dice, but the outcome is from God. Good day.

EreluRoz:
I look down on small boys a lot , like if you are just five years older I'll be looking you less less and won't be able to be submissive except you get wisdom to handle me 😆

In that case it is better you go for who you can respect and submit to, so as not to frustrate anybody in marriage.

EreluRoz:
Yes it matters for someone like me, I can't marry someone within my age range, atleast 10years older. Only a matured man can handle me

Any major reason for choosing such age gap?

ItisWell22:
To a certain extent, it does.

When the difference is in excess, you have people from quite or maybe very different generations coming together.

Normally, people within same generation have issues; not to talk of a generation or 2 apart…

If people from the same generation gap like you alleged could have issues,it tells you that the problem is not the age gap. Maybe incompatibility issues.

I often get this question here,when people say 'I love her,but she's older than me,does it matter?'or 'I love him but she's younger than me,does it matter?'

To answer this question,I want to remind you that people marry for different motives which sometimes are unbeknown to them

E.g Some ladies are unwittingly looking for a father in the man they want to marry; someone who's more matured than them that could help them grow and fulfil their goals. So for that reason they're more attracted to older men.

Also, there are men who are seeking for a semblance of a mother in the woman they want to marry;that would fill the gap of the deceased or absent mother in their life, hence they are more attracted to older women who are more matured in thinking and are less dramatic.

Though some people marry due to financial reasons, beauty, emotional alignment, 'to please family and friends and online inlaws' and also for peace of mind. My point is that people marry for different reasons.

Who you marry determines what you prioritize, and what your prioritize determines your peace in that marriage .

What should matter most is the compatibility of values, belief systems, vision , true friendship, mutual respect and peace of mind. Other things like age gaps should not be as important as these other things.

Also maturity is not always a function of age. Some are in the 30's and 40's yet they still behave like teenagers, and some people though younger,yet they behave more responsibly and maturely.

The people who are bothered about age gaps are more concerned about respect, submission and maturity. But haven't you seen marriages with your ideal age gaps yet fight over this issues. This should tell you that the issue is beyond the age discrepancy.

Go for what matters most and not on what people would say. If you're happier with them then don't allow the age discrepancy to deter you,but ensure that he or she possess the right values and mindset that aligns with yours.

Except in cases where she's past menopause and you still wants to father a child,then considerations can be given. But if you're bothered whether or not it would be an issue in marriage, my answer is that it won't be IF there's mutual respect in such relationship, compatibility of values,belief system, vision, true friendship and mindset alignment.

If you fear that she would be domineering or he would be childish in reasoning because of the age difference, then remember that even without the age gap a person who has it in them to manifest such behaviours would always do so irrespective of their age. So seek for compatibility and not the age difference.

Fahvvy:
OP this write up is an amazing one, however, it is no news that single mothers are the least desirable set of women in the world ...

This isn't something new, it's factual! ...

I understand that they are men who will have no qualms being with a single mother and that's okay! ...

But most men will rather go for a young girl with as little a body count as possible, than go for single mothers REGARDLESS of how she became a single mother ...

It's just like how most women see broke men as bottom feeders REGARDLESS of how they got there ...

So rather than preach to us the types of single mothers, why not advice ladies to keep their legs closed ...

Cause you and I know that a woman's inability to make smart decisions in her young age is the MAJOR REASON why we have single mothers littered all over the place ...

Thanks for your take on this matter,but please understand that not all single mothers became one by opening their legs carelessly like you alleged,some lost their partners to early death,some were raped, some were divorced etc.

Yes, some are because of the wrong choices they made in life,but don't you think they deserve a second chance like every other human being? Are they worse than the people who have aborted many babies?

Secondly,if you go through most of my articles you would notice that I always discourage premarital sex before marriage. But seeing how single mothers are insulted and disrespected everyday by people who knows nothing about their story is really disturbing.

We can never correct people through hate but love,and we have to understand that no matter how careful we are, people will always make mistakes. So whilst we advise them to do the right thing, let us not despise or stigmatize those who have already made some mistakes in their past and are remorseful about it.

Dear Single mum,

How are you coping with raising a kid(s) alone? I know your pain and I know how you feel when people make a smirk remark about you.

To the society you have committed an unpardonable sin,and these people think that the punishment for this offense is to never be married to any man, because they they say you're a 'second hand product'.

To make matters worse,some kids refers to your child as a bastard,hence that child keeps asking you where's Daddy.

I know that if you have the power, maybe you could have done things differently this time. But remember that every human being on earth deserves a second chance.

What the society do not understand is that being a single mum could be due to different factors.

1) Death of a spouse: when one of the significant orders becomes deceased leaving you behind to take care of the kids alone. I know that in some cases people think you killed him.

2) Divorce/separation: sometimes marriage becomes toxic and a battle field threatening the life of the woman,even though it is hard to leave but to save herself,she seeks for divorce.

3)Rape & sexual abuse: sometimes even when you make the decision to avoid sex till marriage, fate strikes thrusting upon you a responsibility you are not prepared for. E.g some of you were drugged and raped,while some were raped at a gun point by brutal men.

4) Personal decisions: Some of you intentionally decided to have a baby out of wedlock because you feel time is running out and you are not getting younger and this marriage thing is taking time to happen.

5) Youthful exuberance/Naivety: He told you that the only way to prove you love him was to have sex with him,well what you don't know was that though he wanted to satisfy himself,yet he was not ready to shoulder responsibility because he was a teenager just like you who still depended on his parents. You were so naive and inexperienced and that was why he cashed in on that.

What about that uncle that always lures you in with money because he knows you are in a difficult place financially and now that it has happened,he has disappeared.

But for whatever reason it happened you should know that it is not the end of your life. If you're in this position and still wish to marry or remarry as the case maybe,the following things are what I want to tell you.

(1) Don't allow what people say(online/offline) to get to you: when you allow what they say get to you,you will begin to see yourself the way they present you. You would begin to think that nobody wants you. You would begin to go for lesser options.infact you would think that whoever proposes to marry you is only pitying you, hence you would accept just anybody.

I can hear people recommending old men to you or widowers, because they feel you're a second hand product.

Avoid reading, listening or watching things that degrades you and makes you feel worthless. Always affirm to yourself that you are not your mistake.

2) Add value to yourself: believe me there are still men who considers the value you are bringing to the table more than any other thing. Add value to yourself. Go back to school if you have to. Learn a profitable skill that can help you earn and to be able to take care of your kid without turning yourself into to a beggar. Men maybe attracted to you because of your body,but they would stay because of how valuable you are to them.

3) Don't Join miserably Company of friends: Because it was the guy's fault doesn't mean you should spend your whole life talking about him. Avoid platforms that are devoted to bashing men and insulting them everyday. It would only make you feel bitter and resentful towards the male folk. This could drive you into depression or give you a false sense of happiness which does not last. Make friends with normal people who are positive and are ready to take responsibility for their actions. Any solace you get embracing the wrong people will soon fizzle out .

4) Network and Mingle: let's face it,the people who are mocking you are not really better than you. Some of them have had many abortions or have paid for someone to have an abortion. Don't let it affect you. Mingle and network. You are not as old as they say. One thing with God is that he gives a second chance even though people thinks you don't deserve another chance,but what about them.

5) Don't believe their lies: people once told me that there are no jobs out there. I heard it repeatedly and so I endured in one miserable job. One day I decided to try, and that decision changed my life for good. What I am saying is that you should not believe them that nobody wants you. There are reasonable people out there,who will give up anything to be with a good woman.

6) Don't transfer aggression to your child: I know some of you are already transferring aggression to this innocent child. This is a wrong approach,the child deserves to be loved and not hated. Children are a blessing from God, no matter how they came to this earth. Learn to control your emotions around your child.

7) Learn to balance your affection: The child is your responsibility and not the man's responsibility, except if there's an agreement for him to do so depending on his capacity.

Stop billing the man all the time because you needed money for your child,in fact he's dating you and not your child. Don't feel he must carry all your burden when he's not God.

Also, learn to love the man and not make him feel used by you. Some of you talk about your child non stop, leaving the man wondering if you have any love for them at all or if you're just using them. Learn to balance the affection. You can love your child and still love him.

Never lower your values: You can make adjustments for each other when necessary,but never change your values because you are desperate to marry. In the end you will regret it.

9)Love yourself: love yourself enough to forgive yourself if you think it was your fault. Love yourself enough to quit listening to people who's opinion should not matter in your life. Forgive the other party if you're still sad about him and focus on the good side of life.

Just like we have witnessed many marriages of single mothers,we shall be here to rejoice with you when yours happen. Congratulations in advance.

You may be wondering why you always end up with toxic people in your life; people who hurt you in a love affair and treat you without respect. If you are this person,your question would be,'why do I always attract the wrong people in my life?'

1) Lack of standard: by standard I mean sets of values and belief systems that defines the way you live. For Example,If you value your faith in God,you wouldn't want to settle with someone who doesn't believe in God or that blasphemes God.

This makes it easier for you to accept or reject potential partners based on the standards that you have set for yourself as you already know what you want and what you don't want. Values can include honesty, hardworking, kindness, playfulness or joviality, empathy, supportiveness etc when you don't set a standard for yourself you will attract just anyone around.

2) Low self esteem: We always attract the people that mirrors how we see or feel about ourselves. If you think you don't deserve a good man simply because people made you believe that you're not good enough,when such person shows up you will be afraid to accept them because you think you're not worthy of them. You will see yourself attracted to people who mirrors your condition.

A guy I know in NYSC camp many years ago was very popular and loved by the ladies in the orientation camp, despite having severe fire burns on his skin, he was funny and speaks so confidently. He didn't allow his condition to make him shy away from mixing up with people. He ended up marrying a beautiful lady who loves him. He had a healthy self esteem and that helped him attract the right person into his life. Change the way you see yourself and people will learn from you on how to treat you better.

3) When you don't know what you want. Is like going for shopping without making a list. You would end up buying things you don't need only for you to discover later that you have missed out the most important things. You attract the wrong person because you have not made up your mind on the kind of person you want. If you make up your mind on the kind of person you want,it will be easier to reject some proposals no matter how enticing it is.

4) Your lifestyle: people of similar values attracts. You can't dress like a gangster and wants a responsible lady to take you serious. You're addressed the way you dress. There's a way you'd dress as a lady and small kids would woo you. You can't be rude and impolite and expect to attract a good partner who values peace of mind.

The energy you give out is the energy that comes back to you.

5) Ostentatious display: when you engage in excessive affluent display of wealth, so Many kinds of people will be drawn to you, because of what you have or what you pretend to have. Adopt a moderate way of living that will not attract too many attention to you.

6) Environment: sometimes the quality of your environment will determine the quality of the people you will meet. Knowing that we are the product of our environment, should indicate to you the right environment to move to as to attract the right person. There could be exceptions to this rule,but it doesn't invalidate how much effect the environment plays on people.

7) Association: When you're friends with fools,it is still the same fools that will ask you out. Being intentional in making friends with the right set of people and belonging to the right association will increase your chances of being attracted to the right person.

[b]Bypassing the Friendship stage: [/b]Many people go straight into intimacy or marriage without becoming friends, simply because they believe time is against them, so they settle for whoever is available not desirable.

The friendship stage is a stage where you are just friends with them. No form of intimacy or sex, meaning if it doesn't work you can easily separate without losing anything. As friends you can get to know each other better and then decide if you're just mesmerized by their looks or you really like the person. People pretend a lot when you promise to marry them at the first date. But as friends they'll show their true colours because you're not in a hurry. For you not to attract the wrong partner first be friends with them in a non intimate affair.

Happy birthday Damian!

MrBrownJay1:
here below is exactly the type of person looking for someone to date/marry her out of pity....

https://www.nairaland.com/8130479/need-husband-lady-cries-out

You are a funny person.

helinues:
Which one is what to do?

Pettiness supposed no dey in love.

If you don't have love map, then you are likely going to marry out of pity

People can dislike others because of their idea of a perfect partner syndrome which has etched deep into their subconscious mind through movies they have watched, novels and magazines they have read and images they have built in their mind through maladaptive daydreaming. This kind of reasons contradicts reality and so such person should be taught to not choose a partner based on these biases.

Not everybody understands to separate pettiness from love.

Have you ever said Yes to a dating/marriage proposal because of how nice they were to you even when you don't like them and now you are finding it difficult to give your best to that relationship/marriage?

This is called pity dating or pity relationship. You accept them out of pity because of what you have benefitted from them or because you find it hard saying No to them so you don't hurt them.

Your reasons for saying YES could be because
1) You don't want to offend them by given them a negative reply thereby hurting yourself and living in regrets. Some people find it difficult to say NO and this affects them later. You may think you're hurting them by refusing their proposal,but in the real sense you're helping them by being honest with your feelings as the lies would eventually hurt them more than the truth.

2) You were pressured by others to accept them. People can be selfish even when it looks like they're helping you. It is possible that they're coercing you against your wish because of other things they would benefit or have benefitted from this person. If you think their reasons are not valid please don't accept such. Remember that they would not be in that marriage or relationship with you when the going gets bad. It is your choice to decide, so do not outsource such important decision.

3) You don't want to lose whatever you're getting from them. This reason could boomerang at you if they get to know the truth. If they get to know that you are attracted to the things you get from them and not them,this could make their behaviour change towards you. Some could make that relationship/marriage a living hell for you, and with such great animosity true friendship and love would never thrive in this kind of marriage/relationship. Eventually,you would leave or they leave when the truth is out.

4) You want to use them as an emotional support pending when you find the one you truly love. I always tell people who had a painful break up with their exes that what they needed is to heal and not to get into another relationship for now, because such broken people who fears to be alone end up using and hurting others the way they were hurt too.



How to avoid getting into pity dating/Marriage


1) learn to say No When you do not want something. Like I said earlier,being honest with your feelings will save both of you from this kind of situationship.

2) Define the relationship: don't lead people on when you don't like them. Have that honest conversation with them on what this is all about,and make your stand clear.

This applies to the both sides, don't assume they are in a relationship with you when you have not made your intentions known to them. Have that uncomfortable discussion early enough before going all out for them.

3) understand that people can entice you with gifts. They can buy your loyalty with money. They can even enslave you sexually using material things. Hence I say this, don't request from people or accept from people what you know would give them the impression that you are in love with them.

Usually people reason that the more gift you accept from them or demand from them ,it means that you have accepted to do whatever they want from you.

Also don't give out what you can't forgo in the long run and don't accept whatever will make you feel guilty. Be reasonable in your demands and be wary in accepting gifts.

4) Don't force it if it is not working.

I know you love them,but people deserve the right to choose too. Stop forcing people to accept your proposal when they're reluctant to accepting it. You can woo people but don't force a relationship on them or manipulate them into one. It is better to be single than to be yoked with a partner that doesn't love you. If you achieve it by force it will take force to make them stay and to love you.

5) Don't lean on the wrong people for emotional support. If you were traumatised in a relationship, please heal before entering into another. Don't let the fear of being alone make you embrace a person you don't love or respect. You may think you're using people only to get into a big mess.


What to do if you already in such relationship

1) Open up to them about how you feel: this would make them understand why you have not been requiting their love and for some, they may accept for a break up. Keeping it a secret would further put a strain to that relationship,thereby making both parties unhappy. Do it gently without using hurtful words. If you feel you need to return some of things they gave you,then go ahead as this would make them see how sincere and genuine you are.

If you fear they may get violent or fight you, go with someone or speak to people they respect to raise this issue with them.

2) [i]If you are already married to them, then do this. [/i]Find out why you don't love them yet. Sometimes our decisions are influenced by others or by petty reasons which are not important to our happiness.

Understand that genuine love grows with time. Feelings are real but not always right. You may not like a person even before you meet them,but over time you find out that you can't do without that person, because there so many good things about them.

Secondly, make a list of the good things about them and ponder on this list . You would discover that there are many good things about them which you're not seeing only because you are focusing on the things you don't like about them. Understand that in marriage love is not enough. Give it time, the love will grow only if you focus on the good things about them.

Most men have a list of some of the things they want in a woman, some are important and others are not so important, and in this article you would discover the things that are most important to men.

1) Physical looks: No matter how much we try to downplay physical looks when it comes to relationship/marriage,the truth is that most men considers looks when they are choosing a partner.

What appeals to one man may not appeal to another. So no matter how a woman looks, there's a man somewhere that would fancy her .

External beauty can attract a man,but it takes an inner beauty (which is her character) to keep the man. Many ladies are beautiful,but not all beautiful ladies are married. Some because their character are not sufficient enough to convince a man to marry them.

This is why in some cases the guy settles with the least beautiful lady because of her beautiful character.So while striving to improve your outer look,also work on your character.

2) A respectful woman: some men values respect more than love. If you cannot acknowledge his headship over you as a woman, that could be a reason why he would not want to take the relationship further. He wants to be treated as a king with dignity. He wants to know that you value him, he wants to know that you appreciate his efforts. The way you treat him would determine if he has found the right one or to continue to search for another.

3) Commitment: by committment he wants to know the level of your loyalty and support in good times as well as in difficult times. This is important to him because some women changes when the money is no longer there. He wants to know if your commitment to him is beyond the challenges that are associated with marriages or if your loyalty and support wanes immediately things goes south.

4) Supportive: A woman's support can help a man achieve his goals faster and happier,but when she's not supportive many men struggles in marriage. Men wants a supportive woman,who can support them morally, financially, intellectually,emotionally and psychologically. It is every man's dream to marry a supportive wife.

5) An understanding woman: An understanding woman makes life easier and beautiful to navigate. She knows what makes a man happy and what makes for his peace and she gives him that. She's considerate and empathetic. such is a man's best friend and that's why many men would pay millions in bride price so as to marry her.

6) A Friend: it is a nice combination to have a wife and a friend in one partner. With her there's no dull moment. Her vibes gives you good reasons to stay at home on weekends rather than hanging out with the boys. She can gist,play, joke and have fun. Many men envies a man that have that kind of wife who has good social skills.

7) God-fearing: A God fearing woman is the best prize a man can get in marriage. A God fearing woman would not do certain things even if she's tempted to because she fears God. Her love for God would not allow her to keep malice or to work against her husband's interest. They're faithful and honest not because they love the man, but because they honour God's command in marriage.

Such women when you continuously offend them and they report you to God, sorry for you . God-fearing is not the same thing as being religious. It is living to please and honour God in all things. It is shown by the character and not by religious performance.

Maturity: maturity is not age, it is about how we understand life and respond to things. A matured woman is a woman who's grounded and secured in herself. She's contented in what she has. she's not moved by trends or fashion if she cannot afford it,but works hard to improve her situation. Check some of the men that brags openly about their wife and you would see what I am saying.

9)Kind and caring: A kind and caring woman would make a man return home on time after work, because she genuinely cares about your needs and would do anything to meet those needs. She notices the slightest change in your mood and would cheer you up when you're feeling down. She anticipates your needs and makes plans for it even before you ask, hence most men are in a hot search for a kind and caring women.

A man is sure he has found the right one when he sees these attributes in a woman. You may not have all of this as a woman but you can work to improve on what you have . I would do a sequel for the kind of men women wants,watch it for it.

Happy birthday Maureen!

Once in a while some relationships/Marriages would slip into a loveless affair, of which if nothing is done to revive it at this point, it could lead to a break up or in case of marriage, it could lead to a divorce.

A loveless relationship/marriage is one where the couples involved lives as roommates without any affection. It is a relationship where the love has waned and is gradually fading away everyday.

SIGNS OF A LOVELESS RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE

1) Break down in communication-

At this point the couples hides secrets from themselves,they are no longer open with themselves. They give themselves cold treatment and would often not say anything whenever they're together.

2) Unhappiness and depression: this triggers emotional stress.

3) When sex becomes an obligation or chore rather than fun. They have sex because they need to not because they wants to.

4) frequent malice and quarrel: at this point they quarrel a lot and even insult each other.

5) ignoring/neglecting the needs of your partner.

6) when couples no longer play and joke together.

7) when you no longer feel excited about your partner.

CAUSES OF A LOVELESS AFFAIR

1) un-forgiveness- when couples are unwilling to forgive each other or are still angry with each other. If this is not checked the spark would dwindle and may lead to a total breakdown of that union.

2) Unresolved issues - when issues are not timely dealt with and each couples are keeping tracks of wrong, this can result into a loveless affair. Issues are to be discussed and dealt with immediately as they occur.let your partner know that you're not happy,rather than bottling such emotions for a long time.

3) Lack of Quality time- when couples becomes too busy with work or personal goals, ignoring the need to spend time with each other,such union is gradually heading down the hills. No matter how busy you are, always create time for each other. Learn not to always press your phone when you're with your partner. Create time to talk and for other fun activities.

4) Neglecting/Ignoring each other - Some partner undermine each others needs. Some people are always praying and fasting Neglecting their partners sexual needs. This spiritual activities are useful, but should not interfere with your love affairs at all time.

HOW DOES IT AFFECT THE RELATIONSHIP

1) This would lead to lack of harmony: when there's no harmony in the relationship nothing can be achieved. Everybody plays solo rather than coming together to build together.

2) Depression: This would trigger emotional stress
3)Lack of peace : the fightings and the frequent quarrels would affect the peace at home. This would create a toxic environment where nothing good thrives.
4) Lack of freedom: sometimes such environment becomes uncomfortable and people are afraid of saying their mind because of fear of what would happen. People are afraid of what could happen to each other if everything totally breaks down.

HOW TO RESTORE THE SPARK/HANDLE IT

1) Acknowledge the issue at hand rather than living in denial. Accept the role you played in contributing to the melee and also accept that something needs to be done urgently.

2) If you are already tired of the relationship and about to give up. Remind yourself of why you chose this person. Write down the good things about this person that you like, because no matter how bad a person is there are still something good about them. Juggle your memory by checking out pictures, videos,chats and anything that reminds you of the good old days. This would give you the strength to want to repair the broken union.

3) Discuss about it: Have an honest open discussion about it with your partner. Don't be defensive or argumentative when this issues is discussed. Acknowledge your fault and promise to do better. Discuss each other needs in this relationship and agree on how these needs can be met.

4) Encourage your partner to suggest solutions: People feel incharge when they are asked to suggest what should be done rather than being told what to do.

5) Bring back the romance. Re-introduce those fun activities that ignited that spark in the first place. E.g play games together, tell jokes about each other,go for dates and movie nights, visit new places,hang out together, show interest in those things your partner likes. Etc

6) Create time for each other. Separate work from fun. There should be time for family.

7) Seek for professional help: when the above options are exhausted and still things are not working, then go for a couple therapy; where a professional would help diagnose the real issues and help reignite the love.

In conclusion,it is possible to reignite the spark and restore love into that loveless affairs with intentionality and acknowledgement of the issues at hand.

For more questions and opinions,drop your comments in the comments section below.

It is painful to be the only one in love. In such situations you would notice that you're the only one working hard to see the relationship succeed. The other partner would make promises yet they would break it, So you wonder if they really love you or they're faking it. the following points are how you can know they love you.

1) They include you in their plans(both present and future plans).

One way you can know that they love you is that they include you in their plans. If they are talking about the future without you in it ,my dear, you are on your own. When you really love somebody you plan for them as you are planning for yourself, because you are seeing a great future together with them.

2) Level of commitment
Commitment is a decision to love somebody in their good times and in even in their worst days. I know of a guy, that had issues with his girlfriend and for some days they were not talking. So one day, the lady called the guy to pick her school fees receipt that she forgot in his house. The guy refused to pick her calls ,and even ignored her messages just because they had little issue. Eventually she missed that exam. A guy who is committed in that relationship would go out of his way to help out despite their issues. It shows that you still love them despite their flaws. You don't love people only when they do what you like, you also show love to them even when they don't live up to your expectations. Commitment goes beyond how you feel,it is that even if you don't feel like loving that person because they did you wrong,but you still have to because you are committed to that person.

3) Trust

Trust is the glue that binds love, without it there's no love. If they still hide so many things from you despite proving to them that you can be trusted,it means that that love is not real. Such person can still change their mind about you and dump you.

4) Sacrifice and Giving.

If they love you they will show it by how much they can sacrifice and give. By giving I don't mean only material things,though it is inclusive. Someone can sacrifice their time,their energy,their connections/network,their resources for you because they really love you. But you don't judge their love by how expensive the gift they gave you is, because sometimes they don't have enough themselves. Also not all gifts shows that they really love you, because some can buy your loyalty with money or sexually enslave you using money. So the love behind the giving is what matters and not necessarily the gifts.

If they have and cannot give,it shows that they don't really love you. If they are nice to you only when you give them money or buy them gifts, but changes when you can't afford to, they don't love you.

4) Protection and affirmation.

I know a guy back in my school days that was dating a lady. This guy has never introduced him to us(his friends) as his girlfriend. He always hangs out with her only at night and when one of us made a silly joke mocking her,he didn't defend her but also laughed. He avoided being seen with her in public. Eventually the lady broke up with him. If they're not proud of you before others, my dear they don't really love you. If they are only nice to you when they need sex but changes after sex,my dear they don't really love you.

A person who loves you will be proud of you anywhere. They'll defend you before friends and family. They'll affirm and reaffirm their love for you, without seeing it as a burden. You may not be the most handsome or beautiful but they'll treat you like one.

5) loyalty and Support

How can someone say they love you and not support you. If they're threatened by your goals and dreams that is a big red flag. Support can be moral, emotional, intellectual, material, motivational, encouragement etc.

6) Attitude

How they treat you or react to things that concerns you can really show how truly they love you. You can't treat people as trash and say you love them. If they love you they would treat you with respect and dignity. They won't start insulting you over a little mistake. They would make effort to make you happy. They would listen and respond positively to your pains and heartache.

In conclusion,note that sex is not an evidence of true love especially to a man. A man can have sex with you because he has the urge to have sex,without attaching any emotions to it. Also gifts can be given for different reasons besides as an expression of love. Finally, you don't expect people to bear all your financial burdens because they love you, it shows that you have a sense of entitlement to things that are not yours and that you're irresponsible. They can only support based on what they can afford.

In my experience as a relationship coach and as a counsellor,I have come to discover that there are people you cannot help.

The reason is that they will not make use you of whatever wise counsel or help you offer to them.

They believe that they're okay where they are,yet some of them will still complain when things do not go as they planned.

1) Those that think that their situation is normal. These category of people believes that it is normal to experience whatever they're experiencing in their relationship. These are the people that always generalises some toxic phenomenon in relationships.

E.g some guys would say all ladies are stingy,they don't like to spend on their guys. My guy, this is a big lie. A lady who's in love would spend on his man. Giving is an evidence of true love. If she can't spend on you no matter how little she has, it shows how little she loves you, because there are many guys who are in a relationship that would disagree with you using their girlfriends as a reference.

Another example are ladies who believes that all men are cheats. That a man cannot stay faithful to one woman. This kind of people have made up their mind to endure rather than enjoy their relationship/marriage. It is hard trying to convince them otherwise as they have made up their mind on this matter.

2) People with the saviour mentality: He beats you black and blue and two days later , he kneels down on his knee to propose to you. The same you that cried for days is now jumping and screaming in excitement. Your friends are wondering and asking you to leave this guy that a guy with this kind of anger issues will send you to your early grave. You laugh and tell them that he will change once you're married to him.

This type of people believes that they can change their partner to be like what they are imagining in their heads,no matter how bad he/she is now. So even if you're showing them the red flags they will still ignore,because in their minds they have planned everything out.

3) The people who hides everything from everyone about their relationship. This type of people are considered to be the most complicated ones in this list. They will smile and laugh with you,but every night they are crying about their partner.

Everybody around them believes that there relationship is the best because of how they pretend on the outside not knowing the kind of hell they are into. The worst thing is that they would never let anybody know what they are going through. How can you help someone when you don't know what they're going through?

4) The people who always think it is their fault whenever there are issues in their relationship.Even when they do all the right things for their partner and yet their partner misbehaves,they would still think it is their fault.

This kind of people are hard to convince that they're in a toxic relationship and so they're difficult to help.

This are the people that will blame themselves for why their partner cheated on them; they would say maybe we didn't give them enough sex, maybe we didn't give them enough attention, maybe we didn't give them enough money.


5) People pleasers/ Emotional thinkers: This category of people are very emotional in making decisions. They feel guilty if they don't do whatever there partner is asking them, not minding if it is right or wrong. A lady takes huge loan from his office,to give to a guy he just met few days ago, because she feels the guy would be offended if he doesn't help him and besides from what the guy is telling her, she's sure that he loves her.

When he disappears with the money she comes on social media to call him out. This type have low self esteem. They are afraid that if the one that they are with leaves them they'll never be able to get another person,hence they do whatever they tell them to do. No matter what you tell this person,they will still go back and continue with what they're doing till they are dumped or scammed.

But that they are difficult to help does not mean we should abandon them. Always try to reason with them in a gentle manner and pray that someday they'll see things clearly.

Let me know what you think in the comment section or if you wish to add to the list.

Most people I have had opportunity to interact with have experienced heartbreaks in relationship at one time or the other and this experience is usually not funny at all. Some people refers to it as being 'served breakfast' in a relationship.

How people react to heartbreaks in relationships is important to how they will treat every other relationships.

'Heartbreak is a very great sadness and emotional suffering, especially after the end of a love affair or close of a relationship'.

This experience can cause different reactions among people
1) Some would start dreading anything relationships and start having trust issues.
2) Some would develop low self esteem.
3) Some would want to revenge by deliberately breaking other people's heart.
4) Some would fight back; killing themselves and/or other people involved.
5) It triggers mental health issues in some people.
6) It triggers depression and suicidal thoughts for some.

Heartbreak is usually painful when the victim was so committed to that relationship and was not expecting it to happen.

In handling heart breaks you have to understand that it is not the end of life. Your life and happiness will not end simply because somebody exited your life. It has happened to others and if they survived it, you too can survive it. Treat what happened to you as a feedback on how to better manage your emotions, conflicts and people.

Also, quit blaming yourself for the heartbreak. Realise that some people are manipulative such that they would find a way to say that it was your fault, whereas you are not the main reason why they wanted out. People can end a relationship due to many reasons, which cannot be traced to you.

HOW NOT TO HANDLE HEARTBREAKS

1)Stalking your Ex lover. Though the relationship has ended some people still stalk their ex to know who they're currently dating and what they are doing per time. This shows you are still stuck in the past. Accept that it has ended and move on. Some people open anonymous account on social media just to spy on their ex lovers everyday.

2) Alcohol and Substance abuse. Some start taking drugs and alcohol as a way of killing the pains temporarily. This can result into serious health issues or dangerous addictions.

3) Bitterness and Un-forgiveness: Some are still angry and bitter over their exes and so any opportunity they get they'll start cursing and insulting the person.

I usually ask my clients during counselling that,this person you're cursing If they're to come back and apologise,will you still accept them. Many of them would say No. Then I ask them, why are you still given them too much space in your mind when you don't need them again. Can't you see how this is affecting your peace and possibly your current happiness.

If you think they deserve to be punished for how they treated you, kindly leave it to God to avenge you. Even without you cursing them,life would somehow humble them and make them realise how bad they messed up in the past. But even if this doesn't happen, forgive and move on and stop crying over spilt milk.

4) Unnecessary comparison: this happens especially when it was you fault, you find yourself comparing every person you meet to your ex because somehow they had set a very high standard before leaving you. This is why no matter what your partner does to you,you are still not happy because they didn't do it the way the other person use to do.
5) listening to heartbreak songs or watching movies on this theme.
6) Seeing everybody as the same. Believing that all men are the same or that all women are the same. This mindset will sabotage any new relationship you will have as you would find it difficult to trust anybody, because in your mind they will leave you once they get what they want.

HOW TO MANAGE HEARTBREAK

1) Understand that it is not the end of life. It is not worth killing yourself over it. Cry if you have to,but don't stop living. Seek for a professional help or solicit help from someone who is matured enough to help you if you're finding it difficult to move on.

2) Quit blaming yourself: sometimes the reason for which they left you cannot be traced to your own making. People can leave for personal reasons. Don't let them gaslight you that it was all your fault, whereas they cooked up this stories to justify their actions.

2) Get busy. Use this time to explore new hobbies and personal project that you have always wanted to do. When you focus on work your attention will be channelled into what you're doing such that you won't have time to start reminiscing about the past. Travel if you can afford to.

2) Isolation should be avoided. Socialise and mingle with others as this will minimise the number of times you fixate about this person. Focus on making friends rather than seeking for new partners. Hang around positive minded people.

3) If you must listen to songs or watch movies, make sure that the theme is centered on positives things about life;on hope,joy,laughter and compassion.

4) Heal from the trauma before entering another relationship. Most people's reaction to new relationships are based on how they were treated In their past relationships. As a result some would become insecured, hard to love and express emotions,stingy, passive in commitment etc. Some can't even trace their negative responses to the event in the past. So the new partner suffers for the wrong of the one that 'served you breakfast'.

5) Learn from your mistakes. Before entering into a new relationship,make sure you have distilled valuable lessons from the failed relationship. Example;if you ignored your instincts or red flags in making decisions,this time around you need to do better.if you had anger issues then,now it is time to work on yourself.

6) Forgiveness: it is important that you forgive as it is pivotal to you moving on. Put everything behind you and start afresh. what you forgive has no power to break you anymore.

In conclusion, what cannot break you will make you stronger.

A lady once told me that she started bleaching her skin because the big boys around her were hitting on her friends that were fair in complexion. She told me that men are hypocrites when they say that black is beautiful,yet the same men will give you funny nicknames for being too black. Today she says she regrets it, because some of those cream damaged her skin badly.

A young man also told me that he changed his lifestyle because of his girlfriend ;so he started smoking and drinking heavily. He got a tattoo of her name on his body. They visited club houses and party halls and popped pills together. Eventually the girl broke up with him, and today she's married to a pastor. The young man is yet to move on.

The need to be loved and validated by others has driven people into dangerous extremes,of which they now live in regrets.

Any relationship that will make you change into whom you're not is not worth it. Any relationship where you're given conditions before you are accepted or loved is not worth it . Respect yourself enough to walk out from such relationship.

Make new friends and be patient,the right person for you will come. Don't allow the fear of being left alone make you put up with a partner that isn't proud of you. Marriage is a long journey that you shouldn't start it if you're not comfortable and prepared.

The way you love and value yourself is the way people will treat you. Don't lower the standard because you are too desperate for love. If you allow them treat you like nothing now that you're single,the disrespect will be worse when you are married to them.

Learn to love yourself.

I can boldly tell you that one of the reasons for infidelity in marriages is traced to premarital sex a.k.a fornication . People have found a good reason to sleep around before marriage simply because they're testing for sexual compatibility.

They say, how can you buy a car without testing it,what if it doesn't live up to expectation.

The problem however is that people over time of checking themselves out forms the habit of promiscuity and at that time self control becomes a problem.

Some hope that all this will stop once they get married,but unfortunately marriage will only aggravate whatever flaws you have, because in marriage you don't have any need to pretend again after you have won that person's heart and have seen all of them.

The same way you'd get bored and tired of sleeping with one person when you were single because you had many options ,is the same way that you'd get tired of your partner in marriage and then you will start exploring different options aside your partner as you use to do before.

My point is that this promiscuous habit started with you testing every lady and guy out there for sexual compatibility.

Most people who were sexually molested and abused early in life continuously,ended up becoming sexual addicts and molesters if they were not counselled and given the right therapy. When you try to trace their reasons for being sexually wild, they would tell you that it started with that one sexual abuse, which led to many.

Premarital sex has become rampart now, because people believe that God is not smart for saying that intending couples should keep themselves pure before going into marriage,but the staggering statistics of sexual infidelity in marriages proves that indeed he is a wise and a smart God.

Exposing yourself to sexual acts before marriage will predispose you to a lot troubles which could be an issue in marriage. The man who can have sex with you every two hours before marriage,can suddenly lose the urge when responsibilities starts coming in marriage and because you can't do without sex a day, you would resort to masturbation or sleeping with other partners.


A woman who would respond positively to you every second you ask for sex when you were single can suddenly not be able to keep up to your pace,as she has to nurse two kids,cook and wash and also go to work,hence you would start exploring other means because you have become a slave to sex that you can't do without it.

Some people say that what if he can't sustain an erection,how would you know? There are several medical test you can both go for to ascertain these things and sexual acts can be learned, except you're going into extremes that could land somebody into problem.


Having sex with someone that you're not married to can create an emotional bond that even if you separate from that person you would still be reminiscing about your encounters with her. This is why some married women go back to their exes for sexual satisfaction. Premarital sex can affect your thinking process in settling down with the wrong person, because you're blinded by the sexual pleasures you derive from them over making logical decisions.

Is it not funny that when we tell people to abstain from fornication when They're single they refuse, now that they're married you're begging them to have sex and they're giving too many excuses. I have heard of couples that have sex once in three months,yet when they were dating they almost killed themselves with sex.

That thing you're doing in secret, you will soon get tired of it. Learn sexual discipline and self control now you're single to avoid ruining your beautiful marriage and even your life.

Ask a lady the kind of man she wants and she would mention many things, including that the guy should be God fearing.

Ask the guy too and he would also mention a God fearing lady. Why do we all need a God-fearing spouse and how do we know one.

It is important that I bring up this issue because many people are too naive to spot the real from the fake. Many years ago, I too was fooled by people who were just pretending to be God fearing but they were not.

A God fearing person is one who reverence God in everything he does. They considers what God would think or say about the actions they're about to take. They're God conscious and not people pleasers. They live to please God,even if their ego is bruised.

I remember my first year in marriage, whenever I was angry with my wife and I wouldn't want to talk to her , because I felt she was wrong,the Spirit of God in me would begin to caution me to go make peace with her. Even though I felt I was right and as a man you feel it is demeaning for you to be the one apologizing to your wife,but because I feared God, I would do what He ask me to do.

I use to work in an organisation with men that believes that it is normal for a man to have a side chick besides his wife. So they would rent an apartment for their girlfriends and lie to their wives that they were traveling for trainings or company related assignments especially during the weekends, just for them to be with their side chicks. As a man I was tempted to do so,but because I know God sees every move I make,that made me not to yield to such temptation. I wasn't doing it because I love my wife, but mainly because I feared God. A God fearing man wouldn't want to do some certain things others are doing if God does not approve it.

A God fearing man will not ask you to pull your pants and bra when you visit him(He may feel tempted,but the love Of God will restrain him). A God fearing man would not defraud you in a business transaction. A God fearing man would not lie to deceive you. They can be tempted,but their ability to resist the temptation is because they feared God. It doesn't mean that those who falls into such temptations are more evil ,it is just that their love for God has not permeated their daily activities;they still separate God from business or that they still yield to the lust of the flesh more than the Spirit of God.

Carrying Bible and being punctual to church activities does not mean they fear God. Being called a man of God, a Pastor, an Evangelist or a prophetess does not mean they fear God. In fact people these days use title to deceive others,so be careful. That she wears long gowns and ties headscarf everyday does not mean she fears God. That she doesn't have any tattoos or piercings does not mean she fears God.Even religious extremist do the same and yet their heart is full of wickedness.

It is by their fruits(godly character)that you can know them. You can preach a sermon by the way you live your life without saying a word. I am not saying that people shouldn't dress decently or live moderately,my point is that relying on outward appearance in making marriage decisions could result into regrettable mistakes.

I have counselled people who said they were deceived by their spouses. One man said,that one of the reasons that made him marry his wife was how she use to pray in church. Few weeks after they got married the woman no more prays even when he tries to encourage her.

One guy told me that he thought his wife was an innocent church girl because of the way she dressed even outside the church, only for him to discover that she was violent and abusive whenever they had issues. She dressed that way because of her strict Dad that frowns at indecent dressing.

I have heard of pastors and elders in church who beat their wives and sleeps with other women,yet they appears holy in the church. Maybe it is this false façade that made the women fall for them.

This is why even in the church people married church members and still regretted it because they felt the church was the safest place to pick a wife,but their problem was that they couldn't differentiate between a religious person from a God fearing person. You need to be both discerning and observant if not, you too can be fooled by anybody.

So I would counsel that you should observe their character more than their appearance and their religiosity, and that you should ask God to help you to discern right from wrong in choosing a partner.

MrBrownJay1:
sometimes, yes.... and other times, let them taste your wrath.

no two interactions are the same and each interactions must be evaluated, and sadly sometimes, only your wrath will do!

example: your woman keeps being violent and putting hands on you, and no matter how you try to explain to her that she must respect you and your body, she keeps putting hands on you (slapping you etc)... the only solution here is to SLAP HER BACK so she can feel your wrath and never wrongly assume "again" that your silence means weakness.

thats the only way some people out there learn... because many will wrongly believe that your silence is weakness.

You're right,but remember that an eye for an eye makes the world blind. Why not leave such toxic relationship, than carrying out a revenge that could leave her paralyzed; I mean she's a lady and you're a guy. If you injure her even some of your guys will take side with her against you.

Don't allow what they did or say to you In those heated emotional moments to keep controlling your life. The people who said most of these mean things to you have probably forgotten it, why should you still keep remembering them.

The more you remember these things,the more angry you'd get and that is why you're on a revenge mission to prove a point by hurting others. Two wrong they said does not make a right.

You don't become bad because they despised you for being good. See it that it is there loss that they didn't cherish this rare specie of a human being. Someone else will come into your life who would adore you because you are the answer to their prayers.

Make peace with the fact that not every person would appreciate your awesomeness and uniqueness,some would despise you because they're already broken and don't know it. The world is filled with selfish people who doesn't care about others, but I adjure you to be different.

Don't hurt other people because you were hurt. Let the oppression and the mistreatment end with you. Hearken to the whispers of your conscience and let your goodness be known to all men. Be that survivor that is willing to help others survive.

Good evening.

Assumption they say is the lowest form of Knowledge. Some people live in the bubble of their imagination believing everything will be fine when they have not made effort to prove their assumption.

Because he always invites you over to his house and you spend weekends performing wife duties for him does not mean he will marry you. Some how you understand what I am saying but you want to keep assuming and fooling yourself that he will do the needful when the time comes.

Have you had that discussion with him? If you have,does his action prove that he's serious with what he said to you? If the answer is No, why are you still glued to that relationship as if he's the only eligible bachelor in town?

To avoid time wasters you have to be intentional from the start. This applies both to the guys and the ladies, because I see a lot of guys spending a lot on a lady that is not even interested in them, and eventually the guy will be disappointed.

A friend told me how he met a lady on a Christian dating App,immediately he reached out to her, she asked him a question that made him to chicken out. He asked him 'if he was ready for marriage and when he would want to start the marriage plans because she doesn't have time for long dating'.

My friend ran away, calling her a desperado. I really like her courage, because she knows what she wanted and was not ready to back down, though I wish she had that courage when she was still in her twenties and was loyal to the wrong person.

I usually ask guys during relationship seminars if they were single, some would say No. Then I probe them further by asking when are they planning to get married. Some would say they don't know, others would make excuses based on their financial capacity.

Now the ones who said they don't know when they'll get married,yet they have girlfriends are usually the ones that would waste your time the most. Whoever they are dating is somewhere planning a wedding in their heads whereas the guy is not aware, and is not even ready for committment.

A serious guy would have a vision of where his relationship with you is heading to and if it not heading into marriage he would tell you on time. As a lady,if you discover that there's no direction or vision in your relationship,it is time to have that discussion with him and if nothing changes then I advise you to move on,on time. Stop assuming he would do the needful.

Ladies learn to think like a guy even though you are a lady; define what you want and tell him in plain language. Stop speaking in coded languages or assuming things in your head and believing that he'll understand the signals you're transmitting to him.

It is better to be called a desperate lady for wanting what you want,than to be called an evening newspaper for dying in silence after a wasted years with him.

Many guys would not like what I am saying,but imagine if this lady is your sister or your daughter that is in this situation,what will you tell her.

My point is that,if it not working stop wasting your time and move on. His actions are the clues you need to know how serious he is,not his sweet talks. A serious guy doesn't need 4 years of dating to confirm if you're a good wife material. But if you refuse to be wise and smart,you will be the one crying when we he's taking his bride to the altar. To you you are being loyal, to him you're an instrument of pleasure.

Guys,if the lady is not serious by her actions, please call it quit immediately. Stop saying I love her and I can't live without her. It is that weakness of yours that is making her to misbehave, because she knows that you will accept whatever nonsense she's ditching at you.

See, if you don't act with wisdom you will be an example of a fool, though people will sympathise with you but they'll swear never to be like you. I know some cases are more complicated,but this is where it starts.

I am sorry for sounding harsh this morning,just that I am handling a similar case of a lady who has dated a particular guy for 6 years and now the guy has just printed his wedding card to wed another lady. She saw the signs earlier but ignored, hoping that he would change and later marry her.

In the West,the decision to marry is between the man and the woman. The parents doesn't necessarily have to give their consent. Though some of them do it out of respect for their parents, especially the blacks, Indians and Asian families living in the West.

However,in our African clime it is an important tradition to introduce your intending spouse to your parents and to seek for their blessings.

The challenge is that sometimes they may disapprove of our choices of partners and this is where many people are confused on what to do. I often get this kind of cases and it is really a difficult one to handle, especially when the couples are deeply in love with the hope of tying the knot some day.

I have heard of couples who eloped to a different location against their parents wishes and settled there as married couples. Some did it and it eventually worked out fine for them, while others regretted that action.

First, parental blessings and consent are very important, because as a parent you wouldn't want your child to make mistakes in marriage.

Your parents may disagree with your choice of partner for the following reasons.

1) As a result of their findings. Some of them do a thorough background check of the family that their child is going into,because some cultures and families maltreat women a lot. Some practice strange traditions that are un-christian. Some dig deep to find out what you do for a living beyond what you have told them.

2) Observation - through their interactions and observations they may reach some conclusions about your partner. E.g He/she is lazy,rude, arrogant, disrespectful, wasteful with resources etc

3) Social class/Financial standings. Some outrightly rejects your choice because of the low social class or their poor financial standing.

4) Ethnic/Tribal sentiment: some reject your choice because of some prejudices and negative sentiments they have about other tribes. The prejudices are flamed by their negative encounters they have had with other tribes or negatives stories that people tell about others. This is even made worse by Nollywood as they keep repeating some negative narratives about different tribes, which sometimes may be fictitious.

5) Intuitive/instinctive decisions: some parents may tell you that their heart doesn't accept this person even though they don't know why.

The list goes on,but this are the major reasons

What do you do,if you find yourself in such situations.

1) Depending on their reasons, appeal to them,make them see reasons why you chose him/her and assure them them of your love and respect for them even after you have tied the knot with that person.You can involve people they respect so much to speak to them. Getting angry and defying their stands complicates issues.

2) Take time to analyse their reasons. Believe me sometimes they're saving you from serious issues that could arise in the future,which with your current emotional state of mind you're not able to see clearly because you're in love. Some go for thanksgiving after their exes dumped them, because they are now analysing the issues logically with no emotional bias.

3) If you're currently dating with the hope of marrying the person in the future,know that it is disastrous telling your parents every little thing that is happening in your relationship, except if the matter is so serious that you need their input.

Telling them every little thing about your partner will form an impression in their heart which can be negative or positive,hence when you now officially introduce to them your partner for marriage, they'll base their decisions on what you have told them so far,even though you may have exaggerated some of those stories due to your emotional state of mind.

4) For the ladies - when you and your man have exhausted every amicable channels to appeal to the guy's family and they still refused,think careful if you still want to proceed with marrying him in defiance to his parents wishes. I said this because some families are very violent and fetish, they may deploy every means possible to fight you. It is better to marry into a family that loves you than to believe that you will one day win their hearts. Some have succeeded in such situations, while there are some that are still facing severe hostility from their in-laws despite being married for 20years into that family.

I have seen situations where the in-laws violently stopped their daughter in-law from attending her husband's funeral, because they said that the lady forcefully took their son and now has killed him.

5) Pray over it. God will reveal to you in prayer if it is actually his wish for you to be yoked in marriage to him/her. If it is his wish,he will divinely move the mountains for your happiness. Even though Pharaoh had refused that Israel should go and serve their God,yet through miraculous ways God liberated his people.

But if it is not God's wish as he would reveal to you in prayer, I will advise you to let go.He may actually be using your parents to save you from marrying the wrong person.

Please share your story on how you were able to resolve this kind of dilemma when you encountered them,so as to help others who are currently facing it.

SanctifiedSista:
But why do people run from Calabar women
Once they hear Calabar, they will be scared
All I want for my sister's and I is a good man who is a good Christian and ready to marry.. of Catholic o..

It could be ignorance; when people believe all the rubbish that are said about them,just as they have one thing to say about women from other tribes without investigating those lies.

Personally,I have encountered a lot of good behaved Calabar women and they always make good wives.

Big yansh and ballooned breast is good, but it will not sustain your marriage.

Figure 8 and six packs are gorgeous but it may not guarantee you peace in marriage.

Men and women abound who are endowed with these kinds of beautiful spouses,yet everyday domestic violence and divorces are at an increase.

I am not saying that marrying a beautiful or handsome spouse is bad,but have you ever asked yourself,why are some couples still together in love after 40 years in marriage; do you really think it is the looks that have kept them together for so long,because all these things will fade and depreciate over time but the beauty of the heart(character) will outlast them.

Make your choice but first, consider your peace and the future of your kids.

Make sure the beauty you fall in love with is not only the the looks and appearance but also a good heart that values,respects you and wants to see you grow in life.

If you choose correctly, your prayer points will be less and your peace will abound.

Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not to be endured, that's if you married the right person for you.

Your unresolved traumas can adversely affect your self esteem and make you doubt yourself.

Your unresolved traumas can make you accept just anyone because of the voices from the past that made you believe that nobody will love you because you are not good enough .

Your unresolved traumas can alter the way you see things in a negative way.

Your unresolved traumas can make you feel insecured and paranoid.

Your unresolved traumas can make you choose lesser to greater because you feel you're not worthy of a good life.

Your unresolved traumas can make you accept disrespect and abuse as a normal thing.

The effect of trauma is like untreated infection that lives under your skin,causing you pains and embarrassment,until it is diagnosed and well treated.

It doesn't matter how successful or strong that you're,if you don't resolve the effects of this trauma it would destroy what you have built.

Freedom is making peace with your past, in other to move on to a brighter future.

My first advise to her would be to book a session with a relationship/marriage counselor,who would help her analyse the situation and to start her out on the path of healing.

I said so because from the information she gave ,it is very obvious that she's finding it difficult to initiate the healing process on her own and to move on, which is now affecting her decision making process. So she would really need somebody to help her.

Also,the imposter syndrome she feels is a strong indication that the pains and hurts are still very fresh in her and that has really affected her self esteem.

Personally,I would have asked her why she feels unworthy of this new suitor.
1)Is it because of fear that the six abortions she had could be an issue if she marries this guy?
2)Is it that she is afraid of committing to any guy again because of her hurtful experiences?
3)Is she afraid that the guy will dump her or divorce her in marriage if he gets to know the whole truth?
4)Does she even really like this guy? Has she carefully analysed her past to see what she could learn from her naive reaction to her last break up?

The idea is to get to the root cause of this issue before given any prescription.

So you can see that giving her a general solution in this instance will not do her any good. I wish I could be of help to her,but it is her right to sit out with whoever she trust and discuss this with the person.
I wish her all the best and I trust she would be fine.